Chapter 23: Labor Day Weekend, Part II

September 3, 1983, West Monroe, Ohio

"So now what?" she asked after about ten minutes of silence.

A lot had run through my mind in those ten minutes. Jocelyn and I were two very different people, and I wondered if 'Jos' and 'Mik' actually still existed or if they, too, had died as a direct result of that accident. And if they had, then what? Was there ANYTHING which could be salvaged from the past? Was Jocelyn even capable of having that kind of friendship? Her psyche was a complete mess, and I was VERY glad now that she hadn't opted for sex. That might have been the most disastrous thing we could have done.

The question burning in my mind was what, if anything, I could do to help her and if, in that help, there might be some kind of friendship we could restore. I doubted we'd ever be 'Mik and Jos' again, but, as I'd told her, I'd never be able to stop loving her. And perhaps in that love, we might find a way. Right at the moment, I needed to answer her, and I didn't have an answer other than to start over and try.

"Today is the first day of kindergarten," I said.

"What?"

"Will you be my friend?" I asked.

Jocelyn laughed softly, "You don't fight fair!"

"All's fair in love and war," I replied.

"And this is?"

"Both, actually."

"Both?"

"I love you, and I'm willing to fight for you, whatever it takes. Not with you, but for you. But we have to go back to where it all started."

"Miss Jackson's kindergarten class."

"Yes. And before you head back to Purdue, I'll make sure you have a shirt of mine to hang with one of yours."

"Our smocks."

"Yes."

"And does this fairy tale have a happy ending?"

"I have no idea. The story hasn't been written yet. And we're just on the first page. Are you willing to write it with me?"

"I'm not sure I'm in any frame of mind to write a story," she sighed.

"Part of this story has to be about you getting help."

"And then?"

"I don't know how the story ends. Heck, when I woke up this morning, I had no idea writing this story was even possible; I'm just making it up as I go along right now!"

Jocelyn shook her head, "I can't believe how comfortable you are with just figuring it out as you go along. You always had a plan. Mike Loucks didn't go to the bathroom without a plan!"

I laughed, "I wasn't THAT bad!"

"Oh yes, you were!"

"OK, I was," I admitted.

"How does it feel? Winging it?"

"Strange, but OK. And I'm not winging everything, Jos. My career is still mapped out quite clearly."

"Which makes sense, but do you remember what I told you about that?"

"Yes. And I've taken it to heart, even if it wasn't as quickly as I probably should have."

"It was probably at the right time; in fact, I'm sure it happened when it HAD to happen."

"Perhaps. I do need to tell you something, as adults."

"Which is?"

"There is one ending which seems very unlikely at this point."

"Marriage," Jocelyn said flatly.

I nodded, "I don't want to hold out any false hopes."

"I'm curious about something?"

"What's that?"

"Well, we both know I'm nuts, and we've both heard the phrases 'screwed silly' and 'brains fucked out'. I wonder if it's possible to be 'screwed sane' or have your 'brains fucked in'?"

I laughed, "Cute. I'll have to remember that!"

"What do you think?"

"I think you need to see a counselor, I mean REALLY see one, and THEN we can talk about whether this fairy tale includes a trip to Cincinnati."

"Start in kindergarten and work our way forward?"

"Yes. And when we get to second grade, Dale needs to be brought back in. This entire thing was driving him nuts."

"So all three of us then?" she laughed.

"No," I shook my head. "That's a bit too far. I may not have arrived, but I've basically got my shit together. Well, at least as much as any Junior in college can. Are there still difficulties? Sure. But this last Summer has been a watershed. You can ask Clarissa. She'll be happy to tell you all my faults, but in the end, I think she'll have a positive story to tell."

"She's me, isn't she?"

I shook my head, "Nobody is you. That said, she's my closest friend, and we plan to go to medical school together, serve our Residencies together, and practice together at the same hospital. She's the lesbian. My friends Robby and Lee are gay."

"Well, you can't make the same mistake we made, then."

"Mistake? If you think Cincinnati was a mistake..."

"No, I mean the one we made when we were fourteen. Not doing what we should have done then."

No, I couldn't make that one, but I sure as heck could make the opposite one — doing something I shouldn't do. But that wasn't something I could discuss with Jocelyn. Not now; maybe not ever.

"We can't go back, only forward."

"You're right, of course," Jocelyn admitted. "Why don't you tell me about your friends and what's happening. Then we can have lunch. And maybe after lunch, we can try one of the other two suggestions Dale made."

I chuckled, "I really don't want to fight you, but if I have to..."

We both laughed, and I started telling her about everything that had happened since we'd had our last GOOD talk, which took a long time, especially given everything that had happened over the course of the past sixteen months. We talked until it was time for lunch when Jocelyn and I worked together to make sandwiches. We sat down at the table with our sandwiches, a shared bowl of chips, and a bottle of Coke each.

"You've had a pretty interesting year."

I nodded, "I have."

"I'm not sure how you can say that Clarissa isn't me, though."

"You're two different people," I replied. "But it is true, she's my best friend. You've been MIA, Jos. I blame myself for that, not you."

"You shouldn't."

"I couldn't be what you needed me to be."

"That's not true at all! You were exactly what I needed, and I pushed you away."

"I think you're misremembering."

Jocelyn shook her head, "No. It started when I started lying to you."

"You know what? I was wrong to play the blame game, even with myself. We're starting over, and all the other stuff is in the past. And we have to leave it in the past. Deal?"

"Deal. But I probably will have to talk about it with my counselor."

"Nothing is off limits there," I said. "And, if your counselor wants you to talk to me about anything, that takes precedence over the 'no blame game' rule. But you need to do what your counselor tells you."

"I will. But what about now?"

"What do you mean, 'what about now'?"

"We have four hours..."

"On the first day of kindergarten?" I asked. "Talk about starting young!"

"Go get the guitar! I'm guessing it's the only thing that'll get fingered today!"

I was so tempted to verbally joust with her, but I was afraid I would quickly tease myself right into her bed, and disaster would ensue. I got up, went back upstairs to the hallway, and retrieved the guitar. When I came back down, Jocelyn was sitting on the couch in the living room, so I went over and sat next to her.

"What should I play?" I asked.

"How about Why Don't We Get Drunk by Jimmy Buffet?" she smirked.

"Don't know that one," I chuckled. "Well, I do, but not the chords."

"Then what would you like to play?"

"Let me tell you a story," I said.

I ran through the set I'd played at the original concert: Sweet Caroline, Every Woman in the World, Keep On Loving You, All Out of Love, Take It on the Run, and She's Always a Woman.

"That's about me, isn't it," Jocelyn said softly.

I nodded.

"When did you play that?"

"Last January."

"After the photos?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry."

"It's in the past. I played a second set if you want to hear it."

"Sure."

I played I Write the Songs, The Entertainer, Piano Man, Horse with No Name, The Gambler, and Yesterday.

"What's the theme there?"

"Me learning to play the guitar. I also played a couple of songs for my encore, if you want to hear those, too."

"Sure."

I played Jack & Diane and Coward of the County, then set the guitar on the coffee table in front of us.

"You're really good, Mike."

"Thanks. May I make an observation?"

"Sure."

"You can be happy if you want to. I want you to. But you have to want to."

"I know," she sighed. "But I'm going back to Purdue, and I'll be alone."

"Only if you want to be."

"What do you mean?"

"If you have the attitude you had after you actually started talking to me today, you'll make lots of friends. If you have the attitude you started the day with, you'll be alone."

Jocelyn took a deep breath and let it out, "But that's me."

I shook my head, "No. Jocelyn was hurt in that accident, but she didn't die. She's alive and kicking, if you let her out again."

"I'll try."

"Good. Do you know which shirt you want to take with you?"

"Do you still have the royal blue polo you wore in Cincinnati?"

"I do, but it's in McKinley. I'd have to send it to you."

"That's OK. If you send it here, Mom will get it to me. What are you doing the rest of the weekend?"

"Church tonight and tomorrow, then dinner with Tasha's family. I head back to McKinley late on Monday. When are you heading back to Purdue?"

"Monday around 10:00am. Are you coming home at Thanksgiving?"

"Yes."

"Will you come see me on that Friday?"

"Yes. What about Monday?"

"I need some time, Mike. Not like before when I said I didn't want to talk to you. I promise I'll see you at Thanksgiving."

"Did I do something wrong?" I asked apprehensively.

"No! I did. A lot. Let me start working through it."

"If you're sure."

She nodded, "I am."

The doorbell rang, and Jocelyn got up to answer it. As I suspected, it was Dale. Jocelyn gave me a quick hug, we said 'goodbye', and I walked out of the house and got into Dale's car. He started it and pulled out of the Mills' driveway.

"You got some 'splainin' to do, Lucy!" I said.

"About the intervention?"

"No, about the Space Shuttle!" I deadpanned.

"Blame Liz!" Dale laughed.

"Liz? I figured it was you!"

"Yes, but Liz was the one who talked with Mrs. Mills. I guess she knew how hard this entire situation with Jocelyn was on you and decided to see if she could do anything. When she found out that Clarissa was coming home with you, she called me, and we hatched this plan. Then she called Clarissa, who agreed immediately. I guess she knows how much you were struggling.

I nodded, "She does. I guess you were, too."

"It was driving me nuts, Mike. I mean, seriously nuts. It made no sense. I was pretty sure you were telling me everything, and Clarissa and Liz confirmed that, but I hope you'll forgive me for thinking there was more to the story than any of the three of us knew."

"I think each of you knew maybe 70% of it, though different parts; Clarissa probably knew a bit more than you and Liz."

"It hurt me badly that the three of us had simply ceased to exist as a trio. And I knew it was eating at you. And then I talked with Mr. and Mrs. Mills again, and they basically said I should do whatever it took to get you two to talk."

"You realize it only worked out OK from sheer dumb luck, and there's no guarantee it'll ACTUALLY work?"

"I thought everything was cool!"

"She has to go back to Purdue, and I'm concerned she'll lapse back into her depression or whatever it is."

"But you're talking, right?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's something, right?"

"It is," I agreed. "I'm just worried about her."

"You were worried before, too, weren't you?"

"Yes," I replied.

"It's a positive step, Mike. And a big one."

"And what would have happened if she utterly refused to talk to me?"

"Then you would have either fought or fucked!" Dale said with a grin.

"Very funny. It was a huge risk."

"And it paid off," Dale stated firmly. "And think about this — what would have eventually happened with Jocelyn?"

I sighed deeply, "I don't even want to think about that."

"Exactly. So, I took a big risk. But I think the risk of not doing this today was even bigger. And the Mills agreed."

"I'm just not sure she should be at Purdue," I sighed.

"Of course she shouldn't!" Dale exclaimed. "But she has to come to that conclusion herself. She needs to be with you, Mike, even if you aren't romantically involved and even if Clarissa has replaced her."

"That's going to be a problem," I replied sullenly.

"Only if YOU make it one. You and Jocelyn need to rebuild your relationship from the ground up."

I nodded, "I told her today was the first day of kindergarten."

"That's perfect! Just keep it up, and let me know when you guys start second grade!"

I chuckled, "Deal. When are you headed back to Madison?"

"Clara and I are leaving for Indianapolis in the morning. She's at my house now. I'm just going to drop you at home because I know you're going to church."

"Thanks, man. I owe you."

"I'll hold you to that! You should come visit us in Madison if you can swing it. Or join us in Florida for Spring Break!"

"Madison is tough, but let me think about Spring Break."

"Bring a girlfriend, or if you want, I'll find someone for you in Madison. Just let me know the specifications!"

I laughed, "Like a mail-order bride?"

"Wife for a week?" he grinned. "Curvy with big tits? Athletic with small ones? Goth, punk, or girlie-girl? Party girl or bookworm?"

"You have a catalog?"

"No, but Clara and her friends know lots and lots of girls."

"So do you!" I chuckled.

"Oh, so true! But Clara and I are steady, so I have to behave! Any changes in your situation?"

"Other than the surprise you sprung on me today? Not really. Tasha and I are trying to figure out our relationship."

"You never did explain the new situation."

"I think the best way to say it is that I'm not seventeen, and she's not fourteen. We both grew up and realized that the fantasy wasn't a sufficient basis for marriage."

"It is for a LOT of fun, and she's hot!"

"All things being equal, I would normally agree; but Tasha isn't a girl I was just going to screw because I could. Weirdly, she means way too much to me to do that, but on the flip side, I'm not sure she's the right girl to marry."

"You're only twenty!" Dale exclaimed.

I nodded, "I know. But neither of us is you; then again, neither Tasha nor I are who we were. Neither is Jocelyn, for that matter."

"As much as I like my life right now, being an adult is nothing like I thought it would be."

"Oh, so true," I agreed.

When we arrived at my house, Dale and I shook hands, and he drove off. I went inside, said 'hello', went up to the bathroom to change for church, and then Clarissa and I left the house to head to Holy Transfiguration.

"Scheming behind my back?" I asked.

"I played my part in the conspiracy if you want to call it that. Are you upset?"

I shook my head slowly, "No, I'm not upset. I do think you guys took a huge risk."

"But it paid off, right?"

"Maybe. Well, I think so, at least enough that we're talking."

"Which is important," Clarissa declared firmly. "How did you convince her to talk to you?"

"I sang All Out of Love to her through the closed door, which got her to open the door and start talking."

"'Music has charms to soothe the savage breast'?"

I chuckled, "I'm not quite sure Jocelyn would appreciate her breasts being called savage!"

"And you know that's NOT what it means!"

I chuckled, "I know. It means 'heart' in context. Mr. Black explained that back in High School when someone said 'savage beast' instead of 'savage breast', as Congreve wrote. Of course, either way, would fit Jocelyn."

"So, after the song?"

"She started talking, even though she said she didn't want to. She kept talking, we had lunch, and then I played the two sets from my first concert for her."

"She has a guitar?"

"Her dad does. I remember her telling me once, some time ago, that he'd been in a band in Junior High and High School. I saw it in his den and decided to give music a try."

"So what's your take?"

"A fresh start. My only concern is that she's going back to Purdue, and she's never established any friendships. She did agree to start seeing her counselor again."

"What about you? Are you going to keep seeing Doctor Hart?"

I shook my head, "No. I don't think I need him at this point, and I'm not sure his advice was always the best. I have Doctor Stanton as my academic advisor, and Doctor Preston is my co-advisor because of Chemistry, but I don't talk to her much. I get most of what I need now from our departmental lunch, plus you and Milena."

"And your priest and bishop."

"Well, yes, of course."

"And Doctor Blahnik!" she smirked.

"Yes, her, too," I agreed with a grin.

"Tasha called while you were out."

"What did she want?"

"To talk to me! She wanted to make sure I wouldn't object to her spending some time with you tonight without me. I'll drive your car home, and she'll bring you home after your date."

"And what ELSE did you talk about?" I asked.

Clarissa laughed, "So now you're going to be suspicious?"

"If the shoe fits..."

"Because I love you and agreed to help Liz and Dale?"

"You've had a few conversations behind my back."

"Because I care about you! Does that bother you?"

"I suppose not," I said after a moment's reflection. "But I think I've grown up enough that you don't need to do that."