Chapter 1: I Haven’t Got the Foggiest Idea

While this story was inspired by actual persons and events, certain characters, characterizations, incidents, locations, and dialog were fictionalized or invented for the purposes of dramatization.

May 27, 1983, West Monroe, Ohio

"Come in, Mike," Mrs. Mills said when she opened the door.

"Thanks, Mrs. Mills."

She led me into the living room and offered me a soft drink. I asked for a Coke, which she brought me, along with a Sprite for herself.

"How did your semester go?" she asked.

"Good," I said. "I should have straight A's."

"So you're home for the Summer now?"

"I'm actually going to stay in McKinley and be an RA, as well as work in a store there."

"Not the hardware store?"

I shook my head, "No. This actually works out a bit better financially, and I'm very involved at the church in McKinley."

She nodded, "So, what did you want to talk to me about? Jocelyn?"

"Yes. I spoke to a counselor who advised me to basically explain to you as best I could how I hurt Jocelyn, and hope that Jocelyn will listen to you so that she and I can at least talk."

"You hurt Jocelyn? I can't believe that, Mike."

"Oh, I did!" I sighed. "May I tell you the story?"

Mrs. Mills nodded, and I began telling her about Jocelyn and me, starting with our repressed feelings at fourteen and working my way through the accident and to our break-up.

"Fundamentally," I concluded, "I treated her as someone who wasn't worthy of my love and attention the way she needed it because she couldn't have my kids. As the counselor I talked to put it, I treated her like a newspaper which had been used to line a birdcage."

"I'm not sure what to say, Mike. I don't think you set out to mislead her."

"I didn't, but my actions communicated that the only value she had to me was, well, as a broodmare, I guess. The message I sent was that if she couldn't have my babies, I didn't want to spend my life with her. I'm sorry I did that. I'm not sure there's anything at all I can do to fix it, but I need to try. All I'd like is a chance to tell her how sorry I am and to do whatever I can to atone for how badly I've treated her."

"She's not right, Mike," Mrs. Mills sighed. "There is something very wrong with her, but she insists that there isn't. Her grades are fine, and she's taking care of herself, so there really isn't anything we can do, if you know what I mean."

"I do," I sighed. "All I can ask you to do is let her know how sorry I am and that I realize how badly I've hurt her. And if she's willing to talk to me, I'll listen to anything she has to say."

"I'll try, Mike. I really can't believe how quickly things disintegrated between the two of you when you were inseparable for years."

"It's my fault," I replied.

"I don't believe that, Mike. And you shouldn't either."

"Mrs. Mills, if taking complete responsibility gets Jocelyn to talk to me, I'm happy to do it. I know I've made grave mistakes. Whether she's made mistakes or not is totally irrelevant."

"How can I reach you?"

"I'll give you the number for the dorm; I'll be in room 200 for the Summer, then room 800 once the Fall semester begins. You can also leave a message at my house. When will she be home?"

"Late tomorrow afternoon."

"OK. I'll be in West Monroe until Sunday evening. Thanks for listening."

"You're welcome, Mike. We really like you and hope things can work out."

"Please don't make that the point of your conversation, Mrs. Mills. Please just make it about my mistakes."

"I'll do my best."

"Thanks."

I finished my Coke, thanked her again, and then headed home.

"Mikey!" Liz gushed, jumping up from the couch to hug me.

"Hi, Liz," I chuckled, dropping my bag and hugging her.

"Why are you laughing?" she asked, loosening what had been a death grip.

"I was just thinking about how you used to respond to me being here."

"Yeah, well," she laughed softly. "I've changed my opinion."

"I'm glad."

She released me, and I took my bag up to my room, then came back down to the living room to sit with her.

"What's the plan for tonight?" I asked.

"How about Lou's in Rutherford? I feel like Italian. I take it you're OK with Return of the Jedi?"

"Are you KIDDING?" I laughed. "Duh! I figured you girls would want to see Breathless because of Richard Gere."

"Mindy and I would, but Maggie didn't want to see it because it's supposedly very sexy."

"Not exactly a movie I want to see with my sister," I chuckled.

Liz laughed, "Whatever! It's no big deal."

"So Maggie is OK with Star Wars?" I asked.

"Yes. The other option was Blue Thunder, but Star Wars is something all four of us are cool with."

"How was Mindy's Prom?"

"Bobby didn't get what he was after," Liz laughed. "Talk about messing up a sure thing!"

"What did he do?"

"Brought a flask and got drunk and stupid. Mindy ended up getting a ride home from another girl."

"Talk about a way to ruin a potentially VERY good night!" I said, shaking my head.

"Mindy is spending the night," Liz smirked. "I think she needs to work off some excess energy she has saved up!"

"You and Mindy?" I smirked. "Who knew?"

"Gross, Mikey!" Liz said, but she was laughing.

"You know Mom and Dad will have a fit if they find out."

"Mom won't care! Well, she will, but only insofar as it upsets Dad, and she has to deal with it."

"How are things with you and Mom?"

"Good."

"And your grades?"

"A's and B's. I take it you had all A's?"

"I'm confident, yes," I replied. "I would have had to really mess up an exam to miss straight A's."

"Are you seeing Tasha and Janey?"

"I didn't make plans with either of them. Clarissa suggested I don't start dating Janey again."

"Interesting. Why?"

"Bottom line? Tasha figured out I was sleeping with Janey and called me out."

"Oh, please! If Tasha won't put out, it's not YOUR fault!"

"It's not that simple. Clarissa's point is that going out with Janey again would mean writing off Tasha, and I'm not prepared to do that."

Liz shook her head, "Tasha has you totally whipped, and you aren't even married to her!"

"She does not!"

"You're right, it's worse! Pussy whipped with no pussy!"

"I dated Janey behind Tasha's back, then rubbed Tasha's nose in it!"

"Bullshit, Mikey!"

"Just let it go, please," I asked with a small sigh. "It's more complicated than you realize."

"How is it complicated? You've obviously decided to marry Tasha, so why not just ask her? I think it's a dumb idea, but you obviously don't."

"That's just it," I protested, "I haven't decided anything! I don't WANT to decide right now. The problem is, I have to make a decision which most likely closes off one of those two. And I think, given everything else, that Clarissa is correct that Tasha is the better choice of the two."

"Everything else?"

"Angie is coming back to Taft in a week for Summer session."

"So? First of all, she's nuts! And second, she didn't care you were dating other girls. There's something else. Something important you aren't telling me."

"It's complicated."

"More than me and Paul?"

I chuckled, "In some ways, yes; in others, no. I told you that Clarissa and I are soulmates, even though she's a lesbian."

"But you'll never be able to sleep with her."

"Jocelyn and I were soulmates without sleeping together. In fact, in a way, sleeping together is what caused all the problems."

"I swear if you two weren't so nerdy and 'goody-two-shoes' and had just fucked when you were fourteen, you'd be engaged and ready to marry as soon as you could afford it!"

"Well, we didn't, and here we are, not even speaking to each other BECAUSE we had sex."

"I call bullshit on that, too! The accident messed her up. That's what caused the problems."

"No, I messed her up by telling her she was worthless if she couldn't have my kids."

"There is NO WAY you said that to her! I know you too well!"

"Not those exact words, but things I said and things I did. And the REALLY dumb part is that I had advice from two counselors and blew it off. I went to Milford last week and saw Doctor Mercer; you know one of the counselors who helped us with Family Services? I told her everything, and she's the one who pointed out what I'd done. She called me a, and I quote, 'Grade-A idiot'."

"I didn't need a graduate degree in psychology to figure THAT out!" Liz teased.

"Love you too," I said sarcastically. "But that's why I was at Jocelyn's house earlier — to tell her mom what I'd done and ask her to try again to get Jos to talk to me."

"Jesus, Mikey! You're punishing yourself for having sex with Jocelyn! Tasha? No sex. Angie? No sex. Clarissa? Obviously, no sex! Maggie? Same thing if you ask HER out. THAT'S the real reason you want to break it off with Janey! You're afraid that having sex with a girl you love will wreck everything! You can bang Mindy or Kristin because you know they're just fucking because they enjoy it!"

Actually, nothing about my relationship with Clarissa was 'obvious' except for the fact that we were intimate friends. But I couldn't reveal the things I'd spoken about with Clarissa to Liz.

"And Becky?" I asked.

"You haven't seen her since Christmas. If I know you, you'll either break things off, avoid seeing her, or stop having sex. Jesus, Mikey, get a fucking grip! It's just sex!"

"Says my little sister, who has sworn off sex with anyone except Paul."

"That's TOTALLY different!" she insisted. "I'm engaged to him!"

"Engaged?"

"I told you we're going to marry as soon as possible! His wife divorced him, so there's nothing in the way once he gets out of prison. If YOU were engaged, would YOU be fucking anyone except maybe your fiancée?"

"Obviously not."

"So you can't compare my situation to yours. I know you've had sex with a bunch of girls, so I just don't get why you're so hung up about it at this point! I thought you were past that part of the BS they fed you at church."

"You do realize my life would actually have been a lot calmer and a lot simpler to manage if I'd actually followed that teaching, right? I wouldn't BE in this predicament."

"And you'd still be the 'goody-two-shoes' nerd who I couldn't talk to about important stuff! And boring, to boot!"

"You think people who don't have sex are boring?"

"You sure were! You were too much like Dad. Well, I thought Mom was like that, too, but I guess not."

The slight smirk and twinkle in Liz's eye hinted strongly that Mom had revealed some things to her, though I had no idea what Mom had said nor how much detail she might have shared.

"Let's assume all of that is correct; why would I keep seeing Janey? She acted as if we were steady while at the same time refusing to talk about our relationship."

"But she came to McKinley to talk to you, right?"

"Yes. And I told her I needed time to think about it and suggested we speak after the exams. I'm curious, why do you think I should choose Janey over Tasha, if I could only have a chance with one of them?"

Liz was quiet for a moment before she answered.

"I don't know for sure; maybe because of Tasha's dad? I guess I just see her being too much like him."

I shook my head, "I don't think so, at least not based on what she's said. I do think once she's out from under his thumb, she'll change. Well, actually, she won't change so much as she'll change her behavior."

"I guess I don't see it. I think Sasha is like that, but not Tasha."

"Well, right now, I think it's in my own best interest to not start dating Janey again."

"Is ANY girl Orthodox enough for you? I mean, besides Tasha?"

I shrugged, "I don't know. That's part of what I'm trying to figure out. And I'm not sure Janey truly understands what it means to date clergy."

"Oh, give me a fucking break!" Liz growled. "Please tell me you aren't falling for THAT bullshit! It's nobody's business if you want to kiss, or hug, or hold hands! Or fuck if you want to do that! Jesus, Mikey! We don't live in a monastery!"

"Look how much trouble I got into because I kissed Janey in public. I signed up for this when I agreed to be ordained. Tasha understands what it means and won't cross any lines which would get me in trouble."

"She won't cross any lines, period!"

"Liz, you don't know her," I grinned. "She's not like you think."

"Oh, really? Do tell!"

"You know I can't. Can we just drop this? Please?"

"Sure," Liz agreed.

"Are we picking up Mindy and Maggie, or are they coming here?"

"Picking them up about 5:00pm so we can eat and make the 7:10pm show."

"I'm going to go take a shower and unpack."

I got up from the couch and headed upstairs. I got my bathroom kit from my bag, grabbed a fresh towel from the linen closet, then went into the bathroom. I took a quick shower, dried off, wrapped my towel around me, and went back to my room to dress. Once I was dressed, I unpacked my bag, then went back downstairs so that Liz and I could leave to pick up Mindy and Maggie.

We headed to Mindy's house first, and before she got into the back seat, she came to the driver's window to get a kiss, which I gave her after quickly checking that nobody was around to see. We picked up Maggie a few minutes later, then headed towards Rutherford.

"Maggie," I asked, "what did you think of the church service?"

"That was maybe the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life! So, you're like a pastor now?"

Liz broke out laughing, "Right! My brother? A priest? SUUURRREEE!"

"Ignore her!" I said, but I was laughing as well. "No, I'm not a pastor. The pastor is the priest, the one who was wearing the cloak-like garment. The next down is the deacon, the one who was dressed similarly to me but wore his stole draped rather than in an 'X' and who had cloth cuffs. Then comes subdeacon, which is my rank, and then reader, which is what I was before. Obviously, the bishop, the one in the crown, is the highest rank."

"So what does a subdeacon do?"

"Pretty much what you saw me do — assist the bishop or, if he's not there, the priest. At some point, I'll probably be assigned to teach Sunday School or catechism class."

"Catechism?"

"Teaching people interested in the church about what we believe."

"We call that an inquirer's class. Do you say the same prayers every week? It sounds like you do."

"Some, yes; some, no."

"And you have Communion every week?"

"At every Divine Liturgy, and there can be more than one in a week. It's the main point of going to church."

"Not to hear the Scriptures?"

"Of course, to hear the Scriptures, and that's important, but not as important as the Eucharist. I take it you heard the readings and all the other Scriptures that were read or sung."

"But the sermon was short and didn't teach from the Bible!"

"The bishop spoke about Jonah and how we can apply that story to our lives."

"No, I mean he didn't teach from the specific passage from the Gospel that was read."

"Does it really matter? He was teaching from the Bible. And even if he didn't read a specific passage first, his homily would be about how to live our lives as Christians. If you want more teaching, you can go to Sunday School. But now I think we're boring Mindy and Liz. What are you guys doing this Summer?"

"Working at Sears," Mindy replied. "I start on Tuesday. I worked there part-time last Summer, too."

"Teaching at Vacation Bible School, then going on a mission trip to Mexico," Maggie said.

"Mission trip?" I asked.

"Uhm, to, uhm, teach the Bible to Catholics."

"You don't believe they're Christians, do you?"

"Uhm ... err ... uhm, not according to my pastor."

I wanted to roll my eyes but refrained from doing so. I also didn't want to get into an argument, so I decided to change the subject.

"Well, forget that for now. How long is your trip."

"Three weeks."

"Do you speak Spanish?"

"I've taken three years, so I'm OK at it, I guess. I'll find out for sure in July!"

"I'm good at French," Mindy said impishly.

"I BET you are," Liz replied.

In the rearview mirror, I saw Maggie roll her eyes and shake her head, but she was smiling.

"Maggie, how strict are your parents?" I asked.

"Why?"

"I'm just curious."

"You mean, like, am I allowed to date?"

"I suppose that's a good way to explain it."

"I'm allowed to date, but the first date has to be dinner at my house so my mom and dad can meet the guy, and I have to be home by 11:00pm."

"And he has to be a Christian?" I asked, knowing it would make a significant point.

"Obviously!"

"Your definition or mine?" I asked with a grin, which she could see in the rearview mirror.

Maggie sagged back slightly in her seat and frowned.

I'd put her in an uncomfortable position earlier where she'd already admitted she didn't think Roman Catholics were Christians, and now she was going to have to say that I wasn't. And that appeared to be something she didn't want to do. The problem was, I knew the answer, and I was sure she knew that I knew.

"Mine, obviously," she said quietly after a minute or so of discomfort.

"And you are in a position to judge my heart? Simply because of how I worship?"

"Mike, could you have this conversation another time, please?" Mindy asked.

"Sure. Sorry, girls; that kind of went a different direction than I expected it to. I promise no more religion talk tonight."

We arrived in Rutherford a few minutes later, and when we were shown to a booth, Mindy sat next to me, and Liz sat across from me, next to Maggie. We ordered our soft drinks and then looked over the menus. A few minutes later, we placed our orders.