Chapter 7: Substitution?

June 9, 1983, McKinley, Ohio

"Unbelievable," Milena sighed as she snuggled close.

We were sitting very close together in bed, leaning against pillows which were against the wall, the sheet pulled up only to our thighs, and wine glasses in our hands.

"What?" I asked.

"That something so gentle and so slow could make me feel better than a night of crazy sex."

"Isn't that what happened with Joel?" I asked. "You told me that mostly it was just making love, then talking for hours."

"But we're not in love!" Milena protested.

"Which doesn't mean we can't love each other, does it? Being tender and caring isn't exclusive to being a boyfriend."

"I never really thought about it that way. It was either making love with someone I was deathly in love with or fucking. But how can we make love this way without being in love? It makes no sense to me!"

"Not to be a jerk about it, but when was the last time you tried?"

"Before tonight? With Joel. Last Friday was, well, different."

"At least partly because Deb was in the room. But also because you weren't quite ready for that. Tonight, you were."

"I wonder what might have happened had we met six or seven years ago..."

"I don't think the thirteen-year-old me was anything like the twenty-year-old me!"

Milena laughed, "Sorry, I didn't even think about that. Since Friday, I've felt you were my age for some odd reason."

"Your ancient, advanced age of twenty-four?" I chuckled. "You're my 'older woman'!"

"Don't be a jerk!"

"Well, you aren't QUITE my Mrs. Robinson; your mom, on the other hand..."

"Derek wouldn't care..."

"No, but you would."

"And that matters to you?"

"Of course it does! Why would I hurt you that way? Just to add a notch to my bedpost? That makes no sense at all!"

"You know I share everything with her, right?"

I smiled wryly and nodded, "I assumed."

"And you're OK with that?"

"I share everything with Clarissa."

"I suppose, given how close you are, that shouldn't surprise me. Was I good?"

I chuckled, "That question didn't even come up in our conversation. I suspect it did with your mom on Saturday."

"It did."

"Separate scores on artistic and technical merit?" I grinned. "And the East Bloc judges rate competitors from NATO countries lower?"

"What I said to my mom doesn't matter. I can't really compare you to anyone except Joel, and that comparison just feels wrong, you know?"

"I do. I AM curious, though, given your experience."

"Do you think I'm a slut?"

"I think the only person who can make that judgment is you. But let me put it this way: in different circumstances, I wouldn't reject you because of the number of partners you've had. It wouldn't be relevant so long as you kept your word to me and remained faithful."

"You could basically forgive me having scores of sex partners, but you can't forgive yourself for mistakes you made because you're young? Come on, Mike!"

"I know," I sighed. "So?"

Milena laughed, "Are you THAT worried?"

"Believe it or not, it's not worry, but curiosity."

"Conventional, but very good."

"Conventional?" I smirked. "How many guys have you kissed with their semen in your mouth?"

"I'll answer if you ask that question the RIGHT way."

I shook my head, but I was grinning, "Fine. How many guys have let you kiss them with their cum in your mouth?"

"Three or four. Joel was one of them. As I said, Joel and I did anything you can think of after he told me he was moving, and maybe even some stuff you can't think of. And now I wonder if that was why he never wrote back."

"You mean because it became just sex?"

"I've come to the conclusion, after thinking about it for the last few days, that what we did ruined everything. It made what had been beautiful and special into something base and common. I think maybe he was embarrassed or even disgusted by it."

"It sounds as if you need to forgive yourself just as much as I do."

"Maybe we can help each other?"

"Maybe," I agreed.

June 11, 1983, McKinley, Ohio

On Saturday morning, I was up at dawn, prayed, showered, and went down to the lobby to wait for Tasha, who arrived about ten minutes after I got downstairs. She greeted me with a chaste hug, and I laughed softly.

"You may kiss me, Natalya Vasilyevna! I'm not wearing my cassock!"

"And you may kiss me as soon as I'm not wearing my sundress!"

"On our third date?" I asked.

"We've gone out MANY times!"

"We agreed we're starting over, and this is only our third date after I confronted your dad. But the promise you asked me to make does NOT go away! Now, would you like a kiss? Or should we just head straight to breakfast?"

Tasha pouted briefly but then presented her lips for a soft kiss. I broke it after a few seconds, then took her hand and led her off campus. We walked to the diner, were seated in a booth, and ordered hot tea. The waitress returned a few minutes later with hot water and tea bags, and we placed our orders.

"What did you want to do today?" I asked.

Tasha laughed softly, "Well..."

"Besides that!"

"Honestly, I came to spend time with you. I assumed we go to Vespers tonight."

"Yes. We'll need to give Angie a ride."

"How is she?"

"She seems to be doing OK. We're running together on weekdays, we go to karate together, and I give her rides to church."

"Do you have other friends here?"

"My guitar teacher, her boyfriend, and her daughter, who I sing with occasionally. My sister and her friends came to visit last weekend, and other friends will visit over the Summer. I talk to you and Clarissa regularly, too. How are things with your dad?"

"About as good as can be expected. He's not happy with our assertion of freedom, but Mom is totally on our side. As she pointed out, if he wants me to marry you, he has to let me see you! She's said several times that locking me away would defeat his entire purpose if he wanted grandchildren, which he does."

I chuckled, "Yes, he does. His concern is having a grandchild BEFORE the wedding. Or even practicing!"

Tasha laughed, "He's VERY afraid we'll practice! Do you want to know what my mom said?"

"What?"

"That she trusted you to keep me from becoming a bad girl!" Tasha laughed.

"Seriously?"

"I'll tell you a secret, but you must NEVER, EVER repeat it."

"OK."

"Mom had the exact same feelings. That's why she relentlessly pursued my dad. In those days, no proper girl would ever consider doing anything more than perhaps a 'good night' kiss, if even that. Mom wanted to have sex, so she took the only reasonable path available to her to get it! Dad certainly wouldn't have done anything like that, either."

"But she thinks you might?"

"Do you know ANY «бабушка» (babushka) who doesn't understand the world has changed from when they were younger? Especially the actual grandmothers."

"No, I don't. They know, which is why they try to create couples as soon as possible so that when the urges become overpowering, the guy and girl are already basically committed."

"I wouldn't have minded at all being married at fifteen, you know," Tasha said quietly.

"But now?" I prompted.

"I think I understand why it's not such a good idea, even if the goal is laudable. May I say something without upsetting you?"

I nodded, knowing what she was going to say before she even said it.

"If we HAD married, you would only have ever been with me, which is what I had always thought would happen," she continued, then sighed deeply. "But it's too late to do anything about that now."

"Does that change things?"

Tasha smiled and shook her head, "No. It's simply one of those unfortunate things I can't control. Maybe if my dad hadn't been so strict and had allowed us to date properly once I turned fifteen, things might have been different. Well, assuming I could have convinced you to ask me out!"

"I don't think convincing was the issue," I grinned. "It was overcoming sheer terror!"

"You're so silly! Why were you so afraid of me?"

"Because you were, and are, the most beautiful girl I know, and I was afraid you would laugh at me if I asked you out."

"You thought I would be that mean?"

I shook my head, "Not mean, just not interested, and the laugh would be because I was so foolish to think you might be!"

"But now you know better."

"Yes. Has your dad let up on Sasha?"

"A tiny, tiny bit. She's allowed to hang out with her friends Larisa, Valerie, and Anastasia. But he told Jake's dad that if he caught Jake with Sasha, he'd have Jake arrested because Sasha is fifteen and Jake is eighteen."

"Does Sasha want to see him?"

"She does, but I think that now it's only because my dad forbade it. I think at some point she'll make a very big mistake just to spite my dad."

"And you?"

She leaned across the table and looked directly into my eyes.

"I've wanted to make love with you since the first moment I knew what it was, and I still do. What my dad thinks is his problem, not mine. The things we've done, which isn't much, we've done because I wanted to, not because he told me I couldn't."

"So it's just sex, then," I grinned.

"Is that what it would be to you, Mikhail Petrovich? I would simply be a warm body to use to gain pleasure?"

"Never," I replied. "And that's a very important reason to keep my word to you."

"May I ask who else you're dating?"

"You may ask. I'm not dating anyone. I haven't spoken to Janey since the morning before I confronted your dad. Katy and I broke up in February because she decided to go to Stanford. Melody and I broke up last Summer, and we're friends, but that's it. And you know Angie and I never dated, and given what's happened, I have no intention of asking her out."

"And there are no other girls?"

"Who I'm dating the way you mean? No. There are girls I spend time with, especially Clarissa, but obviously, I can't date her. And you know about the others in my study group — Sandy, Sophia, and Kristin. Well, and Robby and Lee, obviously."

"Perhaps you would date one of them?" Tasha smirked just as the waitress brought our food.

"About as soon as you date Clarissa," I replied once the waitress walked away.

"Sophia is the Greek girl, right?"

I nodded, "But she has no interest at all in marrying a doctor, even though she's going to be one!"

"Why?"

"Because it's hard enough to be married to a doctor in general, and being a doctor only makes it worse, at least in her mind."

"I'm very curious how you managed to have half your friends be homosexuals."

"Robby and Lee were friends with Sophia in High School, and she wanted to join our 'doctor' group — Clarissa, Sandy, and me. Robby and Lee are studying biochemistry, so they fit right in. As for Clarissa, she wanted to study with the best student in the school, so she asked me to form a study group."

"We're not TOO full of ourselves, are we?" Tasha smirked, taking a bite of her bacon.

"Clarissa and I are the top two students in the incoming Junior class, and according to our professors, we're the best overall as well. Our goal is to keep it that way!"

"Which helps you get into the medical school you want to go to. Have you decided?"

I shook my head, "No. Clarissa and I decided we'll wait until next Summer to make our final list."

"So you might go somewhere further away?"

"Possibly, yes. But not TOO far — Indianapolis or Pittsburgh would be the most distant, I think. We want to apply to at least three schools, and we'll visit maybe six or seven if we can. Most likely, Sandy will go to the same school as Clarissa and I do. Did you talk to your mom or dad about junior college?"

"Mom. She agrees with you about it being wise, though she obviously wonders if we'll be able to wait so long!"

"Your mom knows you too well," I chuckled.

"It's funny because we're not all that different, she and I, even though I never realized it until now."

I nodded, "I discovered the same thing about my mom. I think it's because as we get older, they feel more comfortable revealing things about themselves when they were teenagers. Or, they fear that our grandparents and the older people in church will tell us, and they want to mitigate the damage!"

"But my mom didn't do anything bad!" Tasha protested.

"But she admitted her feelings to you because she felt it might help you deal with your own. My mom has done similar things. I think the lesson I've learned, because of what happened with Liz, is that we need to talk to our kids earlier — when they're maybe twelve or thirteen — and let them know we were once teenagers who faced the same kinds of challenges."

"Our kids?" Tasha asked with a silly smile.

"Yes," I said soberly. "Our kids. Your kids and my kids."

"Ha ha," she replied flatly. "Very funny."

"I was just responding to that silly smile of yours! I knew what you were thinking!"

"Perhaps," she replied impishly.

We finished our breakfast, then decided to go for a drive in the rolling hills east of McKinley. We returned in time for lunch with Angie. After lunch, because we couldn't go to my room, we hung out in the student union, where we drank coffee and listened to background music while we talked.

After an early dinner, Tasha, Angie, and I headed to Saint Michael the Archangel for Vespers. After the service, we drove back to campus, where Tasha and I exchanged a soft kiss and a nice hug before she got in her mom's car to drive home.

"Doing anything this evening?" Angie asked.

"No. Want to hang out?"

She smiled, nodded, and we walked back to the dorm.

June 14, 1983, McKinley, Ohio

"Hi, Mike!" Paula said when she came into the Quick Mart on Tuesday morning.

"Hi, Paula! How have you been?"

"Pretty good. The new job lets me save a bit. I'm hoping to move out of my mom's house by the end of the year. I could use a roommate!"

I grinned, "Instant family; just add ring?"

"Not exactly the best marketing line, is it? Though it might have some interesting benefits!"

I chuckled, "Perhaps. But as a twenty-year-old pre-med student, I don't have much to offer. How is your daughter?"

"She's growing like a weed! I'm lucky my grandma can watch her."

"Same as for my sister and me — my grandmother watched us once my mom went back to work, but it wasn't until Liz started going to kindergarten. Where are you working?"

"I work at Ashe Accounting, which is on Main, just past City Hall. If you ever get bored and are looking for something to do, give me a call."

"I'm sure you'll stop in here again, too."

"Sure. I need to run. See you!"

"Later," I agreed.

She left just as Nancy was coming in for her shift. Mr. Sokolov said 'goodbye' and headed out.

"Are we ever going to talk?" Nancy asked.

"We have talked. I told you how I feel about what happened."

"And we can never recover from that?"

"I don't want to get into a debate at work, but it comes down to trust, which is what I told you when we talked before. And honestly, given YOUR trust issues with men when we first started dating, I'm shocked you can't relate."

Nancy looked down but said nothing and moved behind the counter where the registers were. I went to the back and checked the list of scheduled deliveries and made sure the stock room was ready to receive them. I mostly avoided the front of the store except when Nancy went on break because I really didn't think there was anything to talk about, nor any real future of any kind with her. Even trying to be her friend was fraught with danger because of the hints I had about her feelings.

When my shift ended, I headed straight to Doctor Blahnik's house to spend the afternoon with Milena.

"We have the house to ourselves," she said when she let me in.

"You sound like a High School girl inviting her boyfriend in!"

Milena laughed, "You know I didn't have to sneak around for that! But Mom and Derek are in Pittsburgh until tomorrow. I could make you dinner if you want."

I nodded, "Sure."

"I know what we can do for a couple of hours! Come on!"

She led me upstairs to her room, which had its own private bathroom with a giant tub which was filled with warm water to which bubble bath had been added.

"Shall we?" she asked.

I nodded, and we stripped off our clothes and climbed into the tub. Milena sat between my legs and leaned back against me, and I wrapped my arms around her.

"Awesome," she sighed. "How was your day?"

"I agree this is awesome," I replied. "And my day was OK. There isn't too much exciting that happens at the Quick Mart! I did get propositioned, though."

"Oh?"

"A girl who used to work there. She's a single mom about my age. She's flirted with me since the first time I met her not long after I first arrived in McKinley."

"You told me about a girl like that back home the other night."