Chapter 2

It’s been two weeks now and things are getting worse. Steve has barely spoken two words to me and I feel alone. No longer does he do anything for me. He cooks and cleans for himself only and avoids me at all costs. If I go in the TV room where he is watching the game he leaves. If I try and cuddle at night he just rolls away. Things have to change. Tonight I need to talk to Steve and see if I can make this right.

As I returned home from work I came into the house and placed my bags in the chair by the door. I could her Steve in the kitchen and smelled dinner. I called out to him as usual but as expected, there was no answer. I made my way to the kitchen.

“Steve, I know you hear me. Please, can we talk?”

“I have nothing to say” he replied, never looking away from the stove.

“Please. It’s been two weeks now and we live as roommates, not husband and wife. Hasn’t it been long enough?”

“I wasn’t aware of a time limit, Paula. I still haven’t figured out what I am going to do.”

“I’m not suggesting there is a time limit, I just mean we can’t go on like this. If you let me talk and explain I think it will help. Just give me the chance to explain and you can still do whatever it is you decide but I really feel I need the chance to explain. I am losing you and the longer you go without hearing me out the harder it is to fix things.”

Steve didn’t respond right away but his body language suggested he was giving it some thought.

“OK. I will hear you out but after dinner. I have enough for two if you are hungry.”

“I’d like that. Thank you.”

The two ate, but not a word was spoken. Paula offered to clear the table but Steve declined.

“Why don’t you go change and I will do the dishes and meet you out back on the patio.”

“Thank you, Steve, I won’t be but a minute.”

Paula went upstairs to change and even though this is what she wanted she felt scared and nervous. What if I say the wrong things? What has he already thought? Is he planning to leave me? All these things raced through her mind. Instead of her normal T shirt and sweat pants she decided to dress differently. Not slutty, not formal, but not overly casual. She put her hair back in a ponytail; touched up her makeup, and decided on a more form-fitting shirt she wore for exercise and a pair of yoga pants that definitely accented her curves. Hopefully he doesn’t read this as the obvious effort to seduce him that it is.

She must have taken longer than she thought as when she came downstairs Steve was already out on the patio. She saw he was sitting in a chair, not the love seat, but she did notice he had opened a bottle of wine and had poured two glasses. She made her way out onto the patio and took a seat as close as she could to him, but not as close as she wanted. Lighting a cigarette and taking the wine she began her explanation.

“Steve, I know I screwed up big time and please let me talk and please don’t interrupt me until I am finished. Please.”

Steve took a sip of wine; not saying anything but gave a slight nod of approval.

“I have a wonderful husband who does everything for me, and now you think I am looking for your replacement. That is so not true. I love and I only want and need you. I felt that all I was doing was some harmless flirting to boost my ego. The excitement I wanted wasn’t sex with anyone else all I wanted was to feel the excitement of the chase. The feeling I had in the past when guys wanted me. I craved the feeling that I was still sexy, and desirable. When I was single I loved the attention. I loved the flirting and the dating. Watching guys fall over themselves trying to win me over and even to bed me. I had control. Being married meant I was no longer on the market so even if a man gave me a look that’s as far as it went. I know, I know. That is how it is supposed to be. But here I am, 36 years old, and I felt like I was watching everything from the sidelines. My single girlfriends had all the fun and excitement. Guys would buy them a drink; shower them with attention and affection. They had the fun of picking out whom they would take home and whom they would pass over. Sure, I had fun when I was out but it was limited to just girl talk. I never danced with another guy and I kept my distance from the guys. After awhile it was well known that I was hands-off. I missed it. So when John came into the office I guess everything just came to a head and I lost my mind. I gave all the right, or wrong, signals. The lunches were fantastic! He would tell me how lucky you were as I was a very attractive and sexy woman.

That Saturday was just to flirt. We were just about to leave for breakfast and talk work, and yes I was going to flirt, but then you when showed up. Why did I lie! Why didn’t I just tell you about going to breakfast? I should have trusted that you would understand. Now that I lied you would never believe a word I said. It wasn’t to be an all day of sex! Just breakfast, some flirting, OK maybe some kissing and touching, and then back to the office. Lunch would have been the same. Now I am sure John will want nothing to do with me, and Steve, you may be thinking divorce.

I will never do anything like that again. So Steve, it was just my stupid insecurities. I wasn’t planning on sex. I wasn’t having an affair. I was just acting stupid and flirting. It was all in fun. Please, do you understand?”

“Not really, Paula. No I don’t understand. What I understand is that my wife, who I loved and respected above all, was out seeking excitement from someone else. Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“And say what? That I want to flirt with other men? How do I say that? What would you say if I came to you and told you I planned to flirt with other guys? That I wanted attention from other men?”

“I would probably say what I said when I found out. No way in hell! I would say NO! I don’t want you getting attention from other men as YOU ARE MY WIFE! What I meant was why do you feel the need for that attention? Am I not doing enough here? Am I not saying the right things? Do I not treat you the right way? Why is attention from some stranger so important? Do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel inadequate. Like some how I am lacking or I am not enough man for you.”

“No Steve, you are man enough for me! You are an excellent husband. You are a great provider, a great friend, and a great lover. I can’t explain it well enough. It’s just some how I felt I needed the extra assurance from someone else to let me know that I am still desirable, still attractive, still wanted. Like I said that feeling I had long ago about the pursuit and feeling in control. I don’t know it was just building up inside me. But I never cheated, I have been faithful all the time we have been a couple and all throughout our marriage.”

“Kissing other men and letting them feel you up is cheating, Paula. You know that so don’t try and gloss it over.”

“Ok, I went too far and kissed but believe me – there was no feeling up. Can’t we work this out? Please, don’t divorce me over a kiss.”

“It’s not just the kiss. It is the lie. It now becomes a matter of trust. How do I know you won’t do this again but just be more careful? What happens next month, or six months, or six years? Every day you get older so when do you feel the need for some added “excitement” again? I don’t want to live not knowing if every lunch or late night or weekend day shopping is what it really is or is it a date? Right now I am struggling with not knowing if in fact it was just flirting or a kiss. You could have been out screwing clients for years and I would never know!”

“Oh god Steve, what have I done. How can I convince you that’s all it was! I need you to believe me. Tell me, please, how do I earn your trust? That’s all I ask now. I need a second chance to prove myself. If you don’t talk or if you leave I won’t get that chance. PLEASE! One more chance!”

Steve said nothing as he again sipped his wine but was deep in thought, Paula, being scared and nervous lit her third cigarette of the evening and finished her wine.

“I did talk to a few of my friends,” said Steve.

Paula let out a gasp “Oh no, now others know?”

“Heh, when I told them it wasn’t much of a surprise. It seems that on more than one occasion one of them had scene you at one of your lunch dates acting a bit too friendly with your companion. It wasn’t anything they felt was too extreme to tell me. I guess they missed the kissing and tit play. I was pissed about that and told them that if they ever saw anything again to call me right away.”

“I’m so sorry! I had no idea.”

“But when I asked them what they would do they all agreed that I shouldn’t throw your ass out in the street. Dave suggested I get one of those ankle bracelets like they give the prisoners on home release. We all laughed but it does give me an idea. Here is my proposal. If you agree we continue on. If you don’t then we split. There is no middle ground.”

“Go ahead. I will agree to anything!”

“Hear me out first.

I am going to set up our home computers to block any and all email accounts except for the ones we have from our ISP. On that email account I will set it to forward all incoming and outgoing emails to me. So anything you send or receive I will also get and read. If I find you somehow managed to set up some secret email account we are done. I can’t do anything about your work email but if I somehow find out you are using that to set up dates, we are done.

I am going to set the GPS on our phone. I will have it alert me anytime you leave the house and any time you leave work. That way I will know when you leave and where you are going. I will also get software that will do the same thing for your car GPS. If I find that you get some burner phone or any other phone then we are done.

When I ask to see your phone to check pictures or for any reason I want you will unlock it and let me see. If you refuse, we are done.

Whenever you have a lunch outside of work you are to call me and let me know whom you are going with and where you are going. It will be the same thing for working late or any weeknight or weekend shopping trips. I will not prevent you from going to lunch, happy hours, or shopping. You don’t have to ask for permission but you do need to inform me. If you fail to do this, we are done.

I will drop in at your workplace time again just to say hello, or have lunch, or whatever.

I reserve the right to check your purse, handbag, valise, and your car, on demand. I won’t check you every day but when I ask you have to let me do this no questions asked. If you refuse, we are done.

That is my proposal. I feel was you did was very disrespectful and what I am now proposing is disrespectful to you as well. I hate the fact that I am acting as your jailer but until I feel I can trust you that is all I have to offer. It really sucks that it has come down to this.”

“I agree. You will see you have nothing to worry about.”

“Ok then that’s it. I will start on this tomorrow and I guess we can call it your probation period. For just how long we do this, I can’t say. It all comes down to your behavior.”

The next two months came and went. Paula tried to act like the loving dutiful wife and Steve fell back into his normal routine of cleaning, shopping, and cooking. To someone on the outside everything appeared normal but to Steve and Paula things were still not right. Paula’s conversations about work were a bit too much. She talked about everything and nothing. Steve’s reactions were guarded. Sex had resumed but it wasn’t as loving and rewarding as before. It wasn’t lack of love but more in Steve’s case lack of interest. He still had his doubts about her affair or lack there of but kissing was still off the table.

Steve monitored the emails and text messages and nothing indicated that anything other than work and girl chat was taking place. Paula had few lunched out of the office and per the agreement Steve was informed. There were no happy hours or girl’s night outs and weekends were just for grocery shopping, which they did together. A few times a month Steve did drop by work to bring a coffee and bagel unannounced and he did stop in to take Paula to lunch. He began to think that she was being true to her word and maybe it was time to stop all the monitoring and get back to a normal married life.