Chapter 46: A Light at the End of the Tunnel

November 26, 1983, West Monroe, Ohio

"So what did you say?" Clarissa asked after I relayed what Hannah had said.

"I simply said I appreciated the offer, that I'd keep that in mind, then smiled and left the house."

"After Maggie gave you permission?"

"I don't need 'permission' from Maggie to do anything," I protested. "And be serious, Lissa, do you think it's a good idea?"

Clarissa shrugged, "Is it all that different from Kristin? Or from Mindy and Emmy?"

"That kind of thinking is a license to have sex with pretty much anyone!"

"Well, you did say that Maggie made it clear that if you want HER, your days of being a playboy are done!"

"Playboy? Seriously?"

"You're SO easy to wind up, Petrovich! I'm curious: do you find Hannah attractive?"

"I suppose so, yes."

"And I remember you saying you told Liz that all Hannah had to do is clear it with Maggie..."

"«Говно» (gavno)!" I sighed. "I missed that. Liz told Hannah, Hannah asked Maggie, and Maggie told me it was OK." ("shit")

"Good move, Petrovich!" Clarissa smirked. "Very slick. Now what?"

"Forget that for the moment; there's a bigger concern."

"You and I having a baby together if you marry her?"

"I hate to say it, but Maggie is probably right about that — finding a girl who'll accept us doing that, the usual biological way, is probably going to be tough. I'm not sure how to solve that problem."

"You're assuming we're not going to marry?" Clarissa asked.

"What do YOU think?" I asked. "Honesty, please."

"Probably the same thing you've been saying all along — I'm a lesbian, and as close as you and I are, you're not a girl."

"Glad you noticed," I chuckled.

"Anyway, I think we HAVE to test it, or we'll always wonder what might have been."

"That is the risk. But there are other risks, too."

"Life is all about managing risk, and that's basically going to be your entire experience as an ER doctor."

"So what does the future look like?"

"What are the options? We marry or don't. If we don't, then we have a baby together, or we don't. If we have a baby together, we make it the usual way or via artificial insemination. And the timing of the baby is open, though obviously school and Residency have to factor in."

"I don't see how we could afford a baby before Residency," I replied. "Unless you come into a huge inheritance!"

"My grandparents are pretty well-to-do," Clarissa said, "and they don't agree with my parents, but Grandma and Grandpa are in really good health. They're only in their late sixties, so an inheritance is out of the picture for hopefully a very long time."

"That means after Residency, but you know that, most likely, I'm not going to wait until then to marry."

"We don't have to decide today, obviously. And I will point out that Tasha was at least open to investigating the idea."

"You and Jocelyn seem to be pushing me towards her. And I don't mean that in a negative way — you're both simply pointing out her positives."

"Because we care a lot about you," Clarissa declared. "I'm hoping she and I can become good friends. It would make things a lot easier. Tasha and I are developing a good relationship, and I think she sees that as her best way to achieve her ultimate goal."

"Perhaps, though she's not any more sure about the goal you're referring to than I am."

"You two are working towards it in a mature way. And you do notice who she approached for help."

"Yes, but part of that is because she knew I could speak to her dad in a way nobody else short of the bishop could."

"And why is that?"

"Good point," I replied. "It's because of the relationship Tasha and I have and how I've behaved since the whole blowup over Janey."

"Talk about a failed experiment!"

"Yeah, well," I sighed. "But I learned an important lesson about maturity and the difference between High School romances and adult ones. And that helped me learn how to handle the situation with Tasha. Milena helped a lot as well."

"I'm not saying you'll end up with Tasha, but THAT relationship is the most well-developed, and neither of you have stars in your eyes. I don't know for sure, but I think Maggie does. And, to a point, so does Kimiko."

"You're referring to how she first showed her interest, but I think things have changed since then. That said, it's hard to know because I don't understand her thinking. Granted, I don't understand ANY girl's thinking, but I understand Kimiko's even less!"

"Women are not THAT bad!" Clarissa protested. "And you did a pretty good job at understanding Milena, and you really helped her. And you understand me pretty well, too. I think you're looking at specific cases — Angie and Janey — and extrapolating from them. Besides those two, you really don't have any trouble. Well, Kimiko, but that's cultural, not because she's female."

"Now you sound like my mom!" I declared. "When I complained, right after graduation, that I didn't understand girls, she pointed out that I understood Jocelyn really well because we'd spent so much time together. I protested that I knew Dale better, but she pointed out it was only a matter of degrees, not orders of magnitude."

"And who have you had REAL trouble understanding?"

"Angie, but obviously there were circumstances beyond either of our control in our relationship; Nancy, but her history made trust difficult for her; Janey, but that was because we were on very different pages."

"Your feminine side helps, Mike. You seem to be much more in touch with our feelings than most guys."

"But still, sometimes, I can't figure out why girls say or do things they do."

"Because they don't make sense to you? You mean like Tony smoking so much dope you couldn't help but notice? Like a diabetic girl drinking and not eating properly? Like a 'Bible thumper' being a serial rapist? Like Emmy's dad being a racist? Do any of THOSE men make sense to you?"

"No."

"So..."

"Oh, shut up!" I chuckled.

"Hannah might well be your last possible fling," Clarissa smirked.

"You think I'm going to decide soon?"

"I think you and Tasha are moving slowly but steadily that way. I think things will clarify next Summer when she's in McKinley. And you'll have to choose between her, Maggie, and Kimiko. And Maggie doesn't give out free samples!"

"Now that's just crude, Lissa!"

"I know I'm speaking from a different perspective, but I'd never consider marrying someone without having sex with them first. You and I have talked about how that's an important part of a marriage. It's not the most important, obviously, but you and I are going to make a decision in that regard based on THAT issue; that's how important it is."

"Right," I said nodding, "I'll just go to Maggie and demand a 'test drive' before asking her to go steady."

Clarissa smirked and shook her head, "I don't think you should put it QUITE that way, but it IS important enough to talk about. Don't you think that was at least part of Kimiko's thinking? That she needed to ensure you were compatible in that way?"

"I hadn't thought about it."

"Janey sure did. So did Melody."

"And look where THOSE relationships went."

"I'm not saying anything about the relationships, just about the idea of sexual compatibility. Think about you and Sandy and what you thought when you realized how compatible you were."

"A reasonable point," I replied. "But for quite a few people, that is simply not an option. There are plenty of women who are virgins on their wedding day by choice."

"And plenty who are not. This isn't the 50s."

"No, it's not, but then again, to hear my mom, the 50s weren't quite like we think they were. And the 60s, in a sense, hearkened back to the 20s according to Mr. Black, the 20s were pretty free and open, with flappers, speakeasies, and so on. According to him, it goes in cycles. And you remember the conversation about typical ages for losing your virginity and how they're about the same for religious kids at they are for non-religious ones."

Clarissa nodded, "I think it's something you need to discuss with Maggie if you're serious about her."

"But it's going to seem as if I'm pressuring her, and that is the LAST thing I want to do. That's especially true if we don't eventually end up together. Then I really WOULD have stolen something from her under what amounted to false pretenses or inappropriate pressure. And she's not saying she has to wait until marriage, just that she wants a committed relationship before she does it."

"Yes, but is she allowing for the real possibility that going steady won't lead to engagement and marriage? Or is she just implying that so you don't get cold feet?"

"I can't look into her heart and know what she's thinking at that level," I replied. "But I think I get her point. There's a difference between having sex with a guy you're dating versus a guy who's your boyfriend. One is casual, the other isn't, at least as I see it."

"And you've been back and forth on the whole 'casual sex' issue in your mind. You don't regret Emmy or Mindy, and you got over your regret with Kristin by continuing the relationship. What would you consider Katy?"

"The first time? A relationship. The second time? I have no clue. But right after the first time, MY view on it was different from hers. Think about a role reversal there and how bad THAT would be. You know, if I'd slept with her and then broken up with her immediately afterwards."

"It's a double standard, for sure," Clarissa agreed. "It basically says guys can't be taken advantage of sexually because they always want it. Well, I suppose the one instance would be a girl who seduced a guy with the intention of getting pregnant to trap him. But otherwise, you're right about how bad the situation would have been had the roles been reversed."

"And if you recall, I felt I had taken advantage of Kristin. She didn't feel that way, but I sure did."

"But as we agreed, you came to terms with that. I'm curious, and I'm not pushing you to a course of action, just trying to understand your thinking — would you feel you were taking advantage of Hannah?"

"I think 'taking advantage' only happens if there is a difference of opinion about what it means, or if one or the other was deceptive about their motives and goals."

"That makes sense. Again, just gauging your thinking — you know a girl who you feel is attractive, who wants to have what amounts to no-strings-attached sex — what's your decision process?"

"I don't think I've developed a flowchart for that program!" I chuckled.

"Then perhaps call it a diagnosis? That's the equivalent of a flowchart, right?"

I nodded, "As we learned in biochemistry, when we were dealing with principles of serology, you look at the symptoms and, after ruling out things that might be immediately fatal, think about the most likely causes, starting with the simplest, easiest to treat diseases, ruling them out as you move down the list to more complicated and rarer diseases, or ones which are much harder to treat until you find one that fits the bill. But this is different because there are unmeasurable inputs — ideas of 'right and 'wrong'."

"Which is what I'm getting at. Your views on that have changed since we first met. In fact, they've been evolving since Jocelyn's accident. Had that not happened, you wouldn't have had to face many of the moral or ethical dilemmas that you've faced over the past few years. I'm not saying it was a good thing, only that the accident was a catalyst for growth and change."

"I wish there had been a different way," I sighed.

"But you see, from what you told me, Jocelyn understood that you needed to grow up. That's why, back then, she was insisting that you date while she was at Purdue."

"And yet she changed her mind and decided to go to Taft."

"Which probably would have stunted your emotional growth and might well have made things WORSE between you and Jocelyn than they were after you had your falling out."

"I fail to see how that's even remotely possible," I sighed.

"Oh? A very bad break-up after a couple of years of planning a life together? One that probably would never be healed? You're fixing this one; I don't know that you could fix the other one."

"I just can't agree that the accident was 'good' in any way."

"No, but you needed a catalyst, and that's the one that Fate, for lack of a better term, brought your way. I know you don't blame God for that."

"Oh, I toyed with that idea," I sighed. "Quite a bit."

"Toyed. But you could never go there because you believe in moral free agency. God doesn't CAUSE things like that to happen, but when they do occur, He does use them as object lessons and opportunities for growth. That is what you believe, right?"

"Yes, but you're coming awfully close to 'the ends justify the means'."

"I thought the Bible said something like that? About all things working together for good?"

"'And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose'. Basically, it says that no matter what happens, we aren't to despair of our salvation or question God's ability to save us, no matter how dire or terrible the circumstances. A few verses later, Paul asks the key question about dealing with adversity — 'If God is for us, who is against us?'. And in those verses, you have the answer to the question of whether or not there is an unforgivable sin."

"Disbelief?"

I shook my head, "No. Denial of God's ability to save us. Once you decide God can't save you, there is NO hope because salvation is synergistic — God doesn't save those who do not want to be saved. In that sense, Kimiko is in better spiritual shape than an Orthodox Christian who despairs of God's power to save him."

"So anyone can be saved? Not just Orthodox Christians?"

"Sure. I can tell you where the Church IS, but not where it isn't. It's not up to me or the bishops to decide whom God saves. I remember a homily from Vladyka ARKADY when I was little, where he asked us to think about a group of people on an island in the middle of the Pacific before the Europeans came. Would God create those people who had no access to the specific message about Jesus Christ and have them end up in Hell because of when and where they were born? And if He did, then how could we EVER say He was a God of love? Fundamentally, God's love has to triumph over His justice, or else calling Him a loving God is a terrible lie."

"Then how does He send anyone to Hell?"

"HE doesn't. We send ourselves to Hell by refusing to respond to God's love. Nobody is in Hell without voluntarily choosing to be there by rejecting God's love. And if you come to church often, you'll hear that basically only two individuals are said to be surely in Hell — Judas Iscariot and Arius. Beyond that, you'll see icons depicting souls in Hell, including deacons, priests, bishops, and patriarchs, but generally not identifiable. Compare those two names to the literally thousands of saints reflected in written icons which adorn the churches globally."

"Arius was the guy declared a heretic at the Council of Nicea?"

"Deposed from his episcopacy, excommunicated, and exiled. All over an iota," I grinned.

"You've lost me."

"The Arian party preferred the Greek word «ὁμοιούσιος» (homoioúsios), which means 'of similar essence'. The Athanasian party preferred the Greek word «ὁμοούσιος» (homooúsios), which means 'of one essence', as we say in the creed. The difference in spelling of those two words is the Greek letter iota. So the phrase 'not an iota of difference' takes on a very theological meaning. The New Testament uses 'iota', often written as 'jot', to signify a tiny amount, as in 'not one jot or one tittle'. Of course, it could also be referring to a Hebrew letter, 'Yodh', which is the same letter, in effect."

"Things you never knew!"

"Mr. Black, who was our English and Current Events teacher, says that English is full of references to Greek and Roman mythology, Shakespeare, and the Bible, all of which you have to understand to be able to communicate properly. Now, some of it is lost in time, such as 'gadzooks' being a substitutional oath, like 'darn'."

"What?"

"Gadzooks is a contraction and elision of by God's hooks — the nails used for the crucifixion."

"Interesting."

"But we're way off track from our conversation."

"Are we? These kinds of talks, especially when you talk about your faith, reveal things about you and your thinking. It's especially revealing about your view of other people and your outlook on life. What's interesting is that your faith defines and informs you, but for the most part, doesn't control you."

"True."

"When are you leaving to meet Dale and Jocelyn?"

"In about two hours," I replied. "When are you leaving to meet Tasha?"

"In about ninety minutes."

Around noon, I met Dale and Jocelyn at A&W. That was their choice, and there was no way I was going to let 'fasting rules' interfere with our reunion. A&W offered a fish sandwich, so I selected that, along with fries and a root beer, and joined my friends at the table.

"Together again!" I said as I sat down. "How's Clara?"

"Good. I'm heading to her house after lunch today. We'll drive up to Madison tomorrow. How's Clarissa?"

"Also good. She and Tasha are having lunch today."

"Your two main women?" Dale smirked.

"IN HIS DREAMS!" Jocelyn replied mirthfully.

"I could tell you about some stuff in Madison," Dale smirked. "But that was before Clara."

"That seems pretty serious," I replied.

"Eh, maybe. I like her enough, but not THAT much."

"Typical," Jocelyn said with a smile. "You like her enough to get it but not enough to pay for it!"

"You ALWAYS pay for it!" Dale countered.

"I think I'm going to have lunch outside, even though it's only 35°F!" I chuckled.

"Dale's just being Dale," Jocelyn said. "Some boys never grow up!"

"Oh, I think he has," I replied. "It's a matter of understanding that while the relationship may be good, it's not good enough for marriage. Maybe that changes, maybe it doesn't. In a sense, it's not much different from Tasha and me."