Chapter 26: West Meets East

September 9, 1983, McKinley, Ohio

We walked into the room, and I left the door open, partly because that was my usual practice but also because I didn't want to send the wrong message to Kimiko.

"Do you want something to drink?" I asked. "I have several different kinds of pop, or I could make tea. I have Earl Grey, lemon, green, and black tea."

"Green tea would be nice, thank you."

I filled the electric kettle and plugged it in.

"How do those tea ceremonies work?"

Kimiko laughed softly, "They take quite a bit of preparation and are extremely formal. Done properly, they are in a 'tea room' which is used for no other purpose. They take hours and involve gifts and socializing, then a meal, and finally, the actual tea ceremony itself. To do one, I'd need utensils and ingredients, as well as proper clothing. If you'd like, I can ask my parents to use the tea room at our house in Columbus."

"I think I'd like that, but I'm not sure I have proper clothing."

She smiled, "You would need a formal kimono. They're handmade and very expensive. I'm not even sure where we would get one here in Ohio. It takes special skills to make them. I need to ask my mom what the tradition is for a «外国人» (gaikokujin) at a tea ceremony."

"A what?" I asked.

"Sorry! It means 'foreign-country person' — that is, someone who is not Japanese by ancestry and culture. I think I told you that there is a 6th Dan black belt at the school where my brother trains, who is an American, a former military officer. He has several kimono he wears because he mostly lives like a Japanese man, though his home has one room which is Western."

"What's the difference?" I asked.

"I think it would be much easier to show you than to explain. If you're free tomorrow or Sunday, we could visit my parents in Columbus, and I could show you our home."

"Sunday after church is probably more convenient."

"Would you eat with us? I mean, if my mother approves me inviting you?"

"I'm guessing everything is Japanese style?"

Kimiko laughed softly, "Yes, but we do have forks for my Western friends who cannot use chopsticks!"

"Believe it or not, a Russian friend of mine taught me how to use them."

"There are quite a few differences in etiquette, which I'll need to explain so you don't offend my parents. I can do that in the car on the way to their house on Sunday."

"I promise to try not to make a fool of myself."

The water boiled so I scooped tea from the can into the strainer, set it in the pot, then poured the boiling water over it. I put the lid on the pot, lit the candle in the tea warmer, and set the pot on it.

"Loose tea leaves?" Kimiko observed. "Don't most Americans just use those nasty tea bags?"

"I don't know, really. At home, my mom always used loose tea, and my favorite was a Russian blend my grandfather obtained from friends in Paris. When I drink tea out, it's usually at a Russian tea room or Chinese restaurant, and the tea is loose there as well."

"Very cultured!" she said.

"Spoken like a true Russian woman!"

"How so?"

"In Russia, the worst insult for someone, without being vulgar, is to call them «некультурный» (nekulturny), which means uncultured, rude, or uncouth. It's usually reserved for people who do not conform to social norms. Or who express offensive or impure ideas. Or simply for behavior that is inappropriate, for whatever reason."

"That would be «未培養» (mi baiyō) in Japanese, and it means the same thing, and it is usually reserved for those who reject Japanese traditions and think of themselves first before thinking of society. In Japan, unlike America, duty is never to self first; it is always to society first. Those who reject that idea are worse than «外人» (gaijin)."

"Worse than non-Japanese?" I asked.

"There are two different words. The first one I used, «外国人» (gaikokujin), simply means non-Japanese and is like saying 'foreign-born' in the US. The second one I used, «外人» (gaijin), is an insult, and it means 'foreigner', but said as a slur, as some Americans do for immigrants. Anyone who is Japanese and who rejects Japanese culture will have a terrible life and be treated as an outcast. I think my dad said it best — in America, the squeaky wheel gets the grease; in Japan, the nail which sticks up is hammered down, hard."

"And your opinion of that?"

"I am a very traditional Japanese girl. I am very conservative, at least with regard to those traditions. But that's not 'conservative' the way it's meant here with regard to politics. My parents are extremely traditional and conservative, but they are also socialists."

"I'm not very political, but that combination seems nearly impossible in the US."

"I would agree."

"So, how does your dad deal with living in America? And why come here?"

"My parents live as traditional Japanese at home and, in public, behave conservatively. The main differences are social conventions, and those can be easily adapted. As for why? The chancellor at the university where my father was employed asked him to apply for the fellowship. As an obedient Japanese, he did. Once it's completed, then he'll return to the university as a senior professor."

"How long is that?"

"Four more years — enough time for me to graduate from Taft."

"And then?"

"It will be up to me to decide. I'll have turned twenty before then."

"Twenty?"

"The age at which a young woman traditionally is considered to be an adult. On my twentieth birthday, my dad will give me a proper adult woman's kimono, which declares I am single, of age, and eligible for marriage. Actual practice is a bit different, and I have a friend who received her «振袖» (furisode) — that's the formal kimono — when she was sixteen. She ended up marrying when she was seventeen. It really is up to the family to decide, but twenty is the modern, traditional age."

The tea was ready, so I poured some into two cups and handed one to Kimiko.

"But you're allowed to date?"

"Dating in Japan is different from here. It's almost always done in groups, and at some point, the boy tells the girl he likes her. That isn't a commitment, simply an expression of interest. They continue to be with the group until he tells her he'd like to spend time with her alone. And then, eventually, that he's interested in marriage. But even then, nearly all dates are with the group or her family, and only a small amount of time is spent alone together."

"If it's not improper, may I ask how you handled High School?"

"I went to the dances, sometimes with a group of girls, sometimes with a boy, but always as a double date. And I would introduce them as my friends, not as my boyfriends. My father would not have approved of me 'going steady' the way American girls do. But that didn't prevent me from going out or even hanging out with boys I liked."

"And so tonight's date was proper because my friend Clarissa was with us with her date, and Milena and Joel were there as well."

"Yes."

The conversation had been VERY enlightening, and it certainly revealed a culture with which I had no experience and of which I had almost no knowledge. But it raised several questions in my mind.

"Dinner on Sunday?"

"I am simply inviting a friend. I don't think we are anywhere near you saying «好き» (suki)!"

"What's that?"

"It's the first thing the boy says to the girl to indicate he likes her when they are dating in groups, and simply means he likes her and is interested. Then, later, to say he wants to spend time alone with her, he says «大好き» (daisuki), which means he really likes her. Then, when he is interested in marriage, he says «愛してる» (ai shiteru), which means he loves her. And from there, he would actually ask for her hand."

"Am I supposed to be taking notes?" I asked with a smile.

Kimiko laughed, "You're an American! And we are not in Japan. If you were to ask me on a private date, then we'd have to discuss how things might work. But if we're out in a group, as we were tonight, or with the larger group of your friends or people from this floor, then there is nothing to be concerned about."

"I more or less asked you on a date tonight," I countered.

"You asked me to join a group of your friends for dinner. At least in my mind, that's a reasonable compromise."

"So had I asked you out to dinner alone, you would have said 'no'?"

"I probably would have suggested we double-date."

"And sitting here? In my room?"

"You left the door open to protect my reputation, did you not?"

That was one way to put it, and it wasn't entirely inaccurate. I hadn't wanted to send the wrong signal to HER, but it was the case that leaving the door open ensured nobody else got the wrong signal.

"That's true. I didn't want to send the wrong message."

"To me?"

"I did conclude you're very conservative, and I chose to exercise caution. It also showed everyone else that nothing improper was occurring."

Kimiko smiled, "It's only improper if one displays a lack of respect for tradition. Buddhists and Shinto do not have the same ideas about 'virtue' that Christians have. It's about respecting oneself and society, not about a specific set of rules."

She was clearly trying to say something, and I wasn't quite getting it, but she seemed to be indicating that some amount of intimacy before marriage was acceptable, unlike the way Deacon Vasily thought. One thing was for sure, my friendship, or whatever it was with Kimiko, was going to be VERY different from any other relationship I had.

"So when your dad goes home, you might stay here?"

"Perhaps. It would depend on many things, including whether or not I had met a young man of whom my parents would approve and if I thought he was willing to respect Japanese traditions in the home, at least to a point where I didn't feel I was compromising too much."

I realized all I had to do was substitute 'Russian' for 'Japanese', and I could draw parallels from Katy's, Tasha's, and my own experience with ethnic households. There were varying degrees, and it struck me that Kimiko was perhaps even more ethnic than Tasha. I certainly wasn't sure I could sign up for something like that, and I was also sure that Kimiko would have a serious issue with an Orthodox household.

"I have a similar situation, though it's more about being Russian Orthodox than it is about being ethnically Russian."

"When I was twelve, we took a class trip to Tokyo, and one of the places we visited was «ニコライ堂» (nikorai-dō). I think its official name in English would be Saintly Resurrection Church?"

"Holy Resurrection Cathedral," I said. "I've heard of it. It was founded in the 1890s by Saint Nicholas of Japan, who translated the service and prayer books from Church Slavonic and Russian into Classical Japanese."

"The church is very impressive, and what struck me the most was that, like Shinto, you have great respect for your ancestors."

"You mean the icons?"

"Yes, and the priest there told us about praying for them as well. That is very Japanese. Do you do that?"

I nodded, "Prayer for, and with, the saints is very important. I really know nothing about Shinto and only the tiniest bit about Buddhism. You probably know more about Russian Orthodoxy than I do your faith."

"One of the girls said you are a minister."

"Technically, that's true, but practically, I'm simply an assistant to the ministers."

"So, like a novice at a Buddhist temple, then? You do work around your church and are assigned tasks by the senior ministers?"

"I suppose that's a reasonable way to put it, yes."

"Forgive me for saying this, but I never quite understood how Christians could say that there is only one god but have three of them!"

"You think that's more problematic than saying Jesus was both man and God?"

"Why is that a problem? Traditional, pious Shinto believe that gods walk the earth with us. My grandfather insists that Emperor Hirohito is a god, despite what General MacArthur forced the Emperor to say on the radio at the end of the war. And the spirits of those gods are with us. We call it «神» (kami), and it can refer to the spark of divinity in anything — a person, a place, a tree, the wind, and so on. The «kami» never die."

"Analogous to the soul, though we would insist only human beings have souls."

"Because no other thing has life force? Or the spark of divinity?"

"It's more complicated. That is what we would call God's 'energies'. The soul is personal, individual."

"Which is very Western."

"I suppose that's true. I don't know enough to say. I think your worldview and mine are very different."

"Perhaps so, or perhaps we simply do not see the truth as clearly as we might. There are many things which are hidden from us before we are enlightened."

"In the Orthodox Church, we use a Greek term that translates directly to 'mystery', and which means 'hidden', to refer to what other Christians call sacraments. To us, the true meanings of those things are indeed hidden from our normal senses, and we see them only with the «nous» — the eyes of the soul."

"So, in other words, perhaps your worldview and mine are not as far apart as you imagined."

"Perhaps not."

We finished our tea, and just as I poured a second cup for each of us, there was a commotion in the hallway as our friends came back from their night out. The usual gang, plus a few others, piled into my room, and I put on some music. The couches were full, as were the two beanbag chairs Sophia had brought to me earlier in the day, so I sat on the floor and leaned against the wall. Sandy picked up my guitar and handed it to me, then turned off the music.

"A sing-along?" I asked.

"Sure."

We had a blast for the next hour, singing and talking until most people left. I noticed Rebekah hanging all over José, and when they left together, I was sure he was going to have a very enjoyable, very exhausting night. That made me think of Friday when Tasha would be in McKinley, and I wondered if I'd survive that weekend. If not, it would be an awesome way to die!

September 11, 1983, McKinley, Ohio

"Is this going to be a regular thing?" I asked as Clarissa and I got into my car to drive to church on Sunday morning.

"Would you ask me to go to bed with you if you weren't prepared to ask me to marry you?"

"No, of course not."

"And would you want me to say 'yes' to your proposal without being able to embrace your faith honestly?"

"No, of course not."

"And isn't it true that you've said, and your priest and bishop have said, the way to learn about the faith is to worship?"

"Yes."

"So..."

"Oh, shut up!" I chuckled.

"At least you didn't say 'Mom'!"

"That would be even weirder than Joel saying you and I are like brother and sister!"

"I caught that. You handled it pretty well, given what happened with Liz."

"I knew he didn't mean it that way, and that's the one difference between you and me and Jocelyn and me. Jocelyn had this mental block about physical intimacy with me because it was pseudo-incest in her mind. It was a real struggle for her to get past that. And I've never had a single thought along those lines for Liz, despite what was claimed by the State and their pet psychologists."

"Please do NOT take this the wrong way, but do you think she harbored thoughts like that about you?"

"My gut tells me no, and her behavior tells me no, and I'm positive her request was simply meant to shock me. Which it did. Do you think otherwise?"

"No, not at all. I was just curious if you harbored fears that the doctors discovered something like that and couldn't tell you."

I shook my head, "No. Even with all the accusations flying around, I never seriously considered that Liz had any improper feelings for me. All they had, in the end, was a few ephemeral, circumstantial things which they spun into some crazy web and then convinced my mom were true. At that point, it spun out of control, and only intervention by Doctor Mercer and Doctor Paulus saved me from God-knows-what disasters."

"Changing subjects, we didn't get a chance to talk much yesterday. How did things go with Kimiko?"

"There's a culture clash that I'm not sure is solvable, but strangely, there are things in common which I would never have expected."

"Two people from conservative ethnic backgrounds who are both very spiritual have something in common? No way!"

I laughed, "I suppose I deserved that. But you know where the ultimate impediment lies. And before you get on my case about worrying about that, she explained how dating works in Japan and she's very traditional. To get to the point of even going on a private date would require resolving that issue because that's coming awfully close to what we would call betrothal."

"Say what?!"

"Only group dates, even after they become a couple until they're ready to explore marriage."

"Another Tasha?"

"There may be some common threads there, yes, but with different cultures. Kimiko is very traditional Japanese, from what she says, and she practices Shinto. I just don't see how either of us could abandon our heartfelt faiths. This isn't like Maggie, even, where despite the gulf being wide, we're both at least nominally Christian."

"Nominally? You're both serious as a heart attack!"

"Technically speaking, she's a heretic, or to put it more politely, she's heterodox. So, from a purely technical point of view, and just between you and me and not for public consumption, no, she's not a Christian. But I would never say that to her nor treat her that way. In public, I'd call it misguided or poorly taught, but the canons are quite clear about some of the things she believes are absolutely outside the bounds of what Christians believe. The only external sign I would ever show was not directly participating in their services; attendance isn't generally a problem."

"So Catholics aren't Christians?"

"That's a horse of a different color. Technically, they're schismatic. But even that gets complicated by theology they adopted after the schism. But again, I'd never say that in public. The disputes between us and Rome are an issue for the bishops to resolve, not me. And they've come to varying conclusions about different groups. And you know that means that in practice, I need to follow my bishop's teaching on the matter, at least in public. My private opinions may vary, but I have to be careful where I express them, given I'm ordained to a minor order.

"Anyway, some of our bishops accept Roman Catholic converts simply by recitation of the Creed without the Filioque, while others also require an explicit rejection of the Pope and his teachings. Most bishops instruct that Protestant converts are received by chrismation, so long as their church baptizes in the name of the Holy Trinity in water, though infusion is acceptable instead of triple immersion. All the bishops would agree that Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons would have to be baptized, as would any non-Christian.