Author’s note: Some of the dialogue must be read phonetically since I have tried to give the story the flavor of where it occurs. Say it out loud if necessary. Just think of the Beverly Hillbillies and you will catch on. If you can’t appreciate this then exit right now, please.

“Maw,” wailed Mary Sue, “Ah’m gonna be an old maid if Ah don’t find me a husband soon.”

“Hush now, daughter. It’s more important to be right then quick. Tell me what’s troublin yew,” said the 30-year-old woman whose daughter was just turning 16. “Tell me what yew done so fer.”

“Well Ah remember what yew said about yew always got a try something before yew buy it. But them boys that stuck their thangs in me weren’t hardly no good. Ah’ve done better with my own fingers then them tallywhacker’s done.”

Maw thunk on it a little bit and said, “Ah guess maybe yew need to try some ones what knows what they’re doin. Then yew can tell if’n yew come across a good one.” Her daughter was just a’listnen fer advice.

“Who might thet be?” was the next question from the young one.

“Mebby my brother would be interested. He ain’t gittin much raht now frum whut Ah hears. He were pritty good befur Ah got yer daddy.”

“See if’n he’ll try me. Ah thinks he’s nahce.”

[a week later]

“Yer bruther shewed me some thangs Ah never new cud be dun. It were fun. Thanks. Yew got anny more ideers?”

Maw thunk agin, “Hows about thet preacher man down in Kornshuk Holler. He’s gittin a repyewtashun amognst the wifes fer his pecker. Mebby he’d trah sum unmarried twitchet?”

[another week later]

“Maw. Thet preacher done thought he’d gone to heaven when he got his paws on my titties and almost went there when he shot his stuff in me. Ah wondered fer a bit if’n Ah had to call thet 911 thang. He wants to baptize me this Sunday sew when we does it Ah’m holy. Whut dew yer think?”

Maw wuz ready fer this one, “If’n yew don’t mind a man who will dip his thang in any woman thet will pull up her skirt then he’s the one fer yew. Ah must admit it is big and duz it purdy good. There maht be a few more of his babies around than yew lak though. Thet’s all Ah’m gonna say.”

“He fukked yew too?”

“Well Ah alles likes them big ones lahk he’s a’carryin.”

[Daughter is silent for a while]

“Mebby Ah’d better keep a’lookin. He done shewed me whut good fukkin is tho. Thet’s what Ah needed tew larn.”