Chapter 6: Role Reversal

July 8, 1982, West Monroe, Ohio

"What's bugging you, Mike?" Mom asked at breakfast on Thursday.

"What do you think?" I sighed.

"You know, there is a simple answer to your problems," Dad said with a smile.

I shook my head, "It's not simple at all! I know you both think I should marry Jocelyn, but neither Jocelyn nor I are sure about that."

"You did tell her you didn't think you could marry someone who you knew couldn't have kids," Mom said. "Don't you think that might have colored her opinion?"

"I just told the truth," I sighed. "And that was something I discussed in detail with Doctor Hart, as well as Jocelyn's therapist. And in the end, I have to sort this out myself. The one piece of advice I AM accepting is to put all the talk about long-term stuff aside for a couple of years. I can't do anything right now, and that gives all of us time to see how things work out. You always told me I'd change when I started college, and I have, but I suspect more changes are coming."

"You're right," Mom agreed. "We've been pushing you towards our preferred outcome. I'm sorry."

"Me, too, Son," Dad added. "We'll keep our opinions to ourselves."

I smiled, "Don't do that, please. I value advice, but this is more like a full-court press."

"We'll do better," Mom said. "Sometimes it's difficult to see our children as grownups."

I laughed, "As if!"

"You are, Mike," Dad said. "But you'll gain a lot of life experience in the next decade."

"And then I'll be as smart as you?" I asked with a silly smile.

"Smarter, I hope," he replied.

I finished breakfast and headed to the hardware store, where I got my assignment and got to work. Just before 11:00am, I was surprised when Emmy came into the store.

"April had her baby last night," Emmy said after greeting me. "A baby girl she named Chastity Hope."

I suppressed a chuckle because THAT would have kept April out of her current troubles!

"Is she going to keep the baby?"

"I don't know for sure, but the rumor is there's been a long debate between her, her dad, and Cassie. April wants to keep the baby, but her dad and sister are strongly encouraging her to give her up for adoption."

"I can't even imagine being a dad at this point, and it has to be worse for the girl. Thanks for letting me know."

"You're welcome. I'm sorry my dad is such a jerk."

"It's not your fault, Emmy. Thanks for doing what you can to be with Liz."

"She's my best friend, even if my dad says she can't be. Is Clark going to be your roommate in the Fall?"

"Yep. We get along really well; he doesn't do drugs or smoke, and he's part of the gang I hang out with."

"Nothing personal, but I was hoping you weren't because then maybe my dad would relent."

"Unless something major changes between now and graduation, I plan to have Clark as my roommate. Sorry."

Well, if I became an RA, that would change, but there was no guarantee and no reason to plant seeds in Emmy's mind.

"No, don't apologize," Emmy said. "I should let you get back to work. Are you going to be at the pool on Saturday?"

"Probably."

"OK. I'll see you on Saturday, most likely."

"Later!" I said.

She left, and I got back to work. The rest of the day was typical — lunch with Mr. and Mrs. Orlov, and after work, karate, then dinner. After dinner, I spent a few hours at Jocelyn's house before coming back home to go to bed.

July 9, 1982, Circleville, Ohio

"I'm glad you're here," Katy said after greeting me on Friday evening.

"You were afraid I wouldn't want to see you?"

"I wasn't sure because of what happened three weeks ago."

"Then we're even because I wasn't sure you'd want to see me, either."

"Well, come into the house; Mom is in the kitchen, and Dad is in the great room. We'll have dinner in about thirty minutes. Do you need anything to drink?"

"Not right now, thanks."

"I thought after dinner we could listen to music and talk. And I mean really talk, not mess around."

I nodded, "That's a very good idea."

She led me to the great room where her dad was sitting. He stood, and we shook hands, then he motioned me to sit. I sat on the loveseat, and Katy took the spot next to me, though she didn't sit super close. I had a nice chat with her dad, who asked about school, work, church, and Summer break. During dinner, much of the conversation was rehashed with Katy's mom, and after the meal, Katy and I decided to go for a walk. She slipped her hand in mine, and I held it gently.

"I've been thinking more about what I said to you," she said. "I don't think I can make a decision as important as the one we talked about; not yet, anyway."

"I've done a lot of thinking, too," I replied. "I've come to the conclusion I'm not ready to really think about that serious of a commitment. Maybe in a couple of years, but not now."

"So, we can continue dating?" she asked hopefully.

"We could. I do have to say, and this will be the last time for quite some time, that what I described to you won't change. But it's not something to worry about now."

Katy squeezed my hand, "I'm happy."

"Me, too," I said.

"I told my dad I want to go to Ohio State."

"Because of me?"

"Partly, yes. Don't you want to see me every Friday?"

Echoes of my conversations with Jocelyn the previous Summer bounced around inside my head. She'd chosen to go away but then realized it was a mistake, only to have everything come crashing down around us when she was in the accident, which resulted from that change of heart. While I certainly didn't expect a similar set of events, I also didn't want her to make that decision based on what might potentially be a false hope.

"Yes, but not if it means you don't go to the school you really want to go to."

"That's what Dad said," she replied quietly.

"I'm concerned, based on what we just said about commitments, that you won't make the decision which is best for you."

"You're pushing me away?"

"You're sending me mixed signals," I said gently.

"You can be my boyfriend without asking me to marry you. Dating doesn't mean you're going to get married, just that you like the person enough to want to be with them and see where things go."

"I agree. But changing which school you're going to? Remember what I told you when we talked about this in April? That I think you should decide where to go to school and that we'd figure out how to handle it?"

"I know. But that doesn't make it easy."

"I'm sort of a blockhead about things like this, but are you in love with me?"

"Maybe?" she said, obviously questioning her own feelings. "I've never been in love before, so I'm not sure."

"Would you say 'I love you' to me?"

"Maybe? Would you say it?"

"I'd be very careful because I don't want to mislead anyone. Those words seem to have magical powers, and that makes me very cautious."

"Have you said it before?"

"To April, my first serious girlfriend; but now I'm not sure I knew what I was saying. And to Jocelyn, but that's just different. I told her I loved her but wasn't 'in love' with her if that even makes sense."

Katy nodded, "I think so. I mean, we love our parents, and I'm sure you love your sister."

"But it's different with Jocelyn. I can't explain it, really. It's just we've been best friends since we were five."

"Usually, best friends are the same sex."

"I know. Jocelyn didn't care, I guess. She asked me to be her friend in kindergarten, and I agreed. We've been pretty much inseparable since then."

"So she missed starting at Taft because of her accident?"

"That's right."

"And Melody doesn't like her?"

"It's complicated," I sighed. "Melody and I aren't speaking right now."

"What happened?"

"I told her I didn't really know what I wanted for the future, except in a general way, and that I wasn't going to worry about it for a few years. And while I didn't say it to her, the whole situation with church would probably be a serious source of conflict."

Not to mention that Jos and I were sleeping together again, but I wanted to avoid THAT discussion with Katy.

"Because she's not Orthodox?"

"Yes, and I'm not sure I can make the kind of compromises she'd require. And yes, I know that sounds contradictory to what I said, but it is an important thing in the future. I'm not going to make an issue of it, but I'm also not planning to change what I do. Does that make sense?"

"It does. You just be you and see where things go."

"Exactly. And that's OK with you?"

"I told you I can't even begin to think about the long-term stuff. If I wasn't going to college, then maybe I'd think about it."

"Just promise me you won't make any life decisions based on a future neither of us can predict."

"That's a lot easier to say than to do."

"Oh, I know all about that. It's one reason I'm putting off thinking about it for a few years."

"So we'll keep going out on Fridays?" Katy asked hopefully.

"If you want, I'd like that very much," I said.

"And kissing and stuff?"

"I suppose we need to decide what's OK and what isn't."

"I liked what we were doing," she said quietly. "A lot."

"Me too!"

"Do you want to? You know?"

Did I? The answer was obviously 'yes'. The answer to 'Should I?' was a different thing altogether. Not from the standpoint of any moral or ethical high ground — I'd yielded that more than a year ago. My concern was for Katy.

"I'm not sure that's the right question," I said. "Just because you want to do something doesn't mean you should."

"But you want to?"

"Duh! I'm a guy! We're not exactly known for NOT wanting to!"

Katy laughed, "True. But unlike my friends' boyfriends, you don't push."

"That's at least partly because I'm thinking about the difference between 'want' and 'should'."

"I know," she sighed. "I started taking birth control pills 'just in case'. I get so excited when we're fooling around it makes me want to."

"That's probably not the time to decide," I grinned. "As much as I might like it, I'd hate to see you regret it afterwards. THAT would be a good way to ruin things for sure."

"Doing it?"

"No, doing it and having you decide it was a bad idea or that you shouldn't have."

"Why is life so difficult?"

"I ask myself that question all the time," I replied.

July 10, 1982, West Monroe, Ohio

"How did things go last night?" Jocelyn asked on Saturday morning.

"We agreed to keep dating," I said. "But also, to not focus on the distant future. She's trying to decide where to go to college. Her dad wants her to go to MIT or Stanford. She's thinking Ohio State."

"Because of you?"

"So it would seem," I said. "I suggested she not make decisions based on what MIGHT happen."

"Does she know about us?"

"She knows you're my best friend. I don't usually go around telling people who I'm sleeping with."

"Melody?"

"She's my girlfriend. Well, I guess she was my girlfriend. I kind of felt it was necessary for her to know I was doing stuff with other girls. Maybe that was wrong. Of course, I tell YOU everything, but I've always told you everything. Well, at least when you wanted to hear it!"

Jocelyn laughed, "I was a bit of a prude in High School, wasn't I?"

"For a girl who had NO issues with sharing straws, drinking from the same cup, and stuff, it was kind of strange. You spent all of High School trying to protect your virtue!"

"Until I could give it to you, Mik. Even if we aren't meant to be together for the future, you were the right one to do that with for the first time."

"And you for me. Are you still getting grief from your parents about us?"

Jocelyn laughed, "They just don't say anything in front of you. Are you still getting grief from your parents?"

"Not grief, really. I'd call it pressure, though I asked them to back off."

"They think we should get married?"

"Obviously. They think we're perfect for each other."

"As do my parents, but my dad thinks I need to marry you because we went to Cincinnati."

"Now there's a euphemism I've never heard for sex!" I teased.

Jocelyn laughed, "Maybe that should be our code word? 'Want to go to Cincinnati?'"

"Your dad seriously thinks we should marry because we lost our virginities together?"

"He's old-fashioned that way. I don't think my mom agrees with him completely, but she'd never contradict him once he said something."

"He actually said that?"

"Yes. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm somehow 'damaged goods'."

"That's a load of crap, and you know it! I know there are people who believe that, but mostly, I thought it was people our grandparents' age and some very religious folks. Neither of those applies to your dad."

"You're very religious!"

I smirked, "I did say SOME very religious folks!"

"Yes, you did! But anyway, that is the way my dad thinks."

"What do YOU think?" I asked.

"I think you should have asked that question BEFORE we did it, don't you?"

"Jos, when we made love in Cincinnati, we were thinking we'd be together."

"Were we?" she asked, sounding skeptical. 'Really? I was planning to go to Purdue, and you were going to WHTU. We were both going to date. And I was pretty clear that I was OK with you being with other girls for that first year."

"Were you really?" I asked. "And were YOU going to do it with anyone else?"

"I don't know what would have happened," Jocelyn replied. "But I know how I felt back then."

"And how was that?"

"That right then we weren't sure what was going to happen, that you were too immature to make the decision you needed to make, and that a year apart would help us know for sure if we were supposed to be together."

"You weren't sure when we made love?"

"No. And neither were you! If you think you were, then you're confusing how you felt AFTER we made love with how you felt before."

"Am I?" I asked. "Do you remember what I said at graduation?"

"Wanting to fuck me had NOTHING to do with wanting to marry me!" she protested.

"Don't revert to that thinking, Jos! You admitted you were afraid of wrecking our relationship. You used that whole 'brother-sister' thing as a defense mechanism!"

Jocelyn sighed, "OK, that part is true, but be honest. You wanted to fuck someone, anyone!"

"And yet..." I said, having learned from my mom.

"You didn't do it with Carol because, in the end, you didn't WANT to do it just to do it. But you had planned to do it with Emmy before we decided to do it. And you did it with her. And with Becky."

"Things changed."

"What if the accident hadn't happened?"

"I'd already decided I wasn't going to do it with Emmy, and if I hadn't done that, then Becky wouldn't have overheard the conversation with my mom. And I probably wouldn't have tried to get serious with Nancy. And probably wouldn't have got back together with Melody if I'd even gone with her in the first place. But isn't this just idle speculation?"

"I suppose," Jocelyn said. "I mean, you can never be sure what might have happened without my accident. Does it bother you to speculate about alternative events that way?"

"No, not at all. It can be fun. Do you know the Billy Joel song, Scenes From an Italian Restaurant?"

"The one about 'Brenda and Eddie'?"

"Yep. The song has a line 'Then the king and the queen went back to the green but you can never go back there again', which I think is saying you can't live in the past. And that's important when we talk about us."

"But the past is so important for us!" Jocelyn protested.

"Yes, it is, as memories. But we can't live in the past. If we did, we'd never have gone to Cincinnati."

Jocelyn smirked, "I wouldn't mind 'going to Cincinnati' right now!"

"My car's right outside," I grinned. "We can be there in less than two hours! Maybe take in a Reds game?"

"Jerk!" she laughed.

"It's almost lunchtime, and then we're taking Liz and Mindy to the public pool with us."

"We could make it a quickie," Jocelyn smirked.

"Does that really do it for you?"

"You know how to make me cum, Mik! You just don't have to hold back for multiple ones!"

"What will your parents say?" I asked.

"At this point? Who cares? You can spend the night when I ask, and they won't say anything to you. After all, they don't want to chase you away! So how about it?"

"Oh, well," I sighed theatrically, "if I HAVE to!"

"Watch out, or I'll bite it off!" she threatened.

"Then you'll be VERY sad!"

Jocelyn grabbed my hand and led me up to her room where we nearly tore each other's clothes off, coupled quickly, and when we'd both cum, got out of bed, showered, and were in the kitchen to make lunch less than fifteen minutes later.

"That was fun," Jocelyn said quietly with a soft laugh.

"It would save a lot of time if we just did it that way every time," I teased.

"I know you better than that, Michael Loucks!" Jocelyn laughed. "You like making love a LOT more than you like fucking!"

"Jocelyn Theresa Mills!" her mom exclaimed in that tone of voice reserved for all three names.

"Sorry, Mom," Jocelyn said, in the same voice I could imagine her using when she was five.

"We raised you to act ladylike! I can't believe that word came out of your mouth!"

"I said I was sorry, Mom."

"We raised you better than that," her mom sighed, now sounding sad.

"Mike, let's go have lunch at Marie's," Jocelyn said, grabbing my hand.

I allowed her to lead me out of the kitchen, leaving the sandwiches half-prepared and the bag of chips open on the counter. I waited until we were out the front door before saying anything.