Chapter 8: Lessons Learned

July 23, 1982, Circleville, Ohio

"I'm sorry I missed our date late Friday," Katy said after greeting me with a kiss and letting me into the house.

"That's the fourth time you've apologized! I accepted your apology when you called to tell me about your grandmother, and for that, you don't have to apologize! How is she?"

"No change since we spoke on Wednesday. Mom is still there, so it's just Dad and me. He's out with his friends tonight, so we have the run of the house. I figured we'd cook, eat, use the sauna, then listen to music."

"That sounds good, though I do want to talk about something."

"Fooling around?"

"Yes. I think we should limit ourselves to kissing, at least for now."

"Why?"

"Because we're so close to crossing a line we aren't ready to cross, and I'm afraid if we're not careful, we'll cross it without thinking about it."

Katy frowned and sighed deeply, "I hate it, but I think you're right. Do you want to wear towels in the sauna?"

"I think I can resist temptation if you can!"

Katy smiled, "I believe I can ... and if not, it'll be fun!"

I laughed lightly, "Yes, it would. But we're both adults."

"I'm only seventeen..."

"I'd say if we're talking about making love, we're speaking to each other as adults, don't you think? Teenagers would just do it!"

"Oh, right, and college boys wouldn't?"

"A reasonable point, but I'm promising you I won't be doing it with anyone anytime soon."

"Oh?" She replied with surprise. "What happened? I mean, I'm glad, but still..."

"I had a couple of long, heart-to-heart talks with my mom and Jocelyn. I realized that I simply can't be that involved with anyone at the moment. I need to just focus on school and friends and date casually for a while."

"But we might do it eventually?"

I smiled, "I'd like nothing better! But when we're ready, Katy. Both of us. And right now, neither of us are."

"Well, I am ready to eat! Shall we make dinner?"

"Yes!"

I followed her to the kitchen, and we started making homemade pizza, something we both thoroughly enjoyed making and eating. We had a good time cooking together, then eating together. After cleaning up the kitchen, we went downstairs to the sauna, stripped off our clothes, and went in. It was already pre-heated because Katy had come down when we finished dinner to set the controls. Now she ladled water onto the rocks, and steam hissed up and filled the room.

"This is really relaxing," I said after several minutes of quiet.

"I agree. It's even better in the Winter when you can come straight in from outside. Talk about warming up quickly!"

"I bet! Of course, with you in here, I'd warm up even faster!"

Katy laughed, "Not THAT way!"

"When school starts, are Friday nights still good?"

"Yes, of course! Mom and Dad will have season tickets for La Comedia again. They want to take us to see a few shows, if that's OK."

"Sure. I don't mind hanging out with your parents occasionally."

"Cool. And you'll come to my concerts?"

"If I can, yes. They're usually during the week, so it should be OK, but I have to give priority to my school work."

"Obviously!" she agreed. "I talked more to my parents about school. Mom asked if you knew where you were going to go to medical school."

"My first choice is McKinley Medical School, and my second choice will be Ohio State. After that, the University of Cincinnati and the University of Pittsburgh. For my fifth choice, either Indiana University Medical School or one of the Chicago schools."

"When would you know?"

"During my Senior year of college. I'll visit all of them the Summer after my Junior year or early in the Fall semester of my Senior year. And I'll apply to all of them. Then we'll see where I get accepted. I'm hoping that a 4.0 GPA plus a stellar MCAT will get me a spot at McKinley Medical School, and I won't have to worry about anything. But we'll see."

"So if I went to Ohio State, there would be a very good chance you'd be either in McKinley or Columbus?"

"A good chance, but not a guarantee. Would going to Ohio State be a detriment?"

"Not really. I suspect there would be more job opportunities if I went to MIT or Stanford, but if things go the way we're speculating — and I do mean that, speculating, not planning — I'd be looking for a job in Columbus, Dayton, or perhaps Cincinnati. There are a ton of banks headquartered in Columbus, not to mention insurance companies, so there will be good job prospects. I really don't want to go to Silicon Valley or the Route 128 Corridor near Boston."

"Those are where a lot of jobs in computers are?"

Katy laughed, "Yes. You don't know much about them, do you?"

"They annoyed and frustrated me in High School. The only useful thing I found to do was play Sargon, the chess program. Programming just made me cross-eyed and nearly drove me insane!"

"How could you tell?" Katy teased.

"Gee, thanks," I said, trying to sound annoyed but failing because I started to laugh. "But given that I'm in the sauna with you and we're both naked, which is kind of crazy by itself if you think about it, I'd say 'nearly'! It WOULD be insane if we did what we discussed NOT doing earlier."

"Excuse me?! Insane?"

"For me, Katy. For me."

"Do you want to tell me?"

"The short version is I was spending too much time worrying about the future, especially marriage. I was fixating on that, and it was making a mess of things. I also realized that I don't have a future with Melody so that relationship is over."

Katy unsuccessfully fought a smile, and I was sure she was thinking that her competition had been reduced by one. Even if we weren't looking that far into the future, the sentiment was reasonable, and I understood it.

"So, will you date?"

"I think I'll spend time with Jocelyn," I said.

"Your best friend?"

"Yes. That's part of the reason Melody doesn't want to talk to me."

"Because you want to spend time with Jocelyn?"

"Yes."

"She wasn't worried about me?" Katy asked.

I smiled and shook my head, "No."

"She thought I was no competition because I'm in High School?"

"Something like that," I said.

Katy smiled impishly, "I bet you anything you care to wager, I'm better!"

"And how the heck would you know that?"

"Mom says self-confidence is the most important trait, no matter what the endeavor!"

"She wasn't talking about sex, I'm sure!"

"No," Katy laughed. "Of course not! But I think it applies! You enjoyed me sucking you, right?"

"Any answer other than 'yes, it was fantastic' would result in my immediate death in some agonizing and painful way!" I chuckled.

"True. But honestly, you liked it, right?"

"Very much so!"

"And I very much liked you licking me. And I think, when we finally do it, it'll be the most amazing thing ever!"

I nodded, "I'm not going to argue with you!"

"Because you value your life!" Katy said impishly.

"Yes!"

"You've been with someone other than Melody?"

"Yes, but beyond that, I'm not going to discuss it. I hope you'll understand."

"Of course! I wouldn't want you to tell anyone what we did together! Or even that we had done it!"

Of course, I talked to my mom and Jocelyn about everything, which presented an issue. I needed SOMEONE to talk to about stuff, and it wasn't as if I was bragging to a guy or talking to someone who would spill the beans, as it were. That said, Katy had requested privacy, and I owed it to her. I wasn't quite sure how to balance the competing needs; it was something I'd have to think about.

We left the sauna after about twenty minutes, then showered individually, dressed, and went to Katy's room to listen to music until her dad came home. We spent about thirty minutes with him before Katy walked me to my car, gave me a sexy kiss, and then watched as I pulled out of the driveway and headed for West Monroe.

July 24, 1982, West Monroe, Ohio

"How did it go last night?" Jocelyn asked as we ate breakfast at her house on Saturday morning.

"Good, actually. To tell you the truth, I think Katy was relieved and a bit frustrated."

Jocelyn laughed, "Relieved because the competition is dropping like flies and frustrated by your newfound chastity?"

"I'd say that's a good analysis!" I grinned.

"And how long is this going to last?"

"The chastity?"

"Yes."

"Until it doesn't," I replied with a smile. "I'm not setting ANY timelines right now, except for graduating from WHTU."

"Dibs?" she said with a silly smile.

"Did you already forget our talk last week?" I asked, slightly annoyed.

"Jesus, Mik!"

"Jos, can we PLEASE just be Mik and Jos? I need you to do this for me; be my best friend. ALL options are on the table down the road, but it's FAR down the road."

"Sorry," she said, sounding sad.

"I'm not trying to make you sad, Jos. I'm trying to get my life in order."

"I know, it's just ... never mind."

"If you don't tell me, we can't work it out."

"I like making love with you, Mik! A lot!"

"But is that the right thing for us to do?" I asked.

"Now? Ever?"

"I think the only thing we can worry about is 'now'. The future will have to take care of itself."

Jocelyn sighed deeply, "I screwed up so badly in ninth grade..."

"Because you didn't tell me how you felt?"

"Yes."

"I didn't tell you, either," I said.

"Even if you had, I'd have done the same thing I did at graduation. And now I'm paying the price."

"What do you want, Jos?"

"For everything to go back to like it was on August 18th of last year."

"Unless you have a time machine, I don't think that's possible. But wouldn't it be better to go back to 9th grade?"

"Do YOU want to do High School all over again?"

"I suppose not. Are you going to be OK?"

"I don't know. I'm just torn up inside about this whole situation. Maybe I just need to get away."

"Like a vacation?" I said.

She shook her head slowly, "No, like permanently."

"Have we really wrecked things so badly that you would want to run away?"

"I don't know that I can stay, either."

"Jos, I need you."

"And I need you, but I can't be here. I just can't. Not like this. Not now."

I had no idea what to say or do. I'd actually reached a place of equilibrium, and I'd felt good about it. Unfortunately, it hadn't even lasted a week. I needed to talk to someone, and usually, it would have been Jocelyn, but that was what was upsetting the balance! That left my mom, or perhaps Angie. Either of them could provide a sounding board, and to me, it seemed as if Angie was a better choice.

I sort of surprised myself at that line of thought, but we'd had so many conversations since she'd started hanging out with me, not as a girlfriend, but as a very close friend with whom I spent a lot of time. All of those moments had to have given her some insight into my wants and needs, and, in a way, she probably knew me better than my mom, who, at times, I felt saw me as my younger, pre-college self.

"I don't know what to say," I said. "Or what I'll do if you go away."

"You'll be fine, Mike."

Mike? Her using that name, in this context, was like a hot knife shoved into my gut! I'd managed to arrive at the one destination I'd tried hardest to avoid. And it seemed the only way to fix it was to agree to a future I didn't know I could live with. And agreeing to it now, when I wasn't sure, ran the risk of an even bigger disaster down the road. I'd hoped that by putting off any permanent decisions, I could have avoided this very outcome.

"No," I shook my head. "I don't think I will."

I ate my last bite of eggs, then wiped my mouth with the napkin beside my plate. I got up, said I was going home, then turned and left. It was telling that Jocelyn didn't call after me or try to stop me. The knife in my gut had been twisted hard. I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out, and I wasn't sure which. I got into my Mustang, but rather than start it, I simply sat and stared at the front door of Jocelyn's house.

My vain hope that she would come after me didn't come to pass, and after about five minutes, I felt good enough to start the car and pull out of the driveway. I drove slowly and carefully, lost in my thoughts until I arrived home. I backed into the driveway as I usually did, turned off the engine, put the car in gear, and set the parking brake. I got out, locked the car door, and walked slowly to the house.

"Mike? I didn't expect you home," Mom said when I came through the front door.

I shrugged and walked past her up the stairs to my room. I shut the door, turned on the radio, and collapsed into bed. I stared at the ceiling, feeling as if I should be crying, but the tears didn't come. All that came was a crushing weight on my chest and a throbbing in my temples. I took a few deep breaths and let them out slowly, which relieved the tension a bit.

Just in time for a knock at the door.

"Mike?"

I wanted to say, 'Go away!' but knew that wouldn't work.

"Come in," I replied, instead, and sat up.

The door opened, and Mom came in, closing it behind her.

"What happened between you and Jocelyn?"

"She told me she can't stay here," I sighed.

"I thought you two had worked things out, at least in the short term."

"Me, too. But she basically gave me an ultimatum — start sleeping together again, or she was leaving."

"Jocelyn? Jocelyn Mills? I don't believe it!"

"Me either," I said. "And yet that's what happened. She said she couldn't be around me if we were not lovers. I even made a point of only worrying about right now and not taking any options off the table. It didn't help."

"You held out the possibility for the future?"

"Mom, I don't KNOW what I want. That's the most important thing I've figured out in the last month. And because of that, I want to put off decisions into the future. The funny thing is, that works for everyone EXCEPT Jocelyn! Even though I decided I didn't want to get back together with Melody, she'd be fine with no firm decisions right now. Tasha and Katy certainly are, but I understand that because they're both in High School. Becky is OK with it, too, because she's in Michigan, and I'm here."

"I believe that actually makes sense if you think it through."

"I'm not seeing it, but then I'm not sure I'm thinking clearly right now."

"For all the other girls, you NOT deciding is to their advantage unless you're going to pick them, and they know you can't do that now. Jocelyn, on the other hand, sees time as her enemy."

I sighed, "But why? It makes no sense! I'm perplexed about the 'having kids of my own' issue, and asking me to commit to her now could create a disaster down the road! She's being irrational!"

Mom smiled, "Love isn't rational, not even for you, Mike."

"But I can't make the commitment she seems to want me to make. Not now. Maybe I can in a few years."

"So maybe time apart is a good thing."

"I don't WANT time apart from her!" I whined.

"Mikhail Petrovich quit whining and act your age! You aren't five years old. Adult relationships are far more complicated than hanging your smocks on the same hook! And sex complicates them even more!"

"But it didn't with Becky or Emmy!" I protested.

"For you, perhaps, though I wouldn't necessarily agree," Mom replied. "But what about them?"

"Becky told me it was about possibilities and that she wasn't counting on a future with me."

"Because that's what she believes? Or because that's what she thought you needed to hear?"

I sighed deeply, "If people aren't honest, things are NEVER going to get easier."

"No, they aren't. But did being honest with Jocelyn make things easier?"

"No," I sighed. "But lying or hiding my feelings would have been worse."

"So what lesson have you learned?"

"That I should either become a monk or just get laid as often as possible without worrying about anything!"

"Oh yes, those are both BRILLIANT solutions to your current distress."

"The problem is, I implemented the lesson I thought I was supposed to learn, and it led to the current situation."

"There's a lesson in that, too."

"That just because I want things to turn out a certain way doesn't mean they will."

"And you have to be prepared for that eventuality. Don't you think that will happen as a doctor? That the treatment you select might not be the right one for some reason, and you'll have to deal with what might turn into a worse situation?"

"That's what my training is supposed to prevent!"

"And your training will be perfect, and you'll be perfect?"

"No," I sighed. "Unfortunately."

"And you won't be able to hide in your room then, either."

"So what am I supposed to do?"

"See if you can talk to Jocelyn and work out a way forward."

"She's already decided. She said she can't stay. And she meant it."

"And her 'not staying', whatever that means, is the end? You'll just walk away from her because of that?"

"SHE is the one who's running away!"

"Because getting into your car and driving home wasn't running away from her?"

"What was I supposed to do?"

"Talk to her? Find out what she plans to do? Figure out how to work things out? What happens when you encounter difficulties after you're married and have kids? You can't just run away. Well, you CAN, but you can't, if you know what I mean."