Chapter 63: A Frightening Situation

January 14, 1984, Loveland, Ohio

On Saturday morning, after breakfast, I'd said 'goodbye' to Clarissa and gotten in my car for the drive to Loveland. The ninety minutes in the car gave me my first real time alone since returning to campus. Clarissa was doing OK, and I'd managed to spend a few hours over the course of the week with Sophia, and had a chance to be the octopus for Kimiko. It was an interesting dynamic because Kimiko and I hadn't been going out as a couple, so to outsiders, it looked as if nothing had changed. Our core group knew things were different, but the Japanese dating style we'd followed made it much, much easier for our group to simply continue as it had before.

Sophia and I were keeping our exploration under wraps, which wasn't difficult, as we'd had a history of being what people thought of as casual lovers, though in reality, it wasn't quite like that. We'd reverted to our previous style of 'comfort' sex, which allowed for very intimate conversation accompanying the very intimate contact. Neither of us was sure where things would lead, but neither of us saw any red flags.

The first week of class had flown by, and our little trio, which consisted of Clarissa, Sandy, and me, agreed, along with Fran, that Molecular Biology was going to be the toughest course, but even that wasn't going to be too bad. Given everything else going on in my life, I was happy for what amounted to an easy semester. Of equal importance, since the departure of my nemesis, Dean Parker, there had been no troubles in the dorm, with the administration, OR with the police.

As I reflected on recent events, I was happy with the trajectory of my life, though there had been a bit of turbulence. My goal for the rest of the semester was to keep things as calm as possible, spend time with my friends, and make it to June when major changes would occur, most importantly, Jocelyn, Tasha, and Maggie moving to McKinley. Mindy would be around as well, though I didn't expect too much interaction with her.

As I neared Saint George Orthodox Church in Loveland, I did my best to clear my mind and prepare for my meeting with Angie. I hadn't seen her since that last fateful morning when she'd disappeared. The venue was perfect because there was very little risk of Angie saying or doing anything inappropriate, and with Father Stephen, Father Nicholas, and Doctor Mercer in attendance, any distress Angie felt could be dealt with on the spot.

When I arrived at the church, I parked, got out of my car, took off my coat, and put on my cassock. I walked into the church and was greeted by Father Stephen. I received his blessing, and we went to his office to talk.

"Subdeacon, thank you for coming."

"You're welcome, Father. Is there anything I should know?"

"Doctor Mercer, the psychologist, said she told you everything she could, so I think I'll leave it at that, but add that Angela is very happy you agreed to see her."

"She was worried I would say 'no'?"

"Yes."

"How does she look?"

"Fine, I think. Before they had her medication in balance, she wasn't doing very well, but once that was resolved, everything returned more or less to normal in terms of externalities."

"If I may ask, how is she doing spiritually?"

"I believe the same thing Doctor Mercer told you — she's troubled."

I nodded, "I can imagine. Is there anything I should avoid?"

"I believe you know that your mere presence might cause some regression in her progress."

"Sadly, yes."

"But this is a necessary step for her to deal with her challenges, Subdeacon. I believe you know how she felt about you and her intense internal struggle."

I nodded, "Yes. To the point where even a completely proper relationship was impossible because of where she knew it would lead if we married. But then, after her first meltdown, the complete opposite."

"You handled all of that very well. There are not many young men who would insist that a girl who wished to go to bed with them wait until marriage."

I nodded, "I'm not sure my willpower is THAT strong, but I did know that doing that would be foolish in the extreme and would likely harm her emotionally."

"If you know your weakness, that is half the battle. Of course, the battle lasts for our entire lives, which is why we encourage marriage as a solution to the temptations of the flesh."

"Something the «съборъ бабушек» (sobor babushki) has impressed on me!"

"Privately, and I will not repeat your answer to anyone without your permission, but are you promised to Natalya Vasilyevna?"

"No. To use an old-fashioned term, I courted her under the watchful eye of her father. But, and only Father Nicholas knows this at the moment, Tasha and I have considered marriage and agreed that our situation is such that I cannot give her what she wants most — a family — for at least six or seven years."

"I can see how having three or four children before you graduate from medical school would be, well, difficult."

"And I also wouldn't be able to give her the personal attention and companionship she needs."

"It sounds as if you two have had a very mature conversation about your relationship. Why not tell her father?"

"It's really up to Tasha, but from her perspective, she wants to move out of the house before she tells him what we've decided. Honestly, we intend to repeat the conversation after her graduation, and perhaps we'll find a way to meet all of our needs, but we both agree the odds are very strongly against that because of the demands of medical school and Residency. The other thing postponing a final decision does is allow me to focus on school and friends."

"Rather than fending off repeated attempts by the matchmakers of the parishes and the Cathedral?"

"Yes," I chuckled.

"They are nothing if not persistent!" he said with a knowing smile.

There was a knock at the door and Father Stephen called out for whomever it was to come in. It was Father Nicholas and Doctor Mercer, who apparently had arrived at the same time. They came into the office, and after greetings and me asking Father Nicholas for his blessing, we all sat down to wait for Angie to arrive, which she did about five minutes later.

"Hi, Angie," I said, standing up.

"Hi, Mike," she replied. "How are you?"

"Good. How about you?"

"Something of a mess, but Doctor Mercer, Doctor Lewis, and Father Stephen have been helping me, and Father Nicholas, too."

"And your family?" I asked.

"They're good. My dad said to say 'hello', and so did Anna."

"Please say 'hello' back for me."

"How is school?"

"Good. Milena and Joel married on New Year's Eve."

"That's cool. How is everyone else?"

"They're all doing well. People ask about you, and I'm glad now I can tell them that I spoke to you."

She smiled, "I miss them, too. Are you still playing your guitar?"

"I am. Doctor Blahnik is teaching me some classical pieces now to go along with my rock-and-roll. José, Milena, and I are going to give some concerts again this semester."

"Cool. Doctor Mercer? Do you think I could speak privately with Mike?"

"Ang," I said quickly. "She's going to ask both you and me what was said, so how about she stays and listens?"

Angie's countenance fell, but then she recovered, "I guess."

"We'll step out, Subdeacon," Father Stephen said.

He and Father Nicholas left the office, closing the door behind them.

"I'm sorry for what I did to you, Mike," Angie said quietly.

"I accept your apology, but I don't feel it's necessary, given what we know now about what happened."

"You mean that I'm crazy?"

Doctor Mercer frowned but kept quiet.

"You are not crazy, Angie. You have a condition which can be treated. You're receiving treatment, and Doctor Mercer says that it's working. Just keep doing what your doctors and Father Stephen ask you to do."

"Will you be my friend?"

"I never stopped being your friend," I replied. "And I really need to apologize to you for my harsh words. I should have known better."

"You just told the truth. I wasn't thinking clearly."

"Maybe so, but I should have done a better job caring for you. Will you accept my apology?"

"Yes," she said with a smile. "I think I'm supposed to go now, right Doctor Mercer?"

"Yes. Is your mom outside?"

"Yes."

"Then go out to see her so I can talk to Mike for a minute."

"Angie," I asked. "Is it OK to call you sometimes to see how you're doing?"

"Yes!" she said, brightening. "I'd like that!"

"Then I will. I'm glad you came to talk to me."

"Me, too!"

She left the office, closing the door behind her. Doctor Mercer waited for a few seconds before speaking.

"Deftly handled all around, Mike. Especially convincing her I could stay in the room."

"What I said was true. I'd have repeated the conversation back to you word-for-word. I figured it was better for you to hear it directly so you could see her body language and mine, too."

"Not much gets past you, does it?" she asked.

"You were just as worried as I was that I'd say something that might set her off or make some comment with the wrong body language that she took the wrong way. I hope I didn't overstep by asking if I could call her?"

"No. Your judgment was correct. I will advise that you don't call too often or talk too long. I gave her a strict time limit today, and she did fine."

"Did she? You won't know until you talk to her and find out how she feels."

"You tell me, if you're so smart!"

I chuckled, "I'm not, but I saw her eyes. And they truly are a window to the soul."

"And your assessment?"

"Something is still missing," I said. "There was a bit of life, but mostly her eyes were almost vacant."

"A side effect of her medication. Mood-altering drugs do exactly that — alter moods. My goal now that she seems to have come through this short meeting is to see if we can reduce her medication and have her deal directly with her condition, or at least try to. It's a long path, Mike. You may not see any real progress for many months or even years. It's a lot of trial and error because every single person is unique, and we need a very individualized treatment protocol."

"So what's next for me?"

"Go back to school and get your undergraduate degree and get into medical school! Call Angie, but I'd say no more than once every three weeks. Don't talk for more than five or six minutes, and do your best to stay away from dangerous topics."

"Which are?"

"Sex and any relationship beyond friendship. If she raises those, I need to hear from you right away, please."

"OK. I can do that. Do you think she will?"

"I don't know. Her medication affects her thinking, obviously, and as we try to wean her from it, some of those thoughts may come back. To be completely honest, I do not know what the normally functioning Angie thinks because I've never met her. Your earliest interactions with her are probably the most authentic. Neurotic tendencies develop over time, and she was functioning quite well for a time."

"So you think if you can completely wean her from the drugs, she'll be back to the point where we exchanged our first and only French kiss?"

"Maybe. None of us can tell you what kind of permanent damage has been done and how her personality has been altered both by her disease and by having to cope with the disease and taking mood-altering medication. If we're successful, there's going to be, in effect, a new Angie."

"I'm sure you realize just how frightening this sounds."

Doctor Mercer nodded, "Mental illness is extremely frightening, both to the person who suffers from it and to their family and friends. In your Residency and practice, you'll have people brought into the ER because they've had some kind of breakdown. Treat their ailments, but make sure you get a consult from a mental health professional. Believe it or not, that may do more to save the patient's life than your medical training."

"Jocelyn," I said.

Doctor Mercer smiled, "The overdose was merely a reaction to the REAL issue — suicidal ideation because she'd lied to you. In her case, though, at least from what you said, it was an acute break. Angie's is different, in that, so far as we can tell, there was no one single incident. That said, there's something missing that neither Doctor Lewis nor I nor the priests have been able to uncover. We don't even know what it is, and we may never know."

"So THEN what?" I asked.

"We manage her condition as best we can in the ways I've described. And the thing is, even if we do find out what it is we're missing, it may not improve things."

"You asked me a pair of questions that revealed your suspicions — either she saw her friend having sex with her brother, or there was a suicide note, and Angie read it and never showed it to anyone."

"You did pay attention!"

"My 'Y' chromosome hasn't removed ALL brain functions!" I chuckled. "Or, as my mom said, my ability to use what passes for a brain in men."

"You're actually a very intelligent, very thoughtful young man. You're also twenty. Those two things are in direct conflict with each other!"

"Tell me about it!" I chuckled.

"Come see me next month sometime, please. We'll have a chat, not an official therapy session. Just call the office and make an appointment that suits you. Saturday mornings are fine."

"Thanks, Doctor Mercer."

"You're welcome! Oh, and I do want to share something else with you."

"What's that?"

A silly smile spread across her face.

"Each captured pawn is worth a kiss; each captured piece is worth an article of clothing; winner receives oral sex from the loser."

Of course, I knew that from speaking to Anna, but I wasn't going to let on. I felt it would be way more fun to tease Doctor Mercer.

"NOW you tell me!" I chuckled. "You couldn't tell me this when it would have done me some good?"

"Of course not! It's safe to tell you now!"

"Let me guess, it was very, very effective."

"It was, and it created more drama than you could possibly imagine."

"Thanks for sharing it with me," I said. "My curiosity is sated."

"You're welcome. See you in February?"

"See you then."

January 14, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

"How is she?" Clarissa asked when I arrived back at Taft.

"Medicated," I replied. "It's like, she's there, but there's no spark. Some things Doctor Mercer said implied that when she had her second meltdown, she basically lost her mind. The problem is, evening out, her mood swings have caused her to lose her personality. Doctor Mercer talked about 'building a new Angie' by weaning her from the drugs and helping her develop coping mechanisms. Doctor Mercer gave the impression she thinks that can happen, but it's a long, arduous process."

"So now what?"

"Angie asked me to be her friend, and no, there were no implications beyond that. Heck, I'm not sure she CAN think beyond simple concepts at the moment. I'm going to call her every three or four weeks just to say 'Hi' and see how she's doing. Doctor Mercer was encouraged by the fact that Angie didn't melt down or have a bad reaction, but I think I was more at risk than Angie was. I told Doctor Mercer the entire experience has been frightening."

"More so than with Jocelyn?"

I nodded slowly, "Jocelyn wasn't mentally ill the way Angie is. You remember how I dealt with Jos, right?"

Clarissa nodded, "You told me later. We weren't as close then as we are now. You about gave her psychologist a stroke."

"True. But I knew Jocelyn well enough to know she'd never take me up on that offer. And if I can share something that might sound weird, I'd say there was WAY more chance Liz would have taken me up on my offer to her than Jos would have my offer to help her kill herself. And the chance that Liz would have done that was asymptotically approaching zero."

"Risky moves in both cases."

"Yes, and from everything I hear and read, you and I will be confronted with situations where the only possible way to help the patient is some risky move. We sort of talked about that when I told you what I was going to say to the bishop. The patient's needs have to outweigh everything else. And if it's in my power to help them, I shouldn't let anything stand in my way."

"So nothing is off limits?"

"Let me ask you a question, Lissa. If the choice is death or violating some rule, and YOU were the patient, what would you want?"

"A good point, but it could cost you your license."

"Will YOUR license be worth letting someone die if you believed you could save their life?"

"That's a hell of a dilemma," she replied. "Think of all the other people you could help in the future."

"Or, the next day, you could get hit head-on by an octogenarian who had a heart attack while behind the wheel."

"Carpe diem?"

"In Scriptural terms, 'Do not worry about tomorrow; each day has enough trouble of its own'."

"This is something we're going to struggle with for years, isn't it?"

"Yes. And you and I need to be each other's sounding boards to make sure we don't do something crazy. There are limits; I just don't think they're where most people would say they are. Are YOU more interested in covering your butt or helping patients?"

"You seem to like it uncovered," Clarissa teased.

"Perhaps. And I believe you said mine was 'cute'. But I was using an idiom!"

"I think you're right. Look at politicians who spend WAY more time covering their butts than actually getting things done for the country."

"I'd rather not," I said, shaking my head. "Politics bores and frustrates me."

"Anything else with Angie?"

"I'm going to see Doctor Mercer next month. She invited me to chat, not as a therapy session. She is WAY more helpful than Doctor Hart. He helped somewhat, but his advice wasn't the best."