Chapter 7: No. Hell, No

I didn’t sleep on Saturday night. I had adrenalin surging without an opportunity to release. At 1:00 AM I left the house. I walked. I ran. I found myself in a remote field and screamed over and over again. The problem with walking and running aimlessly is that you forget you have to go back at some point. I was over 5 miles from home, and I wasn’t any calmer.

I arrived back home at 7:00 in the morning. I called Paul and told him I’d be missing from church for the second week in a row. He heard it in my voice and didn’t offer or give a hint, but 20 minutes later he walked in my door. He saw broken trinkets all around, and several new holes in the wall. I saw him and completely broke down. My brother hugged me like he never had to before.

Minutes passed before I was calm and sat.

“Nate, can you tell me?”

“That’s just it. I don’t know. Over the course of two weeks, I went from having the perfect, loving, affectionate wife to someone who won’t look at me. I don’t think I did anything wrong. What the hell could have her acting like this?”

“I hate to say it, Nate, but these symptoms sound like a typical problem. You don’t think she was unfaithful, do you?”

He saw anger in my eyes. “NO. HELL NO. You know Beth almost as well as I do. Do you really think she could do something like that?” I was mad as hell that he could suggest such a thing.

“No, I don’t. But what can the issue be?”

“I don’t f ... fricken know. But she sure as hell is going to tell me when she gets home!”

Paul started roaming around the room to clean up the damage I’d done.

“Paul, leave it. She needs to see I’m pissed as hell, and I don’t want to recreate it in front of her.”

“So, what can I do, Nate?”

“Bro, you’ve helped by being here. Go to church. Pray for us. I don’t know what for, but it feels major.”

“Call later if you need something or need to talk, okay?”

“I promise.” I gave him a hug slightly harder than a normal ‘bro’ hug.

I had five hours to kill until she’d be home. I paced. I sat. The beer in the fridge kept calling me, but I was wise enough not to give in. Food had no appeal. I tried ginger ale and crackers to settle the churning in my stomach, but it didn’t help.

I sat in my chair in the living room. I heard her car door. The front door opened, and I looked at her. Her face scanned the mess, the holes in the wall, and the clear look of rage on my face. She looked sad and I knew she’d been crying. But then I saw something I had never seen before—something I never wanted to see—something I hope I’d never see again.

She was afraid. She was horrifyingly afraid of me.

Beth started wailing as she ran and fell on her knees in front of me. She rested her head on my legs a cried harder than I’ve ever seen any woman cry. I made no attempt to soothe her. I sat there and let her go on for a while. Once she was quiet enough that I thought she could hear me, I had to get this conversation started.

“As you can see, my patience is gone. I don’t want to lose it with you here. I love you too much. I suggest you pull it together, go sit on the damn couch, and tell me right now what’s going on.”

She looked and saw just how on the edge I was. I forced my voice to stay calm. I’ve never yelled at her. Her face told me she knew that statement may not hold true in a moment. She stood and backed to the couch and sat looking defeated, helpless, and defenseless. Her face was contorted. Tear kept streaming without the wailing. She couldn’t make her mouth work. She was frozen. I felt my blood starting to boil.

I leaned forward and uttered one, insistent, sharply pointed word—”NOW.”

She flinched in fear.

“I don’t know how to say it,” she mumbled as crying began again.

“Bullshit. You’ve been thinking of what to say for a week. NOW!” That was a shout.

“Oh, God,” she exclaimed as her face contorted with more tears, her hands waved open palms on either side of her head as if she was frantically trying to push something away. She looked like she was searching for the words high on the wall in the corner behind me.

“I ... I SLEPT WITH SOMEONE,” she screamed, struggling with each word as if she had to pull every syllable out with all her might.

I let her wail as I tried to process what she said. After days of trying to figure out what her secret could be, she confirmed the only assumption I could imagine for her behavior. Paul was right. It was the only thing that fit. Was I surprised? Not by the news because of how she was acting. But by that fact that Beth was the one who did it shocked the hell out of me. I could not imagine a more remote scenario than what she just told me. I never, in all my years, considered intimacy with anyone but Beth. I believed she would say the same about me.