Chapter 1: Just Friends

Brittany and I had been friends for 10 years when I moved away. We talked about everything. When she got engaged to a super religious guy that “was saving himself for marriage” I told her it was a mistake. I told her they were too young and it nearly ruined our relationship. They were 21 when they got married. I played the part of maid of honor and gave her the bachelorette party I knew she always wanted. I left right after her wedding but stayed in touch with texts and calls, but like all things that you don’t nurture, our friendship faded and weekly texts turned into every few months to check in. Life happened and I was in my last year of residency and planning to join a family practice soon. Brittany and John were trying to have a baby but recently found out that Brittany wouldn’t be able to.

One day in April I got a call from my brother. Our dad was sick and it wouldn’t be long until he wouldn’t be strong enough to fight anymore. He smoked for the last 50 years and COPD was about to do him in. I wasn’t exactly sad about this, and I hadn’t seen my dad in close to 15 years. He was an abusive alcoholic that beat my mother and me. Never my brother, and my brother was too young to remember the terrible shit, so he always had a pretty good relationship with the old man. I pitied them both.

I told my brother I’d come home to be there for the family, but I really didn’t want to see my father. He agreed, but said I’d need somewhere to stay since his house was pretty full. I’m poor and not exactly getting paid a fortune right now, so this poses a problem.

It’s a 12 hour drive back home. From the big city buildings, through the plains, and eventually the lush trees of the Oachita mountains. It still looks like home. It’s been 8 years since I’ve been back. The sky looks the same. There’s a new pizza place. It’s like riding a bike, really. It feels almost surreal how the memories, the pain, the hope, it all comes flooding back. I pass by the lake I would kayak every weekend. God I miss that. I miss the still water, the fish, the way the sun looked when it filtered through the trees. I’ll have to make time to do that while I’m here.

There’s one hotel in town and it’s ... rough around the edges. I decide to stay a little out of town in a cabin. I could use the quiet.

The whole drive I was trying to list in my head the people I needed to see while I am here. My friends from school, my aunts Deb and Beth for sure. They are my favorite people. I still call them both every Sunday. I would’ve stayed with them but gosh they would’ve had me so busy and packed my schedule with ridiculous things I wouldn’t have gotten any peace.

I resolve that I will text Brit and let her know I’m in town, but that’s it. I won’t ask to meet up. I know she’s busy with life and I respect that.

I get settled into my one room cabin and survey my digs for the next week. It’s cute and rustic and I’m ready to chill here until my brother needs me for anything. I sit in the edge of my bed and text Brit that I’m in town and it hasn’t changed and I’ll be here for a week.

My phone rings immediately. It’s Brit and she sounds so excited. I “just have to come over and catch up like old times”. I oblige and head into town. I stop by the only liquor store and grab two bottles of wine.

Geez what is this going to be like? Our last interactions weren’t exactly what I’d call “comfortable” so I’m planning on leaving a bottle in my car for when I get back to the cabin.

I pull into Brit’s drive and before I even get out of the car she has her front door open, putting in her flip flops to meet me in the yard. She hugs me big and says how much she missed me and it’s been too long. I agree and hand her the wine. We head inside and she shows me around. It’s a nice place, in a nice neighborhood, with nice neighbors, and a nice school. It’s nice. It’s just sooo nice. Honestly it’s a far cry from the girl I knew back when we were 20.

Brit was wild. The a absolute picture of a free spirit. She was the girl that everyone was sure would die doing something stupid like riding on the hood of a truck, or diving off a cliff into the lake, or trying some drug a random dude gave her. She was fearless. So, imagine my surprise when this free spirited 20 year old best friend meets a boring, straight laced, virgin named John (even his name is boring) and gets engaged and married, all while telling me she’s never been happier and sex isnt everything and I should just be happy for her.

I would have been happy for her, if John wasn’t such a prick. He used to tell her she’s “too free-spirited” and “turn it down” or, my favorite “you’re a little much sometimes.” Fuck you, John.

Anyways, back to Brit and her nice life. It’s nice.

We sit at the dining room table and crack open the bottle. I pour us some heavy pours, because let’s face it, I need the help to deal with this stepford shit.

Brit is beautiful as ever and she picks up right where we left off. Her smile is infectious and she has a way of making me feel at ease. Soon it’s like I never left and we are reminiscing and laughing and talking about John. What I didn’t realize is that John is currently living 4 hours away for work, and is only home on the weekends. Brit assures me everything is fine with them and they are making it work. She asks about me and if I have any prospective suitors. “I’m a doctor. I don’t have time for dating.” I deflect. “In truth, I’m actually casually sleeping with a couple of nurses I work with. But I’m not seeing anyone seriously” I confess. This wine is like truth serum and it’s been a long time since I had to hide this. No one here knows I’m a lesbian. Well I guess I’m out now.

Brit’s mouth is agape and she laughs. “Well, damn. I bet those male nurses in the ER are super muscular.”

“No, Brit.” I laugh. “I only date women.” She stops laughing.

Her eyebrows raise “oh! Well that makes sense!” She laughs again. “Wait, were you gay when you dated Ch-”

“Yes, Brit. Always.”

“No!”

“Yes!” I smile.

“Well, alright then.” She paused, but her lip, and then started again. “Were you ever into me?” She said, grinning.

“You’re my best friend! No!”

“Never?!”

“Don’t flatter yourself!”

“What about that time we made out in the barn?” She said as she delicately ran her finger across the rim of her wine glass. I looked up from mine and her eyes were down, staring at the table.

“Um, well that moment certainly helped me realize a few things.” I said, smiling. She looked up at me, her blue green eyes pierced me for a moment and she smiled shyly.

“What’s it like?” She said, half smiling “being with a woman?.

“It’s sex, Brit. What’s it like for you, weirdo?” I say sarcastically.

“I mean, there’s no penis, man! What do you do? How are you done? C’mon!” She says, still half laughing.

“Well, for starters, if sex for you is just ‘penis in vagina’ over and over, you’re not having very good sex. Second, both people come!” I say proudly.

Brit cracks up laughing so hard she snorts. “I’m glad I can help educate the ignorant.” I say as I take a big last gulp of my wine.

“Well, thank you for telling me, doctor.” She says coyly. She sips her wine and looks at me again and narrows her eyes. “What else could you teach me?”

I cock my head to the side, confused. “You’re a big time doctor now. Teach me something.”

My heart skips a beat a little when she says that. I had never told her, but Brit was my first love. That night in the barn was my first kiss that actually meant anything to me and I still hold the memories with Brit close. I moved away and separated myself from this to preserve my heart, and along the way tried to find myself. I came back here fully prepared to not care and be okay with the feelings of moving on. Now, in front of me is Brit, almost coyly flirting with me. No way. But I can’t help myself and I rise from my chair and smile.

“Okay.” I say as I move toward her sitting in her chair.

“It’s interesting how the body interprets pain and pleasure. I’ll bet I can turn you on and teach you something at the same time without ever touching you.” Her eyebrows raise and she smiles. From behind her I lean down and whisper in her ear “Do you trust me?”

I hear her voice crack as she says, “yes.” and puts her wine glass down.

I pick up two sharpened pencils from the counter. I continue slowly circling her chair, whispering, as she looks ahead. “Did you know that the human body has more than 7 trillion nerves? They’re all spread out, of course. And some are in bigger clusters than others, like the hands, lips, sex organs.” I continue. “For instance, lay your arm out and close your eyes.” Brit lays her arm on her leg and I place both the sharpened tips on her index finger. “How many points do you feel?” I whisper in close to her ear.

“Two.” She says as she clears her throat. “Good. Now I’m going to move around a bit.” I say, making sure she feels my breath on her neck. I start to gently move the points to different areas up and down her arm, lightly, almost tickling. “The points move around and the sensory neurons in your nerve endings of your skin convert the external stimuli into electrical impulses your brain can understand. Sometimes it’s ... pleasure ... sometimes pain.” I continue moving around her, sensing her relaxing, and my voice continuing at a low whisper. “When your brain gets certain messages lots of other things in the body start to happen all on their own. In the instance that pleasure is detected, the breathing speeds up,” Brit is blushing. “the pupils dilate, some people have dilation of the blood vessels near the surface of the skin resulting in adorable blushing.” Her eyes are still closed but she smiles and her head drops a bit. “The lips swell a little, almost imperceptible. The jaw relaxes.” Brit realizes her jaw is so relaxed her lips are parted and closes it. “Of course the heart speeds up.” I see her breathing just a little faster. “Funny enough, the pain and pleasure sensory neurons kick off a chain reaction that will eventually lead to some other bundles of nerves to activate, causing arousal.” I see her lips part again, her eyes remain closed. “Even though all I have done, is try to make a point that you can’t trust your own body when it comes to sensations of pleasure and pain.” I stop the points of the pencils in her forearms. “How many points do you feel now?” I say as I lean in close to her ear.

Brit’s breath catches, “one.”

I’m on my knees next to her, holding the pencils to her arm. “Open your eyes.” I say gently. She does and realizes that there are actually two points on her forearm.