Chapter 61: Make Love To Me? Please?

January 7, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

"Thanks for the lift, White Boy!" Clark said as we got out of my Mustang.

"Somebody had to drag your lazy black ass the last fifty miles, and I have sympathy for the mentally challenged," I deadpanned.

"Hey, Cracker, are you saying I'm dumb because I'm black?"

"Not at all! You being dumb has absolutely nothing to do with the color of your skin!"

"Fuck you, Honky!"

"I love you too!" I grinned.

We both laughed, shook hands, and, with Clarissa following behind, headed into the dorm.

"Have dinner with us?" I asked as we got into the elevator.

"Man, I might mess up my street cred going out with white folks!"

"Yeah? And what will the McKinley cops think about Clarissa and me being seen with you?"

"Fuck those racist bastards! What time?"

"6:30pm work for you? Kristin will be here by then, too."

"Sure."

We exited the elevator on the 8th floor, and Clark went to his room. Clarissa took her bag to her room and came back to join me in mine. I put on The Amazing Kamikaze Syndrome, a new album by Slade, which had been my sister's gift to me. The album had two fantastic songs, Run Runaway and My Oh My, for which I liked to crank up the volume on my stereo.

"Will you settle a wager with me that I made with myself?" Clarissa asked as we sat close together on the couch.

"Possibly."

"What did you and Jocelyn do after Liz and I left?"

I chuckled, "Milena and Mike."

"Called it," Clarissa said smugly.

"That's not a tough call, Lissa! Except for Tasha, my lovers are like that."

"Sophia?"

I chuckled, "We got that out of our system, so to speak, the first two nights in Michigan. The last night was just tender, sweet lovemaking."

"Before that?"

"She can give Tasha a run for her money," I chuckled.

"Is that something you feel you need from time to time?"

"I'm not sure I know the answer to that," I replied. "You're thinking you and me?"

"What ELSE do you think has been on my mind since you decided you could handle it and that there was no way for it to go wrong?"

"I didn't mean to pressure you," I said.

"You didn't. Are you and Jocelyn going to continue after she moves here?"

"Her take was right up to the moment she starts dating. But she's not insatiable like a certain other girl of my acquaintance from West Monroe."

"You do come back looking 'rode hard and put away wet' on those Sunday evenings!"

"And as I told Doctor Mercer, what I did with Milena was much more fulfilling. It's not that Tasha isn't fun and pleasurable, but we are, in effect, lost in the pleasure."

"Because you decided you don't have marriage in your future, you can be uninhibited and just seek out maximum pleasure."

"I think that's true."

"Have you thought more about Kimiko?"

"I think it might have been a fantasy on par with the one Tasha and I had. Jocelyn suggested that was the case and made a pretty strong argument that I was enraptured in Kimiko's 'otherness'."

"'Otherness'?"

"Jos is taking sociology and anthropology to go along with the usual pre-law general studies. She said it would help her understand people and be able to assess juries better. They talked about cross-cultural relationships and why so many people find them attractive, but also why they often ultimately fail. The more 'other' a person is, the more alluring and more difficult the relationship is. And to be honest, I can see that just with what looks to outsiders to be a minor religious disagreement with April or the diverging worldview issues I had with Janey and Melody. They could be friends but not truly intimate partners like you, Jocelyn, or Milena."

"That last one is the one that intrigues me to no end. Privately, she is nothing like her public persona."

"Her public persona was a product of the mistake she and Joel made just before his family moved away. Once she had crazy, over-the-top sex at fourteen, she felt that was who she was. I helped her discover, or rediscover, that wasn't the case. Minus religion, she and I are very, very much alike. And that was her only issue, by the way. If I hadn't been adamant about wanting to raise my kids Orthodox and attend church as a family, she'd have wanted to explore a future together. I'm glad that impediment was there because she is truly meant to be with Joel."

"Do you think she regrets the excess?"

"I'm not sure that's the right way to look at it; I think she regrets how badly she hurt Joel by leading him down that path and how it destroyed their relationship."

"Do you think you've hurt Kimiko in any way?"

"That's a very good question. I've been honest with her, but I suppose the most important question is whether or not I've been honest with me."

"'To thine own self be true'?"

"Yes, but the problem is deeper, I think. How do I know my true self? If anyone knows how to fool me, it's me."

"Jesus..." Clarissa whispered.

"Yeah. The consequences of self-deception are potentially devastating."

"That's your deepest fear about me, isn't it? And Kimiko has made you confront that entire concept."

"Oh, it's worse," I said. "How do we even know when we're deceiving ourselves? And what happens when that deception is revealed to us in some way?"

"Angie?"

"For one. But think about what happened when my self-deception was pierced by those photos Jocelyn sent me."

"You were nearly catatonic."

"So the question is, what ELSE am I deceiving myself about."

"You and me?"

"I honestly believe we've been fully open and fully honest with each other. Is there anything at all you don't know about me?"

"One particular physical attribute!" Clarissa teased.

"You are fixated on that, Lissa!"

"Can we be serious for a moment?"

"We were until you cracked wise."

"True. Sorry about that."

"It's OK."

"Do you understand why?"

I nodded, "It's one thing to be penetrated by Glenda's tongue or fingers or even a dildo if you guys use one, but it's a very different thing to be penetrated by actual flesh."

"We don't use a dildo, and we rarely use a vibrator because we both prefer each other to some inanimate thing. I mean, would you want to use an artificial vagina?"

"Socks were my weapon of choice, so to speak, but that was more to keep things from getting too messy. And the answer is no, I wouldn't."

"And you know most girls have some kind of fear, even if it's just a bit of trepidation, about being penetrated the first time."

"I've heard that, yes. And I can see how that could be the case."

"And think about the male view of sex versus the female view. Please don't take this the wrong way, but for men, it's all about penetrating SOMETHING, whether it's vagina, anus, or mouth. For women, if they're with men, it's all about being penetrated. Two very opposite notions."

"So you and Glenda?"

"Mostly, it's kissing and oral, focusing on breasts, vulva, and clitoris. We don't push our fingers in all that much. Glenda says some girls do and even use large dildos, but that's not us. And what I'm contemplating is, well, actually being penetrated. I won't say that I'm scared, but I will say it's a little unsettling. Think nervous virginal bride on her wedding night."

"I think I've had the fortune, if you want to call it that, of the girls mostly chasing me. Even with Kristin, I set the lure, but she took it and ran with it. None of them have been anything more than a bit nervous, and horniness basically took care of that."

"So your fantasy about Violet was largely constructed from your experience with the other virginal girls you've been with?"

"Clarissa, are you thinking you're a virgin?"

"I am, in one sense, and I'm not just talking about societal opinion."

"I hadn't thought of it that way, I guess. You've obviously had sex."

"Sure, but not sex, if that makes any sense at all."

"It does, especially after the conversation this morning with Jocelyn and Liz. I was worried that Liz's head would explode from the conversation!"

"If Mindy and Emmy didn't cause that already, it won't happen! Heck, she's OK with you fucking all her friends!"

"I'm not OK with doing that!" I replied with a grin.

"You did with Hannah, but you're turning down everyone else?"

"I did, and I am, and that includes Hannah's request for a second time. That probably wasn't the smartest thing I've done."

"Maggie's not upset, is she?"

"No. But why take that risk? It's foolish for an hour or two of pleasure. It's not like I can't find other willing partners who aren't friends with a girl I might end up being married to."

"Are you really contemplating getting married right around graduation?"

"I contemplate today. I'll worry about marriage when the time comes. Obviously, I'll explore things with Maggie, but that's in the future. We'll see."

"And the girls at church?"

I chuckled, "Once it's clear that Tasha and I aren't going to marry, that gaggle of girls will put on the full-court press. I'll just wait."

"I thought they knew."

"They know Tasha and I aren't a couple, but they think that's because of her dad. Once she moves out and starts spending time with Nikolas, they'll get the picture loud and clear. And that will be about the time Maggie moves here."

"And starts catechism, giving those girls SERIOUS motivation to snare you as quickly as they can!"

There was a knock at the door, and I called out for whoever it was to come in.

"Hey!" Kristin said.

"Hi!" I replied.

"Hey, Kristin!" Clarissa said. "I was just leaving!"

"Bummer!" I chuckled.

"Right, because your straight girlfriend is interested in taking a walk on the wild side!"

"My family would completely flip out," Kristin said. "Being gay is tantamount to a death sentence with people in my grandpa's generation. Saying someone is a «fanook» is a blood insult. They have to kill you, or they'll end up killed."

"Sounds like the Russians of my grandfather's generation. Funny enough, they don't have nearly as much of an issue with lesbians."

"Same. I think they want to watch!"

Clarissa laughed, "Just one more insane male fantasy! I'll be back for dinner at 6:30pm."

She got up from the couch and left the room, closing the door behind her.

"Shall we dance?" Kristin asked, locking the door.

"What dance music would you like?"

"How about Piano Man by Billy Joel."

I nodded and got up and went to the stereo, removed the Slade album, and replaced it with Piano Man. I set the tonearm on the platter, and Travelin' Prayer came from the small speakers. I walked back to Kristin and stood in front of her.

"Vertical or horizontal?" I asked.

"Horizontal!" she declared playfully. "Unless you decided to go steady over break."

"I didn't."

"Good, then show me how much you appreciate my help with computers."

"I'd love to!"

We quickly removed our clothes, got into bed, and began our usual dance — long, slow strokes and soft kisses, with the goal of reaching the absolute limits of my stamina. I was always amazed at just how pleasurable it was to move in her, and my orgasms at the end were like cherries on top of sundaes rather than explosions. The perfect end to a wonderful sensation.

Just before 6:30pm, we got out of bed, quickly showered, then went out to the common room to meet Clarissa and Clark. We agreed on Frisch's and went out to my car for the drive. We had a nice dinner and then decided to see the new Mel Brooks movie, To Be or Not to Be. It was hilarious, and we all enjoyed it. When the movie finished, we headed back to the dorm, where Kristin and I resumed our dance.

January 8, 1984, McKinley, Ohio

On Saturday morning, Kristin and I had a final dance, after which she went back to her room while I showered, dressed, and changed the sheets on the bed. I gathered them and the towels we'd used and took them down to the laundry room, then met Clarissa so we could have breakfast together at the diner near the school. After breakfast, we headed to the Quick Mart so I could restock soft drinks and snacks.

"Hi, Mike," Nancy said as we walked in. "Hi, Clarissa."

"Hi," I replied. "Did you have a good break?"

"I worked! But otherwise, yes. You?"

"I did."

Clarissa and I gathered the things we needed, and I saw Paula, who was shopping. She waved, and I noticed she was sporting a diamond engagement ring, so I walked over to her so that I could congratulate her.

"Congratulations," I said, nodding towards her hand.

"Thanks! My boyfriend surprised me with the ring for Christmas. I totally wasn't expecting it."

"I'm happy for you. When is the wedding?"

"Sometime this Summer. My mom took over, so it is no longer under my control!"

I chuckled, "I've seen that movie. At my old church, when one of the girls got engaged, her mom and her godmother basically took over and decided everything from start to finish. I wouldn't be surprised if they gave the couple an agenda for their honeymoon!"

Paula laughed, "One item? Sex?"

I chuckled, "Probably. I need to go, but congratulations again."

"Thanks!"

I took the few remaining items up to the counter, and Nancy rang everything up and then bagged it. I thanked her, and Clarissa and I carried the bags back to the dorm.

"Are you going to karate today?" she asked.

"Yes. I've missed two weeks, and I can tell! What time is Glenda arriving today?"

"Around 2:00pm, so you'll be at karate."

"Then I'll see you both after karate so you can have some time together."

After we put everything in my room, we headed to the bookstore to buy our books and empty our bank accounts. I was very annoyed at the cost of textbooks, and I could fathom no possible reason for the cost other than a captive market and price gouging. I was all for capitalism, but monopolies like the campus bookstore and the book publishers were where the government ought to step in. The truly sick part was, the bookstore was run by the government, or at least under contract to the government, because Taft was a State school.

Clarissa and I both skipped the 'supplies' section and after we put our books in our rooms, we walked to Emmerson's Drugs, which had a better selection and significantly lower prices on everything from folders to pencils. We took everything back to our rooms, and then Clarissa joined me in my room to relax until lunch. Several of our friends had arrived by then, and they joined us at the burger joint.

After lunch, we all gathered in my room to listen to music until it was time for me to leave for karate. Robby and Lee hadn't arrived, so I walked to the dōjō alone. I had to really focus, as more than two weeks away had taken me out of my routine. I should have practiced at home or even gone to my old dōjō, but I'd been too busy. Fortunately, I didn't get reprimanded for anything, and just after 3:00pm, I was on my way back to the dorm.

When I arrived back on campus, I saw Sophia, Robby, and Lee in the parking lot and went over to greet them. I greeted the guys with handshakes, and Sophia and I hugged and exchanged a soft kiss.

"Did you hear from Milena and Joel?" Sophia asked.

"There was a postcard in the mail today. It was one of those 'Wish you were here' postcards with those words crossed out with a red felt-tip pen!"

All three of my friends laughed.

"Yeah, you probably don't want your former lover on your honeymoon!" Robby declared.

"I didn't take it personally," I chuckled. "I know she's messing with me. They're supposed to be home tomorrow because school starts on Monday."

"You're taking her class, right?"

"Which ought to be interesting! I think it'll be fun, but it's going to be a little weird."

"Because you're the student who got to fuck his teacher?" Lee asked with a grin.

"She wasn't my teacher when we were seeing each other before she found Joel!"

"A distinction without a difference! You still bagged the hot music teacher!"

"And what would YOU know about that?" I asked.

"Hey," Lee continued, "I hear you said I had good taste in men!"

"Maybe," I replied evenly.

"How was karate?"

"OK. I basically blew it off for the entire break. I'm guessing you guys did the same?"

"Yeah. Too much stuff going on, and there isn't a dōjō close to where we live."

"Anything interesting happen this week?" Sophia asked.

"Well, I met with the bishop, and he asked me to start teaching Sunday School."

"There's a no-brainer!" Robby said. "You are really good at explaining stuff."

"Thanks. He also made it clear he wants me to be a deacon."

"That isn't a surprise, given your deacon had a heart attack and won't be back."

"He's safe until he gets married," Sophia said. "Mike is about as likely to take a vow of chastity as I am!"

"I also talked to Angie's therapist," I said.

"Whoa!" Robby exclaimed. "You called?"

"She called me. Well, she had Angie's mom call me. She wanted to get my version of events as to what led to Angie's two meltdowns."

"How did that go?"

"Angie's therapist asked me to meet with Angie a week from today. It'll be at Angie's church in Loveland with her priest, my priest, and the therapist there."

"What's THAT about?"

"She wants to see me, and her therapist thinks it might help. I think it could go badly, but her therapist thinks because they have Angie's anxiety and mood swings under control with medication, it can't hurt."

"Is she coming back to school?" Sophia asked.

"I can't imagine she is," I replied. "The implication I got was she needs a low-stress environment, and college sure isn't that. Nor is primary education. I think I'd go even crazier than I am if I had to teach Sunday School to the first through fifth-grade kids!"

"I can deal with the nursery or the Junior High kids," Sophia said. "But grade school kids? I agree with Mike. I mean, I'll be fine with my own, but a classroom full? No way!"

We arrived at the dorm and rode the elevator up to the eighth floor. When we stepped off the elevator, I saw Clarissa sitting on the floor next to my door. She was slouched and looked very unhappy. Sophia, Robby, Lee, and I exchanged looks, and the three of them went down the hall.

"Hey, Lissa," I said. "What's wrong?"

She stood up and shook her head. I unlocked the door to my room, gently pulled her into the room, then shut and locked the door. I dropped my bag with my karate gear next to the door and led her to the couch. She collapsed onto the couch, and I sat down next to her and put my arm around her.

"What's wrong?" I asked in the gentlest voice I could manage.

"Glenda told me she was accepted to the School of the Art Institute in Chicago, and she's going. Alone."

Which, I assumed, had brought a crashing end to Clarissa's first love affair.

"Did you know she applied?"

Clarissa shook her head, "No, I knew she applied to schools in Columbus and Cincinnati. She didn't tell me about Chicago."

"Did you guys break up?"