Chapter 21: Salvation

9th grade: May 9th - May 30th, 1986

After spending Friday cleansing seven girls, I had the rest of the weekend off as the rest of the girls weren’t ready. So what did I do with my time? I spent part of Saturday afternoon haggling with my parents about the future of the Hamilton mansion.

Like my father, I had formed a sense of resentment towards the south wing out of what I had done there. When my dad suggested tearing down the south wing, I was perfectly okay with it. My mom didn’t like the idea, but she really didn’t have a say in it.

But that wasn’t what we haggled over. My dad wanted to upgrade the rest of the mansion to something near the glamor of the Marlfield mansion, while my mom and especially me wanted to downscale it to something like what had been done to the south wing.

The mansion wasn’t mine yet. My dad had used the value of the property to lend against and he was still shifting things around to free it up. Tearing down the south wing would not only lower the property value and thus the taxes, but he’d be able to profit on the recovery of some of the materials. The marble was worth over five million dollars alone, more than what the wing was worth in some ways. The marble on the main building wasn’t worth nearly as much because it was mostly facade attached to the original natural stone.

We spent the afternoon and part of the evening going back and forth on what to change and what to leave alone. I had no idea what I wanted in a bedroom other than I didn’t want the master bedroom for myself. Maybe when I got older I would, but I was still tripping over the idea of having my own private bathroom.

The one thing my dad and I agreed on was upgrading the studies. With the south halls having the ballroom, game room, and pool, my dad insisted a south study be rebuilt where the south wing attached. The north wing would be removed as well (another 8 million in recovered marble due to the two floors), taking out the expansion his father had added past the north study, allowing the enlarging of the north study to match something like the one in Marlfield. The south study would be virtually identical to the north except it would have a backstage for putting on productions and have direct access to the gym’s showers.

He was convinced I’d want both studies and used the orgy at the New Year’s Eve party as an example. It made sense to build a large study by the ballroom, game room and pool, and I admitted early on I could see the need to having a smaller private study. At the Marlfield mansion, there was a second smaller study in the west wing’s basement underneath the main study. I thought the current north study was just the right size for the private study.

But my dad insisted on making them the same if for no other reason to give the building a symmetric look. As the plans evolved into expanding the gym and ballroom, I rolled my eyes realizing adding the study to the south end ruined the symmetry in the first place. In the end, I agreed to make them both large and admitted later I probably would have regretted it if we hadn’t once we got into the details.

The place would still have something like twenty-three bedrooms and seven servant apartments, but the unused bedrooms could be closed off.

There was a provision in the transfer that I couldn’t sell or downsize the estate, only transfer or sell it to a blood relative with the same provision. The original mansion had to remain intact. If the place burnt down to the ground, I was obligated to restore it to the best of my ability. That was my great grandfather’s doing when he had given the property to my grandfather.

During that discussion, I learned from my grandmother that my grandfather had hated his father too. She showed me a photo album she had put together when my dad was young with pictures dating all the way back to before the turn of the century. She had no pictures of her own family, but she had quite a few of my grandfather thanks to his friend Sheldon.

I spent Saturday night goofing off with the twins and slept in on Sunday. I was feeling restless by noon on Sunday. I want so badly to call Suzi or Joey, but my mom kept telling me not yet. A couple more weeks.

My dad had some business to take care of in New York City on Monday, so he flew out with me. He was talking about buying his own jet and was curious about what my opinions were on the ones I had flown on. I didn’t know what to say about that. What did I know about jets? We ended up taking more about the studies than jets, but I finally mentioned my idea of taking a bottle of wine to Headmistress Fellows when I had dinner with her. My dad loved the idea.

My dad even took the private helicopter ride out, but like my mom, he wasn’t allowed to get off. Headmistress Fellows and Winston didn’t come out to greet him which was somewhat of a disappointment to me, but as it turned out, that had been agreed upon when my dad had arranged his visit. My dad wouldn’t say why.

I was moved to a different dorm again. Dorm 19. This one had four freshmen and a pair of sophomores. I greeted them warmly and got the expected indifferent to cold responses back.

That frustrated me for some reason. Fifteen and they were already assholes? I understood they had been humiliated until they gained enough control of their abilities to prevent it, but to propagate that year after year just seemed wrong. But then I realized it was more about how I was one of the lucky ones who got to leave on the weekends.

Up in the dorm room after dinner, I found myself unable to concentrate on my book. The others were chatting and goofing off like teenagers, most of the time not even keeping their conversations secret by thinking them to each other. They were obviously bored from the way they would sometimes start heckling each other.

I put my book into my cubby hole and went over to the four freshmen playing a card game.

Justin Mason, Lisa Jensen, Felix Lowe, and Angelica Alvarez. The sophomores were Nathan Bowers and Monique Smith.

I said, “I’m bored. Anyone up for a game of mixed limbs?”

Felix asked, “Mixed limbs? What is that?”

“It’s where one person lays on the floor and four others take control of a limb and has to work together in making that person do something. It can get pretty hilarious.”

Angelica said, “That just sounds like a reason to grope each other. That’s against the rules.”

I said, “How is it groping if it’s your own hand? Besides, that’s against the rules of the game too. I cleared it with Wilson weeks ago. I just haven’t found anyone willing to play.”

Justin asked, “How do we know you’re not trying to trick us?”

I groaned and said, “Why would I be trying to trick you? I’m pretty sure I’m stuck with you for the rest of term.”

Angelica asked, “Nathan? What do you think?”

Nathan looked at me and said, “What happened between you and Sabrina? Why isn’t she trying to kill you?”

I said, “That between us. What about the game?”

Nathan looked at Monique and said, “It’s not like he can overpower all of us.”

Monique laughed, “Like Justin tried to do?”

Justin said, “Hey! That was ages ago. And you two ganged up on me, remember?”

Lisa said, “The answer is no. And you all know the reason.”

I exclaimed, “I don’t.”

Lisa said darkly, “Then you’re an idiot. But then we all know you must be if you came here willingly.”

I sighed, pulled up a chair and said, “I came here to be punished and to be miserable. I’m sorry that offends you, but if you think I’m enjoying myself, you’re wrong. I’d much rather be home with my real friends. But I hurt them and can’t even see them. You know what, forget it. The last thing I want to do is make some sort of friends here.”

I got up and went back to my bunk and laid down with my back to them.

Ten minutes later, I heard them all break out into laughter. From their chatter, I worked out they were playing a version of mixed limbs. The assholes didn’t even bother to invite me to play.

I spent the next fifteen minutes holding my cross and quarter while fighting the tears and remembering playing the game with Joey, Suzi, and Brad. We never had enough players to play it right.

Nobody bothered me while I slept, and nobody tried to mess with my limbs until we reached the lunchroom, but that was normal. Felix tried to offer an olive branch that morning by inviting me to sit with him. I politely declined and ate with people I didn’t know.

Classes seemed to go quicker than usual, and I was surprised when Russell and Doyle came to the table I was at for lunch and sat down on either side of me.

I said, “Hey, guys. What’s up?”

Doyle said, “We need your help.”

Russell said, “It’ll get you detention if you do it, but it’ll also get you some respect around here.”

I said, “I don’t care about respect. But just for giggles, what is it?”

Doyle said, “We can’t tell you unless you agree to help.”

Russell said, “It’s not quite like that. If we tell you, you’ll either have to keep it to yourself and get a detention when Wilson finds out you knew, or you tell Wilson.”

“Seriously? What do I get out of this besides respect I don’t care about?”

Russell said, “What do you want?”

“I don’t know. Maybe ... How about telling me things like what are the more serious forms of detentions are. Or how you ended up here? Everyone here is so distant and cold. Why should I help any of you?”

Doyle said, “You helped that ... Sabrina.”

I said, “All I did was get her off my back. What makes you say I helped her?”

Russell said, “She hasn’t been rebelling like she used to. She still picks on people, but she’s not purposely making things worse for herself.”

I shrugged and said, “Maybe she’s just tired of doing it. So how about it? How did you two end up here?”

Doyle asked, “So you’ll help us if we tell you?”

I said, “Probably not. Not without some idea what it’s about first. I might consider it next time though.”

Doyle said, “I told you he was a manipulator. Let’s go.”

Doyle stood up.

Russell said to Doyle, “Just wait.” Then Russell turned to me and asked, “When you first came here, you offered to trade bodies with someone. How does that work?”

I said, “You mean a body swap. Oh, that’s where I redirect all your motor control and senses to another person’s body and optionally theirs to yours. I’ve done three-way body swaps too, but that’s when I’m one of them.”

Doyle sat down and asked, “Can you show us how to do that?”

I looked at Doyle, feeling his anticipation and excitement. When I glanced at Russell, I felt a similar sense of anticipation, but also fear.

I looked down at my tray and said, “I don’t know. I can try, but my mom said that ... Well that she doesn’t understand how I can handle so many links at once. I’m not sure if you’ll be able to do it.”

Doyle said, “It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. Just enough to convince them they’re actually ... uh...”

I said, “In another person’s body?”

Doyle nodded.

I asked, “Have you ever actually controlled someone else’s limbs before? As in take control of their body and walk them around like it’s your own?”

Russell said, “Yes, but it doesn’t feel natural.”

Doyle said, “And it gives me a headache if I do it very long.”

I said, “If I try to show you, will that get me into trouble?”

Doyle said, “No, of course not. You’re not violating the rules.”

I looked at Russell and gave him a questioning look. Russell fidgeted a moment before shrugging.

I sighed. While no one was required to inform on someone else if they suspect them of breaking the rules, knowingly playing a part of a scheme that did would earn yourself a detention.

I said, “The detention of doing menial labor doesn’t bother me. Is that the worse that could happen?”

Again Russell shrugged, but then he said, “Look, Tim. Sometimes you just have to let off some steam, do something crazy and damn the consequences. While they can’t alter your mind, they can make things very unpleasant. Painful even.”

“Torture?”

“In a way. The headmistress is immune to spark and when she wants, you can’t even tell what she’s thinking. She is scary. I mean some of the things she’s done ... You just don’t understand how helpless you are against someone like that.”

“But she’s so little...”

“It doesn’t matter. If she touches you, she has complete control over your body. She can make you feel anything, control your muscles, make you cry, laugh. But the worst part is...”

Russell faltered, so Doyle said, “Fear. She can make you feel so scared that you wet yourself. So scared you have nightmares for weeks about it.”

I glanced at Russell who simply nodded. They both were emitting so much raw fear, I was starting to feel it myself.

I asked, “Then why would you risk that?”

Doyle said, “Because if we don’t, she wins.”

Russell said, “Sabrina was the only person so messed up that she welcomed the worst the headmistress could manage. In a way, we all feared her because of that.”

I sighed and said, “Okay, I guess I get that. Look, I don’t think I can help you. But I can show you why if you allow me to swap the two of you for a couple of minutes.”

Russell and Doyle looked at each other. Russell’s shrug made Doyle frown.

But then Doyle looked at me and asked, “Where? When?”

I said, “How about right now?” and formed the links.

I admit it. I was showing off. My mother warned me against doing that, but it was just a five-minute body swap between two guys.

As they both exclaimed their surprise, I sat back and started chomping down on an apple while enjoying their comments on how real it felt and then the small differences in how their bodies felt. Joey was never convinced the links didn’t somehow alter the way the bodies felt, but I had swapped with enough people to know nobody’s nervous system was exactly the same.

Russell and Doyle rushed off to tell their cohorts at their regular table. I killed the links when I was finished with the apple.

One of the things I had figured out was the upperclassmen tended to hang out with their dormmates from when they were freshmen at lunch. It seemed they all formed a bond their first term together that only grew over time. Not everyone had that, but only those who hadn’t been there their freshman or sophomore year.

Russell and Doyle came back right before it was time to line up to thank me and to invite me to their table for dinner. I politely declined but said tomorrow at lunch would be okay. They grudgingly agreed.

At the end of last class, I was called to Wilson’s office. I stood in front of his desk for five minutes while playing back everything that had happened at lunch, figuring that was what he was most interested in. I was wrong.

He asked, “What happened this morning at breakfast?”

“Breakfast? Nothing. I sat with some people I didn’t know and ate by myself.”

“Nobody approached you then?”

“Felix invited me to eat with him, but that was while we were still in the dorm room.”

“Why didn’t you eat with him?”

“Because I don’t want them as friends. What’s this about?”

“Just following a lead. Your older friends are playing a stupid game. They’re not being honest with you, Tim. They’re trying to hook you into doing something that gets you into deeper trouble. They see you going home every weekend and they want to make you as miserable as the rest of them. They all do. Don’t play their games. You don’t belong here.”

“Why do you support this place then? If they’re so miserable...”

“They will be even more miserable if they’re allowed to use their abilities without limits before they reach an age that lets them set their own. Don’t worry about it. They’ll all eventually leave here and at some point realize how important what they learned here was.”

“And what is that?”

“Self-control. Why else would they be locked up together day and night, showering together and sleeping nude with the opposite sex? Yes, the headmistress is terrifying. But she does it out of compassion, not pleasure. Something you can understand from your own recent ordeal.”

I flinched but after a moment, I nodded.

Lisa was the most resentful of my dormmates. I tried to completely ignore the others, but Lisa made it nearly impossible for me not to pay attention to. If I tried, she’d just come over, get in my face and say, “I’m speaking to you, moron!”

The fourth time she did that, I said, “Who’s the moron? The one not listening? Or the one who can’t take the hint I don’t care?”

“Listen, you ... you ... fat head. If you think you’re so much better than we are that you don’t have to hear what we say, then you’re biggest...”

I shouted, “ALRIGHT! What do you want?”

“I want you to stop acting like you’re Jesus and we’re the common folk who need your blessings.”

“Okay, then stop treating me like I’m the reason you’re here. You think I can’t sense the way you feel towards me? How is it my fault you can’t leave on the weekends? How is my fault that you have voice or spark or whatever you want to call it? Why is it my fault that you couldn’t restrain yourself from using it and getting yourself put here?”

Monique said, “Why are you here? What did you do that makes you want to be punished? How is that any less worse than what any of us did?”

I said, “I don’t know what any of you did. And I don’t care. If you purposely altered someone without their permission for your own gain, then I think you probably deserve to be here. What I did was accidental and then when I asked for help to fix it, I was led to do things ... Well, it made me sick.”

Justin asked, “What happens after you’ve been punished enough to your liking? You just go home?”

“I’m going home at the end of term regardless. I just want my old life back. Something I’m sure all of you can appreciate. I’m sorry you’re trapped here. But I didn’t cause it, and there’s nothing I can do to end it. So why take it out on me? Just leave me alone. I’ll be gone in four weeks. Just pretend I’m not even here.”

And with that, I started emitting a leave-me-the-fuck-alone vibe.

But Lisa wouldn’t let me be.

Wednesday evening after showers, I was lying on my bunk naked on top of my covers, idly holding my cross in my hand while probing for the love the cross used to excite in me. Whenever I focused on the heart, my mind always went to think of Suzi.

I so badly wanted to talk to Suzi. I felt so hollow inside. Not the gnawing hollowness I had felt about what I had done to the girls. This was just an emptiness, similar to how I felt being separated from Joey so long.

Joey. He once worried about how we might find someone else to be best friends with. From the little the twins and my mom hinted at, it appeared Joey had been right. He and Brad were on the baseball team and spent the weekends together as much as humanly possible. Brad’s and Joey’s parents had even gone to Silver Dollar City together for three days over spring break. I had been there with Joey a few times, and Brad and John had gone a few times together. We had always dreamed of the four of us going together. I had missed my chance.

But Suzi was who I was missing the most right then. The gold heart on the cross; that was her heart. Every time I looked at it, that’s who I saw. I wanted to call her up and tell her what was going on. I would tell her everything that was rattling around in my head and she’d somehow make some sort of sense out of it. She always made me feel...

Lisa snatched it out of my hand, asking, “What’s this? Are you some kind of Christian or something?”

I growled, “Give that back.”

“But personal items aren’t allowed.”

She tossed it to Justin, who only caught it to prevent it from hitting him in the face.

Justin exclaimed, “Watch it, Lisa!”

I stood up, anger bubbling up from the depths where my feelings for Suzi had been coming from.

I walked up to Lisa and snarled, “Lisa, so help me, I will...”

Lisa stepped back from me but then said, “Or you what? Do something that might get you into trouble?”

She danced around me and headed over to Justin.

I said, “Justin, don’t give it to her.”

Justin let out a “chh” sound before doing precisely that.

Lisa said, “You’ve been looking all gloomy and pathetic while staring at this thing. What is it to you? Or should I say who?”

I said, “You wouldn’t understand. You never felt the love of Jesus.”

Angelica laughed, “The love of Jesus?”

The others found it funny too.

I tried to calm down, but then Lisa slipped the necklace over her right index finger and started swinging it around like a hula hoop.

I spat, “Don’t! The necklace isn’t that strong.”

Lisa said, “It’s strong enough.”

I walked towards her demanding, “Give it to me, now.”

Lisa decided this was great fun and moved away, going around the table. I followed her then lurched at her to try and grab her, and in doing so, she jumped away and was in the process of turning when the necklace fell.

And then she stepped on it with her heel.

Lisa yipped and fell to the ground. Nathan and Monique rushed over to help her while Lisa’s foot sent the necklace sliding across the floor towards me.

Even before I touched it, I could see the heart was broken. It was just a piece of gold plated metal wire, the dip of the heart welded to the back of the cross. Now it was turned sideways with one end hanging. And the loop that held the cross on the necklace was now broken.

My eyes teared up when I picked it up. This was exactly how I had been feeling. Like my connection to both Suzi and my faith had been broken. The two things that I related as good in my life ... broken.

And all Lisa had to say was, “Oops.”

The anger welled up inside so quickly she barely had time to blanch seeing it on my face before she screamed from feeling the fires of hell consuming her flesh.

I did it for twenty seconds. I had to make the others trip over themselves to keep them from physically tackling me or attacking me. When I released her, Lisa crumpled to the floor and started to sob. I had to shock Nathan and Justin to keep them off me as I got dressed and left.

I went outside and welcomed the slap of the cool upper New York May air. The sun had set and the sky was overcast, the only light was coming from the windows and the lighting of the landing pads. I headed towards the south building, but then diverted to the circle of benches at the center.

I sat down, opened my hand and stared at the broken pendant.

I said softly, “So this is what it feels like to have a broken heart.”

I laughed softly at my little joke, then pulled the other necklace over my head and placed it in my palm with the other one.

After a moment, I slipped off the bench to kneel, then with the two necklaces trapped between my hands, I prayed.

“Heavenly Father, I’m sorry. I’ve lost my way. I guess I’ve sinned so much I can’t feel my connection to you any longer. I’ve tried to find my way back; I’m trying even now, but I can’t find you.”

I paused a few moments, feeling out what to ask, then continued, “I know I can’t expect special treatment, but I’ve been trying so hard ... I don’t understand why you would give me this gift and then let me use it like I did. If you sent me the dream, why couldn’t you have warned me before I did so much harm? I’m just a kid. Why are you holding this against me?”

I didn’t expect a reply, but I listened carefully to the environment around me. Other than hearing someone approaching, there wasn’t even a gust of wind to rustle the leaves in the trees around us.

Frustrated, I prayed, “If you’re not going to answer, I’m going to follow my heart back to my friends and family because that’s where it’s pulling me right now. And I will sin. I will sin like you wouldn’t believe.”

The footsteps had stopped, apparently waiting for me to finish before approaching any further.

So I simply finished up, “So I guess this is goodbye for now. Maybe someday you’ll find it in your mercy to send me a sign you’re willing to forgive me. I just hope you don’t take so long that I won’t care by then. Amen.”

I batted the bitter tears out of my eyes that last bit had made, but then when I opened my hands and the necklaces fell onto the concrete bench, I saw the heart had broken into two and one piece was completely separated from the rest. That made me tear up again, taking it as the sign I truly had lost my connection to Jesus.

Anger replaced the sorrow a moment later. I grabbed the cross and the broken bit, stood up and threw them with all my might.

I stood there breathing hard with my heart beating in my throat for several long seconds before feeling a sort of relief fall over me. Like I had just thrown all my sins away.

I let out a soft “huh” sort of laugh, realizing I felt good about this. All the guilt I had felt about the girls doing things they shouldn’t ... That was because the fucking bible told me they shouldn’t. That gnawing hollow feeling had been all about corrupting the innocent and making them miserable. And I had a right to feel guilty about causing that, but...

I felt sex wasn’t a sin by itself. Sex without love, without tenderness, to take pleasure from someone for just the pleasure itself, that was a sin. But I had been so focused on what people had taught me that I had ignored the magic, the life the need had inspired in those girls. They were so disappointed afterward when the need no longer excited them. The magic was gone.

I vowed I would never let myself be told what was right and wrong without feeling it in my heart too. That’s where the truth was. If there was a God, I felt that’s where he would put it.

I picked up the two neckless and put them both on. I was tempted to put the coin carrier on the necklace Suzi had given me, but for now, I decided I’d keep wearing them both.

When I turned, I was startled seeing Wilson standing on the path to the south building. I had forgotten someone had come out.

Wilson asked, “All done?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Mind explaining why your dormmates want you publicly flogged in the morning?”

“You flog people!?”

“No, of course not. They’re demanding you get detention, level three.”

When he saw I had no idea what he meant, he said, “Since I’ve worked here, we’ve never had anyone last this long without making a serious enough infraction to warrant the highest level. They usually do it on their first day, the rest no more than a week. The longest was seventeen days. You’ve been here now for twenty-one days. Congratulations.”

“Thanks. Do I get a prize? Or do I get to visit the headmistress’s office and get the stuff scared out of me?”

“That depends on if you did anything to warrant it. I didn’t expect you to have any trouble with those six. What happened?”

After I gave him my side of the story, he said, “I’ll have to interview the others before I can make an official determination, but I believe other than losing your temper, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“And does losing your temper ... oh, never mind. I can’t go home. I’ll be too tempted to go see them and I can’t do that yet. Give me a detention. I don’t care what level.”

“Go to the library. Find something to read that will take your mind off things. I’ll come find you.”

I felt a touch of compassion in his voice, and when I looked up into his eyes, I saw it there too just before he turned towards the west building.

As I approached the east building, I realized in just under four weeks, I had managed to be kicked out of all four buildings. Though I technically never actually slept in the east building due to my showdown with Sabrina, I had been assigned there. I had been in the library a few times already during class, but I never had the opportunity to visit it otherwise. You had to make arrangements to do so ahead of time.

There were a few students there, but it was empty for the most part. I checked out the magazines first and found one that strangely enough had an article about private jets and whether they were worth the expense.

After reading that article, I went hunting for something else and ended up going down some of the aisles of books looking for something to catch my eye.

That’s when I came across a book with a symbol on it that spoke to me. It was reminiscent of the symbols Joey and I had felt out. The contents of the book were about marketing and advertising and even though I understood most of the words, the context went way over my head. I put it back and looked around some more.

Astonishingly, there was a small section on telepathy where I found a book filled with symbols, but they didn’t look right to me. They looked like someone had taken a blurred shadow image and made a rough approximation with a pen. I couldn’t feel out their meanings.

Frustrated, I put that one back and just randomly picked three others and took them over to a chair to skim.