Chapter 77: A First Date

April 5, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

Students from all over campus came up to shake my hand, pat my back, or offer thanks. When Clarissa and I, and our close friends, left the auditorium, we were confronted by Reverend Saddler.

"I've never seen a more disgusting performance by an alleged clergyman in my life!" he declared.

I shrugged, "'Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you'."

"That is no license to condone sin! Talk about perverse!"

"How about 'he who is without sin, let him cast the first stone'? Are you claiming to be sinless?"

"That does not relieve my obligation to state the truth!"

"No, it doesn't. But it does call into question your personal attacks on me. I made no theological statements; I simply said that adults are free to behave as they please within the law. And I provided examples of how the policy is already self-contradictory and unenforceable. According to the ACLU, it's also unconstitutional for a state school. If you want to have those rules passed in private schools, I'm sure you could. But this isn't a Christian school."

"This is a Christian nation!" he protested.

"Really? Whose version of Christianity, Reverend? Yours? Mine? The Pope's?"

"Certainly not yours or the Pope's! The Bible tells us quite clearly what the truth of Christianity is."

"And you, all by yourself, can figure that out?"

"I don't need a pope or bishop or anyone else to explain to me what is very clear."

"And the Methodist Church down the street, which disagrees with you? And the Lutheran one just north of town? Are they all wrong, and only you are right?"

"It's easy to fall into error!"

"I'll say," I replied with a smile and began walking away.

"'Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God'."

I turned, "'Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God'. We could go on all afternoon, Reverend, but you won't listen to the Scriptures as they've been understood for nearly 2,000 years because you've chosen to substitute your personal interpretation for that of the Church. As it is written, 'there are none so blind as those who will not see'."

I turned, ignoring the harangue which followed me out the doors of the building. We hurried back to Rickenbacker and, once we were inside, went up the elevators in four groups, gathering again in the lounge on the eighth floor.

"What do you think, Mel?" Marie asked.

"The Board of Regents will likely approve the petition. They're on shaky legal ground, and my uncle says any attempt to try to rewrite the rules to prevent same-sex couples from rooming together would require the university to ask about sexual orientation, and that would lead to all kinds of lawsuits, which they probably would lose in the long run. The threat of the RA rebellion is huge, too. There is no way they could replace all of them for this semester with so little time left, and that would leave them in a world of hurt. Not to mention having to find rooms for the current RAs before moving them out of the RA rooms."

"I see Doctor Edwards is still on her 'students are children' kick," Jeannette said.

"Fortunately, what happened to Dean Parker has kept that thinking from spreading too far," Melody replied, "but there were hints of it in what others said. They just knew this was a losing proposition for them and an invitation to a long, expensive, and embarrassing lawsuit if they don't change the policy in SOME way. And the letter from my uncle made it clear that any attempt to inquire about, or interfere with, student sexual orientation would be met with an immediate civil rights suit."

"Nice way to shut down that idiot charlatan, Mike," Marie said.

I shook my head, "He's not shut down. He didn't hear a word I said because he doesn't want to. It won't surprise me if he confronts me again, but honestly, I'll likely just walk away as I did tonight. He's not going to listen."

"But would you listen to him?" Melody asked.

"I'd be happy to discuss things with him, and honestly, if he could show me where I'm wrong, I'd have to seriously consider his position. The thing is, after nearly 2,000 years, the Orthodox Church has heard it ALL. There is, truly, nothing new under the Sun. Every error has been made before and has been addressed before. I suppose somebody could come up with something entirely novel, like Mormonism, but even THAT is a heresy which was addressed, albeit in a somewhat different form.

"And I do want to make a point about heresy — technically, only someone who was Orthodox at some point could be called a heretic because the word basically implies teaching something erroneous and causing division in the Church. We'd call someone like Reverend Saddler 'heterodox', meaning 'different worship' or 'different glory', as opposed to 'orthodox', meaning 'proper worship' or, literally, 'straight glory'. Being in error, having never been in the Church, does not make one a heretic, even if one is teaching 'heretical', or better 'heterodox' theology."

"That almost seems like a distinction without a difference," Jeannette replied.

"It's important, though," I replied. "I can tell you where the Church IS, but I can't tell you where it ISN'T. In other words, I know the Church is found in the Orthodox people together with their bishop. But I can't tell you anything about any other place because I don't have the mind of God.

"It's similar to the reason we practice what's called 'apophatic' theology — the theology of negation. That is, it is far safer to say what God is not than what God is because saying what He is circumscribes that which cannot be circumscribed. And just to show you that we're completely nuts, at Nativity, we say that Mary's womb contained that which the universe cannot contain — God."

"You said it, not me!" Jeannette laughed.

"That is a great mystery for which I have no answer. The statements cannot both be true if we apply logic and yet, both are completely true, with no attempts at wiggling. It's not the only mystery by any stretch."

"Schrödinger's cat?" she asked.

"A silly «Gedankenexperiment»," I replied. "It was meant to make a point about the paradoxical nature of certain aspects of quantum mechanics. And the concept applies to what I said — a paradox. And, as we learned, a paradox is a statement that, despite apparently valid reasoning from true premises, leads to an apparently self-contradictory or logically unacceptable conclusion. And that does perfectly describe my comment about Mary having Jesus in her womb, being fully God and fully man."

"Part of me hopes that moron DOES confront you, Mike. You'll blow his mind!"

I shook my head, "He'll write me off as a false Christian, or whatever he might call it, and ignore anything I have to say. He'll quote the Scriptures at me and ignore when I counter with other Scriptures, claiming I'm proof-texting or misinterpreting, ignoring the fact that the exact same claim could be made about him and probably could be made to stick. When you're part of the Church, which collected and preserved the Scriptures, you have a distinct advantage because, once again, the Church has heard it ALL and has solid, Scriptural answers. And by not taking every single word literally, we don't find any contradictions."

"You really should have raised the Charlie Fox issue!" Sandy said.

I shook my head, "I'd rather forget that even happened, and I know his victims were there today. And tarring Reverend Saddler with that is no different from what he tried to do with me. All he saw was me eating with publicans and sinners, and he couldn't remember enough of his Bible to know that's exactly where I'm supposed to be! And everyone here knows I'm a sinner because I know I am. I think there's a legitimate question as to whether the good Reverend knows he is."

"In his mind, you're reprobate, and he's saved," Robby said. "I've heard it before from the Church we went to when I was little. I suspect he'd have a cow if he knew your pastor welcomed us with open arms despite us being 'sexual deviants'."

"That man needs a bit of sexual deviance to open his eyes!" Melody declared. "A 'Misty Beethoven' experience would do!"

"A what?" I asked, to laughter from Robby, Lee, Sophia, and a few others.

Melody laughed, "Still an innocent after three years here? We'll have to do something about that!"

I chuckled, "Do I want to know?"

"Probably not! But as a physician, you should. It's a girl doing a guy in the butt with a strap-on."

"OK, then," I chuckled. "Pass."

The entire group exploded in laughter.

"Coward!" she teased.

"Nah, forget that!" Robby declared. "The real thing is WAY better!"

More laughter.

"I have a lifetime contract to play for the team I'm on," I grinned. "I have zero interest in Free Agency, and I have an ironclad 'no trade' clause!"

More laughter.

"If only the Reverend could hear THIS conversation," Marie smirked. "He'd have a stroke, and we wouldn't have to worry about him ever again!"

"What day do the Regents meet, Melody?" Sophia asked.

"Tuesday evening. Technically, it's an open meeting, but mostly nobody goes. I think it would be a bad idea to show up in force because I believe we've won. We won because nobody in Student Government could say ANYTHING about Mike that was negative without causing themselves a significant credibility problem with the others. That's why Doctor Edwards farmed out her attack on Mike to the Reverend. After that, it was all about twenty-two-year-olds still being babies, basically."

"Doctor Edwards didn't go quite that far," I said. "And her point about our brains continuing to develop into our early twenties matches what we learned in psychology. That said, I disagree with the kinds of controls she and Dean Parker, if she were here, want to put in place."

"Rumor has it she's going to be reinstated once you leave the university," Melody said.

"That," I replied, "will have to be somebody else's problem."

April 6, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

"I'm glad you asked me out," Laura said as we headed to Frisch's for a meal.

"I don't think we'll go bowling," I replied.

Laura laughed, "The alley is open; the Health Department closed down the kitchen. There were four other cases, according to what the doctor said this morning at my checkup."

"I also think we should just have dinner, see the movie, and then spend time talking."

"Interesting. Why?"

"I very much appreciated and enjoyed the 'thank you', but I think we should focus on getting to know each other better. It was one thing to just have a casual fuck or two, but I think it would have something of a different meaning now."

"Because I went from 'piece of ass' to potential spouse?"

"I don't believe I saw you that way, and despite being crude, I suppose, all things being equal, it's not inaccurate for you to put it that way."

"It does solve one other problem," she replied.

"Oh?"

"My period started last night! I was a bit worried how you'd feel about that or how you might react. You know, maybe you would think I was using it as an excuse."

"I wouldn't ask to check," I chuckled. "I'd trust you. And honestly, if we can't have an open discussion about sex, we're not exactly in a good place to have a long-term relationship."

"True. What's your opinion?"

"Of?"

"Periods."

"Well, considering the potential negative implications, very positive!"

Laura laughed, "Good point. The Pill is super effective, but nothing is perfect except not doing it. But in general?"

I shrugged, "A natural biological process that's strictly necessary if we want to have kids. If you're asking if I'm grossed out by menstruation, no, I'm not. If you're asking if I'm comfortable enough in my manhood to buy you pads, we'll have to find out!"

Laura laughed again, "You're too funny! Would you have sex during my period?"

"I've always refrained based on it being messy, but to be honest, it's nothing a shower can't fix. Well, assuming it doesn't stain the sheets beyond repair."

"You're pretty enlightened for a conservative Russian Orthodox guy!"

"I'm glad you didn't meet me three years ago," I replied. "Clarissa and a few others had to engage in a serious construction project to build the guy you see before you."

"But isn't that true of most people? I'm a weirdo in that regard because most people don't become adults until they leave home."

"And how did you become one?"

"My stepdad believes kids need to be taught responsibility starting from birth. He only got hold of me at age six, but he immediately expected me to take responsibility for what I did, and he insisted I have the freedom to do the things I wanted to do. My biological dad freaked out, as he was sure I was going to turn into some kind of sex-crazed drug addict who held up liquor stores to support my coke habit. Obviously, it didn't turn out that way."

"Obviously," I chuckled. "So what does that mean for raising kids?"

"You have to let them manage their own lives as they see fit, providing guidance and making sure they don't venture too close to the edge of the cliff. You have to challenge them and provide them every possible opportunity to excel and succeed while still allowing them to fail and learn from their failures."

"Says the girl who doesn't seem to have failed at ANYTHING."

"Ask me to play the piano or sing if you want to see complete and total failure! Or play tennis!"

"What were you good at besides school?"

"School."

"No athletics?"

"No. I'm mostly too small for anything like that. Bowling is about my limit, and I can only use an eight-pound ball. It makes it tough to score strikes. I'm guessing you used a sixteen?"

"Yes. What about hobbies?"

"I liked to do math problems for fun."

"OK, and I thought I was a nerd! What about chess?"

"I learned to play, and I'm decent. You?"

"I was on the chess team in High School and rated Class 'A', but I don't have time to play or study, so my skills have degraded."

I pulled into the lot at Frisch's and parked. We got out, locked the doors, and then headed inside, where we were quickly seated.

"I gather from how you handled the cafeteria this week you're following the Fast?"

I nodded, "As strictly as I'm able, within the limits of good nutrition."

"Logically, then, if we're eventually going to be a couple, I need to follow your rule, if I understand things correctly."

"Close — for now, you would have your own rule, which you worked out with Father Nicholas. Once we were a couple, we'd have a family rule we worked out with him, which would be adjusted based on my insane schedule and further adjusted when we have kids. You know the drill, right?"

"It's about spiritual discipline, not about strictly following rules from a book. My dad and I have talked about this."

"Does he still go to church?"

"Yes. He and my step-mom are pretty faithful."

"Does everyone get along?"

"You mean my parents and step-parents? Pretty well, yes. My dad and my stepdad crossed swords quite a few times over how I was raised, but my dad relented when he saw how well I was doing in school and that I wasn't getting into any real trouble."

"Do you have any siblings?"

"I have a half-brother and half-sister. I'm pretty sure my mom and stepdad wanted a baby, but one never materialized."

"Beamed in by Mr. Scott?" I chuckled.

"I know the reference, obviously, but I never watched the show. When I was nine or ten and asked about a baby brother or sister, they said the stork got the wrong address. It was just goofing around, obviously, because I knew how babies were made by the time I was seven. I changed my half-brother's diapers and asked my mom about why he had parts that stuck out and why I had parts that went in. She laughed and asked me to think about why that might be. It took about two seconds to figure it out. We had the 'birds and bees' talk then."

"At seven?" I asked, incredulous.

"Why not? It was kind of obvious once I thought about it. I think kids should be told as much as they can handle. I heard some of the dumbest stuff you can imagine from kids who were two years older than me. I was twelve during most of my Freshman year and knew WAY more than most of the fourteen- and fifteen-year-olds. And that was after sex ed in health class during eighth grade, which was basically useless."

"There I'll agree with you. Sex ed is a travesty."

The waitress came to take our orders, and we both ordered salads with Sprite to drink.

"My dad thought it was an outrage, of course. He thought me knowing about it would make me want to do it. I think it's the opposite, really. Once I had the details, and not just 'put penis into vagina, move until ejaculation, repeat until pregnant', I didn't feel the need to experiment. Obviously, part of it was being a lot younger than the kids in my grade, but I never really felt a strong desire to do it. Well, until I saw a certain Russian Orthodox guy singing!"

"You were very patient," I replied.

"And I would say my judgment was sound. I basically had to wait until you were in a position where I could approach you with some reasonable chance of success. The confluence of events led to the perfect opportunity for an effectively risk-free chance at getting together with you. As I said, worst case, I'd come away with a very pleasurable experience."

"And just how did Rebekah Blanchard know THAT was the case?" I asked with a grin.

"Busted," Laura laughed. "That last part was hearsay, which she picked up from another girl or girls. She did NOT give me any specific details, just that you and Kimiko weren't seeing each other, her assessment of you, and the hearsay, which I have to say, in my limited experience, was accurate."

"I take it you're feeling better?"

"The 'scrambled insides' feeling went away after a couple of days. We'll see what happens next time. I hear some girls are very, very uncomfortable or even hurt afterwards, but I guess without a hymen, I missed out on any pain, for which I'm thankful. I just didn't expect, well, Secretariat!"