Chapter 45: All You Need Is Love

November 25, 1983, West Monroe, Ohio

On Friday morning, I drank coffee while Clarissa ate breakfast because I was having breakfast at Jocelyn's.

"I never asked," Clarissa said, "but how is turkey with all the fixings allowed during the fast?"

"If the US were Orthodox, the harvest festival would have been in October, as it is in Canada," I grinned. "So our bishops make accommodation. ROCOR doesn't have this issue because they follow the Old Calendar, and their fast doesn't start until the 28th on our calendar."

"Is that the Julian versus Gregorian calendar thing?"

"Yes. The Roman calendar drifted because they didn't get the 'leap year' concept down quite right, so it was fixed. The British colonies in North America adopted it in 1752 when they skipped from September 2nd to September 14th. There are some Orthodox who insist we who use the New Calendar broke the eternal cycle of fasts and feasts by skipping those days. Maybe we did, but in just about everything like that, I defer to my bishop. I certainly haven't missed any feasts or fasts in my lifetime because of that!"

"Given that it was over two hundred years ago, I'd say not! I take it they have Christmas in January, then?"

"By our calendar, yes. You can see the difference because the Russian 'October Revolution' took place in October on the Russian calendar but November on ours."

"I remember that, vaguely, from my world history class in High School. I guess the Communists changed the calendar?"

"Yes. In January 1918, the «Совет народных комиссаров» (Soviet narodnykh kommissarov), or Council of People's Commissars, issued a decree changing the date. That's another sticking point for ROCOR — the Communists changed the date, so they simply CANNOT accept it. I think I told you the fact that we don't have a Patriarch here, and the jurisdictional mess is a direct result of the Russian Revolution."

"You did. How long are you going to be at Jocelyn's?"

"Until she's done with me!" I chuckled.

"So the same as with every OTHER woman in your life, then?" Clarissa smirked.

"That seems to have worked out reasonably well except in a few cases."

"Because you pushed back on the ones who were controlling instead of simply taking charge of the relationship."

"Janey?"

"Mainly, but Nancy to some extent. And Angie."

"You can't blame Angie for anything she did," I replied.

"You mean because of her illness?"

"Exactly. Angie is not responsible for anything that happened. And no, I'm not blaming myself, except perhaps for not recognizing she needed help."

"You're no psychologist, and you sure aren't going into psychiatry as a specialty. There's a reason for those specialties."

"Oh, I know; but when she made her 'sleep with me now' demand, I should have called her counselor. And no, I'm not blaming myself; I'm just saying I should have done that. And now I've learned a lesson."

"Well, well, well; we don't have the guilt-ridden Mike anymore."

"It was never guilt, at least not the way I think you mean it. I struggled with my conscience, but I wasn't feeling 'guilty' as people usually mean it. You want the Roman Catholics for that!"

"Liz and I are going Christmas shopping. Tasha is going to join us, and Sasha might join us as well."

"When did you talk to them?"

"I called last night while you were doing dishes."

"Have fun with the girls, then."

"You, too!"

I hugged Clarissa, said 'goodbye' to my mom, then headed out the door. I got into my Mustang, started it, and pulled out of the driveway. I'd thought quite a bit about what I was going to say to Jocelyn, but I decided, in the end, just to talk with her. No prepared speech, no requests, no questions unless it was obvious she wanted me to ask them. I hadn't changed my mind when I pulled into the Mills' driveway. I parked, got out of the car, walked to the front door, and rang the bell.

"Hi!" Jocelyn exclaimed when she opened the door.

"Hi," I replied.

She held out her arms, and we exchanged a quick hug.

"Breakfast is ready. I know you have limits, so I have lots of fruit, toast with marmalade, and tea."

"Sounds good. Are your parents home?"

"No. They went to Cincinnati for the day. Mom said she wanted us to have some time to talk without interruption."

I followed Jocelyn into the kitchen, and we sat down. I served myself strawberries, blueberries, some sliced banana, and half a grapefruit, then spread marmalade on two pieces of toast.

"How is school going?" she asked.

"Straight A's, as always," I replied. "You?"

"Same. Are you seeing anyone?"

"It's complicated. You?"

"No. I didn't think I should inflict my bad attitude towards life on anyone. I'm working on it. What's complicated?"

"Well, first of all, Tasha and I formally agreed we aren't getting engaged when she graduates."

"So that's over, then?"

I shook my head, "Nope. Once we agreed on that, our relationship improved."

"Improved?"

"We started talking to each other as adults instead of teenagers. It made all the difference in the world."

"So you two are what, then?"

"Lovers," I smirked.

"No way!" Jocelyn gasped. "Just NO way did Tasha drop her panties for you after you said you WOULDN'T get engaged!"

"I believe the correct way to put it is that once we'd come to an agreement that we wouldn't get engaged, she DEMANDED I take her to bed."

"Unreal. So what's complicated?"

"Well, Maggie's dad found out she was seeing me and, worse, that she was learning about Orthodoxy. He had a complete hissy fit, and she's on total lockdown. I've managed to see her for a few minutes a couple of times. It's possible I might see her tomorrow morning. Basically, she's trying to keep her chances alive despite her dad's best efforts."

"She's the one you're most interested in?"

"That's a difficult question to answer because of Kimiko."

"WHO?"

"Kimiko. A Japanese girl at Taft. I really like her, but the problem is she practices Shinto, and that presents a problem for me, as I'm sure you can imagine. That said, she has said she'd convert if we were going to marry. The problem with THAT is that she feels it's a duty to adopt her husband's culture, which includes religion."

"Do you do ANYTHING the easy way?"

I chuckled, "You're the third person to ask that question in the last few weeks. I'd say the answer is a resounding 'no'."

"Any new friends?"

"A Hispanic guy who plays guitar and his girlfriend; otherwise, it's Robby, Lee, Jason, and Pete. I don't see Clark too much now that we're not roommates, but we did give him a ride here."

"We?"

"Clarissa is with me. She came out to her parents, and they promptly kicked her out of the house."

"What loving parents," Jocelyn said sarcastically, shaking her head. "Speaking of that, how is Tasha's dad taking the idea that you guys decided not to get engaged?"

"He doesn't know. Tasha thought that might interfere with us seeing each other."

Jocelyn smirked, "Uh-huh. 'Seeing'. Right!"

"He has bigger problems to deal with right now."

"Oh?"

"This isn't public, but it will be soon enough, and I know you won't tell, but Sasha is pregnant."

"Oops!" Jocelyn said with a wry smile.

"Yeah. She's not saying who the father is, but I helped mediate the situation."

"You? How?"

"As I said, it's complicated. Tasha's dad and I basically reached a point where he trusts me and is willing to listen to me. Part of it is being ordained, but part of it is also him not wanting to mess up my relationship with Tasha."

"Which he doesn't ACTUALLY know about!"

"Except, I'm pretty sure he believes it happened, but he's willing to overlook it because he expects us to get engaged when she graduates."

"Oh, THAT is going to be loads of fun!"

"Tasha won't be living at home. She's going to work as a pharmacy technician in McKinley and will rent an apartment from Mr. Sokolov."

"I think I should be taking notes!"

"Maggie will be living in McKinley, too. She has a job as a paralegal her brother arranged."

"Jesus, Mike!" Jocelyn gasped.

"Oh, and Mindy starts at Taft next Fall."

"I thought she was just a fun distraction!"

"One who will be in the same dorm," I chuckled.

"Whatever happened to Becky?"

"She's just too far away. We talk maybe once a month, and she sends cards now and again, but she's going to get her Master's in social work, and it has to be in Michigan, so her grandparents can afford it. That's another three years, at least."

"You haven't mentioned Angie in all of this."

"She had a complete mental breakdown and is in therapy of some kind. She's been diagnosed with a serious mental illness."

"Whoa! That sucks."

"It does. So, now that we have my life out of the way..."

Jocelyn signed, "There isn't much to tell, really."

"I'm having lunch with Dale tomorrow, and we'd love to have you join us."

"Just you and Dale?"

"Yes. Clarissa is having lunch with Tasha. She's actually out with Liz and Tasha today; they're Christmas shopping."

"You two are really close."

I nodded, "We are."

"Because I blew it," Jocelyn sighed.

"Remember what we said? Starting over. Forget what happened in the past, and let's move forward."

"What would you say if I went to Ohio State or Taft for my last two years?"

"If it meant seeing you more often, I'd be all for it. Are you thinking about that?"

"Mom and Dad are encouraging me to come home. They think I'm really unhappy at Purdue."

"Because you really ARE unhappy at Purdue."

"I made a mistake going there the first time and a bigger mistake deciding to go there because I was upset about everything that had happened."

"Forget the past, Jos," I said. "Focus on the future. Do what's best for you and do your best to be happy."

"And you'll have time for me?"

I nodded, "I'll make time. I promise. Would you go to law school in the area?"

"Either Cincinnati or Columbus, yes."

"What about admissions?"

"Mom talked to both Taft and OSU, and it's possible to transfer. I'll have two full years completed."

"I want you to do what's best for you, Jos. I mean that."

"I know. Finish your breakfast, please."

We both ate and then I helped her clean up the kitchen. Once we finished, she led me to the living room and said she'd be right back. I sat down on the couch, and two minutes later, she came in wearing my polo shirt and the very sheer, very brief white panties she'd worn in the Polaroid. She hooked her finger in the side and drew them down as she had in the photograph.

"That's much better in person than in a photo," I grinned.

"And?"

"Is that what you really need, Jos?" I asked softly.

"It's a start," she sighed. "You haven't promised anyone you wouldn't, have you?"

I shook my head, "No, I haven't."

"Then would you please take me up to my bed and make love to me?"

I nodded, got up from the couch, walked over to her, scooped her in my arms, and carried her to bed. We made love slowly and gently, and I concentrated on showing Jos my deep love for her. When we finished, Jos was crying softly.

"You OK?" I asked.

She sniffed and nodded, "I just needed to know you still loved me."

I pulled her tightly to me and held her for quite some time before either of us spoke.

"Do you want to stay in bed all day?" she asked. "We don't have to fool around. I just need you to hold me and feel your skin against mine."

"Jos, I came here with no agenda except to work on our relationship. I committed to myself to do whatever was in my power to find a way to restore what we had. I love you, and showing you how much I love you makes ME feel loved. I needed that, too. For you. For me. For us. It wasn't just two bodies together but two souls merging again. I WANT to be Mik and Jos again. I've longed for that from the time things fell apart."

She sighed deeply, "And you replaced me with Clarissa."

"I didn't replace you, Jos, but there was a hole in my soul which needed filling. But that hole was Jos-shaped, and even though Clarissa was there, something was still missing."

"So how will it work? You'll have a wife and Clarissa. Where do I fit in?"

"We'll figure it out. You never know, Clarissa might end up being my wife."

"But she's a lesbian!"

"When I said it was complicated before, I didn't explain the half of it," I said. "Do you want to hear it? All of it?"

"Yes."

I spent the next hour with Jocelyn snuggled close, her breasts pushing into my chest and side and her soft pubic hair tickling my hip. I explained, in detail, about Tasha, Clarissa, Kristin, Katy, Milena, Kimiko, Angie, Maggie, and Becky; about the blowup with Janey; about Sasha's situation. I concluded with Liz, including Hannah's offer and Mindy's invitation.

"I missed a lot, didn't I?"

"I also got promoted in karate, and yesterday, the Bishop basically telegraphed his intention to eventually ordain me a deacon."

"So where do I fit in?"

"Where do you want to fit in?" I asked. "Because I came here with no expectations except to have breakfast and with the hope you'd talk to me."

"The problem is, I can't mess things up for you and Clarissa."

I chuckled, "One thing I didn't tell you was that I've basically gotten over my hang-ups about sex and learned to tease and joke a lot. When I tease Clarissa about certain things, she calls me a pig. So, permission to be a pig?"

"Am I going to regret this?"

"I don't think so."

She moved her hand and lightly grasped my scrotum.

"Go on."

"Uhm, maybe not," I chuckled.

"Well," she laughed, squeezing lightly, "do or don't, but if you don't..."

She squeezed lightly again, and I got the picture.

"Well, Clarissa was thinking that the big problem with us being together for more than just having a baby was that she'd probably want to be with a girl in the future. I said it would have to be one we could BOTH have."

Jocelyn laughed softly, "I can see why she called you a pig! And you think I might decide to play for the other team or pinch hit, I guess?"

"I was just teasing, Jos!"

"I love you, Mike, but I can't see sticking my tongue in some other girl's pussy!"

"Darn," I chuckled.

"If you want to be a pig, then give Hannah what she wants and go spend the night at Mindy's!"

"I'm thinking neither of those ideas are good ones."

"I thought you were over your hang-up about sex! Some cute girl wants you to pop her cherry, and you say 'no'? How is THAT getting over your hang-ups?"

"There are hang-ups, and then there are foolish actions! In all seriousness, though, I don't see why we can't follow our original plan — to each marry and then raise our families together, well, assuming you still intend to adopt."

"I do."

"Good. Things with Clarissa are a bit strange because of her sexuality. Despite our discussions, I think, in the end, she's really a lesbian and needs to be true to her desires."

"From what you said, I still think Tasha has the lead, though she's not pulling away from the pack, so to speak."

"Why do you say that?"

"Just from the way you talk about your relationship. It sounds authentic and real. The thing with Kimiko sounds almost like your 'Tasha fantasy' from High School. Tasha is real, Mike. Maggie seems like a second choice."

"My concern with Kimiko is the whole Japanese culture thing. I'm not sure she'll ever be truly happy here. She'll SEEM happy, but the more I think about it, I'm not sure she'll BE happy."

"Can you ever know that about anyone?"

"You mean, look into their heart and see? No, I can't."

"I think perhaps the better way to look at it is that you and Tasha have a shared past. You do with Maggie, too, though not church. But those two girls are both from the same area, have the same basic values, and from what you say, the same basic outlook on life."

"So, like you and me?" I asked lightly.

"Before, yes, and hopefully in the future."

"But what about new experiences?" I asked. "About being challenged?"

"Think about setting a plan for the future — is it better to start at the same basic place and move forward, or is it better to start in very different places and try to meet at some unknown point? Angie had it exactly right, and she'd have easily won if it weren't for her illness."

"Probably," I allowed. "But would she have behaved the same way if she didn't have her mental health concerns? Perhaps, but perhaps not. It's something we'll never know, and as I said before, I can't even talk to her without risking causing further problems. And this conversation sounds like one I had with Clarissa."

"So we're both giving you the same advice?"

"I think you're giving me your opinions, not telling me what to do, which is fine."

"What are you going to do?"

"Take things one day at a time. For sure, I'm not going to make any decisions before next Summer, and probably not even then. I need time to get to know you again. And you need time to get to know me again. We're two very different people."