Chapter 24: Natalya Vasilyevna Antonova

September 3, 1983, West Monroe, Ohio

Tasha was very quiet on the drive home from Jackson Lake, and I wasn't sure what to say to her, so I stayed quiet as well. When we arrived at my house, we exchanged a perfunctory kiss.

"Are you OK?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied. "I'll see you tomorrow at church."

I got out of the Volvo and went into the house. I said 'hello' to my parents, then asked Clarissa to sit on the patio and talk with me. We went to the kitchen, got glasses of lemonade, then went outside.

"You look upset, Mike; did something bad happen?"

"Tasha and I went to Jackson Lake," I replied. "It's the place High School kids go to make out. We kissed a bit, and Tasha wanted to make love. In fact, she demanded I make love to her."

"I don't like the sound of this," Clarissa said warily.

I smiled wryly and shook my head, "I didn't; or, we didn't. And we had a tiff about it."

"You refused?"

I nodded, "It was one of the more difficult things I've ever done. Let's just say that kissing Tasha and feeling her body next to mine was a temptation beyond anything I've ever encountered."

"More than Jocelyn?"

I laughed softly, "That was planned in advance by the old me."

"So you had a script and followed it step by step?"

"More or less, and that desire was different."

"How so?"

"I'm not quite sure how to explain it, really. Maybe the best way is a comparison. I could be way off base, but I think my desire to be with Tasha is like your desire to be with Glenda, and my desire to be with Jocelyn is more like your desire to be with me."

"Are you saying I want to fuck Glenda and make love with you?"

I laughed, "That's not QUITE how I'd put it. Maybe it was a bad example, but with Jocelyn, for me, at least, it was about a union of souls. With Tasha, earlier, it was some sort of primal urge."

Clarissa nodded slowly, "I think I get what you're trying to say. You care for Tasha, right?"

"Absolutely. Just as you care for Glenda. But would you call her your 'soulmate'?"

"No. She's fun and sexy, and I like being around her. But it's not a deep relationship like yours and mine, or yours and Jocelyn's, though it's slowly moving that way. I guess that's how you feel about Tasha."

"The only thing I felt about Tasha was a burning desire to..."

"Fuck like crazed bunny rabbits?" Clarissa teased.

"Something like that," I grinned.

"So what happened?"

"I can't get my promise to her out of my mind," I sighed.

"But she relieved you from it!"

"Which is something she made me promise not to allow her to do!" I protested.

"And you're going to hold the eighteen-year-old Tasha to something the fifteen-year-old Tasha asked? She's a different person, and so are you!"

"We are, but..."

"Mike, I'm lesbian, but I think I can relate. Don't you think the fifteen-year-old Tasha might have been scared of the idea of a penis entering her vagina despite having the desire to have that happen? And THAT was her real concern, not her desire to be a virgin when you eventually married."

"Did you just tell me that YOU are scared of that?"

"Yes, but it's not quite that simple. And it's different from Glenda, who is completely disgusted by the idea. I don't feel that way, but ever since I knew how intercourse worked, I was afraid of the idea of a guy putting his penis into my vagina. I think lots of girls are, even if they really want to have sex. Once it happens, I suspect that fear goes away."

"I know you're going to accuse me of being stubborn, but she made me promise not to let her change her mind, and she said I was responsible for keeping her 'pure' until we were betrothed."

"Do you think she's acting precipitously? That she hasn't thought it through?"

"No. I'm sure she isn't."

"Mike, you CAN'T let what she said at fifteen control what she does at eighteen! Do you think you should be controlled at twenty by what you thought at fifteen?"

"And the promise?"

"Oh, for Pete's sake, Petrovich! She's released you from the promise. YOU are holding yourself to the promise because of YOUR hangups! I know you think breaking your word is a mortal sin, but you wouldn't be breaking your word according to the person who is the sole judge of that! And it's not YOU who is the judge; it's Tasha."

"There is no such thing as 'mortal' and 'venial' sins. The idea that God has divided sin into levels and that one set of them is unforgivable is not just silly but a lie from the pit of hell! The idea that we could commit a sin from which we cannot EVER repent is anathema, and the only person who would teach the idea that any sin could permanently separate us from God is Satan himself!"

"Spare me the theology lesson, please. You know the point I was trying to make. The value you place on keeping your word is commendable, but you're wearing it like a straitjacket now. Or using it as a defense mechanism. Neither of those is appropriate in this case. You owe Tasha an HONEST answer, based on both of you being adults, free to make your own decisions."

"She told me you talked earlier today."

"Not about that. I can't imagine Tasha talking about that with ANYONE besides you. So, what happened?"

"I suppose I should just give you a play-by-play," I replied.

"You have a serious mental block, Mike," Clarissa said. "And I think it's more than just the promise."

"Fantasy intersecting with reality?" I asked.

Clarissa nodded, "And how your fantasy about Jocelyn turned to ashes in your mouth."

"«Говно» (gavno)," I sighed. ("shit")

"You do realize that our relationship has some characteristics of a fantasy? But more like you and Jocelyn than you and Tasha."

I smirked, "Don't be so sure!"

Clarissa smiled and shook her head, "All teasing aside, you could never just have sex with me any more than you could with Jocelyn. That was the problem after the accident. You both claimed it was 'just sex', and it wasn't. In fact, I suspect you both knew that."

"I did," I admitted, "and I'm reasonably sure she did."

"And that's part of your trepidation with Tasha, too. It's the whole mix. What if the reality doesn't live up to the fantasy? What if she expects it to lead to marriage? What if YOU expect it to lead to marriage? What if AFTER you do it, one of you decides it means you should marry? But, Mike, aren't those ALWAYS risks? With ANY girl?"

"I suppose so."

"I get the picture that you've been decisive with everyone EXCEPT Tasha. You decided to do it or not and stuck to your guns until there was a significant change in the relationship. Then you re-evaluated. In the case of Angie, you stuck to your guns; wisely, I might add. With Nancy, you allowed circumstances to dictate your response. You worked things out in your mind about Kristin. But with Tasha, you're saying that decision, fixed in time, is the final answer, with no possibility to change. Why?"

"I'm not sure."

"May I posit a theory?"

"Would it matter if I said 'no'?" I asked with a grin.

"No!" Clarissa laughed. "You've always seen Tasha as a pristine virgin, untouched by any man. And you can't get past that. In fact, that might be why you're so conflicted about asking her to marry you."

"What?! Come on! There is no doubt in my mind that I'll have sex with my wife or she with her husband, even if it's not me."

"Not the same thing, Petrovich. In that eventuality, you won't be the one to sully the image you have of her in your mind as 'Virgin Tasha'."

"I don't buy it."

"Go on then, give me a better answer. I bet you can't. Let me ask you THIS question, which I think will help you clarify things in your mind. If Maggie asks you to fuck her, will you? Be honest, now."

"I don't see that happening."

"Because she's grounded? Or because she doesn't want to?"

"Because she's grounded. But there is also the 'marriage' factor. She's going to assume having sex is a commitment."

Clarissa laughed, "Sometimes you are a real blockhead, Petrovich! Is she April? Expecting a ring on her finger in exchange for her virginity? I mean, as a direct one-for-one trade? Or quid pro quo?"

"If you put it that way, I don't think so. April was clear about that, even if I missed it at first. But maybe I'm missing it with Maggie."

"You told me she said she knew there were no guarantees even if she moved to McKinley for that job when she graduates."

"True."

"So, again, be honest. Would you fuck her if she asked and you had the opportunity?"

"Probably."

"So, my dear Petrovich, tell me how Tasha is different if it's not the whole 'pristine virgin' thing."

"Marry me?" I asked.

"If you're serious, you're a bigger «глупец» (glupys) than I realized! Of all the people on the planet who would have to have sex BEFORE they got engaged, it's you and me. So, if you're asking seriously, then I believe you need to be committed to a mental institution! And, assuming you ARE serious, why would I say 'yes' when it's clearly just an attempt to escape having to make a decision you don't want to make? ("blockhead")

"Are you so afraid of Tasha that you would do something so foolish and impetuous and hope I'd go along with it? Make up your mind, one way or the other, and TELL her. If it's 'no', then she will know that the two of you have no real future. If it's 'yes', then she'll understand you might end up together. It really is that simple."

"Deciding to end things forever with Tasha would NOT be a simple decision," I protested.

"Mike, I'm going to be blunt. Either fuck her or get over her. You can't move forward until you do; with anyone. I'm going to bed."

She got up, kissed me on the cheek, and went into the house. I downed the last of my lemonade and simply stared at the starry sky, thinking about what Clarissa had said and about how things had changed so radically since the beginning of the year. Maybe Dale and Clarissa were right; maybe I needed to get away from Harding County and McKinley. Maybe medical school in California wasn't such a bad idea after all.

"Mikey?"

I jumped a bit, startled by my sister's presence.

"Hey, Liz."

"Did you and Clarissa have a fight?"

"What makes you say that?"

"She called you a 'shithead' in Russian when she came upstairs!"

I nodded, "She's learning so she can follow along without a translator. But we didn't have a fight the way you mean."

"Can I sit down and talk?"

"Sure."

She pulled a chair close to mine, facing the opposite direction so we could see each other, and sat down.

"What happened?"

"It's just everything that's going on," I sighed. "And honestly, it's mostly pretty good. Talking to Jocelyn gave me some hope, but I'm worried about her. The situation with Maggie stinks, but because of everything else, it's not the end of the world the way she thinks it might be. And then there's Tasha."

"You know, I'm getting really sick and tired of how you've let Tasha tie you in knots for more than two years!"

"You've never thought she was the right girl for me."

"Because she's NOT! Any of the other girls at church would be a better choice! Heck, Sasha would be a better choice!"

"I don't buy that for a second. You're just bugged by how Russian you think Tasha is. But you haven't attended services at Holy Transfiguration in nearly two years nor spent any time with Tasha. Maybe she's NOT the right girl for me, but not for the reason you think."

"It's not just that. It's the whole 'Tasha worship' thing. I'm sure she's still guarding her cherry like it was gold in Fort Knox, and even if she wasn't, you could never do it with her!"

"Right," I spat, "because if we married, we'd never have sex."

"If you were going to ask her to marry you, you would have. Don't take this the wrong way, but you'd have done what the stupid bitch in Columbus suggested we'd done before you'd have sex with Tasha! Perfect Tasha! Beautiful Tasha! Russian Tasha! Pure, Virginal Tasha!"

"Don't be disgusting, Liz!"

"Did I say you wanted to do that? No! I used it as a comparison. Think about it, Mikey! You'd have fucked April. You DID fuck Emmy and Mindy. But you wouldn't even THINK about fucking Tasha! You won't admit it, but I bet I can prove it!"

"Oh?"

"You don't want to hear what I'm going to say because I'm your sister."

"Just say it."

"It's a question. And a simple one. Before you started getting laid regularly, who did you think about when you jacked off?"

"Liz!" I spat.

"Not Tasha."

"«Закрой свой рот... » (zakroy svoy rot)!" I spat.

"Yeah, if you're telling me to 'shut up', I'm sure I'm right. And isn't that phrase supposed to end with «сука» (suka)?"

"I couldn't call you a 'bitch'," I replied.

"But I'm right, aren't I? Jocelyn? April? Cassie?"

"Just drop it, Liz!"

"I've made my point. Just get over Tasha, Mike, and move on. She's the last thing tying you to West Monroe, and you need to break that tie."

"You? Mom and Dad?"

"Paul is planning to find a job in Columbus if he can. And you don't have the same relationship with Mom and Dad you had before."

"Why are you pushing so hard, Liz?"

"Because I love you! Does Clarissa agree or disagree with what I'm saying?"

"I think you know the answer, and I suspect you two talked this morning. About me."

"Because we both love you!"

"I know."

"How did things go with Jocelyn?"

"Isn't SHE a tie to West Monroe?"

"I don't think so. She was more interested in being close to YOU than being in any specific place. I mean, before everything went wrong after her accident."

"We talked, which is pretty much all I can say. She agreed to see me at Thanksgiving, which is good, and she agreed to see a counselor, which is also good. But she's hurting pretty badly. And I'm going to have to come back here to see her."

"She'll come to wherever you are now that she's talking to you again."

"You're awfully confident."

"If you had come home and said she refused to talk to you all day, I would have said 'give up'. But she did talk to you, and I think that's a very good sign. So do you. And so does Dale. He and Clara hung out here this afternoon while they were waiting. They spent time with Clarissa when I went to work. They basically drove all night to get here from Madison."

"Dale's a good guy. What did you think of Clara?"

"She's Dale's speed," Liz laughed. "Cute ass and big tits! He's ALWAYS been like that from the time you guys first started noticing girls."

"And me?"

"Any girl who would pay attention to you!" Liz laughed. "You never cared one way or the other."

"Sadly, there weren't too many."

"I think things have changed a bit," Liz smirked. "Once you and Emmy did the deed, you loosened up quite a bit. You spoiled her, you know?"

"Spoiled?"

"She's been with three guys since you, and none of them have measured up!" Liz smirked. "And you know Mindy was singing your praises!"

"I do NOT need to talk about my sex life with my little sister!"

"I didn't need to hear explicit details about it, either!"

"So don't talk about it!"

Liz laughed, "Girls talk about it as much as guys do! How big he is, what he does, what they do, what they like, what they hate, who they secretly want!"

"Wonderful," I sighed, shaking my head. "Can we change the subject, please?"

"I'm going to bed; I have to work breakfast tomorrow. Get over Tasha. Move on. Your life will be MUCH easier. And don't count Maggie out just yet."

"I wasn't. And I'll consider it."

"I love you, Mikey."

"I love you too, Liz."

September 4, 1983, West Monroe, Ohio

"This could be a very awkward afternoon," I said to Clarissa when we got into my car on Sunday morning to head to church.