Chapter 22: Shepherd’s Gift

9th grade: May 31st - June 6th, 1986

Making love to an eighteen-year-old, a seventeen-year-old and three fifteen-year-old girls was, for the first time, not a chore for me. Belinda Graves, the junior, was especially fun. My first titty fuck. I thought about having a painting made up for it, but later decided it would be kind of creepy.

I was using the RVs again since the south mansion was now closed. Adam and Jessica helped out at the RV, but my mom was pretty much running the show. Jessie was there too, though she wasn’t aware of what was going on. I spent a couple of minutes checking out some of the commands my mom had used on her. I could tell she’d been taking some tips from my dad from the way she used her motivators and inhibitors.

I found some minor tweaks in the girls too, and one had been directly responsible for giving me my first titty fuck with Belinda. I may not have mentioned my mom has an impressive pair of breasts. They defied gravity in the way they remained perfectly pert and round while she was upright, yet they flattened naturally when she was on her back. For a thirty-five-year-old, her breasts were amazing. Actually, after fucking Belinda’s that I thought weren’t quite as large as my mom’s, my mom’s were even more amazing to me from seeing how Belinda’s looked right before she knelt to suck on my cock.

Adam was working for and living with some of the people who had been living at the south mansion. He had his own apartment in the same apartment complex, but he was spending as much time in his co-workers’ apartments as he was in his own. Nothing sexual was going on. It was just the result of my father’s social programming in the older adults.

Not that I didn’t find some new programming in both Adam’s and Jessica’s heads. Nothing worrisome, but it surprised me at how much Jessica had embraced what the programming had pushed her towards. Working after school at the shelter three times a week as penance for the sex she was having with her official boyfriend Kevin gave her the balance she desired. Her parents thought she was nuts until my mom had a chat with them and straightened them out.

Adam and Jessica were super close as friends. It was a brother-sister sort of relationship. Jessica had managed to get accepted at a university in Chicago just so they could hang out together that fall. In a way, Jessica was the only family Adam had.

The programming in Adam’s head was purely to help him fit in at work, so I just shrugged my shoulders and headed across to the other RV to greet my next lover.

Because Jessica and Keven had finally done the deed the previous weekend, Jessica was the last girl I cleansed that day. Out of all the girls, she was simultaneously the easiest and the hardest to cleanse for me. I felt like I was losing a sister, but when it came to the final orgasm, I had no trouble sharing the love with her. And when she said, “I love you, Tim,” I teared up. All the other girls had called me Shepherd when they said their love yous.

I didn’t have to mess with Jessica’s perception afterward as she hadn’t lost her faith. In fact, she had helped Keven find his like his older brother, and she planned on going to confession Sunday afternoon. I didn’t ask if she was going to cut Kevin off or not. I didn’t want to know.

The five of us had lunch together before my mom and I took Jessie back to the house. Jessie was just over seven months pregnant and while she definitely looked it, she wasn’t that big yet. But my mom insisted she rest while my mom helped me go through my things that I still had there and wanted to keep. We also took pictures.

I felt oddly disconnected while doing all that. While going through my old toys, once I took a picture of it, I felt like, well, that was it and just tossed it into the donation box. I did keep a few favorite toys, my baseball cards, and all my books. The original redhead centerfold I had hidden away in my bookcase went into my New King James bible. I felt that was appropriate under the circumstances.

I had thought about donating my four bibles, but I realized my anger towards my faith was already diminishing. Maybe I’d even go to church with my mom that fall. She was talking about trying out the one in Hamilton which was way closer to the mansion than our current church. We’d probably go to morning mass during the week just because I knew my mom would always be in Marlfield on Sundays.

I asked my mom if Jessie was going to live with us at the mansion and I was surprised to learn she wasn’t. My mom was in the process of helping Jessie reconnect with her parents so Jessie could get their support after the baby was born.

I had mixed feelings about that. My little playmate Jonathan had a new babysitter now, not that his parents had time to use one with two new babies in the house. I stopped by and saw him and his new little sisters (twins!) before my mom and I headed off to pick up our twins to do some shopping. I didn’t know it, but that would be the last time I’d ever speak to him. I’d see him again briefly in almost eleven years, not that he knew I was there, let alone who I was if he had.

Ug. There’s nothing worse than being fifteen and shopping with your mother and two adopted sisters. I learned the twins’ birthday was coming up and my dad was buying them their own custom limo for their sweet sixteen. Their birthday was on the 9th, the next Monday after this one, but we would celebrate it on that Saturday. I was hyped in learning Suzi would be spending not just Friday night but Saturday night as well all thanks to the twins. Two whole nights and the day in between? That was a whole lot of sinning.

The twins made it clear they expected Joey and I to give them their own birthday present Saturday night in return. Now, I loved those two like sisters, but at the same time, I knew they weren’t really my sisters, so I wasn’t hung up on the whole incest thing. But the idea of fucking them scared me a little, and I know it scared Joey too. But I couldn’t say no to them. I didn’t think Suzi would either. The twins had spent as much time with her the past few months as they had with Joey and Brad.

They did their ice cream thing again while we were shopping. That still amazed me. I had no idea how they had figured out how to do that even though I had been there when they worked it out.

I vowed never to go shopping with women again without another guy going along to help carry things. I not only was carrying all my shit but the bulk of what the twins got for themselves. I had to make four trips to the limo that afternoon to dump our purchases. By the time we quit, I had a huge shopping headache, but I had to admit my wardrobe was looking pretty sweet.

I bought my first bottle of cologne too. Well, not the first I ever owned, but the first I picked out myself ... with the twins’ approval, of course. They rejected my first pick, but I admitted later to myself I liked what I had purchased better anyway.

I had my eyes closed for most of the drive to the Marlfield mansion. My mom wanted to talk about how I needed to pick a room in the north wing there and make it “my own” as well, but I wasn’t up to talking about it. I just told her I’d think about it, but I’d rather wait until next weekend so I could have Suzi’s and Joey’s input.

“Sweetie, I understand this is all a bit overwhelming, but you can’t rely on their input about everything. You need to make some decisions for yourself by yourself.”

I laughed and said, “What, like choosing my own clothes to buy?”

My mom scoffed and said, “That’s different. You want to look good for the girls, don’t you? Who better to help you with that than another girl?”

I sighed and said, “True. Though, I’m going to hear it from Suzi. She is my girlfriend, you know.”

My mom sighed and said, “She’s also Joey’s. I’m the last person to complain about a girl having more than one male under her thumb, but I find it so ... surprising you’re in that kind of relationship.”

I shrugged and said, “It couldn’t have happened with anyone else but Joey. The three-ways changed how we look at each other, Mom. All three of us. He’s not just Suzi’s boyfriend. He’s mine too. And I’m not gay. I don’t have the least bit of interest in guys. But with Joey...”

I shrugged.

My mom said gently, “You two have always shared everything. I suppose it shouldn’t have surprised me you’d share this with him too, but I don’t believe he would have done the same for you.”

When I gave her a grumpy look, she added, “Well, I’m not going to tell you how to handle your love life. But I think I better warn you you might hear a few words of wisdom from your father on the subject tonight.”

I laughed, “He’s going to give me advice about love?”

“Timmy, don’t underestimate him. Your father and especially your grandmother are more experienced in the matter than you think. And you might just be surprised about what he has to say.”

I asked, “Do you know what that is?”

“No. I don’t think he knows either. Just be patient with him and don’t fly off the handle if he starts talking about the positive aspects of doing what he’s done for the past twelve years. Listen to what he says first, then you can be honest with him if you want. But understand that he’s trying to share this with you like he’s shared his knowledge of telepathy.”

I sighed and said, “I hope he can wait until my headache goes away.”

My mom said, “I doubt he’ll even mention anything until after the play this evening.”

I nodded and closed my eyes again to relax.

I almost nodded off, and that probably would have done me a world of good if I had.

I had just finished taking some Tylenol for my headache with a glass of orange juice when one of my dad’s personal assistants found me. She informed me my dad needed to speak to me in his den.

My dad’s den was a room off his bedroom. He also had an office, but that was downstairs. I was already grimacing over what I expected this would be about. My mom must have mentioned me and Joey being boyfriends. I was fighting my headache trying to work up the best explanation that didn’t sound gay in my head.

My mom was in there with him, and when she saw my tense face, she said, “Relax, Timmy. That’s not what this is about.”

My dad asked, “Am I’m missing something?”

My mom said, “Don’t worry about it.” Then to me, she said, “Come sit down.”

I did not like the sound of that.

I sat down next to her in the plush leather settee, basically an upholstered bench. I’d call it a loveseat, but it didn’t have arms like I though a loveseat should have.

My dad got straight to the point.

“I got a call from your headmistress. She thinks you should continue to attend the Crow Academy.”

I said, “But their summer term would cut camp short and doesn’t end until after school starts at Oakley Senior.”

My mom said, “She’s not talking just about the summer, dear.”

“No! No way in hell. I’m not going to spend three more years in that ... that ... hell hole.”

My dad sighed and said, “Tim, you might not have a choice. She has the authority to force you.”

I exclaimed, “WHAT!?”

My mom said, “That was my reaction as well. A little detail your father forgot to mention.”

I glared at my father and asked, “And why didn’t you?”

My dad sighed and said, “You never once indicated to me you were interested in having a ... harem. Apparently, you’ve been thinking about looking for some people to play with next year.”

I groaned and said, “Oh, for Pete’s sake. I was thinking about looking for some volunteers! I wasn’t going to go enslaving the masses like some of those assholes at Crow probably did. I’m having dinner with her Tuesday. I’ll straighten it out with her then.”

My dad said, “Tim, there’s something else you need to understand. Bonnie Fellows has been headmistress there for a very long time. She’s a lot older than she looks, and she has this ability...”

“If she touches you, she can control your body and make you feel anything she wants. I know.”

“It’s more than that, Tim. It’s not telepathy. Her control is based on her control of your body. She literally can control the cells in your body. Now from what I understand, she doesn’t use it to alter people, but she has been known to use it to ... convince people to stay or return. For instance, all of the teachers there are past students. Even the people there who are immune to telepathy aren’t immune to her.”

I sighed and said, “Great.”

My mom said, “Sweetie, don’t stress about it too much. I’m sure you’ll convince her you’re not a threat to society. And you can thank your father for sticking up for you. He apparently was quite upset.”

My dad grimaced and said, “I broke the phone.”

I grinned and said, “I did that once. Remember mom?”

My mom said patiently, “Yes, dear. I remember. I also remember the hole in the wall it made.”

I shrugged. Joey knew how to make me angry too.

I was understandably tense on the flight back to Crow. Apparently, if she determined I wasn’t safe to leave, there wasn’t anything anyone could do about it. I’d be stuck there for the next three years.

Would that be such a bad thing? I kept asking myself that. While that would break my heart, a part of me thought it would be the safest thing for everyone. But I couldn’t do that to Joey and Suzi. I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t do everything I could to prevent that from happening.

Winston took the two bottles of wine I had with me and didn’t seem the least bit apologetic when I went over the discussion I had had with my parents. I knew he had been the one to report my pondering. It pissed me off he didn’t discuss it with me before telling her.

By the time I had changed clothes, I was in a foul mood by the lack of sympathy I got from Wilson. At dinner, I used my ignore me vibe to keep people from noticing me and wanting something from me. I began to loathe the people around me a little. They were all such fakes.

Take Russell. He was one of the instigators trying to get me into trouble so that I couldn’t leave. Yet he was openly friendly with me like he was my buddy and seemed honestly surprised when I told him to fuck off Monday morning when he tried to invite me to eat lunch at his table again.

“I’m not interested in making you look good by talking me into body swapping your friends. F off, Russell, and tell Jerald if he doesn’t stop trying to mess with my head while I sleep, he’s going to find himself waking up down in the dungeon in the morning.”

The dungeon was the south hall’s basement where the rats and cockroaches lived.

Monday’s morning classes dragged on, and at lunch, I had to face a pissed off Jerald who wasn’t about to take a threat from a freshman.

I just waited him out as he ranted and threatened, then when he ran down, I smiled, nodded, then stepped around him with my tray to find a table.

Suddenly four trays of food were tossed at me, one of them conking me pretty hard in the side of my head.

I wiped some macaroni and cheese off my face, turned around and glared at Jerald a few moments before asking, “Do you really want me to mess you up so bad that I get a level three? That’s what you want, right? That’s what all you want! For me to feel the stuff coming out of my butt from being so frightened of something?”

There was laughter and some jeers from the tables around me while Jerald sneered and said, “You’re not one of us until you do.”

I laughed and said, “One of you? Why the heck would I want to be one of you? You’re all pathetic. Instead of making the best of your situation, you all focus on the injustice of it all. Well, guess what? I might be stuck here with the rest of you! And if that happens...”

I started laughing as my imagination produced a number of images in my head of what I could do that wouldn’t break the rules but make people miserable.

I was told later my laughter had creeped a bunch of people out. I apparently needed lessons on how to sound maniacal. I thought about asking Sabrina for tips but decided to focus on my schoolwork instead.

My lack of retaliation to Jerald’s attack made it open season on Timmy at dinner. I ended up only getting some fruit to eat, and that was while I stood in line to leave.

At least my dormmates didn’t bother me. I think Wilson must have given them a warning ahead of time. Either that or they didn’t want a repeat of the last time they enraged me.

Tuesday morning, I discovered my ignore me vibe didn’t protect me from people tossing the trays at me. People outside the effect didn’t have any trouble targeting me using willing volunteers. After the fourth attack, the staff called it to a halt under the threat of assigned seating for the rest of term. I spent the rest of the hour dreaming up ways to trick people into doing it without getting in trouble myself. The promise of that weekend was the only thing that kept me from doing anything.

Lunch was more or less peaceful, but I was now on everyone’s shit list. Even Sabrina was keeping her distance, though I couldn’t blame her. Image and peer pressure were everything there. She couldn’t risk looking weak.

I wasn’t exactly in the best of moods when I arrived at the headmistress’s private dining room. I didn’t know what to expect as far as the company at the table, but I was a little surprised to find we were dining alone.

Headmistress Fellows was her normal warm smiling self and welcomed me to her dining room while holding both of my hands in hers. I didn’t even think of how she could have taken control of me while doing that until after I sat down at the table with her. The table was large enough to seat twelve, but it was just the two of us and the server. She sat at the head of the table and I sat next to her on her right.

Once sitting, headmistress Fellows said, “I assume because you brought wine, your parents allow you to drink it with a meal?”

“Yes, ma’am. My mother has been culturing me as she calls it since I was eleven. Though I’ve only recently started having a full glass with my dinner. My grandmother insists on it.”

“Your grandmother can be very formable when she wants to be. She was very upset with me over the phone on Saturday.”

“I didn’t hear about that. I did hear my father broke the phone he was using when he hung up.”

“I wondered...”

She took a sip of the wine that had just been poured, then she smiled and said, “Very nice.”

When I didn’t take a sip myself, she asked, “Are you not going to try it?”

I said, “I’ll wait for the meal if that’s alright. My stomach isn’t exactly feeling well.”

Headmistress Fellows nodded and said, “I’m sorry, Timothy. I haven’t made any decision yet. Your restraint in the dining room notwithstanding, I’m only concerned for your wellbeing long term.”

“Ma’am, the whole idea of looking for volunteers to ... play with came from the people who work here. Why should I be punished for pondering over something that is used here?”

“And yet you pondered it. It only takes one moment of weakness to start a lifelong trend. Breaking youth of those trends before they get established is what the Crow Academy is all about.”

I shook my head and said, “No, it’s about fear and resentment. Everything else comes second. I now understand why they resent those who get to leave. We get to escape that. For a few days a week, they can let down their guard and just be a kid.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way. I had hoped you might consider staying of your own free will. You’re a good example for the others. Showing them that they can control themselves without needing to be disciplined.”

“I’m not staying here to set an example. Ma’am, I’m not going to threaten you, but if I’m stuck here, I’ll end up just like them. And remember how I reacted to Sabrina trying to bully me? What do you think I’ll do if I’m forced to stay here? Only I won’t be targeting my ire on the students.”

Headmistress Fellows gave me a sharp look and said, “That better not be a threat.”

“I said I’m not trying to threaten you. I’m just telling you I’m not going to take my frustrations out on the new students like everyone else does. They didn’t put me here. Did Wilson tell you about the dreams I had last week and why I was worried about them?”

“Yes, and we have ways of dealing with such things. But this is not the subject we are here to discuss. I wish to hear about your analysis of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.”

I sighed and sat back looking at her, trying to puzzle out what she really wanted from me. For some reason, I couldn’t read her emotions besides whatever she openly displayed. My instincts were telling me she had already made up her mind. I couldn’t figure out why I would feel so certain about it without any external signs.

I said, “Ma’am, with all due respect, talking about works of fantasy while you hold a pistol to my head isn’t the education I expected from here. I’d rather talk about fear.”

“Fear?”

“Fear of God. Fear of sin. Fear of hurting those I love. Those are the things that led me here. I don’t know why people allow you to do what you do other than they must fear you more than anything else. The ultimate bully.”

The headmistress was taken aback by that.

She sat back in her seat as the surprise faded from her face before saying, “I’ve been called many things by students in my time here. The ultimate bully. That’s a first.”

The server brought in bowls of soup. Seeing there were no crackers, I simply followed her example and blew on the steaming spoonful before putting it in my mouth. The flavor reminded me of tomato soup, but this was a pinkish-yellow with odd little wavy noodles in it with slivers of cooked carrots.

After four or five spoons of the soup, Headmistress Fellows said, “Fear is what maintains order in the world. If we did not fear retribution for our acts, the world would be a very chaotic place.”

I said, “You sound like my grandmother discussing the strengths of a dictatorship. If everyone is afraid of the same thing, that unifies them. I’m sorry. It’s one thing to have natural fears. And I understand the need for law and order. But when something is forced on you, where’s the choice? Where’s the act of learning from your mistakes if you’re too afraid to make them? I didn’t run away when I found out the girls I had fantasized about were affected by that. I did things that made me sick to my stomach trying to cure them of it. I’ve already abandoned my faith because of the decisions I made based on my fear it had instilled into me. Now you’re going use it on me to make me stay here?”

The headmistress set her spoon down and said, “I don’t just use fear, Timothy. You’re empathic so you know fear is only one of many emotions that can control people. Your father uses love from what I understand. Which do you find more objectionable?”

I sighed. They were both dirty in my book. I went back to my soup, uncertain which to feel more strongly about.

She insisted on discussing the Lord of the Rings, and it became obvious she had read them herself recently from the way she picked out details I hadn’t mentioned to challenge my views.

The meal I’m sure was excellent, but it tasted like ash to me from the lack of any progress in changing her views about my future. I never did touch the wine. I didn’t want to take the chance it would loosen my tongue and I end up with a detention.

Wednesday was absolutely the worst day there yet. While I didn’t have any more trays of food or even drinks flung at me at meals, I was under constant bombardment by seemingly the entire school trying to enrage me. If I hadn’t been so desperate to go home that weekend, I probably would have done something epic in gym when I got tripped up and spun around so much I eventually threw up.

That night my subconscious apparently decided enough was enough. I had the weirdest dreams of picking locks, sneaking messages under doors, tickling feet while poking a pin in someone’s hair, and other odd images. And then I had the weirdest erotic power-lust dream of all.

I dreamt I was one of the Shepherd’s flock and it was time for him to cleanse me. The thing is, after the kissing and exploring his body with my hands, his right hand went straight to my asshole and with wettened fingers, he began to loosen me up.

And I was so turned on by that I moaned out my need. I wanted it so badly. I had been thinking about what it would feel like when Joey gave me my birthday present. I had spent Saturday night with the twins helping me stretch my asshole while resisting fucking myself with the dildos they used on me. My butt was tingling with expectation in the dream. The Shepherd spent so much time loosening me up and teasing me that when he finally pressed his cock’s head against my willing shithole, I moaned so loud I woke myself up.

And everyone else, apparently. Moaned, I mean. I realized I had shared it with my dormmates, but strangely enough, nobody seemed to be aware it had been me. At least none of them accused me of it that night.

The next morning, I was dragging my ass from not getting much sleep. I didn’t speak a word to my dormmates and they didn’t either, but I was used to that. They had switched to communicating through thoughts only around me on Monday.

I made it down to the dining room right before the cutoff and went straight to the coffee only to find a line waiting for the next pot as it brewed.

I sighed, turned to head for the food line, and the odd silence finally penetrated my groggy head. I locked my eyes on the entrance of the line and made sure I didn’t look at anyone on the fear I’d go nuclear from everyone having decided to think their conversations like my dormmates.

I unsuccessfully prevented the pain and loneliness from culminating as I walked across the room to the entrance, and I had to wipe the tears away before they could be released from my eyes.

I had just stepped inside entrance when someone bumped into me leaving through it. Calvin something or other. A sophomore.

Calvin seemed startled and then frightened when he saw who he had bumped into. I mean, I saw the color drain from his face.

And then mine did a moment later when Calvin said nervously, “Sorry ... Shepherd.”

Calvin was turning around to head out the proper exit when I managed to ask, “What ... What did you call me?”

Calvin flinched as he stopped, then looked back at me and stammered out, “Uh ... Tim, right? ... Sorry.”

Then he looked down at my crotch, flinched again, then turned and hurried away as fast as he could walk without looking back.

Calvin’s dorm was in the east building, not in the west with me. I looked out the entrance and saw forty eyes darting away from me. The feeling in the room was a bizarre mixture of confusion, humiliation and a touch of need.

“Oh, sh...”

I quickly turned around, marched over to the stack of trays and mechanically started going through the line while my head spun from the implications.

Sabrina’s voice broke me out of my inner turmoil of thoughts when she came up beside me near the end of the line and amusedly greeted me with, “Shepherd.”

“Sh ... Not you too.”

“No. Not me too. I’m the unlucky one who didn’t have a dream last night. I’m surprised Wilson hasn’t carted you off for the headmistress’s office.”

My heart sank. My last chance of seeing them one last time...

I beat the tears away from my eyes as Sabrina said, “What’s wrong? You just pulled the most amazing prank. Everyone’s in shock. How did you do it?”

I groaned, “I don’t know. I was asleep. I didn’t plan on it.”

She asked in a hushed voice, “You mean it was an accident?”

I moaned, “No, I don’t think so. I just didn’t do it on purpose.”

Sabrina glared at a moment before asking, “Well, did you do it or not?”

I nodded.

“You’re the strangest person I’ve ever met. You’re actually upset about this. You should be gloating.”

I exclaimed, “Gloating? I just ruined my only chance to go home and say goodbye to my girlfriend and best friend before I’m caged up here with the rest of you assholes!”

As the tidal wave of emotions hit me, I left Sabrina and my tray there while I ran out.

I couldn’t even see where I was going as I sobbed. Somehow I made it outside, and after taking stock of the empty courtyard, I hesitated on where to go. Then I got angry and headed right back into the south building.

I was ten steps away from the entrance to the headmistresses private dining room when Wilson’s voice said from down the hall, “You don’t want to go in there.”

Anger flared and I quickened my steps, but then I slowed down again and stopped two steps in front of the door.

I looked over my shoulder and found the hallway empty.

I debated a moment on what to do, then I suddenly felt very tired of all the bullshit.

I put my back against the wall and just slid down until my butt hit the floor.

I cried a little, but I didn’t sob or anything. After about ten minutes, I tried to imagine Joey’s and Suzi’s voices, hoping I could somehow connect to them, but it didn’t work. I got so frustrated with that I tried willing it to work like when I was just learning how to do things, but all that did was give me a headache on top of the exhaustion headache trying to form.