Chapter 15: Zeno’s Paradox

July 23, 1983, McKinley, Ohio

Just as I had when Nancy told me that her mom had put her on the Pill, I missed a shift due to being completely surprised by Maggie's question. I recovered enough to find the correct gear and willed my heart to stop beating rapidly. The silence was deafening, but I needed to think about how I could answer her question. I wasn't sure I knew the answer, but saying that seemed lame in the extreme.

Almost immediately, I realized that I really shouldn't have been surprised. This had been Maggie's endgame from the get-go. I'd known that, at least subconsciously, from the beginning and should have been prepared for her to ask what was, ultimately, an obvious question. The problem was I didn't have an obvious and acceptable answer to give her, and I didn't know when I would. I had to say something, and I could, at least, point out the obvious.

"I think, at a minimum, you would have to be a catechumen," I replied. "If you weren't, it could cause significant problems with my bishop."

"I suppose I should have realized that was a bright red line," Maggie replied. "Could you even go steady with someone who wasn't Orthodox or a catechumen?"

"I could, but it probably wouldn't be a good idea because, to me, that implies a commitment to move forward. Not a guarantee, mind you, but a serious commitment. And I couldn't make that kind of commitment without the girl being serious about becoming Orthodox. My girlfriend from my Senior Year kind of showed me the problem with doing that."

"April Nash?" Maggie asked.

"Yes. Do you know her?"

"Sure. She was one grade ahead of your sister and me, right?"

"Yes."

"I was really surprised to find out she had a baby!"

"I think a lot of people were surprised when she got pregnant, me included. But that was after she and I broke up."

"Because of church, right?"

"Yes."

"So that's a necessary step but not sufficient."

"I don't know the answer to the rest of the question. I suppose you graduating High School is important."

"To even get engaged?"

"What would your dad say? Or would you plan to keep it hidden?"

"He'd flip out completely, but no, I wouldn't keep it hidden."

"And I suspect he'd make it difficult, if not impossible, for you to come to see me while he tried to convince you that you were making the biggest mistake of your life."

"Life isn't fair!" Maggie groused.

"Not since the Garden of Eden, anyway," I replied.

"OK, so once I graduate, then what?"

"I think that gives us eight or nine months to see what happens."

Maggie sighed, "I don't like that. I don't like having to sneak out to see you. I don't like that I can't have you come to my house for dinner."

"I'm not sure what to say about that," I replied. "You've made it pretty clear that your dad will never approve."

"I wonder if Karl might be able to help. He's home until next weekend. What if we came to meet you for dinner during the week? Our treat?"

"I'd like to meet him, actually. Is he on leave?"

"Until August 15th. He's assigned to a base near Chicago, working for the Judge Advocate General Corps. After this leave, he'll go out on a ship for six months. What day would be good?"

"Any, actually. Well, Wednesday is Vespers, so I'd prefer not that day."

"OK. Maybe Tuesday?"

"Sure."

"I'll have Karl call you, if that's OK?"

"It is."

"Uhm, where am I going to change for church?"

"That's a good question. You can't come upstairs at the dorm because you aren't eighteen. Let's take a quick detour and see if either my friend Milena or her mom is home. If one of them is, I'm sure they'll let you change there and shower if you want."

I made a turn and drove to Milena's house. She was home and quickly agreed that Maggie could change there. We drove back to campus, got Maggie's bag from her car, then drove back to Milena's house. Maggie took a quick shower and changed, and then we went back to the dorm. Maggie waited in the lobby while I took a quick shower and changed.

We had time before Angie would join us, so we sat in the lobby to talk.

"Remember, I have to serve in the altar tonight," I replied.

"It just dawned on me that we'd never be able to worship together as a family."

"We'd have to BE a family first," I replied with a smile. "But it's true we couldn't stand together except on very rare occasions."

"I'm not sure I like that, especially with kids."

"You'll notice the kids sort of roam free during the services, so long as they're quiet and not disruptive. And oftentimes the little ones will sit with someone other than a parent. I used to stand or sit by my grandpa. Does your pastor's wife stand or sit with him?"

"When he's not preaching, yes. They sit in the front row, and he goes up to the podium. That's true for the associate pastor and others who pray or lead music."

"There really isn't a time when that can happen during our services, except during the homily, as the priest and deacon work together the whole time, and I handle things such as preparing the censer, supervising the acolytes, and so on. I guess it's just something I'm used to, having grown up with it. Is that going to be a problem?"

"In the larger scheme of things? No. It was something I realized when you mentioned helping with the service."

"Also, sometimes I'll have to go to different churches when the bishop asks. That doesn't happen too often, but sometimes he'll need a subdeacon to fill in if the one who usually travels with him is unavailable. And sometimes, I'll have to serve at the Cathedral in Columbus."

"That's really different from how we do things."

"I think you'll be able to say that with regard to just about anything we do!"

Angie came down at the appropriate time, and we headed to church. Father Nicholas hadn't arrived, so I spent some time explaining everything in the nave to Maggie. She'd read about it in the books I'd given her, but I could answer her questions in a more personal way, and seeing everything helped her understand far better than just reading. When Father Nicholas arrived, I introduced her, as I couldn't remember if they'd actually spoken at my ordination.

"Another non-Orthodox girl who is considering the Church?" he asked quietly when we went to the vestry.

"Yes."

"This one is an evangelical Protestant, right?"

"Yes."

"Perhaps you should stay single for a while, Subdeacon Michael!" he laughed. "You're bringing a good number of converts and inquirers! Are you still seeing Natalya Vasilyevna?"

"Yes, and she's aware I'm seeing Maggie. They're both High School Seniors, and both know I'm seeing others. I'm not ready to make a commitment just yet."

"I would suspect not, given you have many years before you complete your education."

"Actually, I think, if I find the right girl, we'll figure out how to manage being married before I complete medical school."

"Don't rush into anything, Michael."

"I won't."

Vespers went along as usual, and when the service was finished, Maggie and I dropped Angie at the dorm, then went to have dinner together. After we ate, we went back to campus, and I walked Maggie to her car. We exchanged a soft French kiss, but I broke it fairly quickly to head off a repeat of earlier.

"Tuesday?" she asked.

"Tuesday."

She got into her car, drove off, and I headed into the dorm where I found Angie sitting in the common area of the second floor. She had an odd look on her face but didn't say anything. She got up, followed me into my room, and I put on 1999 by Prince.

"You'd rather have her than me?" Angie asked.

I turned to face Angie, who was sitting on the couch, not quite sure how to answer that question.

"I thought you were OK with me going out with her?"

"I asked a legitimate question, Mike. I wasn't complaining about you seeing her. It was just how you act around her versus how you act around me."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You're loose and relaxed around her; you're stiff and tense around me. Well, when we're alone and not running."

"I guess I didn't notice."

"It's all part of what I was saying yesterday, Mike. No matter what you say, the way you act around me says I'm right about the situation. If we don't go to bed together soon, then we'll never be a couple."

"And if we do, there's an implied commitment."

"No," she shook her head, "there is not. I'm not asking for a commitment, Mike. Well, except to TRY. And you won't even try. It's so obvious from how you behaved with Maggie that I can't believe you don't see what I'm saying!"

"Ang, I hear what you're saying, but I don't think you really understand how this will affect you. Or affect me, for that matter."

"But don't you see, you've created a situation where there is no possible resolution! You won't go to bed with me because you think that would commit you to marrying me, but you won't think about marrying me because you're afraid I'll freak out about sex! There is no way to win! You're telling me I CAN'T be Mrs. Loucks, ever. You don't think I'm over my problems with intimacy. That means we can't move forward until I prove I'm ready, but you say I can't try to prove I'm ready until we move forward!"

She might have a reasonable point, but Tasha had put me in an EXTREMELY difficult position. If I did what Angie was asking, I'd have to either lie to Tasha and break my most recent promise, or tell her the truth and break my original promise. Angie certainly felt as if SHE was in a trap, but I was in a similar one — if I lied to Tasha, that was a sign it was over; if I told her the truth, I'd be committing to her.

The bottom line, which Angie had no way of knowing, was that if I did what SHE was asking, I'd end up steady with Tasha. There was simply no other way it could end. And that meant I had to decide immediately between Tasha and Angie. I wondered if Angie sensed that in some way, particularly because I felt going to bed with her was tantamount to a commitment, if not to marry, to at least move purposefully in that direction.

"It's not that simple," I replied. "In fact, it's actually way more complicated."

"How? I'm not asking you to commit to ANYTHING other than going to bed together and hopefully making each other feel really good in the process."

"Because, in the end, it means I have to decide, pretty much immediately, between you and Tasha."

"How so? One more time," she said, becoming strident, "I AM NOT ASKING YOU FOR A COMMITMENT OF ANY KIND!"

"Even if I accept that as true," I replied gently, "I made promises to Tasha which I would either have to break or keep. And keeping one of them is a subtle trap."

"How so?"

"It's complicated," I replied. "It started when I was seeing Janey and Tasha, and by being what can only be described as a «глупец» (glupys), I caused a 'catfight' between them, and when Janey and I broke up, Tasha agreed to see me again on condition that I not date anyone from either Holy Transfiguration or Saint Michael the Archangel. I agreed because, at that point, Katy and I had already broken up, and you weren't here."

"What's that word?"

"Blockhead."

"Apt," Angie said flatly, without a hint of teasing.

"I know."

"But you went out on a date with me."

"Only after I spoke with Tasha," I said.

"What?!" she gasped, interrupting me. "You asked PERMISSION to go out with me?"

"I made a promise to Tasha, based at least in part on you rebuffing every single advance I had made in the past. There was, in my mind, zero chance of you going out with me when I made the promise not to date anyone at either church except Tasha. And there were conditions on changing the promise."

"That you wouldn't go to bed with me," Angie declared, giving me a dirty look.

"On the contrary, I am completely free to do that if I choose."

"Huh?"

"Tasha's condition was that anything I do with you, I do with her."

Angie laughed, "Uhm, doesn't that like work in your favor? You can have both of us?"

"I could. But being with Tasha WOULD be a commitment in her mind, which would mean I went to bed with you under false pretenses. If I WERE to go to bed with you, I'd either have to break up with Tasha or commit to marrying her. THAT is the subtle trap."

"I think I have my answer," she said, getting up from the couch.

"Ang..."

"No. You'll never be able to see me as anything other than a potential meltdown. It's now or never, Mike. You choose."

"That's just it," I replied. "It doesn't have to be! I said we can take it slowly!"

She shook her head, "No, we can't. Like Atalanta in Zeno's Paradox, we'll never reach the end of the path."

She moved towards the door, and I had nothing left to say, so I let her walk out and pull the door shut behind her. I stood and looked at the door, wondering if I should go after her. I didn't know what else I could say or what I could do. After a few seconds of thought, I realized there was one thing I could do — call Clarissa.

"Petrovich! How are you?"

"Not good," I replied with a deep sigh.

"Oh, for Pete's sake! We only spoke a few hours ago! I can't leave you alone for a second! Now what?"

"Angie. And you said I should call you if I needed you!"

"I did. What happened?"

"I think I need to tell you about Tasha, then about Maggie and Angie."

"Maggie figures into this?"

"Yes, of course."

I told her what had happened since we'd spoken earlier in the day, starting with my talk with Tasha, then my date with Maggie, and then the talk with Angie.

Clarissa laughed softly, "You have the chance to do what I said!"

"And you think that's a wise plan?"

"No, but it would be a GUY'S fantasy plan! Well, most guys. With you, it would probably cause a complete meltdown."

"So that idea is off the table," I said flatly.

"Did Angie offer to share any details of her struggles with you? You don't have to tell me the details, just whether she did or not."

"No."

"A reason to be cautious. Did you ask her?"

"I guess I don't feel it's my place. She's convinced that if we try to take it slowly, we'll never get there, like Zeno's examples of Atalanta or the arrow."

"Our friend Zeno needed to invent calculus or speak to Archimedes about geometric and infinite series," Clarissa replied. "But I get her meaning. And she's right. But so are you. The ONLY way to move forward with her is slowly. You'd have to be a complete «говнюк» (govnyuk) to go to bed with her now."

I laughed, "Where did you learn THAT word? I know I didn't say it!"

"A girl has to have her secrets," Clarissa laughed. "Did I say it right? And does it mean 'shithead'?"

"Yes, and yes."

"Mike, you know more about Milena's past than you do Angie's. That should tell you something very important."

"It does."

"Heck, you know more about Maggie than you do, Angie, I think."

"Because there is nothing to know! Maggie goes to a church where your first kiss is supposed to be at the altar!"

"Oh God, no! I didn't realize they were THAT fanatical!"

"She's not, but I told you what her dad wants her to do — go to some Bible college in Michigan to learn how to be a pastor's wife and find a husband who is going to be a pastor."

"And think about the steps she's taking, Mike. Rejecting her entire worldview and defying her parents? I know Angie converted and is faithful, but her move from being Roman Catholic seems almost logical. Maggie is turning her entire world upside down for you."

"Which concerns me," I replied. "She could be doing all of this and ending up with nothing."

"A mind freed from the insanity that is belief in literal seven-day creation? A literal world-encompassing flood? Dinosaurs living a few thousand years ago? And never kissing the man you intend to marry until you get to the altar? I've probably kissed more guys than most girls in her church, and I've only kissed you!"

"I read somewhere that evangelicals lose their virginities at about the same average age as the rest of the population."

"You and I were late, according to averages."

"Despite my best efforts to avoid that," I groused good-naturedly.

"Funny thing, Petrovich — from what I can tell when you stopped TRYING to get laid, you got all the action you could handle."

"Oh, SHUT UP!" I said with a laugh.

"It sounds to me as if your bad mood was self-inflicted because you feel like a heel, or whatever, for the situation with Angie. But you didn't DO anything, Mike. Well, except ask her out. She's the one who decided it had to be her way or the highway."

"Which still doesn't make any sense to me because I offered to try."

"Neither of you trust each other, Mike. That's the core problem."

"I suppose," I sighed. "But I still feel as if I've done something wrong."

"No, wrong would have been to go to bed with her without understanding the source of her problems."

"True. I just hope she's OK."

"She has to be responsible for herself, Mike. You made the right decision. In fact, you were decisive, just as you were with Tasha's dad and with Janey. That's good, Petrovich. Very good, in fact. A year ago, you would have been paralyzed with indecision. Or been totally stupid and taken her to bed. You're learning. Slowly, but you ARE learning. So now what?"

"I'll see Maggie on Tuesday and Tasha on Sunday. Other than that, it's just work and karate."

"What do you think Angie will do about running and karate?"