Chapter 19: That Might Happen

September 3, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

When Lara and I returned to campus just before lunchtime, two McKinley police officers were in the lobby, blocking access to the elevators.

"What's going on?" I asked Nicky, a Senior who was manning the desk.

"An OD on 5," she said.

"Bad?"

"The paramedics went up about ten minutes ago. The cops will let you up, but you can't go to 5."

"Thanks. Any idea who it was or what they took?"

"No."

Lara and I headed to the mailboxes, where I retrieved letters from OSU and Indiana, which I was sure were invitations for interviews. I quickly opened them to find that was the case, and then we headed to the elevators. A police officer rode up to 8 with us, then went back down. Lara went to her room and came back to my room a couple of minutes later.

"Jocelyn and Clarissa aren't around, but I left a note," she said. "Would you put on Born in the U.S.A.?"

"Sure," I replied.

I put the Springsteen album on the turntable and adjusted the volume. I was just about to sit down when the phone rang. I walked over to the phone and answered.

"Mikey? It's Liz!"

"Hi! What's up?"

"Paul and I decided to get married in December!"

"And that won't cause a problem with his parole?"

"No. It's all cool."

"What day?" I asked.

"I'm not sure, but we're just going to have a judge do it."

"If it's a weekday, that makes it difficult for me to be there, and I want to be there. When will you know?"

"Not until we talk to the clerk at the courthouse. Do you have any days free?"

"Tuesday and Thursday afternoons are free," I replied. "And our last exam is on the 21st."

"OK. When I find out, I'll call you."

"Are you going to tell Mom and Dad?"

"Why bother? Mom won't even discuss it with YOU!"

I took a deep breath and let it out, "I know. I guess I'll call Mom once you have more details."

"Thanks, Mikey! And guess what?"

"What?"

"It was just as good as I remember!"

I laughed, "Sorry, Lizard Breath, that doesn't bug me anymore!"

"Bummer! I'll call you in a few days."

"OK."

We said 'goodbye', and I hung up. I walked over to the couch and sat down next to Lara.

"Liz and Paul decided to get married in December. They're going to use a judge, not a church ceremony."

"I guess that wasn't a surprise."

"No, it wasn't. The only question is which day they'll have the ceremony."

"And your parents?"

"As of right now, I'd say they won't be there. I'll do my best to work on my mom, but I'm not holding my breath. I really expected my mom to at least be talking to me about it by now."

"What are you going to do at Thanksgiving?"

"I have no idea," I replied. "A lot depends on Clarissa because I don't want her to be alone. It's not clear if her dad will come around or not. I'm sure I'll have an invitation from Jocelyn, and I'd expect one from the Kozlovs. I'm sure you're thinking about extending an invitation as well."

"The problem with that is this year, I'm having Thanksgiving dinner at my stepdad's house and Christmas dinner at my biological dad's house. I alternate meals each year."

"I won't let that be the deciding factor," I replied. "If we marry, I'm going to have to be around your stepdad, and he's just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. Well, I suppose he could go my dad's route, but I can't imagine him doing that despite the rather chilly reception."

"When do you think you'll know what you're doing?"

"I'll have to make a decision early in November," I said.

"I'm curious about something — would you give Clarissa priority over your fiancée?"

"I'm not sure 'priority' is the right word; I do need to take her into consideration, though, given my commitment to support her as best I could after she had her falling out with her parents."

"Given everything you've said about her, I'm curious how you see her fitting into your marriage. Or maybe it's better to ask how your wife fits into your relationship with Clarissa. You're likely to see Clarissa more than you see your wife during medical school and your first couple of years of Residency."

"That particular conundrum has been on my mind for ages," I sighed. "I gave my word to Clarissa that we'd go to medical school together, do our Residency together, and practice together, and I really don't see how I could go back on that promise."

"When did you make that promise?"

"About two years ago and about that same time, we talked about finding some kind of solution that allowed us to have a baby together."

"You run THAT one by the bishop, and let me know how that works out for you!"

I nodded, "That is the obvious problem. And we talked about all kinds of off-the-wall solutions, including finding a bisexual girl or finding a straight girl who would be OK with Clarissa and me conceiving naturally or by artificial insemination."

"And here I thought you didn't do drugs!" Lara teased.

"I know. We even talked about marriage, but Clarissa needs a female partner to be fulfilled."

"Hang on a sec! You guys tried?"

"What I will say is we explored all the possibilities and came to the conclusion that other than artificial insemination at some point after medical school, there were no real options because of her sexuality and the teachings of the Church. And that's before any concerns my future wife might have with that idea."

"I'm curious; did you broach this with Tasha?"

"The idea of having a baby with Clarissa? Yes. She was taken aback, but she didn't rule it out completely, so long as it didn't involve adultery. But honestly, the bigger issue will be the potential scandal for the Church, and Clarissa and I have discussed that, too."

"I may not be completely up on all the teachings, but I can't imagine you donating sperm to a lesbian to have a baby would be anything other than a horrendous scandal."

"We know," I sighed. "Honestly, the only viable solution from the standpoint of the Church would be for Clarissa and me to marry, and that's not a viable solution for her."

"Can I ask you something very, very direct?"

"I think that's the only way forward."

"You are adamant about following the teachings of the Church and living a Christian life, except in one area."

"Sex," I replied with a wry smile. "It's been a struggle from the time I was fourteen — hormones versus faith. And I've used every bit of self-justification and excuse to, in effect, 'get away with it'. I've tried, on a few occasions, to be chaste, but until now, I've managed to fall off the wagon every single time. Last night was a very close thing."

"Sorry."

I shook my head, "Don't be. That conversation was extremely valuable, even if we didn't resolve anything."

"Do you struggle with anything else?"

I shook my head, "Not really; every one of my struggles seems to revolve around sex or sexuality in some way. The other main one, besides actually having sex, would be abortion, but Doctor Evgeni gave me the answer — do my OB/GYN training at a Roman Catholic hospital. I'll be able to have training in procedures for resolving a miscarriage without having to perform an elective abortion."

"Neatly cutting the Gordian knot, as it were."

"Ohio doesn't require training in abortion, so I did have an out, but it wasn't one I was willing to use because I believe I need to be trained to perform any procedures which my patients might need and which are appropriate for the ER."

"And if you didn't have the solution of a Roman Catholic hospital?"

"Then I'd have gone to the bishop and explained the dilemma and either delay or forego ordination so I could serve a year of penance for directly causing a death, similar to how soldiers are treated."

"So, in that one case, your faith wouldn't guide you?"

"There are Orthodox policemen who have justifiably shot and killed someone in the line of duty. They aren't going to Hell for doing their job any more than a soldier is going to Hell for doing his job. But it would be a major impediment to ordination, most certainly."

"But you won't make exceptions for anything else? I mean, besides things related to sex?"

"I've never found the need," I replied. "And remember, I agree with the teachings of the Church on sex, even if I haven't been able to keep them. Sin is, and I don't mean this as an excuse, 'missing the mark'. As I've said, I've struggled with it from the time ridiculous amounts of hormones began coursing through my body."

"I'm a bit confused about that — it didn't take anything, really, for me to talk you into bed. And you went not just willingly, but enthusiastically, with Sarah."

"I know," I replied. "I let myself get into a mindset that, in effect, once I'd done it with more than one person, it didn't matter. That kind of got out of control. The odd thing is, I struggled with the whole idea of 'how many is too many?' the Summer after High School. I thought I had it reasonably under control, and then I let a girl argue me into bed, and things kind of spiraled downward from there. It's one hundred percent my responsibility for allowing it to happen; I don't place any blame on that girl, or any other, for that matter. There are no Jezebels in my life, just a weak man."

"You've made a point about how your wife is going to live under a microscope, but you are as well. And that means every single public act, and probably most private ones, has to be dictated by not just the teachings of the Church but the expectations of the congregation. Are YOU sure you can live with that?"

"Is there something specific?"

"Your gay and lesbian friends, for example?"

"All of whom have been to church," I replied. "And they are welcomed by Father Nicholas. Yes, there is that deep-seated anti-homosexual sentiment amongst many Russians, but I'll point out that Jesus ate with publicans and sinners. I have talked with Father Nicholas about it, and he provided counsel.

"The key is demonstrating love for them without appearing to condone their behavior. Personally, I'd say the fact that they come to church, are respectful, and listen to what is taught is a big win, no matter what happens. In the end, they're God's children as much as I am, and I certainly have no room to judge anyone's sexual sins."

"And you're truly prepared for every single thing you do, in every aspect of your life, to be scrutinized by the least understanding, most judgmental person in the parish? Or in the diocese, I guess."

I shrugged, "I'm not sure there's any way to avoid that. It sounds as if you're trying to talk me out of agreeing to ordination."

"No, I just want to hear your thinking."

"Actually, I think I can get to the crux of the issue," I said. "You're concerned that if I have to choose between making my wife happy and living how I'm expected to live, that I'll choose the latter."

"You would, wouldn't you?"

"Let me respond a different way, if I may. If the life of a patient depended on my upsetting or disappointing my wife because I had to break some kind of commitment, what should I do?"

"That's different, don't you think?"

"An obligation to my fellow man versus my obligation to God? I don't see how I can separate those, really."

"Your wife is going to be in third place, then? Or maybe fourth, if we count Clarissa. Deacon, doctor, husband; or Deacon, doctor, friend, husband. I guess 'dad' comes in fourth or fifth."

"When you put it that way..." I sighed.

"Am I wrong?"

"I ... well, I don't think it's that simple."

"Tasha recognized it, didn't she?"

"Yes," I sighed, "she did. And so have you. With the same result, I suspect."

There was a knock at the door, and I wasn't sure what to do, but Lara tilted her head towards the door, so I got up to answer it. It was Michelle, the female RA on the floor.

"What's up?" I asked.

"You know about the student who OD'd, right?"

"I saw the cops on the way up."

"Dean Anderson knew you were away for the weekend but asked me to check if you were back. There's an emergency meeting at 1:00pm."

"Do you know any details?"

"No. You had a situation like this last year, right?"

"That was whippets," I replied. "Nothing really dangerous unless you totally deprive your brain of oxygen. Where's the meeting?"

"In the small auditorium in the administration building."

"I'll be there. Anything interesting happen over the weekend?"

"Nice and quiet on our floor, which is just how I prefer it!"

"Ditto," I agreed. "See you at the meeting."

She left, and I shut the door and went back to sit down to finish the conversation with Lara. Before I could even say a word, there was another knock at the door.

"Go on," Lara said.

I got up and opened the door to find Clarissa and Jocelyn.

"Lunch?" Clarissa asked.

"Can you wait ten minutes, please? I need to finish a conversation I'm having with Lara."

"Sure. We'll be in the lounge."

I closed the door and went to sit on the couch again.

"Sorry about the interruptions," I said. "I think my course of action is clear, though I'm going to need to have this conversation, minus some details, with Elizaveta before it's certain. I think, in the end, marrying me would not be good for you."

"You're sure about that?"

I nodded, "I am. The conversations yesterday and today made that clear to me. I don't mean this in any way but love, but you simply aren't cut out to be the wife of a deacon, with all that entails, especially given your analysis."

"And you think Elizaveta can handle that?"

"I think she has a very different personality from you or Tasha, and she reminds me of both Father Herman's and Father Nicholas' wives, as well as Deacon Grigory's wife. But I'll have to lay it out for her. It's not an easy road to travel, but I will say it's one she has considered, at least in the sense that she spoke to Doctor Evgeni's wife and Matushka Anastasia about it before she approached me."

"Because being a demure, conservative Russian comes naturally to her. In effect, she won't have to try with regard to her public life. The question you have to answer is whether or not she can provide what you need in your private life."

"I'd think by now you'd have realized my needs are pretty simple."

"Companionship, regular sex, and a mother to your children. And I don't mean that in any disparaging way. That is who you are, deep down."

"True. I'm sorry."

"For what?! You haven't lied to me, misled me, or mistreated me! In fact, you've bared your soul and have been brutally honest with me. We had the difficult conversations about things that might have tripped us up down the line, and you concluded that it's better if we don't marry. Remember, I'm not telling you 'no'; you're deciding not to ask."

"Because I know the answer."

Lara smiled, "In other words, you evaluated the situation and made a decision based on the knowledge you gained from our interactions. The same as you did with Tasha. I'm fairly sure she WOULD have married you had you asked. But you didn't ask because you learned that she wasn't the right girl for you. True?"

"True, though with both you and Tasha, I'd call it a mutual decision."

"You can test that theory by asking Tasha or me to marry you. Care to do that?"

I shook my head, "No, because I understand your point."

"Good. Then it's clear what you need to do — fuck my brains out tonight, go to confession, ask Elizaveta's dad for her hand, and propose to her."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. Ask her dad for her hand, and then propose."

I laughed hard.

"That's not quite what I was questioning," I said once I stopped laughing.

"I know! Just think about it, Mike."

"You know I'll pay a heavy price for that with Father Nicholas, given what I told him."

"I know. And that's why I said think about it. I'll understand. But we've been clear and upfront with each other on everything so far, so I felt I could be direct."

"Minus you hiding the fact you were Russian before you thanked me for saving your life! And that you were sixteen!"

"I know, but you understand why, right?"

"Yes, of course. I don't feel it was underhanded, given how I know I would have reacted, and I would have missed out completely on someone who I could truly consider for a life partner."

"Good. Shall we join the girls for lunch so you can get to your meeting?"

"Yes."

We left my room, went to the lounge to get Clarissa and Jocelyn, and then the four of us got into the elevator for the ride down. When we got to the lobby, the police were gone, so I stopped at the desk.

"Hey, Nicky," I said. "Any details?"

"No. The paramedics took her away, and the police finished whatever investigation they were doing. They left a few minutes ago."

"Any idea what year?"

"Freshman."

"Thanks."

We left the building and headed to the cafeteria for lunch. The girls chatted throughout lunch, which gave me time to consider not just Lara's request but the course of action, which seemed obvious. There was one additional step which I needed to take, and that was to speak to Vladyka ARKADY to ensure there were no concerns on his part.

I suppressed a laugh when I realized that the biggest concern was actually Lara's request. I had finally arrived at a point where I was able to be chaste, and I was being confronted with what I suspected was the only offer that would actually tempt me. And I was tempted. And I also knew it was going to be exceedingly difficult, if not impossible, to resist the temptation, despite the grief I'd get from Father Nicholas, and rightly so.

When we finished lunch, the girls went back to the dorm, and I headed to the small auditorium and took a seat next to Michelle. She was a good student, fun to be around, and totally mellow, which made her a perfect RA for Rickenbacker 8. She was also pretty and had the alleged tradition of RAs sleeping together been true, I certainly wouldn't have minded. I shoved those thoughts out of my head, realizing it was EXACTLY those kinds of thoughts that led to me going to confession regularly.