Chapter 3

“This isn’t the best place to practice dance steps, but if you’ll come over here to this bare ground, I’ll show you.

“I’ve never had any lessons, other than my mom. I just learned what little I know about the modern Country Dance steps from the women I met. And yes, there were lots of girls, even younger than you, just barely old enough to get into the clubs - who asked me to dance with them. Those girls taught me more about dancing than the women my age who danced all the time.”

“Why is that?”

“It seemed to me they were more comfortable with themselves, and with dancing. Like it just came natural and didn’t have to be practiced, or be perfected. The first girl, and I hate to call her that, but she was eighteen and I was twenty-seven. She was there with some friends her age. She told me that her older brother taught her to dance. She knew all the country dances. She told me that the first thing I needed to do, was relax my body, and not be so stiff when I held her.”

“I can’t believe you’ve ever moved in a stiff manner. You walk so smooth and easy, as if you are gliding in your boots.”

“My dad walked this way and so does, Dale, my brother. I think we both mimicked Dad’s walk. I know I did because he was so smooth, just as you said. He took long strides and it looked so easy for him to walk. He walked like that until he died. He never limped and never complained, as far as I know.”

“Did you dance a lot with this one girl, or was it just one dance with a lot of girls?”

“We did dance a lot - before I told her that I had to be up early the next morning.”

“Did you see her the next time you went to that club?”

“Yes ... and Julie, it’s hard for me to talk about myself like this.”

“I was just wondering if she saw you as I see you now. A very tall, very handsome man who smiles easily, and talks with such a gentle voice, it makes me feel like I can talk about anything with you.”

“I suppose I am somewhat like you just described me. To answer your question - yes I saw her again. Many times as a matter of fact. But I never let her come here. At the time, I felt like she was too young for me to get serious about.”

“If you saw her today, would she still be your friend?”

“I’d like to think so ... Julie, I’m not going to tell you any more about her. She was getting too close to me - and I let it happen. Then, I lied to her and told her that I was seeing someone else, and we parted friends. At least, I hope she still sees me as a friend, after the time we spent together.”

“Did a lot of different women ask you to dance when you went to those clubs?”

“Yes, and we’re scratching the surface of some deep stuff here. I’m not good at telling things about my personal life.”

“But I need to know about how you reacted. I’ve never dated and I’ve never been to a nightclub. I wouldn’t know how to react if someone asked me to dance.”

“If you don’t know how, you’d tell them you don’t dance. I would imagine that most men, no matter their age, would tell you they would like to ask you again, when there’s a slow song playing, if would you dance with them.”

“I’ve seen couples dancing on TV, but I have no idea where the woman puts her left hand and where the man puts his right hand, even on a slow song. All I remember about it is, the man holds her right hand in his left hand.”

“I’m not sure there’s a certain place for a woman to put her left hand, but from what I’ve learned, if a woman wants a man to dance close to her, she will put her left hand on his side above his belt, or maybe even hook her thumb in his belt-loop to let him move closer. If she doesn’t want him to dance close, she’ll most likely put her left hand high on his chest, or even on his shoulder, as if she’s ready to push him back.”

“Where does a man put his right hand on his partner, so it won’t be offensive to her?”

“On his partner’s left shoulder ... If they’re friends, lovers, or married - most likely he will put his hand above her hip, or even around her waist and pull her close, especially on a slow song.”

“How would you dance with me, with - uh - with my big breasts?”

“If we were dancing for the first time, or even before we were very familiar with each other, I would put my right hand on your left shoulder and hold myself away from you. If we were dating, or married, I would pull you close.”

“What should I do if a man wanted to pull me close and I didn’t want him to?”

“Put your left hand on his chest firmly and if he tried to pull you close, push back to let him know you don’t want that.”

“Show me what you just told me, and tonight, I want you to show me with music. Will you?”

“You’re asking me to be close to you, and you have to understand - I see you as a beautiful young woman who has been mistreated most all your life. With all of that in the back of my mind, I’m not sure about this. I don’t want to do something that would offend you.”

“Wade, I’ve been with you for almost a day and a half already and you haven’t so much as touched my hand. I do trust you and I want you to teach me to dance. I don’t want another man touching me until I know what to expect.”

“When Dale and I started dating in high school, our mom gave us some rules which we were to live by. Rule number one was, never touch a girl unless she touches me first, to let me know she wants to be touched. Even then, it doesn’t mean the girl has given me permission to touch her body.”

“I wish my mom had given me some rules like that - about boys - what to expect, and what not to do. When I was thirteen, I was already wearing a size thirty-two B bra. Her drunk friend - at the time - groped me from behind as I stood at the counter slicing cheese. I turned around with the butcher-knife ready to stab him, when he ran from the kitchen laughing. I yelled at him and told him I would kill him if he ever touched me again.”

“Where was your mom?”

“On the couch - passed out.”

“Julie...”

“What? ... Tell me what you were about to say, Wade.”

“Nothing. I almost hugged you, then I caught myself.”

“Because you felt sorry for me?” she asked and her eyes were full of tears.

“No, because I care about you and I want to help you erase all of those bad memories, somehow.”

“Wade? Will you hug me now - and let me hug you?“

I held out my arms and she rushed me. She was sobbing as she clung to me. I didn’t know what to do, so with my arms around her, I patted her shoulder and held her until she stopped crying.

“I’m sorry, Wade. You’re the first person who’s ever even offered to hug me. There’s no way I can tell you how much your hug meant to me, or even how I felt with your arms around me. I wanted you to hug me, but I could tell you were afraid I’d be offended. Thank you so much for being my friend and for bringing me here to work. I promise I won’t be a whiny, snively little girl anymore.”

“You’re not a whiny, snively little girl, Julie. You’re a beautiful young woman who has been ignored, then mistreated most of your life ... If you ever need a hug, come to me. No matter where we are, no matter what I’m doing. I consider you a friend and I care about my friends.”

“I know I’ll need another hug from you, now that I’ve had my first ... Uh, Wade?”

“Yes.”

“If you ever need a hug, would you come to me? I’ve never had a friend like you, but if it’s okay for a hired hand to hug her boss, I’ll hug you anytime.”

“We’ll leave it at that, for now. Anytime either of us needs a hug, we’ll both know who has one waiting for us. Now, let’s save the dance steps for later, and ride some more.”

We didn’t make it over to the Chisholm Trail today. By 4:00 in the afternoon we were on the far side of the ranch, about two and a half hours from the house, walking our horses.

Back at the barn, while I took the saddle and bridle off Duke, Julie was taking the saddle and bridle off Crusty. By the time I had Duke wiped down and brushed, she had Crusty in his stall, brushed and wiped down. Manny looked over at me, nodding his approval, and I gave him a nod.

After supper, Julie helped Mandy clear the table, then wash and dry the dishes. Of course, Mandy fussed at her, telling her this was her job.

“Yes, but you have helped me so much, and you braid my hair when I ask you to.”

“Hon, I love braiding your hair. Manny and I never had kids and I’ve always wished for a pretty girl to make a fuss over. Please, don’t think you have to repay me for brushing your long hair, and braiding it for you.”

After Mandy and Manny went upstairs, I walked into the den to catch the news. Julie came in and sat next to me on the couch. I could tell there was something on her mind, but it wasn’t what I imagined.

“Wade, when you were my age, did you kiss a lot?”

“Julie, I don’t mind you asking questions about my past, but you have to realize, you ask many questions which require admission of personal experiences and information about myself that makes me uncomfortable answering truthfully.”

“I don’t mean to intrude into your personal feelings about your past. It’s just that I’ve never been kissed and I’ve never even wanted to kiss any of the boys or men in my past. At times I feel so comfortable around you, that I feel I can ask you anything and you’ll help me get over my fear of men.”

“Julie - somehow - together, we’ll help you get over your fear of men. Not all men are like the ones you’ve been caged with all your life. Stop and think about this - as bad as you’ve had it, you haven’t been molested. If you’ll trust me - and learn to believe in yourself - we’ll work together to help you accept the fact, that you’re a very beautiful, very sexy young woman. Based on what you’ve told me about your past, you actually don’t allow yourself to see you - Julie Winters - as I, and others see you...

“If I were to put the photos I’ve taken of you since you came here, on a disc and show them to you one after the other, you would see yourself as I see you.”

“I suppose you’re right. I know I have a big butt and big titties - I’m sorry - big breasts. I know boys and men like girls with big breasts and big butts and I feel like every one of them I pass by, or see across the street, is looking at my big ass, instead of looking at me as a person. Does that make sense to you? Or is it just my fear of men that makes me feel that way?”

“First of all, you have been blessed beyond comparison, with the most beautiful face and body of any woman I have ever seen in my entire life. Yet, because of your history of living with your mom and her drunken friends, then living with your dad and stepbrother too, you seem to think all men are like that...

“I’ll admit, many men and boys are like the ones you described to me. Then there are many men and boys too, who recognize pure beauty when they see it – and I would imagine, they do stare at you - but it’s because they are in awe of your natural beauty, not because they want to molest you.

“I have yet to see you wear makeup. You dress in plain jeans and denim shirts, yet you will never be able to hide the fact that you have a beautiful face and a sexy body...

“Even in the western store that day, the woman clerk thought you were some famous rodeo celebrity. Don’t you see? Even women recognize that you’re naturally beautiful and see you as being sexy as hell, even when you’re trying on western clothes for the first time in your life.”

“Wade?”

“Yes?”

“Will you do me a favor and carry your digital camera with you everywhere you take me? No matter where you see me, or what I’m doing, will you take my picture? I need to learn to see myself as you see me and that’s the only way I can think of.”

“Gladly ... Today, I reached for my camera at least a dozen times, then stopped because I was afraid I’d make you feel uncomfortable.”

“I hope you’re not talking about the time I was squatting behind that bush, peeing.”

“You may hate me for this - but I did get five or six of you before you pulled your jeans up and came back to the horses where I stood with my back turned.”

“DID YOU REALLY?”

“Yes, but I’ll delete them from the card.”

“NOOooo! I mean - I want to see them! I have never peed behind a bush out in the country or anywhere else. I was thinking the whole time, what if there was someone hiding in the bushes, taking my pics as I peed forever. I swear, I held it as long as I could, until it was either tell you I need to pee, or pee on myself...