Chapter 86: I Think I Need Commander Data

December 21, 2000, Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minnesota

“No shit, Doc!” I exclaimed. “Why the fuck do you think I’ve spent the last twenty-three years in one form of therapy or another? Will you stop treating me like a typical patient and acknowledge and respect that not only do I know myself, but I am NOT like anyone else you have ever met? I don’t fit into any of your cookie-cutter diagnoses nor can you put me in some little box on a chart and say that’s where I belong.”

“Is that what you think I’m doing?” Doctor Chin asked.

“I believe it’s what you’re trained to do, and that the box you pick will dictate what you think would be the proper treatment for my condition, whatever it is, because the people who taught you, and the people who wrote the DSM, and society at large, are simply repeating the mistakes of the Athenian leaders, and specifically, of the jury of five hundred Athenians who convicted Socrates and sentenced him to death!”

“You think you’re that wise?”

I started laughing and it was better than a minute before I could stop.

“I will not refer to him as a moron!” I said with a smirk.

“You’ve lost me,” Doctor Chin said.

“Seriously? Doc, if you haven’t seen The Princess Bride, I’m not sure how we can even have this conversation. Our worlds are so wildly different that I don’t think you CAN understand me!”

“Because I haven’t seen a specific movie?”

“As strange as it sounds, I suspect I can demonstrate from knowing that fact to making my point. But forget that for a moment, and I’ll set it aside. I laughed for another reason, too. You asked me the exact question that, in effect, got Socrates in trouble. Do you know the story?”

“Vaguely.”

“Then you have some reading to do, Doc. The short version is that his friend, a man named Chaerephon, went to visit the Oracle of Delphi and asked if anyone was wiser than Socrates. The Oracle replied that there was nobody wiser. Socrates thought the Oracle was wrong because he believed he possessed no wisdom. He decided to test his theory by questioning the people who were reputed to be wise and discovered, ultimately, that they were actually ignorant and not wise at all, thus confirming the Oracle’s statement, but only paradoxically because what Socrates did know was that he himself was not wise. That behavior, which amounted to showing that the emperor had no clothes, is what led them to order his execution for, in effect, asking too many difficult questions.”

“And you see yourself in that role?”

“Not because I want it any more than he did. He was, and I am, on the same quest - «γνῶθι σεαυτόν».”

“You’ll forgive me if I’m not up on ancient Greek.”

“‘Know thyself’,” I replied. “Or, to put it another way, in a phrase from Socrates’ trial - ‘The unexamined life is not worth living’. Unfortunately, both of those principles are rejected by society today, just as they were in Socrates’ time. And do you remember what happened to the Athenian democracy when it stopped being critical of itself?”

“History wasn’t a primary subject in college.”

“The Peloponnesian War which led to the collapse of Athenian democracy.”

“You think we’re in a similar situation?”

“Unless things change radically, yes, I do.”

“And that’s the genesis of your Rap Sessions?”

“No, but that’s what they’ve become. Originally they were just talks between college friends trying to figure out who we were and what our place in the world was. They evolved into true philosophy sessions, and now I suppose I’d say they’re subversive.”

“In the way you feel Socrates was subversive?”

“Yes. My goal is to train more subversives and send them out into the world and change society for the better.”

“Remake it in your image?”

I chuckled, “No. I want everyone to make their own way in the world with maximum freedom, maximum liberty, and minimal interference from anyone.”

“Back to my earlier question - no standards?”

“Again, you’re putting words in my mouth. The standards are non-interference, non-violence, and harm-avoidance. Those are the guiding principles of the American experiment, her «kami». We haven’t lived up to them in the past, and now we’re actively discarding them, moving to a future where every waking moment is controlled by whatever demagogue can create a moral panic to motivate the howling mob to give up their rights and force everyone else to give theirs up as well.”

Naomi came into the room, but stopped short when she saw Doctor Chin.

“Sorry,” she said. “I came to have lunch if you were free.”

“He is,” Doctor Chin said. “We’ve run out of time. Steve, mind if I come back tomorrow?”

“As I said, I’m not going anywhere.”

When Doctor Chin left, Naomi came into my room and sat down on the couch next to me. She had her lunch with her.

“What are they feeding you?” Naomi asked.

“Omelets for breakfast, salads for lunch with some kind of protein, which today is chicken, and dinner has been chicken, fish, or beef with some kind of low-carb vegetable like broccoli or cauliflower, plus a salad. I get cheese and nuts as an afternoon snack. The only real problem is no caffeine, which limits my choice of non-water beverages to decaf coffee or herbal tea. I’m not a big fan of herbal teas, though lemon or cinnamon aren’t too bad.”

As if on cue, a candy striper brought in my lunch.

“What are you eating?” I asked Naomi when the cute blonde candy striper had left.

“Ham on rye, plus a cup of yogurt.”

“Hold the ‘Mayo’?” I teased.

“I suspect every single person here has heard that, or something similar, enough times to want to permanently sedate the next person who says it!”

“I take it you’ve seen Airplane?”

“Give me Ham on five and hold the Mayo?” she replied.

“Ah, an educated woman ... that, of course, rules out the possibility of you being a field agent!”

“I feel as if I should know that quote.”

“It’s from The Rock when Nicholas Cage’s character understands a Greek saying that Sean Connery’s character repeats.”

“OK. I wouldn’t have come up with that one.”

“I retract my comment about being educated,” I teased.

“Right, because being able to spout or identify movie quotes off the cuff is a critical life skill!”

“It is in my house! I mentioned the TNG episode ‘Darmok’ - well, we live that at home. The thing is, there’s another lesson there, and it’s that communication is nigh on impossible if you don’t agree on the terms in advance. And words have all kinds of shades of meaning, and much of it is contextual. It’s why we’re so often easily misunderstood. That episode drove it home in a way that couldn’t be solved with the universal translator. As someone who speaks multiple languages, I know that the phrase ‘losing something in translation’ is a real thing. Trying to translate puns and jokes is nearly impossible and even understanding them if you speak the language is difficult, because unless you live in the society, contextual nuances are lost.”

“Which explains why you’re so careful with your words.”

“I don’t want to be misunderstood.”

“Speaking of that, is it OK to ask how things went with the psychiatric Resident?”

“Fine. He walked in blind, by choice, and I think he was more than a bit surprised by all the revelations.”

“I have a strong feeling I’ve barely scratched the surface despite having slept with you.”

“You have barely scratched the surface, and it wasn’t the sleeping part that was important!”

“It’s a euphemism!”

“Only in context. In another context, it has nothing to do with sex.”

“OK, but you knew the context!”

“You assumed that to be the case, and it happened to be true. See my point?”

“Yes, but isn’t that being a bit too pedantic?”

“In a court of law, would you want to rely on the jurors assuming what you meant? Or would you want to be much more precise?”

“But isn’t that context as well?”

“Yes...”

Naomi laughed, “I think I get it. Darmok.”

“Exactly. You were correct, of course, but I was trying to drive home the earlier point about communicating. Not to mention you could easily have slept with me without having sex; that’s happened many times in the past. I once got caught in bed with a girl and all we were doing was actually sleeping - she was still a virgin and we hadn’t moved past first base. The fact she could truthfully tell her dad that she was still a virgin and the fact we were clothed, saved us both a world of grief.”

“There has to be a story there, too.”

“Oh, there is. I have lots of stories to tell, but mostly they’ll have to wait until February, assuming I’m still invited to stay with you.”

“Even if I was considering a full-time relationship before I finish my first year of Residency, I’d wait until after February, because there is no way I’m giving up a few nights of glorious sex!”

We finished our lunch, she kissed me on the cheek, then left the room just as Mary was coming in.

“Doctor Chin thinks you’re an extreme narcissist with a martyr complex,” Mary said.

“And I think he’s a pill-pushing quack, so I’d call it even,” I replied tersely.

“He didn’t suggest medication, did he?”

“No, but a psychiatrist who puts words in my mouth, doesn’t know history or philosophy, and can’t grasp that it’s possible to be non-conformist and mentally healthy, can’t be anything other than a pill-pushing quack. I don’t fit in any of his boxes so he has to put me in ones that explain away my logic as mental illness.”

“We figured he was a good choice because he’d worked with kids who had been mentally, emotionally, and physically abused.”

“Twenty years ago that might have worked, but not now. I’m not that person anymore, even though who I am is a direct product of that abuse. I told him that, by the way. And given what you just said, I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m not really past it, despite me saying that I was and that if my mom were to get treatment, I could, conceivably, have a relationship with her again. But let me guess, he made the point that me saying she needed help was proof I needed help?”

“Yes.”

“Then he IS a quack! With you, I didn’t fit in any of your neat little boxes so you set them aside and started looking at other possibilities. He’s not doing that. I flat out told him I’m different and unique and I could tell by his body language that he felt that was a sign I needed treatment. Let me also guess, he has a problem with my complete rejection of social norms.”

“You could say that.”

“Well, tomorrow’s session with him is going to be interesting to say the least. And if he’s an example of psychiatry, which I think he is, I am VERY glad that Doctor Mercer is a clinical psychologist and NOT a psychiatrist. Honestly, on the scale of medical school admissions, I’m going to put psychiatry only above dermatology as the last refuge of desperate med students.”

“I suppose you would have to ask him why he elected psychiatry, but I think you might be being a bit hard on him.”

I shook my head, “Doctor Mercer never once tried to put words in my mouth nor did she ever twist what I said to achieve a diagnostic goal. I think she and I became too close over the past twenty-odd years, which is far too long to be ‘in therapy’. If I had an actual diagnosable illness, she’d have proposed actual treatment, but we never really got there except on very rare occasions.”

“The gaps in her notes?” Mary asked.

I nodded, “Which will have to remain.”

“Was that issue, whatever it was, resolved?”

“Yes, and to her satisfaction. It’s something Jess and Kara know about, so I’m confident that my analysis and Doctor Mercer’s are both correct. Did Doctor Chin tell you he wants to see me again tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

“He’s going to get it with both barrels again.”

“Please do not call him a quack.”

“I was polite but forceful. I did point out that unless he’s seen The Princess Bride we’re too far apart for him to even begin to understand me.”

Mary laughed and shook her head, “You and your litmus tests!”

“They work. Could there be someone who hadn’t seen The Princess Bride and who supported the idea of participation trophies who actually understands me? I’m sure such a person exists, but I’m also sure I haven’t met them. And if I did meet them, and spoke to them, and they understood me, it would only be a matter of time before they saw the movie and abandoned their support for the ‘self-esteem’ movement.”

“And dropped their panties, if they were female?” Mary asked with a smirk and an arched eyebrow.

I chuckled, “That has been known to happen in some instances.”

“Clara is seeing you again, right?”

“Yes. And I think my session with her was much better because she wasn’t trying to fit me into some neat little diagnostic box. And I think I can pinpoint the difference. You and Clara are researchers whereas Doctor Chin is a clinician. So, Doctors Whittaker and Brown come with open minds and endless possibilities, whereas Doctor Chin comes with a clinical approach. I understand why Doctors Ross and Alston would want that, but to be honest, it’s not going to provide any real value. Even if my mood swings have a cause other than my endocrinological condition, they haven’t risen to the level of an actual diagnosis of Bipolar I, though evidence suggests it might be close. That said, behavioral modification is still working. To be honest, that’s the realm of clinical psychologists not psychiatrists.”

“You seem to have a real problem with psychiatry.”

“Now, why would that be?” I asked with an arched eyebrow.

“They are the enemy, if I can get away with using that term for your feelings about someone. The profession which would, in the end, drug you into submission, at least from your perspective.”

“So you see how I might be more than a bit skeptical and cynical about psychiatry?”

“Yes, I do.”

“I’ll also point out that I didn’t have to explain to Clara about Socrates the way I did Doctor Chin. That’s what happens when you spend your entire undergraduate career preparing for the MCAT and don’t take any important humanities courses. Everyone, no matter what field, should take several humanities courses. You did, and that makes you both a better doctor and a better person. The same is true for Naomi.”

“Do you make snap judgments about people often?”

“All the time, but so does everyone. The difference is, I admit it, and acknowledge that my snap judgment might be wrong. I also have an open mind, and even if I’ve made a judgment about someone, it’s only provisional and I let them prove themselves, one way or the other.”

The door opened and Doctor Clara Brown came in.

“Ready?” she asked.

“Always!” I chuckled.

“He’s a Smart Aleck, if you haven’t noticed,” Mary declared.

“Obviously!” Clara said.

“Then I’ll leave you two.”

Mary left and Clara came to sit on the couch with me.

“I’ve read and re-read my notes, and I have a line of inquiry I’d like to follow.”

“It’s your dime,” I replied with a grin.

“I think local calls cost 50¢ these days.”

“I use my mobile, so I have no actual clue.”

“If you had to describe your ideal sex partner, what would she be like?”

I chuckled, “Do you want the real answer? Or the Smart Aleck one?”

Clara laughed, “I’d actually like to hear the ‘Smart Aleck’ response.”

“About 5’8”, with dark, shoulder-length hair, nice curves, and large breasts!”

“Which would, in your mind, lead to me simply dropping my panties so we could go at it on the couch?”

“Would it?” I asked with a smirk.

“Ethics requires me to not answer that question.”

I chuckled, “I think you just did!”

Clara laughed, “You are a very slick character! So the real answer?”

“Intelligent, open-minded, and well-read.”

“Pardon this question, but is that actually true, or are you trying to avoid sounding like a sexist?”

“I’m not, and yes, it’s true. There is a specific set of physical characteristics I prefer, but without those three traits I mentioned, physical attributes are irrelevant. You know Jess is an MD, Kara has a PhD, Elyse and Jennifer have their Master’s, Maria Cristina is going to be an MD, and Liz has her JD. Suzanne is pre-law, and Leigh is going to go for an MBA.”

“And that’s been the norm since you were fourteen?”

“Yes. I’ve always preferred intelligence.”

“Have you ever gone after a girl just because she’s ‘hot’?”

“Besides Kara? No, I don’t think so. As I said, they almost always come to me.”

“Would you share what you prefer?”

“Girls with athletic builds and small breasts, and I have a strong preference for red or strawberry blonde hair.”

“Virginal?”

“There have been a lot of virgins, yes, but not the way I think you mean it. Shy, timid girls aren’t going to usually come up to someone like me with an intent of losing their virginity.”

“That’s what I was getting at. So you don’t feel like you seduce them?”

“Again, not in the way you mean. There is seduction, but it’s a two-way street. Quite often I play hard to get.”

“Why?”

“For girls who are virgins, to make sure they’re convinced, in their own minds, that they want a glorious sexual experience. I don’t want regrets after the fact, for any reason, though they aren’t completely avoidable.”

“There have been girls who regretted having sex with you?”

“One in particular, though we worked things out in the end. I learned a lot about desire and consent from that experience.”

“She went further than intended because she let physical desires run roughshod over her conscious decision-making?”

“Exactly. From that, I learned to make sure before we got anywhere near that point.”

“I’ll ask this carefully, and you are free to refuse to answer, but your tastes run to younger women.”

“Yes.”

Clara nodded, “That fits everything you’ve said. You’re aware of the issues, obviously.”

“Very. I’m also aware that I’m of an age where the age gap is so significant that girls in my preferred range, including college girls, will begin to think of a physical relationship as gross or creepy or whatever term they’re using these days.”

“I’d like to explore more about your sexual awakening, if that’s OK.”

“Sure.”

“Puberty started when you were twelve, and you were looking to have sex at thirteen with a girl your age and had sex just after your fourteenth birthday with a woman about ten years your senior. She broke it off with you after two encounters.”

“Yes.”

“And then you had your single encounter with the young woman who died a year later.”

“Pretty good for not looking at your notes!”

Clara laughed, “I read and reread them over the past day and a half. You’re very intriguing and I haven’t encountered anyone like you who has both a very healthy marriage, is polyamorous, and who has such an extensive history of sexual partners. I don’t think you have a sex addiction or any other treatable condition beyond the mood swings, which are, for the most part, fairly mild. You are healthy, well-adjusted, and fully functional.”