Chapter 1: Second Verse, Same As The First

January 10, 2000, Chicago, Illinois

“How much trouble am I in?” Birgit asked with trepidation from the door of my study.

My precocious eleven-year-old daughter had truly outdone herself. I’d laughed, then spoken to her mom, then called Birgit in to talk to me.

“Come in, close the door, and sit down.”

She did as I asked and sat down in one of the wingback chairs. I got up from my chair behind the desk and went to sit in the second wingback chair next to her.

“Was it meant to be funny, serious, or both?” I asked.

“Both, I guess. Are you angry with me?”

“How about ‘somewhat annoyed’?” I proposed.

“I bet you thought it was funny,” Birgit said, gaining some confidence.

“That’s beside the point!” I said, doing my best to suppress a laugh.

The suppressed laugh was necessary because it HAD been funny. Kara and I had laughed very hard together before deciding how to handle our not-so-little troublemaker. And what to do about her cohort in crime, or as I was going to try to find out, innocent victim; willing, mind you, but potentially innocent.

“Was this your idea?”

“Yes.”

“And she didn’t put you up to it?”

“No. I mean, I knew what she wanted, but the birthday present was my idea.”

“Why don’t you tell me the story?”

Dad wanted the story, and I knew I had to tell him everything. He always knew when I didn’t. I still wasn’t sure how, but he always knew. I never lied, I just sometimes didn’t tell him everything, or told it in a way that was less likely to get me in trouble! Dad loved me, but there were things he couldn’t ignore, and things he couldn’t do. I kept my journal, which I started writing when I was eleven, locked away, because if anyone read it, I’d be in huge trouble!

“You know I love you, right?”

“Of course, Pumpkin,” Dad said.

“And you won’t be mad?”

“I said I was ‘mildly annoyed’,” Dad replied.

“And you know that’s what she wants, right?”

“I’ll talk with her after. Right now, YOU have some explaining to do.”

“I know,” I sighed. “But wasn’t it cute?”

“Which won’t save you this time, young lady.”

“She and I were talking, you know, ‘girl talk’, and she asked me what I thought about what she wanted and I told her I thought it would be really special. She was afraid to ask because she thought she might get in trouble and someone might tell her mom.”

“That cat is out of the bag, too,” Dad replied, sounding stern.

“Oh!” I gasped. “How?”

“You two little terrorists aren’t quite as smart as you think you are. Keep talking.”

When Dad called me a ‘terrorist’ it meant he thought what I did was OK, but that one of my moms or some other adult didn’t like it. My mom was usually pretty cool, but Mom was difficult sometimes. And most other adults were a bigger pain in the butt than Jesse!

“I remembered a joke you and my mom made about me selling tickets and that’s when I got the idea to make the coupons.”

“Plural? As in there are more of these?”

“Yes,” I admitted knowing he was not going to be happy.

“How MANY more?”

“Nine fit on a sheet of printer paper,” I said, trying to avoid telling him, knowing he’d be too smart to fall for it.

“And how many sheets?”

“Three.”

“You made TWENTY-SEVEN coupons that say, ‘Good for one Expert Deflowering?’”

“Yes,” I replied quietly.

Dad looked like he was going to smack his head on his desk repeatedly. I might have misjudged how cute the idea was.

“And how many of these did you hand out?”

“Just that one! The others are birthday gifts for other girls!”

“Pumpkin, you need to shred those, and promise me NEVER to do that again. I already have a bit of a mess to clean up.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, meaning it.

“Come sit in my lap,” Dad offered.

I scrambled out of my chair and into his, and he held me in his strong arms and cuddled me tight. I always felt safe and loved in my dad’s arms, and wished he could do what I wrote in my diary, but I knew Mom would never allow it.

“Pumpkin,” Dad said, stroking my hair, “it was a cute idea, but I could get in a lot of trouble. And you could get in a lot of trouble, too, and so could your friends and your girl ‘cousins’.”

“I’m really sorry, Dad.”

“I know. Promise me?”

“I won’t do it again.”

“Or anything like it.”

He was very good at that. It made him ALMOST as annoying as my moms or Jesse. But cuddles made up for it.

“Or anything like it,” I said.

“Good. How about I tell you a secret?”

I loved hearing Dad’s secrets. They were always about him doing something that got him in trouble or was crazy. I was never allowed to tell, and except for my journal, I never did.

“I like it when you do that,” I said, snuggling close.

“When I was seventeen,” Dad said, “there was a girl who lived down the street. She wanted a very special birthday present, so I gave her a card on her birthday which had a coupon in it which said, ‘Good for one Expert Birthday Fuck’. I gave it to her in front of her parents.”

“The coupon?” I giggled. “Or the expert birthday...”

“You don’t have to repeat it!” Dad said interrupting me. “And both.”

“No way, Dad! You’re teasing me!”

“Well, the second one wasn’t on purpose. Her mom spied on us. Her mom really wanted to do it with me, too. But I wasn’t interested.”

“How old was the girl?”

“Fourteen,” Dad replied with a silly grin.

“But if you did that, why are you annoyed with me?”

“Because I knew her parents would be OK with it. They were OK with having sex with other people and they were OK with their kids having sex.”

“You mean like you and my moms?”

“Not quite the same, but close enough. Do you see the difference?”

“I guess,” I replied. “You knew it would be OK and I didn’t.”

“Yes.”

“One more reason why I love you so much, Dad! You tell me all the crazy or dumb things you did! My friends’ moms all pretend like they’re perfect and they never did anything at all wrong or fun in their lives!”

“But that’s not license to misbehave, Pumpkin. I want you to know why I give you the advice I do and why I tell you not to do things.”

“You don’t get mad when I do them,” I said. “You just tell me I messed up and remind me to learn my lesson.”

“Do you?”

“Uhm, not always.”

“Life is like that,” Dad replied. “Your Aunt Stephanie still calls me a ‘dumb boy’ because it was so difficult for me to learn my lessons.”

“Because your mom is a bitch!” I declared. “She’s still mean and nasty to everyone, even if she doesn’t say anything to us.”

“But you love your grandpa.”

“He’s the best! I like Paul, too. I know he’s not my grandpa because my real grandpa died before I was born, but Paul is really nice. I like when he and Grandma Nancy visit.”

“There’s one thing you need to do still.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Go talk to your mom.”

“How bad is it?”

“You’ll need to go talk to her and find out. I need to talk to a very confused parent now.”

“Sorry, Dad,” I said, lifting my head.

Dad kissed my forehead, I kissed his cheek, and slipped from his lap. I went to the door, opened it, and went to find my mom who was in the ‘Indian’ room with mom.

“Dad said I need to talk to you,” I said.

“He’s right,” my mom said. “Jess, do you mind?”

“No, I don’t mind. I need to get Albert and Ashley ready for bed.”

She left and shut the door behind her.

“What did your dad say?”

“That I had to shred the papers and not do it again.”

“Remember our talk about keeping our family safe?”

“I do, Mom. I’m sorry. I messed up.”

“You need to be more careful. May I tell you a secret?”

I almost laughed because when she did that, it usually meant she thought what I did was funny, but I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. I didn’t, except for Dad, who I told EVERYTHING. I think mom knew I did that, but I wasn’t sure.

“Yes.”

“I laughed about it! It’s really cute. I was thinking of making coupons like that for your dad for me!”

“But you guys already have sex!”

“So? They can make it even more fun! But you can’t do that with your friends, young lady. Do you hear me?”

“Yes, Mom. What’s my punishment?”

“You tell me? And remember how this works.”

I HATED when she did this! I had to guess what a good punishment was, and if I was too easy on myself, she gave me a HUGE punishment. And she NEVER reduced the punishment I gave, even if it was more than she would have given. And she always told me! Sometimes Mom was more annoying than Jesse and my other three brothers combined!

I knew Mom and Dad weren’t angry, but I also knew they thought I could have caused a lot of trouble. But I didn’t know how serious they wanted to make this. All I could do was guess and hope I got it right.

“Grounded to my room for a week except for meals, morning cuddles, and if I need a computer for homework,” I said, hoping I got it right.

“I think that’s about right,” Mom said. “What’s Dad going to do?”

I giggled, “He’s Dad! What do YOU think?”

“I think you need to get to your room, you little turkey. We’ll come kiss you goodnight before lights out.”

“Yes, Mom,” I replied.

I got a hug, then went up to my room. MY room! It had taken months after Aunt Elyse and her boys moved out before Dad had let me have my own room. He’d moved my sisters to Aunt Elyse’s old room, and I had my pink room. Sometimes I missed my sisters sleeping in the same room, but I liked having my own place to go when I wanted to be alone or with my friends. And I wondered what was going to happen with my friend.

“Shut the door, please,” I said with a careful smile.

Carla Rizzi shut the door and came to sit in the wingback chair which Birgit had recently vacated.

“What are you going to do?” she asked.

“That really depends on you,” I replied.

“Me? It’s not like I can stop you or stop her!”

“On the contrary,” I said. “You may not be able to stop her, but you can stop me. This can’t happen without at least your tacit approval, no matter what she wants.”

“I’m still trying to figure out how answering a want-ad for a photographer’s assistant led me to lose my virginity to a guy and then fifteen years after that, for my daughter to want to lose her virginity to the SAME guy!”

“A force of nature known as Birgit Elizabeth Adams, which can no more be tamed than the winds or the waves! And you know why Birgit took Rachel under her wing, despite Rachel being two-and-a-half-years older.”

“Because I was a first-class idiot,” Carla said. “I should NEVER have let Uncle Peter talk me into that stupid scheme. And once the DNA test came back negative, I should have called it quits. I’m sorry.”

“You said that years ago, and I accepted your apology, and forgave you. And now we’re friends, and your daughter is in a tight-knit trio with my daughter and their friend Tiffany. I do need to apologize for Birgit’s behavior. We give her free rein, and sometimes she decides to go out of the paddock. Way out.”

“Imagine my shock when I was looking through the cards after tonight’s birthday party.”

“Oh, I can imagine!”

“Fortunately, everyone had left and it was just Rachel and me. I didn’t see Birgit give Rachel the card, but it was on Rachel’s desk when I carried the rest of her gifts and cards upstairs.”

“Did you talk to Rachel about it?”

“Yes, before I called you. She’s at home right now. What should I do with this coupon?”

I shrugged, “Shred it or give it back to her. Those really are the two choices.”

“I know you have something of a reputation, but I find it hard to believe you can sit here and look me in the eye and suggest I give my daughter what amounts to a ‘lose your V-card coupon’.”

“And you know my reputation, so you know I take things like this seriously, but I also recognize that it’s a decision every person has to make for themselves. I remember your struggle.”

“Me, too. Do you regret what happened between us?”

“Only the aftermath,” I replied. “Do YOU regret it?”

A wan smile appeared on Carla’s face, “The aftermath, obviously. And that I didn’t ask you to stay to do it a second time! I wasn’t lying when I told you it was better than I’d expected. And that it was the right thing to do. My real mistake was sending you away so quickly, and then having that ill-advised one-night stand. But do you know my biggest regret?”

“No.”

“That had I come to you, honestly, you would have gone out of your way to help me. Once Birgit decided to be friends with Rachel, you simply included her as one of what I hear your kids call the ‘cousins’. Rachel became a very happy girl at that point, and once I got used to the idea, you let me into what I guess you would call the ‘extended family’ of ‘aunts’ and ‘uncles’. I didn’t need to struggle for eight years. Or lie to Rachel for eight years. I actually apologized to her for that right before I came here.”

“And she forgave you, didn’t she?”

“In her true practical self she said that it turned out just fine and she knew I was only trying to do what was best for her.”

“Which is the decision you’re facing right now.”

“You know how much I struggled with it, and how it drove me to distraction, making me act crazy?”

“I do,” I replied.

“I was a bitch, wasn’t I?”

“You were confused.”

“And there’s my conundrum,” Carla said. “Rachel is NOT confused. She wanted to come over and give you the coupon tonight! I only wish I’d been that sure of myself when I was her age. But she’s awfully young. The thing is, I know if she’s determined to do it, I can’t stop her. I don’t mean you, because I take you at your word that if I tear up this coupon, you’ll tell her ‘no’ yourself, and not blame me.”

“That’s true. I won’t make you to be the ogre. I can easily explain why I shouldn’t.”

“But I think you can also explain why you should, can’t you?”

“Among other things, a gentle, patient, expert lover who will make her first time memorable. Someone she apparently wants to do it with, because if she didn’t, you wouldn’t say there was a conundrum.”

“We had a very interesting talk. She obviously knew you and I had been together, and from what I told everyone about not being with anyone else, well, lied to them, she knew you were my first. We talked about how confused I was and that’s when I realized she had no second thoughts and no reservations. I actually was jealous of her, because I think my life might have turned out quite differently if I’d been so confident about sex.”

“Society is doing its level best to destroy that kind of confident thinking in teenagers about any topic, not just sex. It’s what I and the other parents are trying to help all the kids we call the ‘cousins’ avoid. Society would frown quite seriously on the way we raise our kids, and that was my real issue with my precocious daughter.”

“Not the fact she was offering what amounts to stud services to a fifteen-year-old.”

I chuckled, “That’s an internal family matter. The coupons made it far more public than it should have been.”

“I’m curious, and I know you’ll tell me honestly, but if I hadn’t found it and she had showed up here tonight and presented it, what would you have done?”

“Honored her request.”

“Without consulting me?”

“May I ask a very blunt, very direct question?”

“I suppose so.”

“Was it anyone else’s business, besides yours and mine, that we slept together? Did you need your mom’s approval?”

“No, but I was a lot older.”

“Do you think your daughter is acting immaturely?”

“That’s not a fai ... proper question.”

I chuckled, “Birgit has you well-trained!”

“Rachel and Tiffany, too. They hate that word with a white-hot passion.”

“Good! Then they’ll hate participation trophies and everything they imply.”

“I heard Jesse led a rebellion against those in ice hockey.”

“He did, and it lasted about a year. Then a bunch of idiot parents forced the issue and now refusing the participation medals will get you suspended for bad sportsmanship. Jesse and his team have a party when they get them and make a show of tossing them in the trash. The parents are pissed about that, but because the kids accept them at the rink and don’t disrupt the awards, there is nothing they can do about it. I swear to Loki, if we don’t teach kids how to lose, the world is going to be a seriously fucked-up place!”

“Do you think Rachel is mature enough to make this decision?”

“If I didn’t, I’d have told you so before, when you asked me what I would do.”

“I’m afraid that if I interfere, she’s going to end up like I was, but I’m also afraid of the step she wants to take.”

“The parent’s continual dilemma about just about everything. My theory is that if you make them hold the apron strings, they’ll never let go and never become proper, independent adults. And I think that starts the minute they are able to express themselves.”

“I’ve heard that idea from you and your friends many times and in many different ways. She’s a young adult, even if I don’t necessarily see her that way.”

“So who has the issue? Rachel? Or you?”

“Me. You’re confident this won’t mess her up?”

“No, because nobody can know for sure. That said, I do think she’s prepared to deal with it.”

“Why do you say that?”

“She talked to you about it, confidently, calmly, and practically, didn’t she?”

“Frighteningly so, yes.”

“Again, whose issue? Rachel’s? Or yours?”

“Mine. SHE isn’t scared or nervous or confused. I am.”

“Again, something every parent confronts.”

“You?”

“Yes, of course. But I don’t let MY fears or my confusion interfere with my kids’ decisions.”

“And when the time comes for Birgit? You’ll be OK with whomever she selects?”

“I have a pretty good idea who it’s going to be,” I grinned. “And the lucky winner is a young Swedish boy she fell for last summer when we visited Stockholm. It’ll be a few years, but I’m pretty sure they’ll manage to get together.”

“And if it were one of your friends?”

“Carla, we’re talking about perhaps the most personal decision anyone can make. I’m confident Birgit will make a good decision, whether it’s Kjell or some lucky Naval officer or some other guy. Or girl, if she discovers she’s a lesbian, but I highly doubt that given her extreme interest in boys.”

“And you’d be just like, ‘whatever’, if she was a lesbian?”

“You do know Jesse’s moms, right?”

“Sorry, it’s just not something I can contemplate.”

“So, like anything else in life, don’t do it! Society would be far better off if people who didn’t like stuff simply didn’t do it and left the rest of us alone unless we were doing actual harm to someone. You don’t want to have sex with girls? Don’t! You don’t want to have an abortion? Don’t! But make those decisions for yourself, not for everyone.”

“Rachel was adamant she wanted this to happen on her birthday.”

“If you’re granting permission, or at least looking the other way, then I could manage that, but there’s a consideration.”

“The STD test? Someone, and I think we both know who, told her about that. She had one and it’s clean, obviously.”

“I may have to kill a certain pint-size human!” I chuckled. “And just so we’re clear all around, I had a vasectomy, so there’s no risk of pregnancy.”

“Come by the house in a bit. I don’t want this any more public than it already is.”

“You know she’s going to talk to Birgit and Tiffany about it. And you need to let her do that.”

“Seriously?”

“Don’t you think it might have helped if you had a friend to talk to? Before AND after?”

“Probably.”

“Then let me go say ‘good night’ to my kids, have a word with my wives, and I’ll be by in about thirty minutes. Give her the coupon, please. She needs to hand it to me if she wants to.”