Chapter 30: American Tradition

September 27, 1983, McKinley, Ohio

"That was not what I expected AT ALL!" I said when Robby, Lee, Angie, and I left for karate on Tuesday afternoon.

"Two kilos is distribution amounts," Robby said. "Forget expulsion; he's going to do some serious jail time unless he has a good lawyer who can arrange for him to cop a plea."

"The funny thing is," Lee said, "he had such a rep as a partier, I wouldn't be shocked if that was his personal stash!"

"Oh, come on!" Robby exclaimed. "Do you realize how much pot TWO KILOS is? That's between four and five pounds of dried leaves. A dime bag is between a quarter and a third of an ounce at the going rate! He had the equivalent of more than two hundred dime bags! Unless he had a supply for the entire school year and then some, he wasn't going to smoke THAT much ganja!"

"You seem to have intimate knowledge of the marijuana business," I observed with a grin.

"I may have a nodding acquaintance with some of the finer varieties of Cannabis sativa," he replied with a grin. "But that was in High School. None of us have touched the stuff since."

"'Us'?" I asked.

"Lee, Sophia, and I went to parties all the time. Most everyone was into pot rather than booze."

"It was booze at my High School," I replied. "Angie, what about yours?"

"Mostly pot, but we actually had some coke around. They busted some kids during my Junior year. They left the pot smokers alone, mostly, but they couldn't ignore cocaine."

"We had one idiot who OD'd," Robby said. "But mostly, people stayed away from the hard stuff. I knew where I could get Horse, but nobody I knew would even consider using that!"

"'Horse'?" I asked.

"Heroin. The same guy sold opium, too."

"The worst we ever had," I added, "was a bunch of kids who got sick from 'shine from a still they discovered. They were lucky they didn't get shot!"

"Moonshine?" Lee snorted. "You really are a hillbilly, Son!"

"Well, when corn is one of the main sources of revenue for your county, you have to imagine somebody is going to make untaxed liquor!"

"You ever try it?"

"No. I have too much respect for my digestive system!" I chuckled. "Vodka and rum are about my limits. According to one guy I knew, drinking moonshine is like drinking a cross between gasoline and battery acid!"

"Are you going to have to testify or anything?" Angie asked.

"No. I gave a statement to the detective about smelling the pot, but the university made the actual complaint. And the judge authorized the search based on Dean Parker's statement."

We arrived at the dōjō, which ended the conversation. I had another very good session, and Sensei Hikaru called me aside after class.

"Mr. Loucks, I'm impressed. I think you should test for 3rd Kyu in two weeks."

"Thank you, Sensei!"

"Keep it up. You know it gets harder now."

I nodded, "Yes, Sensei!"

"See you Thursday."

I bowed and left his office and joined Robby, Lee, and Angie for the walk back.

"I'm going to test for my brown belt in two weeks," I said.

"It's about time!" Lee said, "Robby and I were gaining fast! We have our green belts already, and we're close to testing for blue. And Angie HAS her purple!"

"I know. I wasn't focused, and I basically got stuck in a rut for two years. I'm working on it. I just needed to change my thinking."

"Sophia said that in the last month or so, you've really gotten your shit together."

"I'm working on it."

"I hear you're a totally free man these days. If you're having trouble with girls, I know an alternative you might consider..."

"Lee," I said firmly, nodding towards Angie, "chill."

"Sorry, Angie," he said, chagrined.

She nodded but didn't reply. We arrived back at the dorm, and she went towards the girls' side of the floor, but Robby and Lee stopped by my door.

"Sorry, man," Lee said. "It was just the perfect opening. She's wound WAY too tight."

"Yeah, I know. And it's partly my fault. Let me talk to her, OK?"

"See you for dinner."

They left, and I went into my room. I quickly showered, dried myself, then dressed. I waited another five minutes, then went down the hall to Angie's room. I knocked on the door, and she answered, a towel around her neck.

"Can we talk for a minute?" I asked.

"I suppose," she said warily and with a frown.

"Ang, please don't be like that. I came to apologize. And explain."

"I need to finish drying my hair. I'll come see you in ten minutes, OK?"

I nodded and went back to my room, where I put on Cheap Trick's latest album, Next Position Please. Angie arrived just under ten minutes later, her long red hair dried, brushed, and hanging nicely over her shoulders.

"Come on in," I said. "Close the door partway, please, if you're comfortable doing so."

She nodded and pushed the door mostly shut then sat down on the couch opposite me.

"First, I want to apologize for the teasing and joking with Robby and Lee. I know it bothers you, and we shouldn't do it. Second, I want to apologize for the way I handled things this Summer. And third, if you'll allow it, I'll try to explain."

"Why?"

"Because I've made quite a few mistakes in general, and I've probably made a few with you. You don't have to listen if you don't want to, and I won't be upset with you if you don't want to hear it. I was probably pretty insensitive, and maybe so much water has passed under the bridge that you don't even want to talk about it."

"I'm listening."

"I discovered, over the past few months, that I have real difficulty with relationships because I fix a picture of someone in my mind and don't give it up when they change. And that has caused me to treat some people badly and created problems that didn't need to exist. You know how fixated I get with things, or at least how I did in the past. I've learned that my fixation caused me to put on blinders, and I didn't see alternatives. I've been called out on that in the past, but I didn't acknowledge the problem.

"I'm not going to lie — I'm still focused on becoming a doctor and everything that's involved in doing that, but I've realized that not only are there multiple paths, but those paths themselves have some flexibility. And the same is true of relationships — I fixated on one possible path and made decisions based on the image I had of someone, even if they had changed. I messed up a couple of relationships because of that and came close to messing up others."

"You and me?"

"To be honest, that wasn't the first one that came to mind."

"Jocelyn?"

I nodded, "Yes, obviously. But also Janey, Nancy, and Tasha."

"I saw her at church the Sunday before last."

"Don't read anything into that," I said.

"But you and she..."

"Have both grown up and realized that fantasy and reality do not normally intersect."

"So you aren't dating anyone?"

"I'm not seriously dating anyone is probably the best way to say it."

"And you think I'm interested?"

"That wasn't, and isn't, a consideration for apologizing for how I treated you. I had an image of you that didn't allow for you to change, and I acted based on that. It was a terrible mistake on my part. I was being such a «глупец» (glupys), a blockhead, that you resorted to what I guess I would call an extreme or outrageous solution to try to get through to me.

"What I should have done was actually talk to you about how you were feeling and about your counseling. And I certainly should have allowed for you to have changed. The problem was, and this is an explanation, not an excuse, that I had experiences with Jocelyn that, to be blunt, scared the heck out of me. And because of those experiences, I couldn't think clearly about you."

"Which means what?" she asked.

"That I acknowledge my mistakes, and I apologize for how I treated you. I hope you'll be my friend again instead of shunning me. I promise I'll treat you properly going forward. I can't change the past, but I can be better in the future."

"What do you want?"

"Simply your forgiveness. Given how much of a «говнюк (govnyuk)», a shithead, I've been, I'm not in a position to ask for anything beyond that."

"That's not what I asked, Mike. What do you want?"

"I don't know, actually. I decided I owed you an apology. I hadn't thought much about what would happen after that. I know I have a reputation for having a step-by-step plan for everything I do, but that's what caused so many problems in the past. I didn't adapt, and I was unwilling to improvise. And in the ER, THAT kind of rigor, of following a plan without any consideration that it might be wrong, would probably cause people to die."

"What's up with you sitting with the High School girls at church?"

"Scouting potential future draft choices," I chuckled. "They invited me, and I didn't want to interfere with you and the college and young adult group."

"Could I join you to run in the mornings again?"

"I'd like that."

September 29, 1983, McKinley, Ohio

"You are NOT this clueless!" Kristin exclaimed. "You have a mental block!"

"But it makes ZERO sense to me!"

"Forget the computer for a minute. I've asked you this question before — could you write out step-by-step instructions for starting your car and driving to your house?"

"Sure. Like I said, I've done it so many times it's automatic."

"And if I took the instructions, do you think I could follow them? Well, assuming I could drive stick shift."

"Sure."

"So write out the instructions to solve this problem longhand. Then, make it into a flowchart. Then you can write the program. That part, I get you have difficulty with and I'll help you, but you can do the first part if you just think about it as a step-by-step process and forget all the technical stuff."

"I'll try."

"Do. Or do not. There is no try."

"OK, 'Yoda'," I chuckled."

"Start writing!"

"Yes, Mistress!"

Kristin laughed, "You are the LAST person I'd expect to be into THAT!"

"You seem to forget where I go to church," I chuckled. "That's the norm!"

"Who knew?!" Kristin laughed, then smirked. "I could get one of those whips, you know."

"Whips?"

"You know, for playing."

I shook my head, "If I recall correctly, I was your first, and you weren't with anyone over the Summer."

"I spent some time with my best friend back home and her cousin. Let's just say her cousin has done things I'd never even THOUGHT about! And the sick part is, she's only a year older!"

"So, my age? And she was doing stuff like that in High School?"

"From age fourteen! Her boyfriend was in his twenties and was into some really kinky stuff! I guess she really liked it, though the guy dumped her when she got too old."

"Too old?"

"He likes girls who are thirteen or fourteen."

"That's just sick! I'm concerned about dating sixteen-year-olds! In fact, any girls who haven't graduated High School."

"Because you aren't a pervert!"

"So far as YOU know!" I chuckled.

"Get writing, or I WILL get the whip!"

"Promises, promises!" I chuckled.

I took a notepad and started writing out a list of steps to do something called a 'bubble sort', which Professor Klie had described in class on Monday. After about thirty minutes, I handed it to Kristin.

"Good. Now, make your flowchart. You have all the stencils, right?"

"Yes. I bought the full set. Remember, I have to leave at 3:45pm for karate."

"I remember. Get cracking!"

I finished the flowchart just before 3:30pm and handed it to Kristin to review. She spent a few minutes looking over it, then handed it back.

"Now you can write your program. We'll work on it after dinner. You just need to turn the flowchart into computer instructions."

"Just?"

"Just. Your longhand instructions and your flowchart will guide you. I know you can do calculus, work out complex chemical equations, and understand complex cellular processes. This is no different. You speak two languages and have studied Latin. FORTRAN and BASIC are simply languages. From the little I know about Latin and Russian, BASIC is a piece of cake, and FORTRAN isn't all that much harder! You read music, which is a program that tells you how to play your guitar, or Milena to play her piano. And more importantly, you play ME like a violin!"

I chuckled, "Computers and sex do NOT go together in my mind!"

"I wouldn't be so sure! There was a kid in Milford who ran computer dating services for a bunch of schools in the Cincinnati area."

"I've heard about him. Nancy met some kids up at Ohio State who went to Milford with him, and Angie's friend Anna actually dated him."

"So did the granddaughter of one of my grandfather's friends. I hear he really got around!"

"He has to be the exception that proves the rule. The CS students here are all total nerds."

"Like you were?" Kristin asked with a smirk.

"I have to go to karate!"

"We'll work on the program tonight."

"Thanks."

September 30, 1983, McKinley, Ohio

"Angie is running with you again?" Clarissa asked as we headed to psychology class on Friday.

"Yes."

"You and Angie?" Sandy asked. "Really?"

"Me and Angie what? Are we running together? Yes. Are we talking civilly? Yes. Are we involved in any way? No."

"Methinks he doth protest too much!"

I shook my head, "No protest at all. Tell me, who around here am I NOT friendly with?"

"Dean Parker!" Clarissa and Sandra exclaimed simultaneously.

"True. I've started on the path of reconciliation with Jocelyn. I needed to do the same thing with Angie. What happens next with either of them is complicated by a host of factors. But I'm not veering away because it's complicated. I'm just taking things one day at a time. And Sandy, just so you know, I'm taking Kimiko on a date tonight. We're doubling with Clarissa and Glenda."

"I still say you're protesting too much," Sandy replied.

"Things have changed since the Spring," I replied.

"It's true," Clarissa said. "Mike is not the same person he was when you two were doing your 'stress relief' thing."

We walked into the classroom and took our seats. Just under two minutes later, Doctor Herbers began his lecture.

"Today we're going to talk about 'cognitive bias,' which is, to put it pithily, irrational thought. A person creates their own subjective reality. In most instances, this is negative, but there are times when specific biases can work in our favor. Do any of you play chess?"

I raised my hand, as did perhaps a dozen others.

"Those of you who don't play, please bear with us for a moment. If any of you are even moderately good at chess, you don't even consider 'weak' or illegal moves when you play. Your brain simply filters them out without you actually thinking about it. You have a bias against weak or illegal moves and don't even perceive them despite the fact they are there. The same can be true of any game or endeavor where you simply don't even consider bad strategy or bad options.

"That's a positive bias. An example of a detrimental bias would be illusory correlation, where you think there is a linkage between phenomena. Too many people mistake correlation for causation, and our brains seem to be biased to do that. A perfect example of this is the belief that bad things happen on Friday the 13th. Ms. Saunders, would you care to opine on why that might be?"

"People are more likely to remember bad things that happen on Friday the 13th simply because it's Friday the 13th."

"Very good. Ms. Saunders gave us a form of cognitive bias, which could be called 'confirmation bias', which means we see things the way we want to see them rather than the way they are. In other words, an interpretation of events which fits our preconceived notions is much more likely to be accepted, even if it is wrong. Or, it can be expressed as 'selective recall', which means we have a tendency towards memories of things with which we agree to be stronger. We're going to explore this for the rest of the class."

After forty-five minutes of lecture, with a few questions for randomly called-upon students, the class ended, and Clarissa, Sandy, and I headed to biochemistry.

"That was probably the most interesting session so far," I said. "And I think there was an important lesson there for us."

"How so?" Sandy asked.

"I was thinking of a situation where someone senior, a specialist or whatever, makes a diagnosis. Are we, as junior people, going to give as much weight as we should to something that didn't confirm the diagnosis and not consider that the 'expert' might be wrong?"

"I think that's right," Clarissa said. "And think about the way the cops treat Clark, Carter, and Larry. They suspect them because they're black. And I bet they remember crimes by blacks more than crimes by whites, even though I'd wager heavily that more white people are arrested."

"And," I added, "according to Clark, they spend more time looking for black criminals, which would cause them to find more black crime, thus confirming their bias. And now that I think about it, that's what happened with those psychiatrists in Columbus and with Family Services — their job is to find abuse so they see even innocent conduct as potentially abusive."

"Damn," Sandy said. "No wonder Professor Herbers said we'd be on this topic for three class sessions."

"Yeah, it's nasty, and I bet, as he said, we usually don't even realize we're doing it."

"I thought his example of flipping a coin versus a roulette wheel was interesting," Clarissa said. "If you flip a coin nine times and it comes up 'heads', a statistically significant number of people will predict 'heads' for the tenth flip. But if you ask people after nine straight 'black' numbers on the roulette wheel what will come next, a statistically significant number of people will predict 'red' for the next spin."

"Gamblers always think their number is 'due' after losing, which is how casinos make money," Sandy said. "But we learned in our very first statistics class session that over a short time, the 'random walk' says there is no such thing. You'd have to play an infinite number of spins of the wheel for the 'law of averages' to actually apply."