Chapter 58: Quit Making So Damned Much Sense!

March 12, 1983, McKinley, Ohio

"Cheating on me? Really?" I asked incredulously.

"I know it sounds strange," Clarissa said, "but I know how much you and I love each other and how close and intimate we are, even if we don't kiss and touch and stuff. It's really weird. I WANT to be with Glenda, you know, that way, but that doesn't change the feeling."

"That way?" I grinned.

"I know you aren't clueless, Petrovich! You do the same things!"

"I know. I'm teasing you, Lissa! Is this feeling going to be a problem?"

"I don't think so. As I said, it was a weird feeling. I mean, I KNOW I'm not cheating on you because we both know what we do with our girlfriends. But I get the feeling anyway. It won't get in the way; I just needed to tell you how I felt."

"That's what I'm here for!"

"Have you ever imagined it was me you were with?" Clarissa asked.

"You mean when I'm with Kristin or Janey? No. Other times, YES!"

"A simple 'yes' would suffice, Petrovich! Saying it that way makes you sound like a pig!"

"I thought we already agreed I was!" I said with a grin.

"We certainly did!" Clarissa agreed.

"Do you ever imagine it was me?"

"Probably not the same way. First of all, I suspect you imagine something I've never experienced and never thought I would, at least until maybe a month ago. The whole concept was not repulsive but not interesting, except in a clinical kind of way. Sort of like I feel about our talk with Robby and Lee."

"Which makes sense. You can't relate to heterosexual sex any more than I can relate to homosexual sex, except in a clinical way. I mean, I know they love each other, but the mechanics don't interest me except as you originally put it — as a future doctor. Knowing my patients and all that."

"But you weren't grossed out."

"No. Uncomfortable, but not grossed out."

"And with me and Glenda, if we get to that point?"

"Weirdly, no. But I suspect it's because anything you and Glenda do with each other, I'd do with you. There are things Robby and Lee do that I'd NEVER do."

"So you giving a blowjob is out of the question?" Clarissa smirked.

"Right up there with YOU giving one!" I chuckled.

"Point taken!" she said with a laugh. "You know heterosexual couples do the other thing they do, right?"

"It was in the book Jocelyn bought, The Joy of Sex, along with threesomes. I didn't go for either of them. Or bondage!"

Clarissa laughed, "May I say something completely impertinent?"

"We're talking about gay sex, and you think you have to ask?"

"True! I'd pay good money to see you with Jennifer and Laurie!"

"You'd watch?"

"That? Yeah! But I don't want to be around to deal with the aftermath, so I'll keep that money in my pocketbook."

"You're worried I'd have a bad reaction?" I asked.

"Not worried; certain. Worse, you might go off the rails and get lost in hedonism, wreck your grades, and THEN have a meltdown, AND leave ME facing the future alone! Worst of all possible worlds."

"I believe you're right."

"I have a question for you. About, uhm, techniques."

I started laughing so hard I almost veered into the opposite lane.

"You want ME to tell you how to pleasure a girl?"

"You HAVE, in fact, pleasured girls, right?"

I chuckled, "Yes."

"And they HAVE, in fact, enjoyed it, right?"

"So they say," I laughed.

"Then talk!"

"I think part of it is obvious — be gentle. Nipples, labia, and clitorises are sensitive. Use your tongue, lips, and fingers, but watch your teeth. Same thing I'd say about oral sex on a guy!"

"OW!" Clarissa laughed.

"Yeah. Fortunately, I've been lucky in that regard. Anyway, you'll know you're doing it right by the response, but if you aren't sure, ask. I have. Trust me, Glenda will be HAPPY to tell you. And you tell her, too. I think the only other thing is that you can get to a point where the pleasure is so intense it's almost painful. You need to be careful there, but I think you have to say something in that case."

"Does that happen to you?"

"It can, usually after oral sex, if she sucks or licks too hard on my glans. I bet the same is true for a clitoris. You think you're getting there?"

"Maybe. I don't want to be totally clueless, you know?"

"If she's experienced, she can guide you, Lissa. Just relax and do what feels good. Let it happen naturally."

"I know we're almost to the church; what do you plan to say to the priest?"

"The truth. I'm pretty sure Father Nicholas' response will be that we don't wait for people to be sinless before we invite them to church. If we did, the church would be empty, and we'd have no clergy!"

"Good point!"

"The concern is going to be what the bishop elects to do. It might be in the best interest of the Church not to ordain me a subdeacon."

"You'd give it up that easy?"

"I didn't apply for the job; the bishop asked me to do it."

"You don't want it?"

"That's an interesting question to which there is no simple answer. I guess the best way to put it is that what I want is to be obedient to my bishop."

"So you do whatever he asks? Without restrictions?"

"Another interesting question to which there is no simple answer. Yes, but I trust him not to ask me to do something I truly don't want to do. Believe me, he'll NEVER ordain me a priest!"

"But what if he asked you?"

"He won't."

"Humor me."

"There's a reason two priests lock arms with the candidate for ordination to the priesthood and escort him to the Royal Doors and keep him there!"

Clarissa laughed, "Nice! So you would?"

"Yes, but the bishop won't. So it's sort of a moot point."

We arrived at Father Nicholas' house, and he greeted me at the door in his cassock. Usually, around the house, he'd wear normal clothes, but if he was outside or if he had people coming to see him, the bishop wanted him in his cassock. I received his blessing and introduced Clarissa.

"I remember you from the day Reader Michael was tonsured," he said. "You were with that group of his friends from school, right?"

"Yes, Father," she said.

"Come into my study," he said.

We followed him through the house to a study with walls lined with overflowing bookshelves. He had us sit in two nice leather chairs, and he sat down across from us behind a large desk, which was covered with papers and books.

"What can I do for you, Reader Michael?"

"I wanted to speak to you before I spoke to Vladyka ARKADY. I'm not sure if you are aware, but I was seeing Deacon Vasily's daughter, which was arranged by Mrs. Orlova."

"And Katy Malenkov, as arranged by Mrs. Sokolova. Why do I sense a battle of the «бабушки» (babushki)?" he said mirthfully.

"That would actually be easier to deal with," I sighed. "But Katy and I decided to stop dating because she's going to Stanford, and we wouldn't be able to see each other very often. She was asked to Prom and wanted to go, so we decided it was best to put things on the back burner, if you will."

Father Nicholas nodded, "A mature and wise thing to do, which leaves open the possibility for the future."

"Yes. Anyway, I was seeing another girl from Holy Transfiguration. She was here for my tonsuring, along with my family and Tasha. I was home on Tuesday night to celebrate my sister's birthday and saw Tasha. We had a disagreement, which I'll talk to you about in a moment. The next morning, I went to the other girl's house to have breakfast with her and her parents. Afterwards, I drove her to school, and she gave me a good kiss before she got out of the car. Tasha saw and was obviously upset. She and the girl got into an argument and got detention.

"Then, this morning, Mr. Orlov called and severely reprimanded me for disrespecting Tasha. It seems Tasha told her godmother that we'd agreed to be betrothed, but that's simply not true. I had agreed with Tasha that we wouldn't make any decisions like that before she graduated. Had I done so, I would never have agreed to date Katy, and Mrs. Sokolova would have known from the grapevine!"

"May I speak freely in front of your friend?"

"Yes, of course."

"Your behavior was unwise but not inappropriate. You do need to be a bit more careful about public displays of affection, but by no means am I telling you not to kiss a girlfriend. On the other hand, we have had the other conversation."

"Clarissa knows. She's my best friend. Pretty much if I've told you, I've told her."

"But there's nothing romantic between you two?" he asked.

Clarissa turned to look at me, and I nodded slightly.

"I'm lesbian, Father. Mike's known for a few months. I admitted it publicly a few weeks ago."

"That answers my question but raises several others."

"May I speak freely?" she asked.

Father Nicholas laughed softly, "Yes, of course."

"Mike has been supportive of me as a person. He's met my friend, and he's explained the teachings of the Church. Because of that, my friend agreed to come to his ordination. I'll be there as well, as will our friends Robby and Lee. They're gay, Father."

"I think I see where this is going," he said. "Clarissa, what do you think of the Gospel?"

She smiled, "Before I met Mike, I would have said I was an agnostic, leaning towards atheism. He's shown me a very different side of Christianity from any I've ever encountered. He's made me curious. He's made my friend curious. He's made Robby and Lee curious. Do you know what he told us when we asked about coming here? That if sinners weren't welcome in church, it would be empty!"

Father Nicholas nodded, "Quite true. Do you believe you're sinning?"

"I'd have to believe in sin to believe I was sinning."

"A very honest answer. Reader Michael, I take it this is what you're going to talk to the bishop about?"

"Yes. Mr. Orlov fired me from my job and declared I was despicable for bringing homosexuals into the church. He fired the girl I was seeing back in West Monroe for being a 'harlot'. He also said he was going to call the bishop."

"So you're trying to head him off at the pass?"

"I'm going to go to Vladyka, tell him what happened, and allow him to decide what to do. I believe it will be better for everyone if he hears it from me. Then he can tell me what he intends to do, and I'll abide by whatever he says."

"You realize he may elect not to ordain you and might even elect to laicize you, though I doubt that will happen."

"I understand. I'll obey his direction, whatever it is."

Father Nicholas nodded, "Clarissa, you, and any of Reader Michael's friends are always welcome here, so long as you respect our traditions for attending services. Has Michael explained the Church's teaching on homosexuality?"

"That the desire itself is not a sin, in and of itself, and that ALL sex outside marriage is sinful."

"That does sum it up. Are you going to Cincinnati?"

"Yes," Clarissa replied. "I would like the bishop to see that Mike's friends support and love him and tell him the same thing I just told you."

"If you'll pardon the slight indiscretion, I'll be VERY curious to see what happens."

"You and me both, Father," I said.

March 12, 1983, Cincinnati, Ohio

When Clarissa and I arrived at the church in Cincinnati, I retrieved my cassock from the bag in the back of my Mustang and put it on. The two of us went into the church and were greeted immediately. I introduced myself and said we were attending Vespers, and then I'd be speaking to Vladyka ARKADY. We made our way into the nave, and Clarissa grabbed my arm.

"Pews?" she whispered.

"About half our churches have them," I replied quietly. "I don't like them because they interfere with doing proper bows and prostrations and make doing certain services more difficult, but a lot of congregations prefer them. There are no canons which forbid them, so it's up to each congregation in consultation with the bishop."

She nodded, and we stood quietly until the bishop came in to take his place on his throne in the center of the nave. In Russian churches, the kafedra was a platform with a movable chair where the bishop would sit and from where the deacon would proclaim the Gospel. It was one of the challenges with having pews, as it required ensuring proper space for lines for the Eucharist, among other things.

I moved from my pew to receive the bishop's blessing, then returned to my spot just as the priest and deacon began the Vespers service. I didn't need a prayer book as I knew all the prayers by heart, but I helped Clarissa follow the service, showing her the 'movable' parts which were printed in the bulletin, including the troparia for Saint Athanasius and the troparia for Meatfare Sunday.

When the service finished, after venerating the cross, I went back to stand with Clarissa to wait for the bishop.

"Was I supposed to go up with you?"

I shook my head, "Only if you wanted to kiss the cross and the bishop's hand. It's not uncommon for visitors who aren't Orthodox to not do that."

"I just don't want you to get in any trouble."

"I should have said something, but don't worry, that won't be a problem."

It was about fifteen minutes before the bishop finished speaking to members of the congregation when he signaled that I should come to him. I did, taking Clarissa with me. I received his blessing, then introduced Clarissa and asked that she be able to join us. He arched an eyebrow but nodded. We followed him to what I assumed was the pastor's office.

"So, Reader Michael, what was so urgent that it needed my immediate attention?"

I repeated what I had told Father Nicholas earlier and wasn't surprised when the bishop had a slight smile and a twinkle in his eye, then shook his head.

"I believe you've made quite the mess for yourself, Mischa!" he said with a soft laugh.

Once he called me 'Mischa', I knew I could address him as 'you' without violating protocol.

"Yes, I have. But I wanted to ensure you knew I had made no promises to Natalya Vasilyevna."

"I am sure that's the case, as you explained everything to me when we were in McKinley. But this cannot be the sole reason you are here."

"It's not."

"I assume that the young lady here has something to do with it?"

I nodded, "Yes, but most likely not the way you think. I shared something with Natalya Vasilyevna which offended her and which she told Mrs. Orlova, who told her husband."

"And what was that?"

"That I'm a lesbian, Your Grace," Clarissa said.

"He took offense at this?" the bishop asked.

I nodded, "Yes, and that Clarissa and two of my friends who are gay were at Saint Michael when you tonsured me and plan to come to my ordination. Because of that, he fired me from my Summer job."

The bishop was quiet for a time, and I simply waited. It was clear he was carefully formulating his next words. Clarissa looked as if she was about to say something, but I put my hand on her arm and gave a brief shake of my head, indicating she should wait.

"Reader Michael, you are aware of the teachings of the Church on this matter, are you not?"

I nodded, "Yes, Your Grace. The desire is not the sin; the sin is acting on that desire. But the same would be true of any fornication."

"Yes, but, you see, there is an important difference. I mean no disrespect to Clarissa, but there is a fundamental difference between you kissing Janelle Catherine and Clarissa kissing another girl in public. You do understand this, right?"

"I mean no disrespect, Your Grace, but Jesus was accused of eating with prostitutes and tax collectors."

"And what was he doing there? Condoning their behavior?"

"No, of course not. Would it be OK for Clarissa to describe how I behave around them?"

"Yes, of course," he replied, nodding to Clarissa.

"He's explained the Church's teaching to all of us," she said, "and did it in a loving way, to the point where we want to be there when he's ordained. As I told Father Nicholas earlier today, Michael has shown me a very different Christianity from what I've ever encountered before, and my friend, I guess is the way to say it, asked if SHE could attend. But we don't want Michael to get in any trouble or upset anyone."

"What did Father Nicholas say, Mischa?"

His continued use of the familiar name gave me hope that things would turn out OK, but that still remained to be seen.

"That any of my friends would be welcome, so long as they respected the traditions of Orthodox behavior in the church. I promise none of them will do anything to give offense, and as I said to my mom, I can't think of any place more important for sinners to be than in church. And that if we exclude sinners from the church, the church will be empty."

"Clarissa, do you acknowledge what you are doing is sinful?" the bishop asked.

"As I said to Father Nicholas, I'm not sure I believe in sin, so the answer has to be 'no'."

"Thank you for your honesty. May I hear your thoughts on this matter, Mischa?"

"Vladyka, all I can do is live the Gospel. And if my friends are to be saved, it begins with me living the Gospel in a way that proclaims the truth of the Faith. If I refuse to associate with sinners, who is going to witness to them? Certainly not the Calvinist preacher who runs around campus proclaiming God's judgment on the world while ignoring His love!

"I would say this — nobody in the congregation knows my sins except Father Nicholas. If either Tasha or Mr. Orlov elects to reveal Clarissa's sin, how is that Clarissa's fault? Is she unable to be saved? Is her sin so heinous that God cannot love her? I've heard Father Herman and Father Nicholas say that denying God's power to save is the one truly unforgivable sin."

Bishop ARKADY nodded, "All of that is true, but we must be careful not to give offense. I'm curious: why did you reveal this to Natalya Vasilyevna?"

"Because Clarissa and I plan to go to medical school together and do our Residencies together, and it would have come out eventually. We made those plans before I knew she was a lesbian, and I don't see how refusing to have anything to do with her, as Mr. Orlov demands, is at all Christian. If sinfulness precludes her being a doctor, then it precludes ME from being a doctor. I told Natalya Vasilyevna because I didn't want to hide anything from her or create problems when she became aware.

"Vladyka, when I recite the prayers about being the chief sinner, I believe what I'm saying. Whatever sins Clarissa may have are between her and God, but I am absolutely sure they pale in comparison to my sins. If I didn't believe that, I'd be guilty of the sin of pride, which is even WORSE! I'm in no position to judge her, though I am in a position to teach her. As I've said to others, when I manage to remove the log from my eye, then I'll be able to see well enough to remove the splinter from Clarissa's eye."