Chapter 59: Analysis

January 5, 1984, Milford, Ohio

"Should I lie on the couch?" I asked with a silly grin.

"If you feel more comfortable. Some people do better face-to-face, some do better when they can't see the therapist, and others prefer side-by-side. You'll learn that for what you'll call your 'bedside manner', no two patients will respond the same way. You and one other young man who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty just want straight shooting, no mincing words. Others need enough embroidery to handle the needs of the White House or Buckingham Palace. Most are somewhere in between."

"Face-to-face is better for me," I said. "Body language conveys a LOT of information."

"Hmm," she said, making a face, "maybe the couch isn't a bad idea."

"Up to you."

"Stay there," she said with a nod. "When you were here last April, you were trying to repair your relationship with Jocelyn. It appears you were successful."

"Very. She's actually becoming close friends with Clarissa, who is my closest friend."

"She filled the void left by Jocelyn?"

"Yes. They get along really well with each other and with Tasha, my Russian friend."

"The one everyone assumes you're going to marry?"

"Only her father," I replied.

"The way you said that speaks volumes."

"She and I agreed we had a teenage fantasy and decided to live it out to its fullest extent before she marries someone who can meet her OTHER needs."

Doctor Mercer rolled her eyes and shook her head, "There are days..."

"Oh?"

"Sorry. You know I can't divulge anything about other patients, but let's just say you aren't alone in that endeavor. Are you and Jocelyn intimate?"

"In every way — spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically."

"And Clarissa?"

"Not physically, but even deeper in the other areas."

"And Tasha is simply physical?"

"Deeply," I said with a smirk.

"I ought to brain you, «ты некультурная свинья» (ty nekulturnaya svinya)!" Doctor Mercer exclaimed.

"You aren't the first one to call me an uncultured pig," I chuckled. "But it's ALWAYS in response to some joke or off-color remark, not because I'm actually doing whatever it is I'm suggesting. Well, maybe in this case, I am."

"I think this is the perfect situation where someone says, 'Who are you? And what did you do with that young man I spoke to two years ago?'."

"You also aren't the first person to say THAT to me, either. Jocelyn actually said something similar yesterday when she asked, after you called, what I'd do if this exact scenario arose. I told her I'd take things one step at a time and not worry about anything until it actually happened. She was basically teasing me about how I used to try to have every second of my life planned out. My friend Dale, who was part of the trio with Jocelyn and me, said effectively the same thing because my speech patterns have changed."

"How so?"

"I was referring to Tasha's little sister, who found herself pregnant, and said she wasn't going to marry the guy who meant nothing more to her than being her first fuck."

"I take it you didn't use that kind of language in the past?"

"I think I swore in Russian here back in April. That was usual."

"How did you change?"

"With a lot of help. Mostly from Clarissa, but a lot from Milena, and a dose from others. Milena is the graduate student with whom I had the very intimate affair."

"How was that physical relationship?"

"The first time I was with her was with a friend of hers."

"A threesome?" Doctor Mercer interrupted.

"Yeah. And as it turns out, reality didn't even come close to the fantasy."

"Life is often like that. Did you have a bad reaction?"

"Not really. Mostly, it was thinking that it was fun, but also that I'm unlikely to ever do it again."

"So what happened?"

"She and I became closer after that, and the next time, instead of 'wild sex,' we just had a very tender, very gentle lovemaking session and then talked for hours cuddled naked together. That was when I discovered her past. She and Joel, the man she married a few days ago, had made love that way the day before her fourteenth birthday; he was fourteen as well. That was their pattern — make love sweetly, then talk for hours and hours cuddled together."

"Her parents or his parents approved?"

"Her mom, for sure. Later that year, his parents decided to move out West, and before Joel left, he and Milena had some kind of no-holds-barred sex marathon and did everything they could think of and more. After his family moved, he broke off contact and basically disappeared. I'm pretty sure it was because he was embarrassed about what happened. But through my relationship with Milena, I realized she still loved him, and I encouraged her to find him. She did, they reconnected, and married."

"How did you feel about that relationship? Just, as you basically put it, 'simple, sweet' lovemaking."

"I discovered that it was more fulfilling than my own no-holds-barred sexual encounters."

"When we talked, after what happened with your sister, I got the idea that you wouldn't countenance that kind of relationship."

"Something I said?"

"Your entire approach to sex and relationships."

"Tasha had other ideas," I chuckled.

"She took the lead?"

"Do you honestly think I would initiate anal sex with a girl? And on the first night, we were together? And with her having been a virgin about an hour earlier?"

"Not from what I learned about you two years ago, that's for sure. How did you feel about that?"

"Sated," I smirked.

"No regrets? No concerns?"

"With Tasha, as I said, we are both living out our teenage fantasy, and it's a lot of fun. But it doesn't MEAN anything, if you get my drift. I'm not saying it's meaningless, but that it has no specific meaning with reference to our future. It's just good, dirty sex, and it's a lot of fun."

"Are you involved with anyone else in a physical way?"

"Kimiko; and that is much more like my relationship with Milena. To put a fine point on it, do you know the Japanese woodblock art called, incorrectly in English, The Dream of the Fisherman's Wife? In Japanese, it's called Octopus and shell diver. 'Shell diver' being an Ama girl like in the Bond movie."

"I know the piece," Doctor Mercer said.

"Kimiko calls me her 'octopus', and that is our primary activity, though we always have intercourse as well, usually with her on top."

"And that satisfies you?"

"In a way, what I'm doing with Tasha never, ever could."

"Do you see a future with Kimiko?"

"One with more obstacles than a steeplechase race. She's here on a special visa because her dad has a research fellowship in Columbus. That presents its own problems, but the largest one is Japanese culture versus American. And despite my desire to be with her, I don't think it's in HER best interest. I'm pretty sure she won't be happy here long-term."

"Isn't that up to her?"

"It is, but I don't think she even understands what I'm trying to say to her because she's seeing it through a Japanese filter. I have my American filter, too, so I know I'm not necessarily understanding her properly, but I think once she no longer feels a duty to be with me, she might become very unhappy."

"That's a complicated topic, and I'd advise some serious counseling. The problem is, I think you'd need to find someone Japanese who has lived in the US for some time but who was born there. I take it she's a mix of Buddhist and Shinto?"

"Yes."

"Then probably a Buddhist. Doesn't that present a problem at church?"

"Obviously, but she has in her mind that Japanese custom dictates she adopt what amounts to my household gods and religious practices."

"If THAT isn't a red flag, I don't know what one might be."

"No kidding," I replied. "That has bugged me from day one. She's going to catechism at church, but I think the bishop knows the problems because he's said she needs at least two years before he'll consider receiving her."

"I don't know her or a lot about Russian Orthodoxy, but that might be too optimistic."

"I know," I replied. "I've actually had this conversation with Clarissa, Tasha, Jocelyn, and, to a lesser extent, my sister."

"How is your relationship with Liz?"

"Very good. We talk a lot, she comes to me for advice, and she tries to set me up with her friends."

"That's also quite the change from when she was panicking about you dating her best friend."

"It is. But I think I told you last time that we discovered we actually liked each other."

"How is she doing?"

"Making good grades, hanging out with nice girls, and planning to go to Rutherford Junior College."

"Is she dating?"

"No."

"Do you know why?"

"I do, but I really can't say."

"Because of her? Because of you?"

"Because I can't say, and even answering that question might cause trouble."

"You and she aren't..."

"Oh, HELL NO," I said firmly. "Honestly, the only reason that concept is even in my brain is because an idiot psychiatrist put it there! I'd have sex with Dale before I THOUGHT about doing anything like that with my sister! And if you have any brain bleach in your desk drawer, I'd like a gallon, please."

"I understand. But you also have to understand you wouldn't be the first siblings to contemplate, or even act on, those kinds of desires. And as you know, part of my job is to look for things like that and help when I can."

"I understand. I was offended when that Orosco «сука» (suka) suggested it, and then accused me of it. I'm not upset with you, Doctor Mercer; I'm just categorically denying it. We have a good, healthy relationship. But my sister's decision has to remain with her. I only know because she asked for my advice and guidance." ("bitch")

"When does she turn eighteen?"

"March. And I am positive she knows what she's doing. I'm not sure it's wise, but then again, I've done a few things where people, including you, have questioned my wisdom, and rightly so."

"That's part of growing up. The key is surviving those lapses in wisdom so you can learn from them. What would you say your relationship status is now? I mean with young women."

"I'm not committed to anyone. I'm exploring possibilities, and I suppose you could say narrowing the field. I'm in no real rush at this point. And honestly, that's why Tasha and I can't be together."

"She wants something now?"

"Babies!" I chuckled. "Not immediately, but she knows she won't be happy waiting for me to be a Resident so I can afford to support a family with three or four kids. She wants to get settled in her new job once she graduates, marry, and start a family. And unless you have a million bucks stashed in the drawer next to the brain bleach that you're willing to share, I can't do that."

"Sadly, I have neither of those, and there are days when I could use both! There's a reason my mentor instructed me to never keep booze in my office."

"I believe it."

"It sounds like, despite your flip comment about it being 'just sex', you and Tasha have talked this through in a very mature way."

"We've tried, anyway, and most of the credit goes to her. I swear, there's something in the chrism which instantly turns every Russian Orthodox girl into a «бабушка» (babushka) in training!"

"I'm Jewish, but I know EXACTLY what you are talking about! Tasha was your match, right?"

"Yes. A different «бабушка» (babushka) matched me with a girl named Katy at the church near the university, but she and I had a very good talk a few days ago and agreed our vision of the future is so different that we shouldn't even try. There's another Orthodox girl, this one Greek, who I think will come to the same conclusion."

"If you had to decide right now and were guaranteed a 'yes', is there someone you would ask?"

"Clarissa."

"Your lesbian friend?"

"My soulmate. God decided to play a cruel trick on me by making the person I most want to be with a lesbian."

"You believe that? That it's not a sin?"

"Homosexuality is no more a sin than heterosexuality. It's acting on the attraction outside the bond of marriage that is the sin. That kind of puts my gay and lesbian friends in a bind, as there is no way the Orthodox Church is EVER going to countenance marriage as anything other than a man and a woman."

"How does that make you feel?"

I shrugged, "I'm a sinner, so who the heck am I to worry about anyone else's sin? I'm sure as heck not going to change the Church's opinion on the topic, and I don't think I would even try. And yes, I'm OK with the teaching. But that doesn't mean I object to my friends loving whomever they love. It's not up to me to decide."

"And if your friend were bisexual?"

I smiled, "I'd marry her tomorrow, no questions asked."

"And her opinion?"

"She's complained more than once about the universe giving her a soulmate with a penis when she very much prefers vulvas."

Doctor Mercer laughed, "You two must be a lot of fun to be around. Are you both this open?"

"Everyone knows how we feel and what we want. And most of them have said the same thing I have — if her sexuality were even slightly different, nobody else would stand a chance."

"I need to warn you about that. I've seen what can happen."

"No need to warn me; I'm fully aware. And that is EXACTLY why we haven't experimented. In fact, we both have said we want to experiment, but we've also both said we'd rather keep things exactly as they are than mess them up and wreck our relationship."

"That's a mature analysis I'm not sure most people could make at any point in their lives, let alone at age twenty."

"Let's just say we've beat that topic to death for the past two years. She came out to me, and I stood next to her and held her hand when she came out to her parents. I encouraged her to find a girlfriend, and she and Glenda make a great couple. Clarissa and I are going to medical school together, going to try to Match together, and are definitely going to practice together. And, if we can work out the logistics, have a baby together, though most likely artificially, not in the normal biological fashion."

"Didn't you tell me earlier you didn't have your life mapped out in detail?"

I chuckled, "I did, but I also know that the path to those things I mentioned is going to take turns I don't expect. I'll deal with those when they happen."

"Is there someone else?"

"Only possibilities which require time."

"I take it school is going well?"

"Yes. Straight A's."

"And your relationship with your parents?"

"It's pretty good. My dad and I don't see eye-to-eye on some important things, but we've learned to talk about them. My mom and I are pretty much back to where we were before the mess with Liz created the rift between us."

"When did you stop thinking about Angie as a possible mate?"

"When I gave her the ultimatum," I said. "And you know what? I forgot to tell you that she shared her diagnosis with me — clinical depression, anxiety disorder, and a tendency towards neuroticism."

"When did she tell you that?"

"Last Summer. It would have been sometime in June."

"And how did that make you feel?"

"Concerned for her, and concerned that my own actions fed into her mental illness."

"I'm not sure if you've studied any psychology, but the cluster of symptoms and her behavior all fit the pattern for those who score high for neuroticism on the personality inventory. You are clearly a stressor for her, but I wouldn't say you did anything wrong. Well, you didn't behave in ways that are abnormal for the average American male teenager in college. Do you know the basic difference between you and Angie? Take a moment to think about it."

I thought about it, recalling what I'd learned in my psychology class, as well as the conversations I'd had with my closest friends.

I smiled, "I developed into an adult with proper coping mechanisms, a good support system, and an understanding of when I needed help."

"Exactly. You had your own neurotic tendencies, though obviously, I didn't give you a test in that regard. You also have obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Believe it or not, both of those will serve you well. Do you understand the difference between a diagnosable mental illness and what people would call 'eccentric' behavior?"

"According to my professor, the entire DSM is based on whether or not you can function properly in society — hold a job, have a family, have friends, and so on. If you can, you're either 'weird' or 'eccentric' or 'strange'. If you can't, then you have a diagnosable condition."

"Exactly right. So the sole difference between you and Angie, accounting for degrees, is you are functioning, and she is not."

I nodded, "And when Jocelyn sent me her pictures, and I shut down, I was clinically depressed because I wasn't functioning, NOT because I was upset."

"Did you get treatment?"

"From my counselor at the university plus help from my friends."

"Are you still seeing him?"

"No. I felt the advice he was giving me was sub-par. I only went back to him because I knew I was depressed."

"And the advice I've given you? How do you rate that?"

I chuckled, "I wasn't born yesterday, Doc! You don't GIVE advice. You ask questions and draw the answers out of the patient. Your style is typical of cognitive behavioral therapy — you challenge wrong thinking and then help the patient develop their own coping strategies. Maybe you nudge, but you don't give advice."

"Confirming my reason for not treating doctors!"

"Why? Because they understand?"

"Not just that, but they try to manipulate me even more than the typical smart-ass teenager! And their experience helps them get away with it, even when I suspect they're doing it. There really isn't a way to help them short of a two-by-four across the forehead, and the state licensing board frowns on that."

"No doubt," I chuckled.

"I'm talking to you as one physician to another now, even though you have five more years before you get to hang your MD on the wall. And you know I have a PhD, not an MD."

"Big deal. You can't prescribe drugs I wouldn't want to take anyway. It's safer that way!"

"You're not opposed to antipsychotic drugs, are you?"