Chapter 20: Brace For Impact!

August 27, 1983, West Monroe, Ohio

"Tasha," I said gently, "you made me promise to keep you pure until we were married, or at least betrothed, no matter what you said! In other words, you made me promise not to do it even if you changed your mind! And I made that promise!"

"I can't change my mind?"

"You were very clear that I was responsible for you NOT doing that."

"But isn't that up to me?"

I nodded, "As an adult, in charge of her own decisions, it is. But you extracted that promise and insisted I agree. AND, I'll point out, you've reminded me of it many times."

"Will you at least talk about it with me? As an adult?"

"Yes, of course. You've been thinking about this for some time, haven't you?"

"Of course. It's not a whim."

"But it's a serious change from how you've thought in the past!"

"Is it? Really? What did I tell you about the marriage bed?"

I chuckled, "All things were possible. In fact, you said that when you were fifteen."

"Yes. And I told you very specifically what I want you to do with me about a month ago!"

"You did."

"May I ask another inappropriate question, but one I think is important?"

"Given the circumstances, I'm not sure there IS an inappropriate question."

"Have you been with other girls besides Jocelyn?"

I nodded, "Yes, I have."

"And it wasn't just Janelle Riley, was it?"

I realized I'd put myself in a similar position to the one I'd been with Janey, where refusing to answer had upset Janey, and ultimately led to us breaking up. With Tasha, though, I was sure she suspected, and if I tried to give a deceptive or evasive answer, she might ask other questions which would reveal that I hadn't been truthful to her or at least make her suspicious. And if, somehow, she found out later, it could be fatal — not just to the relationship, but to me!

"No, it wasn't. I won't give names, Natalya Vasilyevna, because that would be «некультурный» (nekulturny) in the extreme." ("inappropriate")

"Yes, it would. And the girls, other than Jocelyn, did you make a promise or commitment?"

I shook my head, "No, I didn't. If I'd made that kind of promise or commitment, I wouldn't have been able to see you because it would have been misleading you and cheating on the girl."

"You mean like you did with Janey?"

"You consider what I did cheating?"

"No, but I think you misled me about her. You apologized, and I accepted your apology, so it's in the past; I was responding to what you said."

"I understand. Will you explain why you've changed your mind about this?"

"About what, Mishka?" she said coyly. "About wanting to make love with you? That hasn't changed at all! Not since I was fourteen!"

"Then, about your belief that it's reserved for the marriage bed?"

"Will you answer another question? With complete honesty?"

"Yes, of course."

"Next June, when we're to have our talk, you won't be ready to ask me to marry you, will you?"

I took a deep breath and let it out, "No, I don't believe I will."

"Which tells me that you aren't sure you should marry me and that you might never ask. Correct?"

I took another deep breath, nodded, and then answered, "Yes, that's possible."

"And you want to make love with me, don't you?"

"Absolutely. But that would violate your belief that sex is reserved for marriage."

"In a perfect world, I would only make love with the man I loved more than any other in the world, and only after we were betrothed. I love you, Mishka, and I want to make love with you, no matter what happens afterwards."

"Are you SURE about that? Or do you think that once we make love, I'll feel as if I've made a commitment to you? Or," I said with a slight smile, "do you think making love with you will be so glorious that I will never want another woman?"

Tasha laughed, which was my goal with my silly comment.

"We both know THAT is true! But I don't think it would be enough to cause you to ask me to marry you. I mean, despite the fact that it will be an experience like no other!"

"And how do you know that?" I asked with an arched eyebrow.

"Because I will give myself completely to you, body, mind, heart, and soul, and fulfill your every wish and every pleasure! And you will do the same for me!"

"For this cause, a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh. It's that union that makes the marriage, Tasha."

"And yet, you have joined with others. How is that different?"

"Giving mind, body, heart, and soul is different from simply giving one's body," I replied.

"You joined with Jocelyn that way but no other?"

"Not until I find the woman I'll marry. Two, perhaps three, of those things, but not all four."

Since Jocelyn, I'd shared three of the four with two girls — body, mind, and soul with Milena; mind, heart, and soul, with Clarissa. With other girls, it had been varying degrees of two of those. Janey and I had never gotten past body and mind. The same was true for Becky and me. Interestingly, with Sophia, it had been body and soul, whereas with Emily, Mindy, Sandy, and Kristin, it had been purely body.

And in the end, it was that combination of four things which informed my thinking about Tasha, Maggie, and Clarissa. With Clarissa, joining our bodies was the last step, and it might blow everything apart if it didn't live up to our expectations, whatever those were, or resulted in a gulf between us for some reason. With Tasha, Maggie, or, for that matter, Becky, whichever one I gave my heart to, would be the one I married. It HAD to be that way.

"When did you figure that out?" Tasha asked. "After Jocelyn?"

I shook my head, "About ten seconds ago, right before I said it. I'm not sure I could do what you asked me to do last month and have it JUST be that."

Tasha nodded with a knowing smile, "You fuck girls, but don't make love to them."

"To put it vulgarly, I suppose, yes."

"And you can't just fuck me?"

I shook my head, "I don't think so. I think it would mean much more than just two bodies coming together, and in a way, it would demean it."

"Let me make sure I have this straight — if there was no chance that you and I would marry, THEN you could fuck me. But because there is a chance, you can't even make love to me without it being certain that we would marry. Is that correct?"

"Welcome to my personal version of insanity," I sighed as I pulled into the Antonovs' driveway.

I parked, and we got out of the car. I got the bag with Tasha's present from the back seat, then locked the car. We walked up to the front door, and Tasha unlocked it, but I sat down on the step from the walk to the porch.

"Why are you sitting?" she asked.

I smiled, "A matter of trust."

"You don't trust me?"

"Not trust between you and me," I replied. "Your dad trusting me to bring you here and be alone for ten minutes or so."

Tasha nodded and sat down next to me. She took my hand, and we interlaced our fingers.

"I think you know how to handle my dad pretty well," she replied.

"He's been testing me ever since that first time I asked him if I could take you to Marie's after Vespers a little over two years ago."

"And he'll see us sitting here and know that he can trust me with you."

"Exactly."

"What do you expect to happen in June?"

"You mean if we have the discussion and it goes the way you expect it to?"

"You mean the way you plan for it to go?"

"Yes," I replied.

"I don't know. I suppose if you don't ask me to marry you, then I'll have to consider my options. I can't wait forever."

"I believe you've already considered them, haven't you?"

"Yes," she nodded. "I have. But I'm not sure what will happen, obviously."

"And thinking about that led to the conversation we had today?"

"I want to be with you, Mike, in the worst possible way. When I think about you, well, I think you can imagine."

I nodded, "I have a pretty good idea."

"I've thought about all of this since I saw you with Janey. She said that I couldn't keep you, implying I wasn't able to satisfy you in bed the way she was. But I had never done it with you, obviously, so it wasn't that. And that's how I knew you had been with her, by the way."

"I know. I know most of what was said. You were pretty harsh!"

Tasha smiled, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And Russian women are the worst!"

"You said it, not me!" I grinned.

"Very funny! But I wondered after that if the problem was that I wouldn't go to bed with you. I had told you I wanted to, but I made you promise not to allow it. I didn't think you were that kind of man, but I wasn't sure. Then, you came and apologized and said you wouldn't see her again, and I understood it wasn't about me not having sex with you.

"But that made me think more about it. I had a very good idea that you had been with other girls. I won't say the names, but I can guess. That made me wonder if, perhaps, there was something wrong with me, but I didn't REALLY believe that because I had put you in a position where even if you wanted to be with me, you had promised not to.

"Then we started seeing each other again, and while I was happy about that, I got the impression that you weren't going to ask me to marry you as we had discussed. I'm not saying you broke your word, just that what I thought was going to happen might not. We talked about that. Now, after we talked today, it seems likely that is actually what's going to happen. Not that we won't marry, but that you aren't sure and won't ask in June.

"I more or less came to that conclusion last week, and that's when I asked myself what I wanted. What IF things didn't work out the way I had hoped? What IF you and I didn't marry? And I came to one conclusion — that no matter what happened, I wanted to go to bed with you. I asked myself if I was trying to trap you that way, and I don't believe I am. Might it clarify things for you? Sure. But it's not a trap, Mike. Not in any way.

"There is one thing I need to share with you, and I know you'll keep this to yourself. To prove that I've thought this through and that I'm not acting without proper consideration, I'm going to show you something. Something I think will make my intentions very clear. It has to stay private between you and me. Promise?"

"Of course."

She opened her purse and extracted something, which I immediately recognized. And which confirmed that her request was not, in any way, spur of the moment.

"I started taking these three months ago. I've been taking them religiously."

"To say I'm surprised is an understatement."

"Why? I would have done that before we had our betrothal ceremony because I wouldn't want to get pregnant between our betrothal and our wedding!"

I nodded, "That makes sense, of course."

"But there's another very important reason," she said, blushing slightly. "I want to feel you when you're inside me, and I want you to feel me, and I want to feel your seed in me, even if it's not making a baby."

"Who are you, and what did you do with Deacon Vasily's daughter?" I asked with a silly grin.

"You mean the girl who told you when she was fifteen what she wanted to do with you? Her? She's sitting right next to you. But now she's eighteen. And she's decided that she doesn't want to wait for a decision which might never come."

"And the promise she extracted from me to NOT do that, no matter what she said?"

"Exists only in your mind at this point, Mishka."

"You said you didn't know what you would do. I think you've thought about it and have some ideas."

"I don't have someone in mind, but obviously, I'd have to think about how I would meet someone. I don't like any of the other young men at Holy Transfiguration."

I chuckled, "Liz said something about that to me earlier today."

"That the girls were jealous that I had your attention?"

"Something like that," I grinned. "Liz was her usual «некультурный» (nekulturny) self." ("vulgar")

"She said they all would go to bed with you for a chance to date you?" she asked mirthfully.

"More or less."

"Do you know why?"

"I'd be interested in hearing YOUR reasons for thinking that."

"Oh, I don't think it, I know it. First, everyone is sure you're going to be a successful doctor. Second, everyone is sure you're going to stay faithful, go to church, and raise your children Orthodox. Third, you honor Russian traditions just the right amount. Fourth, you are nice-looking and in good shape. Fifth, you are a very nice, polite, «культурный» (kulturny) man. And sixth, which I know, but they can only guess, you are a very good kisser! I'm assuming the rest beyond that, but I can't imagine those other girls go to bed with you because you are terrible at it!"

I smiled, "I suppose there IS only one way to find out the answer to that question."

I saw Deacon Vasily's car coming down the street, which meant our conversation had to end.

"There's your dad," I said before she could respond. "Could I have some time to think?"

"Obviously, unless you're willing to ask my dad if we can skip dinner and my party so we can make love all night!"

"And exactly what do you think his reaction would be?"

"He might be a bit upset," she smirked.

"To say the least!"

The car pulled into the driveway, and the garage opened, and Deacon Vasily pulled the family Volvo into the garage. Tasha and I stood up and waited for Deacon Vasily, Matushka Alexandra, and Sasha to come from the garage to the front door, and then all of us went into the house. Deacon Vasily went upstairs to remove his cassock, and I followed Tasha and Sasha into the kitchen.

"Mischa, would you help Tasha set the table, please? Sasha and I will finish preparing dinner. The roast should be done, so we'll probably eat in about ten minutes."

"Of course," I replied.

Tasha and I set the table, and almost exactly ten minutes after her parents and sister had arrived home, we sat down at the dinner table. Dinner was a very tasty pot roast with carrots and potatoes, and dessert was a double-fudge cake with fudge icing and hot fudge. Tasha loved chocolate and took every opportunity to basically OD on it. Which led to the bizarre image of pouring fudge sauce over our bodies and enjoying licking it off!

I did my best to keep a straight face after that thought, but I wasn't sure how good of a job I did. Of course, eating cake and ice cream and drinking coffee helped, as everyone was happily enjoying their dessert. Then I had an even crazier idea — fudge-covered cherry! That image caused a reaction, but fortunately, it was under the table. I reproved myself because the talk with Tasha had sent my mind on a journey which had a VERY specific destination — a destination I wasn't sure was wise to travel towards but was oh so tempting.

"Thank you for dinner and dessert, Matushka," I said after wiping my mouth with the cloth napkin.

"You're welcome, Subdeacon Michael. Tasha, you two may go to the sitting room while we clean up. We'll join you with presents in a bit."

Tasha and I got up from the table, and fortunately, the blood had flowed out almost as quickly as it had flowed in, and nothing was obvious. We went into the sitting room and sat on the loveseat.

"Why were you fighting so hard to control a smirk?" Tasha asked.

"Nothing, really," I said evenly. "Just an image of you and me covered with fudge ... and licking it off."

Tasha blushed slightly and laughed, "You are VERY «некультурный» (nekulturny)!" ("improper")

"Oh, and our conversation before wasn't?" I asked.

"Perhaps," she said with a soft laugh. "So, you're tempted?"

"Of course I am, Jezebel!" I teased.

Tasha smacked me hard on the arm and said sternly, "Mishka! That's mean!"

"Sorry," I grinned.

"But you like teasing this way, don't you? Rather than being prim and proper?"

I nodded, "I do."

"Which is not how you were before. I like the changes since you went away. I know that might sound strange because I was afraid you would change, but I've changed, too. And I'm glad we both have."

"Me, too," I said.

"So?"

I took a deep breath and let it out.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea. Let me think about it, please."

"You're going to talk to Clarissa about it, as you do everything, aren't you?"

"Busted," I sighed.

"She's your closest friend, right?"

I nodded, "Yes."

"And male friends?"

"Pete, Jason, and Clark. And I think I made a new friend, José, who plays guitar. We played together last night."

"But you'll get your advice from Clarissa?"

I grinned, "I believe I know exactly what Jason, Pete, and Clark would say!"

They'd quote the Devil on Pinto's shoulder in Animal House; that's what they'd say! But Tasha hadn't seen the movie and wouldn't understand the reference.

"If it's what I think, I agree!"

"Are you REALLY sure, Tasha? It's not something you can undo."

She nodded, "I'm sure, Mishka. I want you to be the one who makes me a woman, no matter what happens in the future."