Chapter 13: Setting the Stage

July 14, 1984, Milford, Ohio

"Good morning, Mike! Good morning, Clarissa!" Doctor Mercer said when we walked into her office early on Saturday morning.

"Hi, Doctor Mercer!" we both replied.

"Clarissa, did you want to talk this morning?" Doctor Mercer asked.

She shook her head, "No, I'm fine. Mike can tell you everything."

"OK. Mike, come on in. Clarissa, there's a deli that serves great coffee on Route 50, just past the Frisch's and before the Wendy's, if you want."

"You know what, I think I will. Mike, can I have the keys?"

I nodded, took the keys from my pocket, handed them to Clarissa, and as she left, I went into Doctor Mercer's office and shut the door. As usual, I sat in a chair facing her desk and waited while she got a notebook and my file.

"Angie was close to her old self," I said. "I'm glad you could get her off the medication."

"She's still on anti-depressants, but we did achieve our goal of getting her off the psychoactive drugs. Don't be fooled, Mike."

I nodded, "I know. I was telling Clarissa last night that relapses are possible. I've seen it myself with her second breakdown."

"Second one that you noticed," Doctor Mercer replied. "Her first was when you French kissed her, but she controlled it enough to keep it from derailing her life."

I sighed, "I should have realized that."

"Remember what I said about being a trained professional? Don't beat yourself up. I only know this from my last session with her when she was basically free from the effects of the antipsychotics. I did discover quite a bit these last two weeks, but that was the real revelation."

"How so?"

"Be very careful how you hear what I'm going to say, please."

I nodded, "I remember your warnings."

"That kiss did two things — made her desire to have sex with you and frightened her beyond measure."

"Because the mere prospect of sex was traumatic for her, forget even doing it."

"Yes. Which is why I have to commend you for refusing her advances last Summer. I know this will make no sense, but she wanted to go to bed with you but was frightened of kissing you. She felt just 'getting it over with' would solve the problem. I think you can work out how badly THAT would have gone."

"I suspect she would have actively tried to kill herself rather than simply neglecting herself."

"A suicide attempt would have been the most likely outcome, yes. Another possibility, and please do not laugh at this, would have been true nymphomania — the endless seeking of sexual pleasure as a form of self-medication. Then, at some point, a mental break and most likely a successful suicide."

"Why the distinction?"

"In the first case, it would be more a cry for help, and like most women, she'd use some kind of drug and most likely survive. That's what happened with Jocelyn, right?"

"Yes."

"The second one, she'd have done something more permanent. Women tend not to use guns, but driving into a bridge pillar or off a cliff or into the river or something similar would be quite effective."

"You've seen that?"

"Either I have, or Doctor Paulus has. There are patterns of behavior amongst young female schizophrenics. Filtering for Angie's experience, those two paths are statistically most likely. But, as with all of these things, each individual is unique."

"And her prognosis?"

"The same as before. If we can keep her off the antipsychotics, she'll be able to work, have friends, and enjoy life. Given her mental state, I don't know that she'd ever be able to engage in even simple intimate behavior such as kissing. There's a great risk it would trigger the exact same sequence of events you witnessed."

"I guessed that was true."

"She's very repressed in that way, but not because of her parents, at least so far as I can tell. You know, probably about as well as I do, about the events that she witnessed. But I am convinced there is something else, though we may never know what it was. Or, perhaps, it's just who Angie is. There are people for whom intimate contact is impossible, even if they aren't diagnosable."

"Because it's only diagnosable if it interferes with their functioning in their daily lives," I replied. "If they WANTED to have sex but couldn't, then it would be a problem."

"You do listen!"

"I have half a dozen female friends who might disagree with you!"

"I suspect you're better now, though. Teenage boys aren't known for heeding input from women unless it's to their sexual benefit!"

I chuckled, "I might have experienced that situation."

"Though you often listened to Jocelyn, right?"

"Because I didn't see Jocelyn as a girl until she turned fourteen. THEN she was a girl if you catch my drift."

"Secondary sex characteristics tend to have that effect on men. It's genetic and normal. Nature does want the species to propagate! And on that note, what did Clarissa mean?"

"After a very thorough set of experiments, she concluded that being able to make love with me on one, or even two occasions, was not only possible but enjoyable and fulfilling in its own way, but it wouldn't provide what she truly desired."

"And you two are OK?"

I nodded, "Closer than ever. The last two nights, we slept in the same bed, naked, as we've done quite a bit since we concluded we can't be husband and wife, and there has been no temptation, just closeness."

"You know the risks, right?"

"That if I struggle in my marriage, Clarissa and I might cross an uncrossable line."

"You have to be very careful there, Mike."

"I know."

"How are things going on that front?"

"I guess I'd say it's narrowed down to two possibilities, neither of whom were in the picture the last time I saw you."

Doctor Mercer shook her head, took off her glasses, pinched the bridge of her nose, then put her glasses back on.

"Go on," she said.

"I met an Orthodox girl from Pittsburgh, and we hit it off pretty well. We're exploring a possible future together. I'm also going to start courting a girl at church."

"What happened to," she flipped through her notes, "Maggie?"

"No spark," I replied. "Or rather, the spark died during the enforced year apart, thanks to her dad. Not to mention she's not Orthodox, and I concluded I pretty much need to marry someone who was born into the church. Angie would be the exception, except for her illness."

"You still have strong feelings for her."

I nodded, "I do. It's funny because the time apart hasn't caused them to wane. I know nothing can come of them, but that doesn't diminish how I feel about her."

"She knows that, Mike. And I'm afraid at some point she's going to proposition you again. You need to be very careful about your own feelings."

"I understand. And you know my response to her last Summer."

"But even that response now is a bad idea, and I think the reasons should be obvious."

I nodded, "They are. Trust me, I'm not going to do anything other than be her friend. If she hints at anything else, you'll be the first to know."

"Good. Just be very careful. Now, about these two young women — are they aware of what amounts to a deadline?"

"Yes, they are."

"And how do you feel about them?"

"Either of them would make a good partner for my future."

Doctor Mercer sighed, "That is not what I asked, Mike. Turn off the logic filter for a moment and tell me how you FEEL."

"I feel content," I replied. "I believe I've found two young women who can be who and what I need them to be. If you're asking if I'm in love with either of them, the answer is 'no'. Can and will I learn to love them? Absolutely. Despite me doing the arranging, it's going to be an arranged marriage, with all the things that implies. We read some excerpts from the Kama Sutra in my world religions class, and it had some good advice. I also got good advice from my grandfather. I know this flies in the face of the modern world, but this is what I want."

"Want or need?"

"Those are the same thing, at least in this case. Once everything went wrong with Jocelyn, this was a fairly certain destination. I fought it, but then realized it's what I needed, and it will achieve what I want."

"Why two girls?"

"Circumstance, really."

"I take it other than looks, there are differences between them."

"One wants to be a homemaker; the other wants to be a High School teacher. Both of those are perfectly compatible with my future as a doctor and a deacon."

"They aren't older than you, are they?"

"No. Why?"

"How will you support them while you're in medical school?"

"I've saved a lot of money, and with having free room and board, along with a stipend, I was already in good shape. My grandfather gave me a fairly large gift once it was clear the bishop wanted to ordain me, and between that, two other gifts, and my savings, it will work. A professor of mine has offered me a room in her home during medical school, and she has no problem with me having a wife live with me. And that would greatly reduce my costs compared to the dorms at the school. And yes, I've double-checked the math."

Doctor Mercer smiled, "I would have expected triple or quadruple."

"Probably a dozen times," I chuckled. "I was using the idiomatic expression of being sure."

"I should have asked — how was the MCAT?"

"I'd say 'piece of cake', but it was tough. I feel good, though. So does Clarissa."

"I'm sure you did very well. Sorry for the detour, but back to your plans. What's going to be the deciding factor?"

"I don't know just yet. I have several months to get to know each of them better and talk through the future. And who knows, one or both of them might drop out."

"Then what?"

"Clarissa's suggestion was finding a bisexual girl and sharing her."

Doctor Mercer put her face in her palm, and I heard a whispered 'Oy vey'.

"Sorry," she said. "That just ... never mind. I can't speak about it."

"Another case?"

"A few intertwined cases. Wouldn't you have to give up on being ordained to do that? Maybe even leave your church?"

"Giving up on ordination would be mandatory because there are no grey areas in that regard. Leaving church would all depend on how we decided to handle it. But it's a silly dream, and I'm going to guess that you're going to tell me just how difficult it would be."

"The difficulties of a three-way relationship are orders of magnitude above those of a two-way relationship, and that's going to be difficult enough for you as it is. Something like that COULD work, but it would be fraught with all kinds of problems, problems you do not need as you go to medical school and do your Residency. A wife will likely provide stability and comfort; a trio would likely generate drama."

"I didn't say it was a REAL possibility, just something she suggested."

"And those kinds of suggestions, especially the idea of a lifetime of threesomes, would have NO influence on a healthy, red-blooded, American male?"

"That thought did cross my mind," I chuckled. "That said, Clarissa and I had a 5-way yesterday!"

"Skyline?" Doctor Mercer asked with a smirk.

"I should say 'no' just to get a reaction, but yes, of course. And, honestly, given my past experience, that holds no real attraction for me, even as a fantasy. Sure, the images are interesting, but I felt totally empty after the threesome I had."

"Are you involved sexually with either girl?"

I shook my head, "No. I intend to be chaste until my wedding night."

"Your history indicates that's a very difficult intention."

"And yet, one that I believe I'm able to keep," I replied. "I know I've tried and failed in the past, but things seem very different now."

"That makes your behavior with Clarissa even riskier."

I shook my head, "No, there is no risk there unless Clarissa were to change, something I do not expect to happen. That said, if it did, I'd marry her in a heartbeat. The ink on the license wouldn't even be dry when we married."

"Those were the feelings you had for Angie, too."

I nodded, "And the offer of chastity until marriage I made to her was real and attainable."

"So long as you understand the risks."

"That I'll fall off the wagon, so to speak, and then hate myself for it?"

"That would be the main one."

"While I have no intention of making that mistake, the entire point of confession and absolution is to prevent us from hating ourselves because we're mortal human beings with a proclivity to sin."

"And the desire?"

"Believe it or not, what I'll miss most is having someone in my bed, not having sex."

"Actually, for you, I believe it. Any other struggles?"

"There will be."

"Oh?"

"Doctor-patient privilege applies in spades to this. Liz is going to marry Paul Reynolds."

"And just when is that particular bomb going to be dropped on your parents?"

"Next weekend."

"Has Liz been seeing a counselor?"

"Yes, until March, I believe."

"Do you know if she discussed this with him or her?"

"I have no idea, but I'd expect not."

"Did YOU try to talk her out of it?"

"I gave my opinion and talked to her about it. Once it was clear she was determined to do it, I chose to love her and support her the best I could. Anything else would have alienated her permanently, and I just can't do that. And to be honest, he's a nice, hard-working, intelligent guy."

"Who had sex with a fourteen-year-old. While he was married and had a son of his own."

"I believe in repentance and forgiveness, Doctor Mercer. He served his time. He's on parole, has a job, and is doing his best to put some semblance of a life together. My sister loves him. He appears to love her. I did take one precaution, though."

"What's that?"

"I made sure he knew the address of the county morgue so he could save the county some trouble and drive himself there if he ever hurt my sister. He agreed to do that if it ever happened."

Doctor Mercer laughed and shook her head, "From a committed pacifist, that would be truly frightening. No threat, really, just a promise, so to speak. Do you think she would talk to me?"

"If your intention is to try to talk her out of it, all you'll do is make her angry. And angry with me as well because I asked her to see you."

"I suspected that might be the case. I take it his parole officer and whoever is responsible for his transition do not know she was his victim?"

"She insists, to this day, that she was not a victim, no matter what the State of Ohio has to say about the matter. As an adult, I know I would never sleep with an underage girl, but I'm also convinced that Liz sought him out and initiated the relationship. Did he make a grave error in judgment? Yes. Was the State of Ohio justified in putting him in prison? Yes. If he had been single and not had a kid, would I have turned him in? Probably not."

"You know, as a physician, you would be required to report the discovery of a relationship like that, no matter what the circumstances, right? There are some grey areas, but knowing, and I use this phrase carefully, that child abuse is happening, you have an ethical duty to report it."

"I know, and I would. And yes, I'm aware that turning him in led to the discovery that Liz was actually raped by the Kramer brothers and their friends. But I think what caused me to actually turn Paul in was his marriage and kid. And now, he's divorced, has no parental rights, and has to start over from scratch. He claims to have loved Liz from the beginning, and she certainly loves him. I'm in no real position to judge them now that she's made her decision. I'm sure you've dealt with underage kids having sex. Is it always a problem?"

"That depends on the kids and the difference in ages. It would be one thing for two High School kids, say a Senior and a Sophomore, or even a Freshman, to have sex. It would be a very different thing for a man of twenty-four to have sex with a High School Freshman. Are there instances where such a relationship might be OK? I suspect you could concoct some kind of scenario of a very, very mature fifteen-year-old wanting to be with a man in his thirties, but that would be so rare as to be the exception that proved the rule, so to speak. And I'd strongly advise against it."

"And yet," I said, "a ten-year age difference isn't a problem if the girl is twenty-two, right?"

"Because of HER maturity, Mike. At your age, even five years is a big gap, though, and I say this advisedly, not completely impossible. But add a few years to your age, and the disparity in experience and maturity becomes nearly impossible to countenance."

"So the marriages between teenagers and adults in history are what?"

"Part of history. The world is a different place. Maybe we've chosen the wrong path, but my gut doesn't tell me that's the case. In our highly industrialized, technology-oriented world, things are markedly different from those in an agrarian society as the US mostly was before the Civil War. It's comparing apples to oranges."

"You make some valid points," I replied. "I'm just not quite sure how to resolve the grey areas."

"Nobody knows," Doctor Mercer said. "That's why they're grey areas. The law draws stark lines because it has to so that everyone knows what is acceptable and what isn't. And state legislatures are all over the map on this, with ages of consent ranging from sixteen to eighteen, and all kinds of exceptions for 'close in age', as well as differing levels of prosecution. In Ohio, no sane prosecutor would try to charge a High School Junior for having sex with a High School Freshman, even though technically, it's illegal. Make it a college Freshman and a High School Freshman, and some prosecutor might, depending on the circumstances. A case like Liz's will always be prosecuted."

"I understand we need laws, and generally speaking, I support them, but I've been the subject of overzealous psychiatrists and prosecutors, which gives me pause about giving them blanket authority to destroy someone's life because of one of those grey areas."

"None of us is perfect, Mike, including you."

"I know, but I disagree with the idea that the perfect is the enemy of the good. Yes, you can let striving for perfection become an obsession that prevents you from doing anything, but the Christian life is all about seeking perfection, with tools to help us achieve it, and with methods to deal with the inevitable failure. That's what seems to be missing from our system of government — how to deal with failure in a way that helps the individual rather than simply seeks to punish them."