Chapter 62: Once More Unto The Breach

January 8, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

"Is it always like that in the morning?" Clarissa asked.

"Pretty often, but it doesn't have the urgency if you will, and it goes away pretty quickly once I get out of bed."

"Do you have ANY control over it?"

"Limited," I chuckled. "It pretty much has a mind of its own."

"That has to be difficult."

"Think standing in the altar, wearing acolytes' vestments, and seeing Tasha walk into church in a sundress."

Clarissa laughed softly, "She is gorgeous!"

"And I hear teenage girls, especially, have their own issues in that regard. You've teased me about them needing to change their panties!"

"Our health teacher pointed out that the most common reason girls experience discomfort their first time is inadequate foreplay and nerves. Nature provides more than sufficient lubrication IF you take advantage of it. Of course, when girls hit menopause, things tend to dry out."

"I'm in serious need of gynecology training," I said, "and I don't mean that in the usual piggish sense. I know a bit about female anatomy but not a lot about physiology."

"We'll get some of that in Reproductive Physiology in the Fall. One of the female doctors I talked to when I was a Senior in High School said the biggest problem with obstetrics and gynecology is that male doctors tend to be clueless. Part of that was training that completely ignored female sexuality because of all the taboos surrounding it."

"How the heck can you be a gynecologist without understanding female sexuality?"

"Don't ask me! I think it's as dumb as you do, if not dumber."

"How are you this morning?"

"A little better. I still feel like I got hit by a bus."

"I take it you're coming to church with me?"

"Yes. I don't want to be away from you. What about Kimiko?"

"The fact that she didn't come back for Vespers last night speaks volumes. If she doesn't show up to go to church this morning, I think that's a strong sign that she knows it's over or that it will be once we talk."

"I can hang out with Sandy or Sophia while you talk to her."

"Are you OK to go back to your room?"

"I brought my clothes and toothbrush with me last night in that small bag."

"OK. We need to get out of bed and get dressed."

"What about showers?"

"Do you promise to behave?"

"Yes."

"Then get up, and we can both use mine, one at a time."

"Suddenly, you aren't bashful in front of me?"

"Context, Lissa," I replied. "Remember those showers back in August?"

"Yes, but I understand that blood flow makes a BIG difference!"

"Oh, stop!" I chuckled. "You and your obsession! Get your shower. I need to use the little boys' room."

"I don't think it's little!"

"You're changing the context, Lissa," I warned gently. "Please don't. Not now."

"Sorry," she replied.

We managed to both shower without flaunting our naked bodies, though I was sure Clarissa had as good a look at me as I did at her through the clear Plexiglas door of the shower. Fortunately, my erection had subsided as soon as I got out of bed and went into the small bathroom to empty my bladder because it was neither the time nor the place for Clarissa to see me in that state.

As I had suspected, Kimiko was not waiting when Clarissa and I came out of my room, and after waiting a few minutes, we headed to church. It dawned on me that I actually had a bit of a problem because Tasha was planning to visit.

"Tasha is supposed to be here today," I said.

"So I'll watch and get some pointers," Clarissa replied, deadpan.

"You ask Tasha," I chuckled. "I'd really like to hear her response!"

"And you would do it?"

"No, but I'd really like to see how Tasha responded! When we get to church, I'll call Holy Transfiguration and leave her a message saying I have to cancel, and I'll call her later."

"Are you sure?"

"I made a promise to you, Lissa. And Tasha will understand. She is your friend, too, after all. And I'm going to have to talk to Kimiko this afternoon. Blowing her off to get laid seems REALLY crass."

"I feel as if I've totally upended your life."

"That happened in March of '82 when you had Melody ask me if I wanted to form a study group with you. And I have zero complaints. In fact, the one constant in my life, the one thing I can count on, is you. You've provided stability and helped me grow. And as long as you and I are together, nothing is upended in a way that can't be worked through."

"You really mean that, don't you?"

"You thought I didn't?"

"Just my own set of insecurities, really."

"We all have them," I replied. "It's just a matter of making sure we have a good support network to help us deal with them. I called Jocelyn while you were showering, and she pointed out that in about five months, we're going to have a very good group of very close friends together here. You, me, Jocelyn, and Tasha. And I think that will be good for all of us."

"Thank you for how you've helped me."

"You're welcome."

"Though I cursed you mentally yesterday afternoon, I'm glad you didn't do what I asked."

"You were in no state of mind to do that, especially given the fears you've expressed. And you have to be true to yourself, too. Making love with me is potentially going against your nature."

"You didn't buy my claim of being a Petrov-sexual?"

"I think it's easy to fool ourselves into thinking something is right when it isn't."

"The conversation we had about self-deception?"

"Yes."

"You think my need to be with you is so strong that I'm willing to deny who I am to make that happen?"

"That's just it," I replied. "You don't have to do anything more than what we're doing. We're going to be together for the rest of our lives. You'll be my best friend no matter what. Marriage won't change that one way or the other. In fact, the ONLY thing that changes is sleeping together. I can't imagine what my life would look like without you by my side."

"And your wife?"

"Jos and I talked about that last night. I can't marry because I fall in love with someone. I have too many pre-conditions and too many non-negotiable obligations as a medical student and later as a physician. I've basically come full circle!"

"What do you mean?"

"Make a list of the things I need in a partner, then find a girl who fits them, and who has the same beliefs I do about how marriage works, and who has the same shared vision of the future."

"Does Maggie fit?"

"I don't know the answer to that question."

"Angie did," Clarissa replied. "If she didn't have her meltdowns, she was perfect. She bought into the program lock, stock, and barrel."

"I wonder, though, how much her neurotic tendencies factored into that behavior."

"It basically has to be a girl from church, then, doesn't it?"

"It would seem so. Well, unless you and I..."

"We will, but I think we're both thinking the outcome will be the same. Maybe we're wrong, but we both talk about a shared future where we're not married."

"True," I replied. "But I also think we both believe we have to try, or we'll always regret it. That is, if we can get past your fears."

"You can, Petrovich. You can."

I nodded as I pulled into the church parking lot. We got out, I took off my coat, put on my cassock, and we headed into the building. When we got inside, I called Holy Transfiguration and left a message with the head acolyte, Fyodor, who promised to relay it to Tasha, and then we went to the nave. Clarissa went to her usual spot to stand while I went into the altar to help Father Nicholas prepare.

"We should meet sometime this week to discuss Sunday School," Father Nicholas said after I received his blessing.

"I'm free Tuesday or Thursday for lunch if either of those works."

"Shall we meet at Frisch's at noon on Tuesday?"

"Absolutely," I agreed.

"I noticed Kimiko isn't with you, and she wasn't here last night."

"I think it's over," I replied. "I was already having serious doubts even before I spoke with Vladyka. She and I had a serious discussion in that regard before Theophany."

"Are you feeling pressured?"

I smiled, "No. Believe it or not, I'm at peace with everything. Though his request does leave me with an interesting project for the next eighteen months!"

"He was a bit concerned you'd feel pressured, but it appears those concerns were misplaced. I do have to ask about this meeting with Angela — did her therapist push you in any way?"

I shook my head, "No. I knew within the first few minutes of talking to Doctor Mercer what her goal was, and that didn't bother me. I'm concerned for Angie, and I want her to be healed. I didn't feel as if Doctor Mercer was trying to play Yente."

Father Nicholas laughed softly, "She's Jewish?"

"Yes. Her grandmother was a Russian Jew who was expelled from the Soviet Union."

"Are you going to ask Mrs. Sokolova or one of her friends for help?"

"I think I can do this research on my own, Father. Appropriate research."

"I should think so, Subdeacon! And if you are taking the 'matchmaking' approach even without using a matchmaker, don't forget there are at least a dozen girls in the right age group at the Cathedral if none of the young women here or at Holy Transfiguration suit you."

"I'll keep that in mind," I grinned.

Father Nicholas rolled his eyes and laughed softly, and we began preparations for Matins and the Divine Liturgy. When I had the opportunity, I went out to check on Clarissa, but once the services started, I had to completely devote myself to my duties. Nearly four hours later, we were in the church hall, having a light lunch. Clarissa and I sat with the other college students, and I took the opportunity to scope out the playing field, as it were.

"See anything you liked?" Clarissa asked when we were in the car on the way back to campus.

"In my shower this morning!" I replied.

"You know I meant the college girls!"

I shrugged, "It's first impressions, so they aren't all that important. Mikayla seems really nice, though she's majoring in political science and mentioned going to the Kennedy School near Boston. Alexandra has a steady boyfriend, and I'm not going to even think about interfering. The other girls didn't say much."

"You were getting looks from the High School crowd at their table."

"I purposefully didn't sit with them."

"Scared?"

"No, but I didn't feel right with them flirting while you were sitting next to me."

"I'm doing better," Clarissa said. "Standing in church helped, which surprises me. It's kind of a dull ache right now, but I know I'm going to be emotional."

"You can cry on my shoulder anytime you need to," I said.

"Thanks. When we get back, I'm going to go find Sandy and hang out with her so you can talk with Kimiko."

"I appreciate that, and if you need to interrupt us for ANY reason, I want you to do that. You are my priority. Period."

"You have no idea how that makes me feel."

We arrived back on campus and I stayed with Clarissa until we located Sandy when she came out of the elevator carrying her laundry basket full of clean clothes. With Clarissa safely with our friend, I went to find Kimiko. She was in her room, talking with Rebekah.

"Do you have some time to talk?" I asked.

"Yes," Kimiko replied. "Come in, please."

"I'll be in the lounge," Rebekah said.

"Thanks," I replied.

She left, closing the door most, but not all, of the way. I sat down in a chair facing the couch where Kimiko was sitting.

"How is Clarissa?" she asked.

"She's upset," I said. "She's with Sandy now."

"But she'll be OK?"

"I think so. It's the first serious relationship she's had, so having it end with no warning was emotionally traumatic."

"I'm not upset with you, Maikeru-san," she said quietly.

"I'm sorry."

"For what? The time we spent together? For being my friend? For caring for me? For being my octopus?"

That last bit was said with a soft smile.

"No, but I feel I may have misled you."

"Did you say «愛してる» (ai shiteru) to me?"

"No, but I think you expected me to."

"No, Maikeru-san, I hoped you would, but I knew you weren't sure. And I am not sure. What you said the other day, when we were together, was true. I like you very, very much, but the future is very uncertain in America."

"You've decided to go back to Japan when you graduate."

She nodded, "Remember I said I was going to talk to my grandmother and Huong? They both said similar things, though each from a different perspective. And unlike my parents, they did not try to make me feel guilty or disrespectful or disobedient. I think you would like Japan, but I do not think you would be happy there. I like America, but I am not sure I would be happy living here, even as your wife."

"I was worried we might not be able to be friends," I said.

Kimiko laughed softly, "You are thinking like an American! We were not 'going steady', as you call it. I am still happy to be a part of your life, Maikeru-san, and to be your friend."

"I'm very happy about that. And I hope we can keep in touch, even after you go home."

"I would like that! Do you know what else I would like?"

"What?"

"The octopus to visit from time to time. If he wants to, that is."

January 9, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

"Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more!" Fran declared, in her usual manner, at breakfast on Monday morning.

Nearly everyone was there, as we'd decided on a 'kick-off' breakfast for the semester, and even most of our friends who didn't have an early class showed up. I'd run on the indoor track with Clarissa, sitting on a bench, and then we'd gone back to the dorm to shower and dress before joining everyone for breakfast.

"Is that what Jason says?" Sandy teased, causing everyone to laugh.

"You know all we do is study together!" Fran replied primly.

"Anatomy and reproduction!" Sophia teased, causing us to laugh again.

"I'll pass on reproduction for the near future, thank you very much!" Jason declared, causing more laughter.

"Look across the room," Sandy said quietly, nodding across the room to where Glenda was sitting by herself. "She looks very unhappy."

"As much as I do my best to care for everyone, she made her bed," I replied. "You know everyone at this table is basically pissed at her for hiding things from Clarissa and just dropping it on her like a bomb."

"What are you two whispering about?" Clarissa asked.

I took a breath and let it out.

"Glenda sitting by herself," I said.

"You'll forgive me if I don't feel bad about that."

"I don't feel bad about it," I replied. "It was just an observation."

"Seriously," Melody said from across the table, "don't worry about her! You can't treat people the way she treated you and expect no consequences. When you're ready to date again, let me know. I know a few girls who would be interested. One's a newly-minted ACLU attorney."

"That's not exactly at the top of my agenda right now," Clarissa replied.

"Just ask when you feel you're ready," Melody replied.

"Anybody have anything exciting happen over break?" Jeannette asked.

"Does going to a nude beach in Saint Martin count?" Rebekah asked.

"I can see YOU doing that," Marie said, "but José?"

"He learned to 'let it all hang out'!" she laughed. "And he has nothing to be embarrassed about!"

"How did you guys end up in Saint Martin?" Melody asked.

"Rebekah's dad has a friend who has a vacation house there," José replied.

"Must be nice!" Sophia declared. "Are all the beaches like that?"

"No," Rebekah said. "There are a few designated that way. Mostly, we went to regular ones, but I wanted to see what a nude beach was like. We went to nightclubs and the beach and just hung out in warm weather for a week!"

"Lee, Sophia, Mike, and I went skiing," Robby said. "That's our usual thing between Christmas and New Year's. Well, not Mike's; this is the first time he went with us. He managed not to break his neck."

"They don't call them 'bunny slopes' for nothing!" I replied. "Stabbing myself with my ski poles was a much bigger risk than breaking my neck."

We finished our breakfast and walked back to the dorms, where we got our books for class, and Clarissa, Sandy, Fran, and I headed to our physics class. All four of us were in the biochemistry class which followed, but only Sandy, Clarissa, and I had world religions, which was taught by Father Jacobs, who had taught our Latin class.

"Good morning! This is World Religions I, and I am Father Jacobs. I see a few familiar faces," he said. "Mr. Loucks, Miss Saunders, and Miss Pierce in the front row, Mr. Brown and Miss Evans in the back. It's good to see you all again. If everyone is in the right place, we'll begin."

He looked up, and nobody moved.

"Normally, these courses either start with Christianity, because it is familiar to most students, or Judaism because it's the forbearer of the other Abrahamic religions — Christianity and Islam. I, on the other hand, prefer to start with something completely different, and that is a survey of European mythology — Norse, Germanic, Slavic, Roman, and Greek. The reason for that is to get you into a proper mindset when we move on to Buddhism, Hinduism, and Shinto. From there, we'll come back to Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. And we'll finish up with a brief discussion of African and Native American religions.

"Obviously, in a one-semester survey course, we can't get too deeply into any one of them, nor can we actually cover all world religions — that would make you a religious studies major, and even then, you would end up specializing. We're going to move fairly quickly and try to understand the basic concepts of each faith. And there is one very important thing for you to know now, so you can drop if you wish — there will be no disparagement of any religion in this class, nor any proselytizing. We're here to learn, not fight a religious war.

"I am not here to convert you, nor am I going to teach Catholic dogma. I may be a Jesuit, but our reputation as defenders of the faith has, unfortunately, overshadowed our reputation as scholars and teachers. If you do want dogma, you'll need to come to Mass on Sunday! And I ask all of you to show the same respect for each other and the other faiths.