E1: Sofie Turner and Maisie Williams

We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at yachts, stately country estates, packed concert venues, paparazzi flashing pictures of a star as they step out of a limousine for a red carpet affair, the BBC documentary title appears “The United Kingdom of Zoo” and then the logo “Celebrity Edition” is slapped on the bottom.

The first episode takes place in picturesque Bristol, England. Bristol is a city straddling the River Avon in the southwest of England with a prosperous maritime history. Its former city-centre port is now a cultural hub, the Harbourside, where the M Shed museum explores local social and industrial heritage. The harbour’s 19th-century warehouses now contain colorful restaurants and shops. The first shot opens up on a narrow quay at the ornate Arnolfini gallery.

An occasional hipster elite walks past, but this seems like an ordinary Tuesday afternoon in late September for Bristol with nothing unusual happening outside.

“Welcome back to the United Kingdom of Zoo. I’m Charley Ozvik, and I’ve traveled all around the country, looking for dirty ladies with dirty secrets, and helping them all cum ... Come true, that is...” She smiles at her little joke. “When we began this show we weren’t sure if we would find enough volunteers willing to be filmed in the nude having sex with animals. As the show has grown in popularity, we were shocked to have more applicants than we can film in a single season. We’ve had a growing amount of interest from Celebrities in participating in the documentary series. This is our first episode of Celebrity edition, and I am excited to bring you inside this gallery that is most notable for the Arnolfini portrait painted in the 14th Century. Let’s cum inside, shall we?” she walks the camera crew into the gallery.

The gallery has been closed for the film crew’s arrival. Directly, under the medieval painting of a merchant and his wife are two of the stars from HBO’s popular series “Game of Thrones.” They are wearing white robes while last-minute touches are being added to a viewing podium and two white huskies are having their front paws duct-taped by their handlers.

The red-haired, tall and lanky beauty Sofie Turner appears bored and is tapping her phone idly. She smiles demurely and snaps a photo for Instagram and adds “Just about to get my phreak on for the BBC” to the caption.

The girl sitting next to her has an impish smirk and great big eyes. Maisie Williams is engaging the production assistant about what he is doing later and flirting coyly.

Charley interviews the attractive French gallery director first. She introduces herself as Muriel Montosse. She is blonde, has huge knockers, and is well-tanned. She speaks only with a slight accent and while very mature is still quite beautiful. Muriel exudes a kind of open sexuality.

Charley asks her why the Arnolfini museum as a venue.

“We were excited about the prospect of hosting the first episode of the Celebrity series. It brings much-needed exposure to the arts and the long-standing tradition of animal sex for sport and amusement. You may not discover that in the history pages of your British school books,” the director offers a knowing smile.

“It sounds like you have some first-hand experience,” Charley asks.

“Ya, in the late 1970s I was in some movies some of your older viewers may remember. At the time, I was young, dumb, and full of cum. I would fuck anyone or anything anywhere! I would have fucked a sea lion if it had a hard dick. I came to eventually learn though that fucking horses and great mastiffs have been the sport of royalty and peasant alike in medieval times. As an example,” she waves her hand at the impressive painting being set up under the two celebrity participants in the series. The 1434 oil painting on oak panel by the Early Netherlandish painter Jan van Eyck. It forms a full-length double portrait, believed to depict the Italian merchant Giovanni di Nicolao Arnolfini and his wife, presumably in their home in the Flemish city of Bruges.

“Arnolfini’s wife was notably lecherous and not only bed all of her own sons, but all of her daughters as well. She was so insatiable that she began open displays of vulgarity in public to invite strangers to participate because she grew bored with her normal lovers. The pope threatened to excommunicate her husband. She was beaten and tortured by the Inquisition, but his wife only asked for more of their exquisite torture. It wasn’t until she was placed in a kennel with all-male dogs on kept on display at their manor home that she finally became sated. She lived out the last decade of her life with only animal lovers!”

“That is fascinating!” Charley thanks Muriel for the history lesson but notes that Sofie has become bored waiting for the camera’s attention.

“My apologies, I didn’t expect such a fascinating story from the director of the gallery,” Charley diplomatically approaches the two younger girls who are now ready to be filmed.

“Whatever,” Sofie rolls her bright blue eyes and pouts her pretty thin lips in disappointment like spoiled nobility.

“It’s all good,” Maisie smiles enthusiastically.

“So why have you both volunteered to be our subjects today?” Charley asks.

“We’ve been like real-life sisters for so long as we grew up on the set of Game of Thrones that I thought it would be a special treat to get banged next to my bestie, Sofie!” Maisie hugs Sofie, but Sofie shrugs it off without expressing an emotion other than boredom. She also explains that most people watched her grow up as a child on the tele and now she wants to show them she is a full grown woman that enjoys sex tremendously.

“My agent thought it would be good exposure and IDK,” Sofie shrugs as if she could care less.

“Don’t mind her, she loves a dare. You should have seen us on the set of Game of Thrones. We’d make out in front of the cast, and no one could believe the Stark girls were going down on one another because we aren’t supposed to like incest, but it was a helluva laugh!” Maisie reminisces.

Sofie shrugs “It wasn’t real. We aren’t really related,” Sofie reminds her friend.

“You are close, though?” Charlie asks.

“Close enough that if I asked her to kiss me on smack on the bum she would,” Maisie stands up and drops her robe. She reviles a lithe and nubile body. She is small but well proportioned with well-shaped boobs and a perfect butt. She points to her ass and smiles at Sofie.

“No thanks,” Sofie looks back at her phone.

“You are just being shy! What’s the harm in giving my salty asshole a kiss? You are about to shag a dog on the tele, for Pete’s sake!” Maisie is undaunted, and the camera pans around to get a good shot of the darkened crevice of her youthful, tight ass.

“I don’t know the dog, but I know where your ass has been,” Sofie says quite cattily.

“Aye, there is that! I’ve shagged three boys and one girl this morning before this! I am just enjoying being young and popular right now! Sewing me oats, if you know what I mean,” Maisie makes no real apology for her lustful behavior.

Twin white-maned huskies similar to the dire wolves featured on the Game of Thrones episodes are brought over to the viewing area on leashes by their handlers.

“Oh, I am so excited! They look just like Nymeria and Lady!” Maisie claps her hands and bounces naked excitedly.

“Lady was a girl dog,” Sofie gets off her stool and puts her phone down with a shrug.