Chapter 38

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

I was staring at the dishes spread out on the long cheap folding table, the type used in outdoor events. We at least put a nice red tablecloth over it. Patio chairs had been moved around it to create an eating area. The whole thing was under a simple wooden frame that was covered with a white gauzy fabric and tied down with rope. A tarp was in the corner that we could throw over the top if it started raining. Lavi and Melissa had constructed it that morning for sukkot which, according to my minimal reading, involved eating and sometimes sleeping outside in recognition of the historic travails of the Jewish people. When I shared that Lavi said I was in no danger of being mistaken as knowledgeable on this any time soon. Melissa and Lavi had helped Peter build them in the past so they felt comfortable doing it and today I was hosting Peter’s parents for lunch straight from the airport.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

Melissa came up behind me and rubbed at the knot forming at the bottom of my neck. “You’re repeating yourself.”

“It’s because I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

“Making kosher lunch?”

“Using vegan butter. It’s a good thing Julia Child is already dead, this would kill her.”

Melissa sighed and laid her forehead against my back. “I’m sure Julia Child prepared kosher at some point in her career.”

“Probably not with non-dairy butter.”

Lavi walked in carrying the serving bowl of grits. According to Peter’s text they would be here in minutes.

Lavi, “You are the one who picked out the menu and decided to make a southern breakfast to welcome them to the States.” She left as soon as she had arrived to get the chicken sausages. Lavi had zero sympathy for my pain.

Melissa returned to laying out the new utensils. I had bought new ones that were made of damascus steel, super pretty. I had thought about buying some before and having a set that had never touched dairy products seemed like a good excuse. “I think this is about more than the not-butter though. What is really bugging you?”

I thought about it. “I just want to make a good impression. From what Lavi has said her grandma is fine with things so I just want to make sure I don’t screw things up. You have to admit meeting family has a history of being rocky.”

Melissa, “You’re being silly. Sylvia loves you.”

“Maybe now. Have you seen the looks Peter gives me sometimes?”

Melissa paused to look at me. “He’s protective and worries but likes you too. He would do a lot more than give you looks if he didn’t.”

I met her gaze. “What about your mom?”

Melissa started off unsure and then raised to a chipper voice. “She ... tolerates you. But hey, Ryan likes you.”

“He likes that I annoy your mom.”

Melissa grinned. “You noticed that huh?”

I changed the topic. “Quick check list - my ham-less red-eye gravy, grits, country fried steak, the drop biscuits, the pecan sticky buns, is that everything? Eggs, is Lavi watching the eggs and country potatoes?”

Melissa held up her hands. “Why don’t you take a deep breath. Lavi has it. You know, we could have gone to a restaurant, Peter said to not make a fuss.”

“I’m fussing. I’m fussing the fuck out of this.”

My phone buzzed. I looked at her and lifted the phone to my face. “Uh huh. Shelley, great to hear from you. You were able to? I really appreciate it. Interesting. Thanks.” I hung up.

Melissa had an eyebrow raised. “Shelley?”

“Old college friend. She dated my roommate for a semester and I told her she should dump him. She’s still thanking me for it.”

Melissa started to straighten things that didn’t need straightening. “So, what is Shelley up to?”

“I called her because of that weird blip I had on my credit monitoring.”

“The information only thing? I thought you said it wouldn’t affect your score.”

“It won’t but it’s still odd and the last time some did that kind of check and I didn’t know about it someone was trying to steal my identity to open credit lines. So, I keep a close eye on it. Shelley works in admissions at the university now. I wanted to know if anyone had tried to get my transcripts.”

“Oh.” Melissa stopped fiddling with the gravy boat. “And... ?”

“Someone had.”

“Who?”

I told her.

“So, what are you going to do?”

“Maybe nothing, maybe I’ll make a point if it comes up.”

Now both our phones buzzed. They were here. Within minutes Peter and Sylvia entered the backyard via the gate with two older people. She was average height. Her hair had gone completely white and was held back with a bright pink scrunchy while she wore a white sundress with bright flowers with red petals and green leaves. She waved enthusiastically as soon as she saw us. Beside her was a man just barely taller than her wearing khakis and an orange polo shirt. He had a soft face and wire rim glasses and I felt like I was looking at Peter in thirty years.

As soon as they got to us Lavi jumped forward to give them both hugs screaming, “Bubbeh, Zayde!” Both took turns hugging her. Lavi started to say more in Hebrew but her grandmother stopped her.

“Now, now, let’s not be rude. English for your new family, unless they’ve maybe learned some Hebrew.” Melissa looked nervous and just held her thumb and forefinger very close together and said something that made the older woman laugh. “English it is!” She looked at Melissa. “I know you from Lavi’s pictures. Such a shiksa! Lavi, she is even more gorgeous than you said! You will call me Bubbeh too?”

Melissa looked down a little embarrassed. “I would like that.” They embraced. Melissa glanced at Lavi’s grandfather not sure if she should hug him too. “Go,” the grandmother said, “It will give the old rogue a thrill!” We all gave a polite laugh and Melissa hugged Lavi’s, and by relationship, her grandfather.

“Now,” Lavi’s Bubbeh said looking at me, “you must be Robert, the one shtooping Lavi and her shiksa.” Sylvia was cringing.

“I don’t have to be but I am.” I was neither embarrassed, nor apologetic. She looked me up and down, appraising me. I asked, “Can I give you a hug?”

She threw her arms open, “Bring it in!” I gave her a bear hug and lifted her up. Her feet kicked under her.

Her husband walked past me. “You break her you bought her! The food looks great.”

Peter, “I’m starving.” Lavi was right behind him. The Hellers obviously understood the importance of a good meal. I put my grandmother in law or whatever she was down.

“So, Bubbeh?” I asked.

“You call me Adriane.”

“I’m too old to call you Bubbeh?” I grinned.

She shook her head in negation. “Too much trouble I think. I don’t want to be responsible for you. Let’s eat before my boys leave us nothing.”

Soon everyone was sitting and eating. I put some of everything on my plate and looked over at Lavi’s grandfather, Saul. “So, Saul, you came from Pennsylvania originally, right?”

“By way of Jersey, that’s where I was born.”

“Have you been back to the States much?”

“Nah. Early days in Israel I was broke as could be. I worked as a bus driver first and then found work on the potash farms. Later I got into hydraulic engineering on the farms. As the economy grew, I had some money for travel but figured I had too much to see in that part of the world to come back to the States.”

Adriane, “Good thing he did too, I found him shleping around Athens totally lost but at least he found me.”

Saul beamed. “I met her and we tried talking but it was almost impossible. She didn’t know hardly any English and I just had this little Greek phrasebook. Then I tried some Yiddish and she didn’t know much but dragged me back to her house and her grandmother translated!”

Lavi, “I thought you met in Israel.”

Her grandfather, “No, no. We did get married there though. We wrote letters and I was really thinking about moving to Greece when then suddenly her family decided to immigrate and I knew it was meant to be.”

Adriane, “Now, you Robert, tell us more about what you do.”

I chewed the bite of biscuit I’d just taken, having soaked up beef gravy with it. “I’m a professional gambler.”

She raised an eyebrow. “I thought you did computer stuff.”

“I do. But it’s gambling, just with other people’s money.”

“That’s the best way to gamble,” Peter interjected. His mother waved for me to continue.

“I take information and run statistics about where to drill for things, usually oil. Sometimes I make pictures out of them for people who don’t like numbers. Sometimes it’s obvious, you have a great chance of finding what you want to drill for or don’t and walk away. But sometimes, well, you can’t just be sure or maybe the possible rewards are just so enticing that you go for it.”

“And you make good money?”

“Enough to be comfortable. I can support the three of us.”

She pressed. “Enough for children?”

“Bubbeh,” Melissa had country fried steak on her fork but it was resting on her plate now. “Robert will not be the sole support of the family.” Adriane looked towards Lavi who just shrugged and pointed at her fork at Melissa before spearing another piece of scrambled eggs as if to say “what she said.”

Adriane again, “What kind of education do you have Robert?” She was looking down as if paying attention to the food but it didn’t sound like a casual question.

“I finished my undergraduate degree but not my master’s. Neither were in what I do now.”

“Ah, that’s a shame.” She was making a point. I think I needed to make one too. This was not a woman that respected weakness.

“Yeah, I think I would have enjoyed teaching but life didn’t work out that way. I don’t have an invisible shield over my history though, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.” I looked for a reaction and got it in spades.

Five people at the table paused and looked at each other - Adriane, Saul, Peter, Syliva and Lavi. Melissa pointed to the grits which were near me and I passed them to her. I took a few more potatoes. We ate while they had a silent conference. Several people were looking at Lavi who was just shaking her head emphatically in the negative. I had been intentionally indirect with naming the organization just in case I was wrong. It didn’t appear I was.

“No, she didn’t tell me,” I said. “Hopefully it’s not a state secret especially since you’re retired.” I looked at Adriane. “More orange juice?”

She held out her cup. “Please. And no, it’s not a state secret but still something I don’t like to spread around. You’re clever.”

“Not really, I just put things together.”

“Go on,” she said. Adriane sipped the orange juice.

“Lavi mentioned where she had lived and that she was near you. That put you in the neighborhood of Israel’s internal intelligence agency. The other slip up was her joking about you knowing people in Mossad. I know Lavi’s humor and making that connection wouldn’t have come from nowhere. But, when she was learning about some of Mossad’s ugly history she didn’t react like she would associate it with a loved one. I get alerts on my credit history check and when you tried to get my transcripts. Your caller id location of Israel stood out. It took a few days to play phone tag but someone remembered it.” I felt like Inspector Poirot doing his big unveiling. Maybe Melissa was right and I had read too many mystery novels.

Adriane shrugged. “Your school refused to give them to me. South Carolina also refused the birth certificate. Your country is annoying with so many different agencies and local laws. Why connect it to Shin Bet though?”

“Little things. Lavi loves to talk about family. She mentioned you worked and I know enough about your husband’s work history to write a basic resume for him. But you? She never mentioned your work at all except to say you were on the phone all the time and learned English for work. I’m guessing you did a lot of background checks.”

She nodded. “You are correct. That is almost the only thing I did. We had a lot of people coming from English speaking countries and being able to practice English at home with Saul was a big help.”

Peter, “We would switch between Hebrew and English freely around the house.”

My grandmother in law, “You don’t seem upset.”

“What can I say, you’re looking after family. But I’m not rich, sorry. I can give you all the horrible details about my failures in life if you really want them.”

“Bah,” she said waving a hand. “You don’t need to be rich but Lavi ... she loves a good heart. A good heart is not enough. You’re clever though, I didn’t expect that.”

“Work with that?” That was Lavi.

“As the father of your babies, nehda. Good children need a balance, they need different things from a mother and father.”

I swallowed another bite. “You didn’t expect me to be clever?”

The older woman shrugged. “Lavi always wanted a hero, heroes often aren’t very smart and she has enough cleverness for two people so I was not looking for that. I had heard you dropped out of grad school so I was thinking it was because you failed.”

“No my mother needed me.”

“Ah. Yes, I can see that. You are constant aren’t you. Lavi talked around that. Hmm. I think you will balance her well. You will make good children.” She smiled and some of the tension bled away and eating resumed around the table.

Saul restarted the conversation with, “So, Robert, what do you think about the West Bank...”

“Zayde!” “Ahuv!” The dual shouts came from Lavi and her grandmother.

I remained silent, deciding to not to antagonize two generations of Heller women. When it was obvious I wasn’t going to elaborate Saul decided to move things along. He picked up a biscuit. “These are very irregular.”

“Drop biscuits,” I said. “And the red eye gravy is made with beef drippings instead of ham. The butter is plant based so it is all kosher. I couldn’t find grits from a kosher grocery but I verified with the farm I got them from that they process the corn themselves and they don’t do any meat processing.”

“This is very kind of you,” Adriana said. “And I apologize for checking up on you.”

Sylvia as she sipped at her tea, “Robert is used to it, he was even pretty calm about it when I told him I wanted to cut his balls off.”

Peter nearly choked on his water. “You didn’t tell me you said that!”

“Well, it was in the moment.” Sylvia said.

Adriane raised her orange juice. “To men who can keep a level head and the women who put up with them the rest of the time.” Everyone raised their glasses and we ate.

Saul, “This is very good. I have not eaten grits since I drove through the south as a boy once. American breakfast for lunch is the perfect way to come back to the states.”

Syliva, “I can’t believe you made red eye gravy without ham. It’s not the same but good.” She had it poured over both biscuits and grits.

“So,” Adriane turned to Lavi, “are you and Robert having a lot of rabbit time?” Lavi’s eyes shot up from her food.

Her husband took a warning tone. “Dear.”

“What, they should be! Splishy sploshy things have to happen for me to have great grandbabies.”

A red faced Sylvia, “They are finishing school first.” I was chewing and pondering the turn of phrase ‘splishy sploshy.’

“Then they should be practicing. Abstinence does not improve fertility. Things will back up and stop working. Robert is already old enough for sperm to be dying in him, he needs to keep things healthy. A man doesn’t keep that working and blood vessels will turn blue and break and I’ve read all about this.” I silently questioned the medical validity of this but decided a sticky bun needed my attention more.

Lavi suddenly blurted. “We’re doing it plenty. Trust me.”

Her grandmother, “You and him, not just you and the shiksa because you’ve always been kind of “ she waved her hand around.

Lavi the queen of sexual shock melted under her grandmother’s bluntness. “Yes, yes, Robert and I, plenty of it.”

“Good, good. I’m just saying if you want to step away it’s fine, you should keep that spirit alive. It’s how you keep a man happy and healthy. You keep his stomach full and his eggs empty. And, “ she learned forward as if to whisper but didn’t lower her voice at all, “it is a good thing to make sure you get a tickle yourself, you know. It helps with the baby because you open up when you do.” Then she made a motion of her hands opening. Most of the table stared at her. Saul alone seemed immune. Then apparently concerned we didn’t grasp it she added. “Your uterus. It needs to be wide open.” She suddenly had a look of realization on her face as if she had just thought of it. “Oh, that would help!” She pointed at the girls. “There are two of you so one can help the other when you are, you know, so you get the other tickled if he can’t do it.” I might be a little slow but I just then realized that tickled meant orgasm.

Just a few minutes ago I had felt in charge of this conversation. That felt like a long time ago. Sylvia wanted to disappear. Peter looked like he wanted to stop existing. Melissa and Lavi didn’t know how to respond. Saul was enjoying the eggs. How many years had it taken to hit that level of immunity I wondered.

Finally Adriane broke the silence. “You are all ridiculous, we are adults and this is how babies are made.”

I thought about pointing out that making families isn’t necessarily a family meal conversation topic but then decided I was actually coming out just fine in this so far so why screw it up by opening my mouth. So I filled it with some more country fried steak. The gravy really wasn’t the same without ham.