Chapter 6: Forgiveness?

June 5, 1983, McKinley, Ohio

My alarm rang on Sunday morning, and when I reached over to shut it off, Milena groaned softly, stretched, and turned to face me, her glorious breasts rubbing against my chest.

"Hi," she said sheepishly.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing! That's just it. Nothing is wrong. I slept naked with a guy, and literally nothing happened except a 'good night' kiss and spooning."

"And you think something should have happened?"

She kissed my nose, "No, not at all. I mean, we can if you want to."

"That would be an excellent way to ruin a perfect night."

Milena laughed softly, "A guy DOESN'T have sex with me and calls it a perfect night which sex would ruin! Unreal."

"It's true, isn't it? You agree with me, don't you?"

"Yes. Joel and I spent a lot of time just like this or cuddled or sitting up the way we did last night on the couch, though naked. It was like baring our bodies helped us bare our souls. And please don't think I'm using you as a substitute for him because I'm not. You're helping me remember what it was like and how to move forward."

I stroked her hair, then rested my hand on her hip.

"I'm glad I can help. I really am. What are you going to do?"

"For now? Talk to you as much as possible. Get your help in figuring out who I really am."

"That's easy," I replied with a soft smile. "A wonderful young woman who lost herself but is on the way to finding herself again."

"If only it were that easy."

"I don't think I'm the best person to guide you," I said carefully.

"Believe it or not, you are," Milena said. "Someone who will listen, who will hold me, and who will be there if I need him. I'm so sorry I tried to use you the way I did."

"But that part WAS fun!" I replied with a silly smile.

"More than fun! It's been a LONG time since I had that much fun, but you know what? It was only possible because we talked beforehand and because you made love to me first."

"I hate to say this, but I need to get up, pray, shower, and dress for church."

"No breakfast, right?"

"Correct. You're welcome to shower here if you want."

"I think I'll head home so you don't have any trouble with Angie."

"I won't, either way."

"Just to be safe. Is it OK to call you or drop by?"

"Always. I don't have a girlfriend who will be upset if you do. When Clarissa is here, she has dibs on cuddling."

"I wondered. I don't mean sex, either. It's just the way you dealt with me; it seemed as if you had experience with an intimate but non-sexual relationship. She's your best friend, right?"

"Yes. Also, this afternoon, my sister and her friends are coming to visit. We'll be at Milton Lake for most of the day, but they have to leave by 9:00pm."

"I'm not sure when I'll come by, but I will."

"Anytime."

We got out of bed, and Milena dressed while I prayed. After my prayers, I got into the shower, quickly washed up, got out, dried off, and wrapped the towel around my waist. Milena and I exchanged a hug, and then I walked her to the door.

"Thanks," she said with a smile.

"You're welcome."

She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, then went out the door. I shut it behind her, then quickly dressed for church. Five minutes later, Angie knocked on the door. I grabbed the bag with my cassock and vestments, and we headed to church for liturgy.

"You spend all your time in the altar, right?" Angie asked as I pulled out of the parking lot.

"Yes. As soon as I arrive, I start preparing, then basically stay in there unless Father Nicholas or Father Deacon Grigory ask me to do something for them. The senior acolyte takes care of filling the oil lamps, and so on."

"Do you think the Malenkovs would mind if I stood with them? Katy and I always got along pretty well."

"I can't imagine they'd have any issues with that."

"So you two are done?"

I shrugged, "Probably because she'll be in California. But at this point, who knows? I thought Janey and I might have a chance at being the real thing, and that went straight down the tubes."

"Not Tasha?"

"I was in love with the IDEA of Tasha, not WITH Tasha. And she was in love with the IDEA of Doctor Mike, not WITH Doctor Mike. We agreed to start over at square one."

"So there's nobody?"

"Pretty much every serious relationship, and every not-so-serious one, fell apart. Except me and Clarissa."

"But she's a lesbian!"

"Which doesn't mean she and I can't have a very intimate, non-sexual relationship. In fact, I plan to have a very, very intimate relationship with her for the rest of our lives."

"And your wife?"

"A different type of intimate relationship. But Clarissa and I are going to medical school together, want to Match together, and want to practice together. And whoever I end up marrying will need to accept my relationship with Clarissa."

"So, a threesome without the crazy sex?" Angie smirked.

"I suppose so," I chuckled.

"How are the rest of the gang?"

"Good. Basically, it's the same as before, plus Kristin, but minus you. We hope you'll come back."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"We had no idea what was going to happen, Ang. We still don't. I'm not prying; I'm just telling you why we wondered what might happen. We weren't even sure you were coming back until you told me when Clarissa and I visited you."

"I wasn't sure I was coming back until a few days before you guys visited. My mom wasn't thrilled, but I needed to get out of the house."

"Join the club. I don't plan on going home, except at Thanksgiving and Christmas, and at Christmas, I'm going skiing in Michigan for a week with Sophia, Robby, and Lee."

"It'll pretty much be like that for me, too; well, minus the skiing trip. I'll be here this Summer and next."

"Before I forget, my sister and her friends are coming to visit this afternoon. We're heading to Milton Lake to hang out. You're welcome to join us if you like."

"I think I'll stay on campus and let you enjoy your time with your sister."

"You won't be intruding, really."

"It's OK, Mike, really. There will be plenty of time for us to talk or hang out or whatever."

"Tasha will be here next Saturday, and she'll join us for Vespers. And then Becky is coming to visit for a few days."

"And here you said, 'no girlfriend'!"

"None of them are my girlfriend at this point, and honestly, I don't know if any of them ever will be."

"You'll pardon me if I don't find that to be a problem, right?" she asked with a slight smile.

Which was EXACTLY what concerned me. I liked Angie a lot, but she'd rebuffed every overture to date and then gone on her long slide into depression, or whatever it was she was being treated for. I didn't want to mislead her, nor did I want to hurt her. I had to say something, but I wasn't quite sure what.

"Ang, it's not quite that simple," I said, temporizing.

"I know. Can I share what my doctor is treating me for?"

"That's up to you," I replied. "But I'll listen, of course."

"Depression, obviously," Angie said, sighing softly. "And my personality inventory showed a slight tendency towards neuroticism. All of that was probably brought on by stuff that happened when I was growing up, some of which I told you."

I wouldn't have called it 'slight', but then again, I wasn't a psychologist and hadn't even taken a serious psychology class as yet. That meant I didn't really know any details about treatment or prognosis, but it also meant I could look into it and confirm anything Angie told me.

"What's the treatment?" I asked.

"For now? Avoid all stimulants or depressants. So, no caffeine and no alcohol, though the Eucharist is OK. Sufficient sleep. Moderate my sugar intake. I can have candy, just not lots of it. Exercise. And my counseling focuses on identifying stressors in my life and doing what I can to minimize them."

I couldn't imagine there was a bigger stressor in her life than me!

"School? Parents? Guys?" I asked.

"All the above. And some others, too. However, I can manage some of the stress from school by studying a bit less and taking more breaks. Honestly, my classes aren't going to be anything like yours in terms of workload. My parents, well, getting out of the house was important. In fact, in terms of stress, that was probably my biggest one. Well, besides relationships.

"My comment before was really based on my counselor telling me not to even think about being in a romantic relationship for the short term. I like you, Mike, but I also know I can't handle a relationship with you or anyone for that matter. My counselor pointed out I was trying to walk a tightrope of being your girlfriend without being your girlfriend, and eventually, I slipped and fell, and my neurotic tendencies drove me to depression.

"I've told you some of the stuff that happened back home, and there's actually a lot more. The weird part is all the bad stuff actually happened to other people. It led me to obsess about bad stuff happening and set up this strange self-feeding state. It's kind of like a 'feedback loop' where the microphones and speakers are in the wrong place, and it gets louder and louder until something breaks. What broke was me."

"And so you need to unplug the input or move the mic or whatever."

"Unplugging would mean drugs, but I didn't want antidepressants because they totally mess you up. So I have to figure out how to adjust the mic, if you will. That's what my counselor has been teaching me to do, and I'll keep working with her."

"I'll help in any way I can," I replied.

"I'll hold you to that!" she laughed.

We arrived at church, and as usual, I immediately went about my business in setting up for the morning services. As was always the case, it was a blur of activity, from ensuring the electric teakettle had water to heat to use for the zeon to ensuring there was sufficient oil in the votive lamps on the altar, to setting out the books Father Nicholas would be using. Fortunately, once Matins started, I could simply stand quietly and pray, with my only actual duty being to prepare the censer and hand it to Father Deacon Grigory at the right time, then take it back from him and hang it on its stand.

There was more to do during the Divine Liturgy, which was highly choreographed, with everyone in the altar performing their tasks, whether it be opening and closing the Deacon's Doors, handling the censer, handing Father Nicholas items he needed, or participating in the various processions which were called 'Entrances'. The only time I was off my feet was during Father Nicholas' homily when I sat on a chair at the side of the nave next to Deacon Grigory.

After Liturgy, Angie and I joined the rest of the congregation for a light lunch. We sat with Katy and her family, and Katy and Angie resumed their friendship, chatting amiably about Katy's impending move to California to attend Stanford. Obviously, she'd be back on breaks, but for all intents and purposes, she'd be in California for most of the next four years.

Angie and I left a bit early so we could get back to campus in time for me to change and get downstairs to meet Liz and her friends, who arrived just after 1:00pm. Because there were five of us, we ended up taking my mom's car, which Liz was driving, to Milton Lake.

"Mike, grab the picnic basket and charcoal from the trunk, please," Liz requested when we parked.

I hopped out of the passenger's seat and went around to the trunk and got the large wicker picnic basket and a small bag of charcoal from the trunk. Liz grabbed the lighter fluid, and Mindy and Emmy grabbed the cooler, while Maggie grabbed a bunch of blankets. Ten minutes later, we had set up in the shade of a large oak tree about a hundred yards from the artificial beach, close to a free-standing grill we'd use to cook our dinner.

The girls quickly removed their shoes, socks, shorts, and T-shirts, and I admired the gorgeous female flesh which was on display, noticing, before banishing the idea, that my sister, in her red bikini, was a total fox. I quickly stripped down to my bathing trunks as well.

"Like what you see?" Liz teased.

"I do," I replied carefully. "Three out of the four ain't bad!"

"Jerk!" Liz laughed.

"That's what brothers are for!" I grinned.

Emmy and Mindy both were wearing bikinis, which showed off their bodies quite nicely, especially Mindy's VERY nice breasts. Maggie had a conservatively cut one-piece, which left a lot to the imagination. And I had a VERY good imagination!

"How are things going?" Mindy asked.

"Pretty good. It's only the second day of being an RA, so other than having my training sessions and meeting the guys I'm responsible for, not much. Summer session is supposedly really calm."

"But the rules are still strict, right?"

"The one you're referring to? Yes. And it's not like it can be ignored because if you don't have a student ID, you can't get into our dorm. And the dorm that's used for the High School kids taking college courses is restricted to just them and very specific people from the administration."

"But we're all over sixteen! That's the legal age!"

"Taft is worried about the 'optics' as my friend Melody calls it — how bad it looks if something bad happens to a sixteen- or seventeen-year-old kid in the dorms. It's why they ban alcohol completely, too. That one is MUCH easier to ignore. And I will, so long as it isn't blatant. I'm still pissed that Congress forced the states to raise the drinking age."

"SO dumb!" Emily groused. "You had to register for the Draft when you turned eighteen, right?"

"Yes, and prove to the school I had so I could qualify for grants and loans."

"So you can get drafted into the military, get sent to some jungle or desert, and get killed, but you can't have a fucking beer? How dumb is THAT?"

"I agree. Basically, if you can vote, you should be able to do anything any other voter is allowed to do. But lots of people don't see it that way. The old guys at our church always let us drink, and wine with meals was a normal thing both at home and at my parents' friends' houses."

"Same here."

"Not us," Maggie added. "We don't drink."

I rolled my eyes, "Jesus drank. No matter what BS someone at your church feeds you, he drank alcohol. AND, if you look at the story of the Wedding at Canna, when he turned water into wine, everyone exclaimed that it was the 'good stuff' and wondered why they had held it back! Usually you served 'good' wine first, and then when people are blotto, you served the marginal stuff.

"It's also the case that nobody knew how to prevent grape juice from fermenting until about 1870. I suspect that was because nobody WANTED to know how! In other words, the stuff you use for your communion, as rarely as you have it, didn't even exist before the 19th century. It was invented for the temperance movement! So there's no way anyone used 'grape juice' before then. Oh, and there's one other VERY important thing you can learn from that story."

"What's that?"

"That to get Jesus to do something, they asked his mom!" I grinned.

"Get out of here!" Maggie laughed. "You can't make theology from one verse!"

"I thought every single word in that book was inspired — literally breathed out by God, and all the authors of the books did was, in effect, take dictation. Not quite the way the Muslims claim for their holy book, but so close as to not make a difference! If that's true, then yes, indeed, I CAN make theology from a single verse! But let's go further — you've read the Revelation to Saint John, right?"

"Yes, of course!"

"In the throne room, the souls under the altar, who are imploring God to act? They're praying. For those who remain on earth. You know, the souls in Heaven praying for the souls on earth."

"You aren't going to win an argument with my brother," Liz laughed. "And you promised not to argue!"

"But he started it when I said we don't drink!"

"I did, Liz," I replied. "Sorry about that."

"Well, if you two want to debate church stuff, the rest of us can go swimming!"

"I did want to talk to Mike some," Maggie said.

Liz rolled her eyes, but she, Emmy, and Mindy got up and headed towards the beach.

"I confused you even more, didn't I?" I asked.

Maggie nodded, "Every single time I talk to you, you pull out some verse which seems to say something different from what I've been taught."

"And if that's the case, shouldn't you wonder about what you've been taught?"

"But who says you're right?"

"That's not the correct question!"

"What do you mean?"

"If I show you verses which disagree with what you were taught, then what you were taught is wrong. At that point, YOU have to decide where and how to find the truth."

"And how do I know who the right teacher is?"

"The one who rightly divides the word. That is, after all, what the Scriptures say. Have I had to jump through any logical hoops? Play any word games? Say that verses don't mean what they say?"

"No."

I shrugged, "To me, that answers the question."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you believe Jesus is your personal savior?"

"Of course not! He's the savior of ALL creation! As one of our theologians said, we sin individually, but we are saved together in the Body of Christ, the Church. That is, after all, what the Scriptures say. The Church is the Body of Christ, of which we are all members. As Paul asks, can the hand say to the foot, 'I have no need of you.'? He's asking a rhetorical question because the answer is plain — we can't be saved 'alone'. There is literally no salvation outside the body of Christ, which is the Church. I'm telling you, what your pastor has taught you, for the most part, is NOT what the Scriptures actually say!"