Chapter 70: Spring Break, Part I

March 3, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

"Decided against it?" Clarissa asked as we walked back to the dorm after saying 'goodbye' to Liz and Violet.

"Ignoring any other concerns, it would have been tacky to leave you and Liz to go fool around. And again, leaving everything else aside, how would Violet feel knowing you and Liz were in the other room."

"Those were your only reasons?" Clarissa asked as we got into the elevator.

"No, but they were sufficient to not consider it."

"And you got to know her, which was one of your major concerns."

"Yes, it was, but I'm still wondering why you think it might be a good idea. It almost seems as if you and Maggie think I need an outlet to keep me from being frustrated; I don't. And that would be true even if Tasha didn't visit on Sundays. And I don't want you thinking you need to do anything in that regard."

"I think it's better to say I don't see any particular harm in it, at least in a general way. As I said, it's obvious you both want to. I'm not saying you should; I'm just saying that there isn't an overriding reason saying you shouldn't."

We stepped out of the elevator on the eighth floor and went into my room.

"Except that it feeds my weakness, which I've been doing my best to control. I know the popular opinion is that so long as both people consent, they're doing nothing wrong, but I'm not so sure about that. In fact, I've never been sure about that. And it's not like I'm talking about being a monk, either. Great Lent starts Monday, and it's supposed to be a time of prayer and reflection, and I really do want to focus on my spiritual side as much as I'm able, given school and our road trip."

"I suppose that makes sense, taking things from your perspective. Will you see her again?"

I smiled, "I'm sure Liz will come to visit, and I'm sure she'll bring Violet with her."

"So you ARE considering it!"

I chuckled, "I've been considering it ever since I had that dream!"

"There was no pool table available at Doctor Blahnik's, and you at least want the chance to fulfill that fantasy."

"Perhaps," I allowed. "But now we need to get ready for church."

"OK. I'll go change and be right back."

She left, and I changed into my black slacks, black T-shirt, and a black shirt, which I usually wore under my cassock, and when Clarissa came back, we headed to church for Vespers. At the church, we went inside, and I said my entrance prayers, and then joined Father Nicholas in the vestry.

"Father, do you remember that next Sunday after liturgy, I'm heading to Gettysburg for Spring Break, and I'll miss the Pre-Sanctified Divine Liturgy on Wednesday evening?"

"I remember. And I have to say, that's not exactly a normal Spring Break destination."

"So you'd rather I went to Florida with my friend Dale, who promised me very friendly companionship from someone he knows at UW-Madison because that was the alternative?!"

"No, of course not!" Father Nicholas said with a laugh. "It was just an observation; you made the wise choice. I assume Clarissa is going with you?"

"Yes."

"You two are basically inseparable. If only she would see her sin, she would, given everything I know, make a perfect wife for you."

I smiled, "I believe I'm aware. May we, just for this moment, set aside church doctrine?"

"Perhaps my office is a better place for this conversation than the vestry. I have time after the service, if you do."

"I do."

We completed our vesting and, at the appointed time, began the Vespers service for Cheesefare Sunday. It would, if I followed the strictest fasting rule, be the last time I ate any animal products, except for fish on certain days when it was permitted. I was going to do my best, but it was very difficult, in the school setting, to avoid things like butter, cheese, and milk. When the service ended, I let Clarissa know I needed to speak with Father Nicholas, and with her blessing, I followed him to his office.

"You believe the secular idea that homosexuality is something which can't be changed?" he asked.

I smiled, "I believe I've been taught that sexual desire, in and of itself, is not a sin. When we let that desire influence our actions in an inappropriate way, that's the sin. The Church has made clear that the only place where that desire may be properly exercised is within the confines of marriage. And we both know my weakness in that area. I think, as I see it, Clarissa has desires which are, for her, natural. They become sinful if and when she acts on them, as I just said about myself.

"I honestly can't tell you what it is about Clarissa that causes her to feel that way, but I can tell you she didn't just decide she was attracted to girls rather than boys. It's something she's always known. I'd say it's the same for me, too. I didn't decide one day I liked girls; I always have. And I can't tell you why any more than Clarissa could tell you why she feels the way she does. She and I have talked about it, and she's been unable to articulate it.

"But it's more complicated because she and I are as close as we are. She comes to church with me regularly, and whatever else might be true, she feels at peace when she's here. She hasn't pushed back on anything I've taught her, either directly or indirectly, about our faith, and usually agrees with what I've said. Well, with one major exception, which ought to be obvious. The refrain I hear from her is the same as I hear from many others — that they've never encountered the kind of Christianity I'm living and professing.

"I think, in the end, that's all I can do. I don't believe I can change Clarissa's desires in that regard. And lest you think I'm denying God's ability to work on her heart, I'm not. Something could change. I'm not expecting it to, but it could. And if it does, then she will come talk to you about what she'd need to do to become Orthodox."

"I haven't seen her, uhm, friend recently."

"They broke up because Glenda is going to Chicago fo her post-graduate work, and Clarissa and I are obviously staying here for one more year, but also plan to apply to McKinley Medical School."

"Do you pray for Clarissa?"

I nodded, "Every morning and evening. The same prayer I pray for myself — 'Lord have mercy'."

"Don't you feel, at least somewhat, that you are defending and protecting her sin?"

"And mine, too, Father, if you want to look at it that way. And honestly, I'm much more concerned about my own weaknesses and failings than those of anyone else."

"And that is very healthy and defensible spiritual thinking, but as a clergyman, you do have obligations to speak the truth in love."

I nodded, "Do you think I've been remiss? Clarissa knows, quite well, the doctrines of the Church in this regard. Should I browbeat her and refuse to associate with her? Or should I love her? Which of those would be more effective? I learned the lesson of the Publican and the Pharisee when I was little, and I remember the accusations against Jesus for eating with 'Republicans and sinners'."

Father Nicholas laughed, "You aren't the first to have misheard it that way when you were little!"

I nodded, "I think I was six or seven when I repeated the verse that way and I'm pretty sure my mom laughed for days."

"I think your approach is right, but you do need to be careful about appearing to give sanction to that kind of relationship."

"A fine line I need to walk," I replied. "But as we discussed, my friends Robby and Lee come to church about once a month, and who knows what might happen down the road. I think this year you'll see perhaps a dozen friends for various Holy Week services."

"And so long as they behave with proper decorum, they are welcome. I know we're not in confession, but we can treat this as such, and I'll do your absolution in the morning. How are you dealing with your struggles?"

"I suppose the best way to answer that is to say that I'm finding it easier to resist temptation, but I'm not always successful."

Father Nicholas smiled, "That is a succinct description of a proper Christian life. How are you doing in other areas?"

"I think we can safely say we know the area on which to focus my efforts. There are small failings here and there, but nothing I would call a pattern to be concerned about. Father Herman once told me that coming with a list defeated the entire purpose of confession, which is about the healing of the soul."

"I tend to agree, so long as you aren't using one sin to cover another."

"I don't think that's the case. I know I'm far from perfection, but my reputation as something of a 'goody-two-shoes' seems well-earned."

"That is not a bad thing, Subdeacon!"

"I didn't say it was! I've basically kept out of trouble with a few serious exceptions, and those basically revolved around everything that happened to my sister and then the dean who had it in for me as a proxy for others she couldn't find a way to defeat."

"We discussed those in previous confessions, so there is no need to rehash old news, so to speak. Enjoy your vacation during Spring Break, and don't let me forget absolution in the morning."

"I won't. And thank you."

I received his blessing and then left his office. I found Clarissa standing quietly in the nave, and the two of us headed out to my car for the drive back to Taft.

"Care to share?"

"There isn't really much to share. I mentioned we're going to Gettysburg during Spring Break, and Father Nicholas commented on how much time you and I spend together. You'll never guess what HE suggested!"

Clarissa laughed softly, "The same as everyone — if I were straight, we'd be a perfect couple."

"Pretty much."

"And he gave you the task of converting me?"

"We had a discussion about the true nature of sin with regard to sex, and because my views line up with those of the Church, and I refuse to be a hypocrite, he couldn't really do that."

"But that is his opinion, isn't it?"

"I suspect so, and to someone other than me, he might make that argument."

"But not with you?"

"No, and not because I'm special in some way, but because I'm being honest with him, acting within the teaching of the Church, and acting in humility. Sometimes, it might not sound like it, but even when I'm making my points, it's not about me but about the Church. And you know my views on myself."

"Sinner in the hands of an angry God?"

"Quite the opposite — a sinner in the hands of a loving God. If it were the former, I'd have no hope. But because it's the latter, I do. And so do you. And so does everyone. God casts no one into hell. We go there voluntarily when we elect not to love God. And, if there is one thing in my life I cannot do, it's fail to love God."

March 11, 1984, McKinley and Marietta, Ohio

"Hi, Jos!" I exclaimed when she arrived on Sunday afternoon.

"OK to leave my car in the campus lot?"

"Yes. I have a temporary parking pass we can put in the window of your car if you want. Or we can take your car because it's roomier."

"That actually might not be a bad idea. I can't sit in the back of your car, and I don't want Clarissa to be stuck in the back seat. Where is she?"

"Picking up some traveling supplies at the Quick Mart. She should be back any minute now. I have our bags, so we can just put them in your car. We'll probably run into her outside."

"Is the dorm closed?"

"Officially at noon, but as an RA, I can get in. Shall we go?"

Jocelyn nodded, and I picked up the three bags at my feet. We walked out to her car, running into Clarissa as I'd suspected we would. She and Jocelyn greeted each other, and then we walked to Jocelyn's car.

"You should drive, Mike," Jocelyn said, handing me the keys to her relatively new Ford Tempo GL.

"Did you get a manual transmission just for me?" I asked with a grin.

"I loved the few times you let me drive your Mustang, and when my dad and I were at the Ford dealer, they had this one on the lot. I knew how to drive a manual because you taught me, so Dad was cool with it."

"Mike taught you to play with his stick ... shift?" Clarissa teased.

"Did he tell you about our first time?" Jocelyn asked impishly. "More like I taught HIM!"

"Somebody remind me why I decided to go on a road trip with two women?"

"Because you love us!" Jocelyn declared.

"What she said!" Clarissa added.

We got into the car, and I handed Jocelyn the map on which I'd marked our route.

"Lunch, then US 23 south to US 52?" she asked.

"Yes," I agreed. "A nice drive along the Ohio River. It's indirect, but we're in no hurry."

"Then Ohio 7 to US 22, which takes us to Pittsburgh, then US 30 to Gettysburg. No interstates."

"Exactly. We'll have three full days, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, in Gettysburg, and be back in McKiley on Saturday, which lets you get back to Purdue on Sunday as planned."

I started the car and backed out of the parking spot, then pulled out of the parking lot, heading for US 23.

"Where do you have reservations?" Jocelyn asked.

"In Marietta for tonight, and Gettysburg for tomorrow night. On the return trip, in Marietta for Friday night. I want to be able to take our time driving along the river and stop as often as you need. I basically broke the eight hours of driving into two days."

"How many rooms?"

"Clarissa and I discussed that, and we decided on two. We had thought about one with double beds, but she pointed out you might like some privacy with me."

"Might?" Jocelyn asked with a smirk. "Are we sharing, Clarissa?"

"If you don't mind. I've kind of gotten used to sleeping with Mike most nights of the week."

"But you two haven't..."

"No, we haven't. I guess it's not too far off from when you and Mike slept together after your accident before you were cleared to resume your regular nocturnal activities!"

Jocelyn laughed, "It's not limited to nighttime!"

"Again, remind me why I'm traveling with you two?" I asked with a theatrical sigh.

"Well, unless I miss my guess," Clarissa said from the back seat, "great sex with Jocelyn and cuddling with me!"

"Who said it's great?" I asked, getting a hard smack in the arm from Jocelyn in response.

"Maybe we should cut him a little slack," Clarissa said.

"Maybe," Jocelyn agreed.

We had lunch at Frisch's and then began the first real leg of our journey, which involved driving south to the banks of the Ohio River. I drove at a leisurely pace, just making the speed limit, which led to many, many cars passing us.

"You push that pedal under your right foot to go faster," Jocelyn prompted after three cars passed us in quick succession.

"YOU certainly do! I have zero speeding tickets, Miss Leadfoot, and I'm in no hurry! There are plenty of places where cars can pass, so it's not like I'm holding up traffic. Not to mention, YOU asked ME to drive! This is where I actually wish I had one of those old touring cars, you know, a big Packard from the 20s or 30s."

"Those had huge engines and you'd probably drive them like a Japanese compact car."

"He prefers compact Japanese girls!" Clarissa teased.

"Here we go again," I sighed.

"Oh, stop, Petrovich!"

"Are you still seeing her?" Jocelyn asked.

"She's part of our group," I replied. "We spend some time together, but not nearly as much as before. Once she realized she wanted to return to Japan, we knew that we'd be good friends, but there was no chance of any kind of relationship beyond that. And it wasn't for lack of trying on either of our parts. In the end, she's too Japanese to live here permanently."

"Are you basically in a holding pattern, as we discussed a couple of weeks ago?"

"I suppose that's the best way to put it. Things will change significantly in June when you, Tasha, and Maggie are all here. Still planning to leave a trail of broken hearts at Taft?"

"That probably isn't my best option. Are any of the guys in your group unattached?"

"Not in the main group, but in the peripheral group, yes. And I'm sure you'll meet some guys in your poli-sci courses. Are you going to join student government?"

"I'd like to."

"Then you should talk to Melody. She's very involved. She's also pre-law."

"Most of your friends are in the sciences, right?"

"Yes, though Clark and Larry are in economics and history, respectively, Marie is English Lit, and Jeannette is sociology."

"Clarissa, how are we dividing time?"

"Alternate nights? Does that work for you?"

"It does."

"Unless you want to share!" Clarissa teased.

"In Mike's dreams!"

"That's not his fantasy! His involves the pool table."

"An Insatiable fantasy?" Jocelyn asked.

"That's the movie?" Clarissa asked.

"Yes. It's all the talk on campus at Purdue."

"Have you seen it?"

"No, but I've heard about it. One of the girls who saw it told me there's a guy who's impossibly big."

"Camera tricks?" I asked.

"Apparently not. The guy has some kind of reputation as being huge, even bigger than you. But Mike's fantasy was independent of that unless he's holding out on me."

"I'm not, and I have no interest in seeing that or any other pornographic movie."

"You'd rather participate than watch?" Jocelyn asked with a smirk.

"By a longshot! And to be honest, I have zero interest in watching."

I turned up the music a bit and we rode, mostly without talking, to Portsmouth, where US 23 met Ohio 7. That was where we made our first stop so Jocelyn could stretch. Marietta was about three-and-a-half hours away, given our need to make stops every hour or so, and we made the drive in a leisurely fashion, arriving at the motel just after 5:00pm, having enjoyed the wonderful drive through the rolling hills along the Ohio River. We checked in with the subterfuge of Mr. and Mrs. Loucks for Jocelyn and me.