Chapter 4

As I later learned, the conspiracy against me began as soon as they left. The ladies adjourned to Chelsea’s house, for a strategic planning session.

“They were perfect for each other,” said Chelsea, sadly.

“They were. We have to find some way to make this right.” That from my mother.

Anne and Claire agreed, and started planning. Maddy had been unusually quiet. They finally asked what she thought. “I agree with everything you said, but you didn’t grow up with him. He’s the most easygoing guy in the world. Until you piss him off. Then he gets stubborn, and I’ll tell you now, if we pry and he gets even angrier, we’d have a better chance of pushing a chain up Mt. Everest than getting them back together. He may end up cutting us out of his life if we push.”

They plotted for three weeks. Sissy had gotten to the point where she refused to talk to them. She knew she had made a mistake, but she didn’t know exactly how to correct it, and she had her own pride, and was possibly as stubborn as I was. They held yet another conference. After four hours, Chelsea looked at the group. Mom, Maddy, Anne, Claire, Chelsea, Clayton, Henry, and Clark. “It’s decided then?” There were nods all round.

“Well then, it’s time to invade Ireland.”

Plans were carefully laid, keeping me in the dark. It wasn’t that hard, because I was around them a lot less than I had been in the past. I got a call from Colin. Justine knew better than to call me, because I wouldn’t speak to her.

“Hi. How are you, Colin?”

There was silence for a second. I hadn’t taken a lot of his calls lately, either.

“Hi, Damon. It’s good to hear your voice.”

“Cut to the chase here, Colin. You obviously want something, or you wouldn’t be calling. Choose your words carefully.”

He hastened to assure me it was about business. “I have a client who owns horses and dogs, and I’ve shown her your work. She’s keen to get you over for an interview, her favorite dog is really aged, and she wants a portrait while there’s still time.”

“Not interested. I’ve got too much on my plate right now to go gallivanting off to Ireland. Besides, I’m not too keen on your country right now, Colin.”

“It’s not here,” he hastened to assure me. “It will be in England. I really think you should consider this. It will give your reputation a tremendous boost.”

“Who could be that important and influential?”

“The Queen of England.”

“You really expect me to believe that?”

“I can give references if you like. Think, Damon, one of your paintings hanging in Buckingham Palace. Consider the recognition it would garner you on this side of the pond. Lots of eccentric rich people over here.”

“I think I’m famous enough, now. I’m still turning down projects, and the fees offered are getting higher and higher.”

His sigh must have been loud, if I could hear it that well.

“Oh, she expects you to paint it for free.”

“Then that heavy crown she’s wearing has given her brain damage. Goodbye, Colin.”

He was still sputtering when I hung up.

Two weeks later, I got home after an assignment to find a government sedan parked in my driveway. As soon as I stopped people started getting out.

“Mr. Dawes?”

“Who wants to know?”

I don’t think it was the welcome they expected. “I’m James Andrews, Minister-Counselor to the Ambassador to England. Can we have a moment of your time?”

“No. Go home. I don’t work for free.”

Shock doesn’t even begin to describe the look on his face. I was still walking towards the door when his ‘associates’ stepped in front of me. I regarded them for a few seconds before I spoke. “Boys, I’ve had a rough couple of months, and have a lot of unresolved anger issues. I don’t have your training, but I guarantee you one of you will be hurt, at the very least. Plus, I have video cameras on us right this second. I had to have a state-of-the-art security system installed because I’m gone so much. My house has been broken into twice, people looking to steal paintings. Now how do you think it would look if you got into an altercation with a man just trying to enter his home? My livelihood rests in my hands. If I were to damage them, who would be on the hook for the loss of my career? I have a lot of good years in me, and if we averaged it out it would come close to something followed by eight zeros. I have a lot of rich friends in very high places, and any one of the lawyers would drool at the chance to represent me. Now, are we going to turn this into a media circus or are you going to move aside and leave me in peace?”

They moved aside.

I had my key in the lock as the Minister-Counselor spoke. “Think of the service you would be doing for your country.”

“Didn’t we fight a war against these guys to avoid unreasonable demands from an aristocracy that was rife with madness? Seems like we won. That means we don’t owe them didly. Go away, Mr. Minister-Counselor.”

One of the security guys almost laughed, but caught himself. I went into the house, making sure it was locked behind me. I watched them on video, and the guy was on the phone for a long time. Finally, he got out and knocked on the door. “Would you take this call, please? It may clear everything up.”

“I’m not muddled on anything, but if it will make you go away, sure.”

I recognized his voice, instantly, and immediately hung up. I thought the guy standing in front of me was going to have a stroke. “Here’s my number. If he wants to talk, he can call me.” I slammed and locked the door.

Five minutes later my phone rang. I started talking as soon as I answered. “Just so you know, I’m recording this conversation. I don’t want any negative tweets tomorrow.”

He was stunned into silence for a minute. I don’t think many people in his life talked to him like I did. Then he started his routine, it was a gesture of goodwill between two allies, think of the boost to my career, there may even be a medal in it for me. When he finally wound down, which took a while, he waited. Finally, he couldn’t stand the silence and asked if I was still on the line.

“I’m not a political person, Mr. President. I could care less about the Queen and I’m not going to paint her a portrait for free. If she’d like to make an appointment, I’ll have an opening in about sixteen months, and I’d be glad to do it, for my regular fee. Please respect my decision and let it go.”

I hung up and it rang immediately. I looked at the number and hit delete.

I was watching the video cameras. They were standing in the yard, with a lot of gestures and arm waving going on. There was another phone call, and then they all started towards the door, the security guys loosening their weapons. This did not look good. I made a quick call.

“Chelsea, hi. Listen, this isn’t a social call. I need the name of the best defense lawyer you know. Why? Because some guy is trying to arrest me. Who? The President. Yes, that President. They’re pounding pretty hard on the door right now. Do I let them in?”

“Absolutely not. If they break the door down, do not resist. Give them my number and tell them I’m on your legal team, and anything they do will come back to bite them, and indirectly, the President. Do you really think he needs more negative publicity?”

I wrote a note and stuck it in the window. A minute later the phone rang. “Are you going to open the door?”

“Do you have a warrant? If I do open the door, what are your intentions? Oh, and I’m recording, so think about it when you speak.”

There was a moment of silence. “No, we don’t have a warrant. What we do have is the instructions of the President of the United States to procure your cooperation by any means necessary. Please, Mr. Dawes, this is such a small incident in the grand scheme of things. Please cooperate.”

“All right.”

“What?’

“I said all right. IF the government pays me. And the price is $250,000, and not negotiable. Think the public would be pleased if their tax dollars were spent so foolishly? I don’t. And I want to hear the request in person from the Queen. Understand?”

“That is not acceptable!”

“Fine. Take this number down. It’s ONE of the team of lawyers who will be representing me. All talk needs to go through them from now on. Have a nice afternoon.”

He did make the call, and ten minutes later, after even more phone calls, they left. Chelsea called me before their dust had settled in the driveway. “Did they go away?”

“Yeah, for now. Do you think this is the end of it?”

“Not in the least. Be prepared, it may get rough on you for a while. A lot of your clients are friends and supporters, so your business may suffer.”

I laughed. “Well, I guess I’ll just have to paint for Democrats and Independents for a while. Thanks, Chelsea.”

She gave me a number and told me I’d put down a fifty-thousand-dollar retainer. I could pay her back later. She was almost laughing when she hung up.

He didn’t let it go. His tweet was epic. BAD PAINTER! BAD AMERICAN! It went on, but that was the theme.

I warned him. Before the tweet was an hour old, I’d released the video and audio on the internet. It went viral instantly. Chelsea called an hour later. “I wish you hadn’t done that. We could have used it as a bargaining chip. He’s reached out, so be prepared.”

I had six cancellations in the next four hours. They were all apologetic. I didn’t care. I just moved the remaining clients up the schedule, and let it be known on the grapevine I’d be available soon. My business phone couldn’t keep up with the messages. I’d be all right.

The next day he did three tweets dedicated to me, BAD AMERICAN, BAD PAINTER was the recurring theme. He even got one of his cronies to talk about a painting I’d done for him and how disappointed he was with the quality.

Of course, the press got involved. I gave two interviews, my lawyer sitting by my side. He wanted me to stick to a script, and I’m afraid I disappointed him. One of the interviewers asked if I had voted for the President. My answer surprised everyone, including the viewing public. “No. On the other hand, I didn’t vote for his opponent, either. I thought about it as I filled out my ballot, and finally decided to do a write in. I voted for ‘none of the above’. I mean, really, if I wanted to be governed by texts, I would have voted for Tweety Bird.”