Chapter 6: Bonnie Chancelor Friday Evening

Like I said last time this is all my own writing. I’m typing it into the computer and I’m going to get Jen to read it and tell me if there’s anything stupid but mostly it’s my own writing. I know how to use the spelling checker so hopefully I won’t get any words wrong but if I get some wrong then I’m sorry but I’m trying my best. And Jen says I still have to learn more about grammar so if you don’t like reading what I write ‘cause I don’t know enough grammar then I’m sorry about that too. Jen says I have a good vocabulary so that’s a good thing. And she says I write pretty well compared to even some of the older girls she mentors so that must be a good thing too.

I’m supposed to write out what happened on Friday evening but I kind of feel like I have to write about everything from the start of the day or it will sound stupid.

So I wake up on Friday morning and I’m grumpy because they didn’t let me stay up and get dressed up and join in with Jen’s nice dinner that they had when Dad got home from work. But at breakfast everyone is acting like they sat on an ants nest and Mum slept in the spare room so I knew something had happened but nobody tells me anything. So I ask Jen on the way to school and on the way back from school and it’s like putting together a jigsaw puzzle ‘cause she only gives me hints but I figure out that Mum had got Jen to ask Dad for sex.

I don’t know what to think about that ‘cause I really don’t know that much about sex even though Jen’s told me some stuff and Dad’s told me some stuff. It’s not like I’m old enough to do sex myself so what I know is more like satisfying my curiosity for when I’m older. But when I figure out that Jen wants to do sex with Dad I was kind of surprised but at the same time I wasn’t that surprised if you know what I mean ‘cause I’ve seen the way she looks at him. I am surprised that Jen has gone along with one of Mum’s crazy schemes ‘cause usually she lets it all roll over her and tells Mum she has to study and goes and hides in her room when Mum gets some wild idea. But this time Jen got sucked up into it all and I think maybe it was because she wanted it to happen and Jen tells me that she wasn’t thinking straight ‘cause of her hormones overtaking her and all that.

And Dad finally gets angry at Mum because Mum put him in a position where he hurt Jen’s feelings really bad and he really hates that. And I say finally but I think he was angry before but hiding it underneath. Not like me. When I get angry it kind of goes straight to the surface but Dad somehow keeps it all inside. So Dad wants him and Mum to sit down upstairs to sort things out ‘cause that’s what he likes to do when there’s a problem so Jen and me stay downstairs while Dad and Mum talk. Well that’s the plan anyway.

But we figured that the plan wasn’t working ‘cause all we could hear was Mum yelling all kinds of abuse at Dad and blaming him for everything. So we go upstairs and Mum is yelling at Dad and basically telling him he’s useless and so on. So Dad sees us watching and tells us that maybe he needs our help to get through to her – like, maybe if we all ganged up on her she would finally listen or something.

So I try to tell Mum that she should listen more but she doesn’t listen. Well that was a shocker but at least I tried. To make things worse she’s totally swearing at me. She even uses the f word not once but lots of times. So I sit there and I’m so mad at Mum that I could burst and I wanted to scream at her and scream at her about how much I hate her but for some reason I don’t.

I sit there and I think I wish I could make her shut up so that she has to listen and then I remember how a couple of times when we were yelling at each other Mum threatened to get the tape out and plaster it over my mouth so I would stop yelling. And I’m so mad that I decide to do that to her and see how she likes it. So I get the tape and I’m about to grab her and plaster tape over her mouth when I realise she’s going to reach up and tear it off as soon as I do it. So I tell Dad to grab her hands and he does that. Then I grab Mum’s head and slap the tape right across her mouth. Well that shuts her right up. I look at Dad and he looks kind of upset but it’s too late for that so I get Jen to help me and we tape her hands to her chair.

I know I said I was angry but now I’m having fun. An angry kind of fun. I finally get revenge for all the rotten things she did to me and then wouldn’t let me complain about them. So I wrap the tape around and around her body so she’s completely stuck to the chair and I feel so good that I want to jump up and down and yell. But I don’t yell but I do make all sorts of threats to stop her making noises through the tape.

But then I look at Dad and he’s kind of upset so my anger fizzles away and I sit down again and I don’t know what to say. But I have to say something or Dad will tell me to undo her and it will all have been a waste of time. So I tell her how I’m angry ‘cause she doesn’t listen and some other stuff that comes into my head while I’m talking. But mostly I’m sitting there and thinking that she doesn’t look like my Mum anymore. Then Jen takes over and tells us about how she’s feeling and she says what I’m thinking that she doesn’t deserve to be our mother.

Then Dad talks and he sounds really sad and he shows Mum (I mean Estelle) that he isn’t wearing his ring anymore ‘cause she broke all her promises and betrayed their marriage and Dad hates it when people break their promises.

Then Jen says that if she was wearing a ring that showed Estelle being her mother she would take it off too. And I say I agree and then we both pretend to take rings off our fingers and put them on the table and that was like saying Estelle was officially not our mother anymore. Not until we put our rings back on anyway. And I feel all this anxiety and anger fading away all of a sudden and I feel a lot better. It was kind of like a huge yawn makes you feel more relaxed inside but not really like that.

Then we start talking about kicking her out of the house and I suddenly feel sad and I get that I don’t really want to do that so we talk about it and we decide that Estelle should be treated like a sister. And I say she’s like a little sister because a big sister can still be bossy sometimes and I’m sick of her bossing me around.

And Dad tells her that she only has two choices. She can stay and go along with what’s happening or leave but she doesn’t want to leave so she nods to say she accepts it all.

And Dad acts like he’s about to finish again but I get real mad ‘cause Estelle said the f word and more than once and every time I say the f word I get five smacks on the bare bum and she’s my little sister so she should have the same rules so I make Dad do it and he does. And Estelle doesn’t even argue. She takes her clothes off and lies down on his lap and lets him smack her. And he even gives her three extra but I think that’s ‘cause she said it over and over. And Estelle yells out when he does it and her face is all red.

But that’s not the end ‘cause she always makes me stand and face the wall with my hands on my head after I’ve had my bottom smacked so I make Estelle do the same thing. And I’m there thinking that serves you right. Let’s see how you like it.

But then Dad reminds me that when I get my bottom smacked my big sister Jen always takes me to my room afterwards and rubs cream on my sore bum and talks to me until I stop being upset. And then he asks me what kind of big sister did I want to be. And that makes me feel all tied up inside ‘cause I want to be like Jen is but that means I have to be nice to Estelle even though I hate her. And then I sit there and I think about that and I think that I don’t really hate her but I wish she’d be nice all the time instead of only some of the time.

So Dad leaves to have a shower and Jen and I are sitting there at the table and Estelle is standing there facing the wall with her hands on her head and her red bum facing out into the room and nobody is saying anything. I’m starting to wonder how long I’m supposed to leave her there before I take her to her room so I’m thinking back to when it happened to me and I know it always felt like ages but I’m thinking it probably wasn’t that long.

Like I said at the start I’m typing this into the computer and Jen is going over it with me and she tells me she doesn’t want to fix everything but she decided she needed to start teaching me better grammar so she showed me how to do talking marks for when people are speaking so that it stands out better what they are saying. So now I have to redo the next bit with talking marks ‘cause she says the first time I wrote it was too confusing so here goes with my second time of writing it out.

So like I said I’m sitting there trying to think how long I should leave Estelle facing the wall before I take her to her room.

Jen says “You don’t have to do this. I can do it.”

I kind of sigh and shrug and then I say “It’s okay. I’ll do it. I probably should. I’m the one who made Dad smack her. He wasn’t going to do it until I made him.”

Jen sighs and she says “I really wish you hadn’t done that.”

So I say “Why?”

And Jen says “Dad hates the idea of hitting someone and smacking is like hitting. I think it broke something inside him to do that to her.”

And I say “But he smacked me and he didn’t seem to mind.”

And Jen says “You didn’t see his face every time he was smacking you. He hated every second of it. I think it broke him inside every time he did it to you as well. He only did it because Estelle made him. Besides he never smacked you very hard.”

And I say “He did so.”

And Jen kind of snorts out a laugh and she says “No. He really didn’t hit you hard. Remember I’m the one who put cream on your bum afterwards so I know he didn’t hurt you. I’m guessing it stung a bit when he was smacking you but after I put the cream on the sting went away pretty quickly. Is that right?”

And I say “I guess so.”

And Jen says “Dad’s twice your size and pretty strong. If he hit you hard you’d have bruises on your bum that would last for days. He didn’t hit you hard. Just hard enough to sting a bit so that you’d know you’ve been smacked. And he hated even doing that to you.”

And I say “Huh” ‘cause I never knew that before. But I still don’t like being smacked even though I know I deserved it for saying the f word and for the other things I got smacked for.

And I say “So he didn’t really hurt her?”

And Jen says “No. Her bum is probably stinging right now but I’m pretty sure she isn’t hurt at all.”

And I think about it and then I say “I’m glad. It wouldn’t be right if he hurt her after not hurting me.”

So I look over at Estelle and she’s still standing facing the wall with her hands on her head and her red bum facing the room. And I say “How long am I supposed to leave her there?”

And Jen looks at the clock and she says “If she’s still standing there like that when my friends start showing up then they might get a bit confused so maybe you should take her to her room now. That will give us time to have showers and things before everyone starts getting here.”

And then Jen goes to the bathroom and comes back with the jar of cream and she gives it to me and then starts picking up Estelle’s clothes that have been on the floor for all this time.