Chapter 5

Laura wanted to pick up some clothes for our honeymoon. The weekend before the wedding, we all piled into Laura’s car to go to the mall. It wasn’t my favorite destination, but I was with my girls.

We went to several shops and she wasn’t finding what she wanted. Finally, there was a store that held promise.

Laura was trying on several outfits and coming out from the dressing room for my approval. I watched the girls and we formed a voting team for each pairing Laura modeled. She went back to change into one more. As she did, I got a text from a client and quickly responded. I finished just before she came out ready for the fashion show. She started to model, then looked around with a startled face.

“Where’s Mattie?”

I panicked. “She was right here!”

The three of us started frantically looking around the store calling for her. After a few minutes of failing to locate her, Laura looked at me with panic and something else I’d never seen in her. Overflowing anger!

“Ben! I needed you to watch them for five damn minutes! What the hell were you doing?”

I was crushed. Not just because we couldn’t find Mattie. Laura was justifiably angry, and I was the target!

She was looking around frantically. She took charge.

“Ben! Go look in the mall! I’ll look in here!”

I ran out and started looking. I was a mess, but I focused on finding her. I had to find her. My mind was flooded horrible thoughts about what could happen to her. If anything did happen, how could I ever look Laura in the face? I was too panicked for tears to form. Adrenaline surged through my body. I prayed almost subconsciously while still aware of my every petition.

I looked in every direction. The mall wasn’t crowded so my vision was clear. I saw no evidence of anyone Mattie’s size. I ran in the direction I felt she’d most likely go. I saw no hidden corridors. There’s a toy store. I’ll go in there—maybe she wandered in.

As I quickly scanned the toy store my phone rang. It was Laura’s number. I answered with the question on my heart. “Did you find her?”

“Dad?”

It was Hanna. Why didn’t Laura want to talk to me?

“Dad ... you there?”

“Yes, sweetie. Did you find Mattie?” Oh please God, let her be found!

.

“Yeah, we found her. Mom wants you to come back to the store to the bench outside. Okay?”

“I’ll be right there, sweetie!”

I walked back quickly, but the hurt I felt was consuming me. I tried to put it in perspective, to heal myself before I faced Laura. She was a tigress whose cub was in mortal danger. Her claws came out at every threat—every cause. I was the only cause available. And I blew my assignment. I earned her wrath.

I got to the bench as they came out of the store. Mattie was wailing harder than I had ever seen. Laura was stern and relieved, but evidence of tears streaked her face. Hanna was softly weeping—not from direct cause, but from the drama and emotion around her.

Laura was still focused on Mattie as I walked up to them.

“Alright, Mattie. It’s over. Sit here with Daddy and Hanna while I go finish in the store.” She still had the store’s clothes on and she needed to change and pay for her purchases. Before she went back in, she turned to me and hugged me.

“Ben, I’m sorry about how I talked to you. Let me take care of this and I’ll be right back.”

Hanna was hugging Mattie to calm her down. I sat and pulled them both into me.

Mattie started to calm down, and Hanna told me what happened.

“Mattie was hiding—like hide and seek. She hid under the middle of that big round rack of dresses that were right next to us. I finally saw her shoes when we were looking.”

“Yeah,” Mattie whimpered.

“Why didn’t you answer when we called?”

“I was hiding! It was hide and seek!” She started to cry a little again.

“Oh, sweetie! When you play hide and seek, the people you’re playing it with need to know it’s hide and seek!” She cried into my shoulder.

I was still shaking. The panic was passed, but the adrenaline still was having its effect. And I was hurt ... deeply hurt. I rationalized everything that happened and all Laura went through. But that look on her face and harsh words ... at the time I felt I earned them and based on the facts, or lack thereof, she thought the same. But how I was feeling wouldn’t go away. All the happiness and joy of the past few months felt threatened. I was a weak thread away from losing it all. Mattie was okay. She would learn from this. But at that moment I couldn’t get past all the horrible consequences that could have resulted from my moment of distraction. Everything around me seemed frail, fragile.

Laura exited the store and hugged the two girls. Mattie cried a little. “Sorry, Mommy! I’m really sorry!”

“Okay baby. We’ll talk more later, but everything is okay.”

Laura stood and looked at me as I got up from the bench. She saw my eyes. I was too transparent. She moved quickly to embrace me.

“Ben! I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve that!”

I felt her softly sobbing into my shoulder and my eyes were quickly filling.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I lied. “Why don’t we skip going out to a restaurant and just head home for some sandwiches?”

She pulled back to look at me. She knew I lied. She could see the hurt and I thought she was going to burst into tears. But she pulled herself together with a glance at the girls. I could read her. We desperately needed to talk our way through this. But not here ... and not in front of the girls.

As we drove home the car was silent. Laura held my hand. I could feel her looking at me as I pretended the road was my only focus. She knew she hurt me with just a few, angry words. I still didn’t blame her ... but that didn’t lessen the sting. I had never seen that look in her eyes before. It scared me! I never wanted to deserve that look. I hoped to never see it again.

While driving it occurred to me that this was the first time we faced a real issue. Thank God it was quickly resolved with no disaster. Everything was okay. But there were consequences. I felt anger from Laura. It was hard at that moment, but I was convinced we would be stronger once we worked it out. We loved each other. This tested us, but we would be stronger in the end. I wanted us to get to that point quickly!

Dinner was a little quiet. It was Laura’s turn for the blessing and her prayers had a specific focus of thanks, protection, healing, and forgiveness. I knew she was worried about me, but it wasn’t time yet to work through it.

After dinner, the girls watched a Disney movie. That always held their attention. Laura and I retreated to our favorite chair in the living room and took our place with her sitting across the arm on my lap. She immediately plopped her face into my shoulder and cried. As usual, I joined her.

Once calm enough, she spoke. “How do I take that back? How can I un-say those awful words? You didn’t deserve that!”

“Laura, I love you so much. And, yes ... that hurt ... it hurt a lot ... and I’m still feeling it.”

Her face twisted up with a pained look and tears started streaming. “Oh, Ben! I’m so, so sorry. It hurts me knowing what I did to you. I love you and never wanted to hurt you like that. Can we get past that? Can you forgive me?”

She was uncontrollably weeping and wanted to bury her face into me, but she willed herself to keep her eyes on me, begging for my answer.

“Of course I forgive you!”

She drove her head into my shoulder and let loose as I continued.

“I forgave you immediately. I understood the situation. We were both scared out of our minds. I’m sure images of things that could have happened to Mattie were flooding your thoughts as they were mine. All you saw before you was the truth. Mattie was missing. I appeared clueless when she was under my watch. In your immediate reaction, you saw me as the problem—it was my fault. I felt the same. I deserved it at that moment.”

“You weren’t at fault at all! Mattie waited until you and Hanna weren’t looking, and slipped under the dress rack right next to you to play hide-and-seek. The same would have happened no matter who was watching her!”

“I know. And I know it wasn’t my fault. And I don’t blame you for your reactions. Although, that look you gave me scared the hell out of me!”

I laughed, and she was able to join me a little as tears subsided.

“Look, we’ve had a perfect courtship, probably because it has been so short. This was the first bump we’ve ever faced. But we are human. I don’t know about you, but I’m not perfect ... so we will have bumps!”

“I think today I proved to be less than perfect!” She was still emotional, but her mood was lightening.

“Listen ... I know I say you are perfect a lot. I’m smart enough to know that’s not possible. But I do mean that you’re perfect to me and for me. I mean that with all my heart.”

“I love you, Ben. But you’re still hurting a bit – aren’t you?”

“Yeah. I can’t recover that quickly from those intense emotions. But after the girls go to bed, if we can sit right here and just be together, I’ll be more than okay!”

Our lips met with the first relaxed smile of the evening.

“It’s a shame, though.”

“What?” she asked.

“We are only a week or so from awesome make-up sex!”

Yes, she hit me. Yes, I loved it. Yes, we made out as much as we were comfortable with having two little girls just around the corner.

This was our first real test. We were going to be just fine tonight, and we knew future tests would be met head-on and resolved. So, yes, we grew closer on yet another dimension.

The day before the wedding finally arrived. I held a clandestine meeting with my family at noon to prepare for Laura’s surprise. We cleaned up evidence of our preparation in time for the wedding rehearsal.

The rehearsal was great. Pastor Browning was a lot of fun and kept things light. There wasn’t going to be a lot of pomp and circumstance, so the rehearsal went quickly. Laura had two attendants. Hanna was her maid of honor. She was grinning from ear to ear the whole time and was made to feel very special. After all, she was really, really special. Sarah was her matron of honor and was thrilled to be considered such a close friend after knowing Laura for only a few months. Mattie was the flower girl and would stand next to Hanna during the ceremony. She behaved as good as a girl twice her age and was intently focused on doing things just right. Dang, she was cute.

Bobby and my brother Dan were my co-best men. Dan was the brother closest to my age and was my best friend growing up. We didn’t get to see each other often, but the bond was always there. Bobby had charge of the rings because Dan needed to take part in the surprise I had planned.

After the rehearsal, I hosted a dinner for the wedding party at our favorite Chinese restaurant. We also invited other family members that arrived from out of town. Fifty-three of us had great food, lots of warm and loving toasts, even more humorous toasts meant to embarrass either Laura or me, and lots of good conversation. Everyone in my family had been warned to keep the family secret so we wouldn’t spoil Laura’s surprise, and everyone behaved.

We parted at about 10:30 and hoped for sound sleep. I was too excited to even close my eyes. I couldn’t wait for Laura to become Mrs. Hawkins.

Finally, it was the day of our wedding!

The ceremony was at 11:30 AM. Sarah and Bobby picked me up and I was at the church by 10:30. I had to make sure everything was in place, then went to join the pastor in his study to prepare to enter from the side doors at the front of the church along with my best men. Laura’s mom was in charge of the get-ready room for the bride and her attendants. I heard she got to the church not long after I did.

As people arrived, the first part of the surprise unfolded. In the rehearsal, we used recorded music for everything. What Laura didn’t know was that my family used to be a traveling music group. My dad played guitar for staff orchestras in recording studios. He was very professional. As a kid, I would sit and listen to him play for hours. The rest of my family all played multiple instruments, and all sang. For this morning, they would all provide pre-service music, the processional, recessional, and a special piece. Dad was on guitar, Mom at piano, Jane, my youngest sister, either played violin or country steel guitar. My brother Ron played drums. Sisters Ruth and Mary usually alternated between guitar, mandolin, and violin, but Ruth had to cover upright bass for my brother, Dan, who was in the wedding party.

The time had come. It was 10:30, and the Pastor, Bobby, Dan, and I entered from the side and took our places. My family started playing the processional—Bach’s “Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring” with just Dad playing the guitar. Sarah looked radiant as she strolled slowly to the front of the sanctuary in a beautiful, light blue evening dress.

Then I watched Hanna come into the doorway. Her long hair was styled with most of it flowing but with a group from each side braided, traveling up to the top of her head, and then gathered behind her making the shape of a heart. She beamed as she started the wedding party walk in her medium blue dress. My God, she looked so grown up and beautiful. I could see so much of Laura in her smile. Gasps were heard as she strolled the carpet. Everyone was taken by her beauty. And, yes, I had a tear escape. And the butterflies inside went wild.

Then Mattie appeared in a similar dress to Hanna’s but in a more age-appropriate fashion. She had her hair in a ponytail and was as cute as could be. Her walk up the aisle was a little quicker than expected, and she had to shout out “Hi, Daddy!” halfway down her journey. That brought tears and smiles to just about everyone. Me, too!

Then Dad and my family started the bridal procession with a more forceful verse of “Jesu” while adding bass, and violin. And I saw the woman I love more than life itself move into the doorway on her dad’s arm. The congregation stood and turned. Cameras were clicking. My attention was drawn to her as if she was all that existed in the world.

I had never seen a more beautiful sight.

Her hair was long and flowing with curls twirling in the front strands falling down her neck and down to her collar bone. She wore a delicate silver vine hairpiece with silver flowers and pearls randomly interspersed. It flowed over the top of her hair starting a little behind her hairline and flowed to the back of her head then down the back mingled in with her long full strands. Her smile radiated as bright as the sun. Her eyes sparked making the stars blush in shame. I burned her image in my brain. I will never forget it.

My family orchestra caught her attention and I could read her lips as she asked her dad, “What’s going on?” Her dad shrugged his shoulders since he didn’t know either as she refocused on me. Our eyes locked. It was as if invisible lightning bolts of love passed between us. She started to walk towards me and I felt weak-kneed. I focused on my bride and the vows we would make while trying to avoid thoughts of my pending surprise so I didn’t shake apart.

My eyes were locked on hers as she came forward. I only noticed her dress in my peripheral vision. It was a satin white, softly covering the edge of her shoulders and a little down her arms. The neckline was v-shaped and low cut, modest enough to appropriately cover her breasts and yet extremely sexy. It was plain at the top and showed off the perfect shape of her abdomen and waist. It flowed into soft pleats below her waist and ended just above her knees. It was simple and understated. It was magnificent! The dress let all her natural beauty take the spotlight. I was having trouble breathing. I wanted to run to her and embrace her just to immerse myself in her beauty. I forced myself to hold my ground.

Her dad brought her to my side and gave me her hand. With a hug for both of us, he took his seat. I never wanted to take my gaze from her eyes. I tried to listen to the pastor’s words, and occasionally forced myself to look at him.

We exchanged our vows that we wrote and memorized. I went first, just hoping for enough calm to remember what I composed.

“Laura, we know that God loves us even though we don’t deserve it. I know with every touch, every look, and with every kiss just how much you love me even though I could never deserve you. I promise to love you with every breath and fiber of my being. I promise to honor you, care for you, hold fast to you only, and consider you and your needs above my own no matter what life brings to us ... as long as I live.”

I kissed her, and Pastor Browning joked, “You’re jumping the gun there, Ben. I’ll tell you when!” Everyone chuckled, and it lightened the mood enough for me to gain some composure. Then it was Laura’s turn.

“Ben, my life was a mess until I met you. If it wasn’t for my faith, my two girls, and my family, I would have been totally lost. Then you decided to weed your garden, we really met for the first time, and I saw in you the missing piece of heart and my life. I love you more than life itself. I am committed to showing you that love every day of our lives. I promise to love you, honor you, obey you as God’s appointed head of our household, and give all of myself to you and only you in all circumstances of life for as long as we live.”

“No kissing yet!” Pastor Browning said with a smile.

We exchanged rings vowing that the infinite circle symbolized our unending love, and God’s unending love for us.

We took a healthy breath as the pastor announced: “Based on the vows you’ve exchanged, the promises you’ve made before God and these people, and by the power vested in me by God and the state of Illinois, I now pronounce you ... man ... and wife. NOW ... you may kiss your bride!”

Oh yes. It was quite a kiss as the congregation cheered and clapped. The sound around us seemed distant, almost as if it came from the other side of a tunnel. I was kissing my wife for the first time and she had all my attention. I felt her love for me through her lips. Her tongue unveiled the passion from within her. This was the first physical act of our heavenly bond and the significance of the moment overwhelmed my senses. I willed the moment not to end, yet it was just the beginning. This launched our life together—our singularity—our oneness. I was in heaven.

Once the applause died down and we pulled ourselves apart, Pastor Browning made the announcement we had planned. It was time for Laura’s surprise.

“Normally this is where I introduce the new couple, but first, the groom has a special gift for his bride. As he stepped back, my family started the introduction to a song we planned.

The first four bars were played just by Dad on guitar and my brother Dan on bass, who joined my family from where he was by my side. It was beautiful and simple. But then the next four bars tugged at everyone’s heart. The steel guitar added beautiful fills while my entire family sang a chorus of “ahhs” like an angelic choir.

Laura figured out my family was talented at the procession. What she didn’t know was, I was the lead singer. Not to brag, but I was very good. I’ve been told I sound like Bruno Mars. She had never really heard me sing in church because of the volume of the praise band. She had no idea what was coming.

I struggled to compose myself. I had learned from singing at weddings and funerals how to control my emotions, but this would be the toughest test I had ever put myself through. She was watching my family play assuming that was the surprise. Then, I started singing the song that fit our lives perfectly—Rascal Flatts’ “God Bless the Broken Road.”

“I set out on a narrow way many years ago”

Laura’s attention snapped toward me with wide eyes a beautiful, emotionally crooked smile, and tears flowing. She had no idea this was coming.

“Hoping I would find true love along the broken road

But I got lost a time or two

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you”

The music took on a fullness as the family choir joined me in harmony.

“Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

The music pulled back a bit and just my sisters sang “Ooo’s” in the background in perfect three-part harmony.

“I think about the years I spent just passing through

I’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You’ve been there you understand

It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming true”

We went back to a big sound and full vocal harmony. My emotions and everyone else’s were being attacked by the beautiful sound and heartfelt sentiment.

“Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

Now I’m just rolling home

Into my lover’s arms

This much I know is true”

The instruments pulled back. Vocals went back to “Ooo’s.

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

Now just the guitar, bass, and me.

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight...”

Then I lost it. The music had a pause here waiting for me to sing the last two words. I softly held her and struggled as tears let loose. I took all I had to just look in her eyes and say...

“to you.”

I couldn’t believe how strong my voice was and how I held it together to that point. Laura’s surprise was better than I imagined it would be. I held it together all the way through until the last line. I didn’t plan it this way, but somehow, my losing control for the last two words was perfect. It wrapped the whole surprise in a bow and made it clear to Laura just how much I loved her.

I kissed her and held her as we couldn’t hold back the emotions. My family orchestra played the ending and Pastor Browning whispered to us, “You two take a moment while I vamp. I’m good at it,” he said with a smile.

The music stopped. The congregation rose up in applause, no one with a dry eye. Thankfully it went on for a while. We needed the time to calm down. As the applause died down and people sat, Pastor Browning filled in the time while we pulled ourselves together.

“For those of you who weren’t aware, Laura didn’t even know Ben could sing.” People responded with mutterings of surprise and delight. “Years ago, we had the Hawkins Family do a concert here, so I remembered them. I didn’t know until a few weeks ago that Ben was one of ‘those‘ Hawkins. He was only a young teenager at that time and I didn’t recognize him. Ben doesn’t know it yet, but he’s going to get serious pressure about joining our choir and praise ministries.” The congregation laughed.

“On a personal note,” he added, “I’ve never known two people more ready to be man and wife. This is a family with their hearts focused on their Lord and Creator, and on their enormous love for each other. They also want to share their love with all of you. As you can tell, today has a bit of welcomed informal atmosphere, and with the wedding happening rather quickly after they got engaged, some of you have been invited formally while other invitations were less formal. The fact that you’re here tells Laura and Ben that they mean something to you and, of course, you are loved by them as well. They want to be sure you all know you are welcomed to the reception just down the hall. There’s enough food to feed an army so don’t worry about going hungry.”

He sensed we had ourselves pulled together. He took our shoulders and turned us toward the congregation.

“So it is my absolute pleasure ... to introduce for the first time ... Mr. and Mrs. Benjamin Hawkins!”

Everyone stood and applauded as we walked down the aisle, stopping to hug Laura’s parents, then making our way out the back. I noticed Megan in the back row, smiling and softly weeping. I’m glad she came, and then hoped she wasn’t upset that I just sang about my relationship with her being a broken road.

We got through the door to start the reception line and Laura grabbed my face and looked into my eyes from three inches away with a big smile and sparkles in her eyes, “Why didn’t you tell me you sing like an angel?” She planted a forceful, loving lip-lock on me. “And your family ... Oh my!”

“It never came up in our talks,” I answered. “Realizing that, I thought it would be a nice little surprise!”

“LITTLE!” she play-shouted. “I thought I was going to die on the spot! I was already in heaven!”

“You liked it?” I asked.

“I’ll show you how much I liked it later!” she said with an impish smile.

Hanna arrived from the recessional and hugged us both with tears in her eyes. “You okay, sweetie?” I asked.

“Dad, you really sing pretty! You have to do that more!”

Mattie was next and just held her arms out to me and I picked her up as she shouted, “Daddy!” I said a prayer of thanks in my head. I not only married the woman of my dreams who loves the heck out of me, but I now had two little girls that are crazy about me too! Feeling blessed couldn’t begin to describe the emotions that swelled within me.

The reception line moved a little slowly. Laura and I made a point to really greet everyone and be sure that those who didn’t receive a written invitation were strongly urged to join the reception, and most did.

Megan was the last in line and gave Laura a big hug as Megan told her to take good care of me.

She turned to me with a smile and tears flowing. “I know ... I’m the one that broke your road. You know how much I regret it but, like you sang, it led you to this wonderful woman and her awesome little girls.” She turned to Laura. “They were so cute and beautiful this morning.” Looking back and forth between us she continued, “I really am happy for you both and thank God he brought you together!”

We hugged her, thanked her, and invited her to the reception.

“I don’t think I should,” she said. “Ben, I know you’ve forgiven me and I feel that, but I haven’t been able to clear the air with your family. I don’t think this is the place to do that. Plus, I have to go get ready to move!” she said with a smile. “Oh, and Ben, the music, all of it, was amazing! I would have paid a lot just to hear it all! And your song ... oh my gosh!” Looking at Laura she added, “You really didn’t know about his family’s music and that Ben has an amazingly beautiful voice?”

“No!” Laura replied with a pretend annoyance. “He managed to keep that from me!”

Megan laughed. “Ben’s singing always made me weak in the knees!”

“I know what you mean!” Laura responded. “I was afraid I was going to swoon after the first few notes. I think I’ll have to make him sing something to me every night!”

We said our goodbyes, and Megan walked off looking content and, to my relief, rather happy. I was almost shocked at her ability to put it all in perspective after what she put herself through. I was happy for her.

Laura and I joined the reception, Pastor Browning introduced us again, and then he said the blessing for the meal. It was served buffet style, so the pastor asked that the wedding party be allowed to go first, and then he took charge of organizing the order in which each table was welcomed to go to the line. The setup was perfect to move people through quickly.

We had an iPod setup for background music during the meal. As my family finished eating, they moved their instruments to the center of the room since we weren’t using amplification. They were done moving just as the last of the guests were finishing up their meal.

Laura and the two moms pulled together photos of the two of us as children, teens, and early adulthood. They added the pictures we had of us together and with the girls. They were put into PowerPoint to loop continuously and project them on a large screen. And, to my embarrassment, the photo of me in the makeup the girls playfully applied was there. I’m sure it was in the collection multiple times because it came up rather frequently!

My dad announced it was time for Laura and me to have the first dance, then her father would dance with Laura while my mother danced with me. Everyone was invited to join after that.

Laura and I moved to the dance floor as my family played “Amazed” by Lonestar. My brother Dan sang lead while the family joined in with vocals. The steel guitar, the violin, all of it was as good as the original. We moved slowly, basking in the joy of our embrace. The emotions of the day melted into a warm glow between us. Our touch was electric. Our love for each other was radiant and on display for all to see. It was another perfect moment etched in my mind forever.