Chapter 4: A Father\'s Advice

June 25, 1982, West Monroe, Ohio

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not," I replied.

"Why?" Becky asked. "We've done it before. I don't have a steady boyfriend. And you said you don't have a steady girlfriend."

"That's true. May I ask a very blunt question?"

"Sure."

"Are YOU looking to be my girlfriend?"

Becky shook her head slowly, "Remember what I said back in October? That I had no illusions about it and that I had no designs on you? But that if I had the ability to make a wish, it would be to explore a relationship with you? Well, I want to explore one. I'm not asking for a commitment from you, Mike; just a chance. If nothing comes of it, then nothing comes of it. But I want you to make me feel the way you did that night in October, and I want to make you feel good. Please?"

"I'm not sure how that would work with you in Michigan and me here."

"We would talk on the phone, see each other occasionally on breaks, and see where it leads."

I decided to try a bit of levity.

"Bed, I'm assuming."

That had the desired effect, as Becky laughed hard.

"Well, yes, but I meant in the future."

"Bed IS in the future," I said, continuing to tease her.

"I mean FURTHER in the future!" she said, still laughing. "As in after Monday!"

"If I agree to sleep with you, my dad is going to give me grief about it."

"But not your mom?"

"Mom doesn't give me grief; she just makes observations and lets me draw the necessary conclusions."

"Necessary?"

I chuckled, "If you remember, she just asks the right questions in a way that makes the answers obvious if you stop to think about them."

"Your mom is totally cool. I talked with her a lot when I stayed here before going back to Michigan. Your dad always seemed a bit stand-offish, though he was really sweet."

"He's just quieter and more introspective," I said. "I've started talking to him more, and it's helped. But usually, I seek him out because he's more comfortable that way."

"Will you talk to him before we go to bed?"

"Slick," I grinned. "I'll talk to him and then decide IF we're going to go to bed!"

"You don't want to?"

"I never said that!" I protested. "I'm debating the wisdom of doing it."

"Neither of us are virgins..."

"Obviously!" I interrupted, chuckling.

"And we've done it together before. We like each other and are friends. Maybe we can be more than friends; maybe not. But I LIKED having sex with you. I WANT to have sex with you! And if I recall correctly, and I'm sure I do, YOU liked having sex with ME!"

"I did."

"I haven't done it with anyone else, so the playground is just the way you left it!" Becky smirked.

"I'm actually hoping it's been washed since then!" I chuckled, wrinkling my nose.

"You dope! You know what I meant! And if you're concerned, you could help me wash it! I'm sure you wouldn't mind!"

"You know, my mom predicted this," I said.

"That you would help me wash there?" Becky giggled.

"NO! When I told her I planned to sleep on the sofa bed, she reminded me that's not what happened last time."

"So she's OK with us sleeping together in your bed?"

"I think the best way to put it is that she won't object."

"And your dad?"

"Will tolerate it, but he'll ask me questions to make sure I'm treating you properly."

"Like, your techniques and how many times I orgasm?" she smirked.

"NO! That I'm not lying to you or misleading you or taking advantage of you."

"And if I WANT to be taken advantage of?" she laughed.

"You really are in a mood tonight, aren't you?"

"I thought you liked being silly and teasing."

"I wasn't objecting', I replied, "I was just making an observation."

"If we leave the lights on," Becky said impishly, "I can observe your technique and report back, if necessary!"

"I don't THINK so!" I chuckled.

"So no lights then?" she smirked.

"Lights are fine. Reporting back is NOT!"

"So you will?"

"Let me talk to my dad first, OK?"

"What are you going to say?"

"The truth. Then I'll listen to what he has to say and decide what to do."

"It's so weird that you talk to your parents about sex!"

"I hope I can have these kinds of honest and frank talks with my kids. I think it's helped me a lot. I just wish I'd started talking to my dad sooner."

When we arrived home, I was happy to see my parents were still up, and I asked my dad to talk. We went down to his workshop, where we could have some privacy.

"Your mom predicted you'd come to talk to me when you came home."

"I'm not really surprised," I replied. "When I told Becky she could visit, Mom pretty much suggested what Becky had in mind."

"And you think that's a good idea?"

"I didn't come here to tell you that Becky and I are sharing a bed; I came here to talk to you about it."

"But you're going to do it, aren't you?"

"I haven't decided. She asked, and we talked about it on the way home from the movie."

"You're sleeping with Jocelyn," he stated.

I nodded, "And last week, she told me Becky was going to ask! Maybe I should have realized, but Becky likes me."

"As in, she wants to be your girlfriend?"

"So it would seem, though, she was totally upfront about the fact that distance presents a problem. She wants to explore a relationship."

"Having sex is NOT exploring a relationship, Mike."

"That's not the exploration part," I replied. "She was going to ask me to sleep with her no matter what. The fact that she's interested in a potential relationship changes the picture pretty dramatically."

"Are you interested in her that way?"

I shrugged, "I don't know. Jocelyn and I have been having some serious heart-to-heart talks about that exact topic. Not about Becky, but about Melody, Tasha, Katy, and Angie."

"Ask yourself this question, Mike — is that the kind of man you want to be?"

"Dad, the only girl I ever asked to have sex with me turned me down, and that was a good thing. I'm not casually having sex. In fact, I put the brakes on with two of the girls because I don't want to be that 'kind of man', as you put it. Jocelyn and I had a long, deep conversation before I spent the night with her. Becky and I had one back in October and another one tonight.

"I guess the thing to say is that I don't think sex should be reserved for marriage, but I also don't think it should be casual. I've turned down several girls at Taft because there was no relationship or real possibility of a relationship. And before you raise the question of Jocelyn, it's complicated. Very complicated."

Dad smiled and nodded, "So your mother says. You and Jocelyn have a very, very intimate relationship that started in kindergarten. She's your best friend. You two are obviously compatible in every way imaginable."

"You're telling me she's the perfect mate, aren't you?"

"You could adopt, Mike."

"Did you and Mom plot together?" I asked with a sigh.

"Your mom might have said something to me about it," Dad said with a soft smile. "Being a parent isn't only about biology."

I took a deep breath and blew it out, "I hear you. Doctor Hart and I talked about options back when Jocelyn told me about the hysterectomy. I also did a bit of research into adoption. My real concern, as is Doctor Hart's, and Jocelyn's, for that matter, is that I'm so set on having biological children that marrying someone who can't have kids might end in disaster."

Dad nodded, "I can't tell you what to do about that any more than I can tell you what to do about Becky. You're an adult, Mike. But I think you should reconsider the situation with Jocelyn. Talk with her about it. Talk with your mom. Talk with your counselor if you feel the need to. Just be sure you're making the right decision about Jocelyn."

"You ARE telling me what to do about Becky," I countered. "If I reconsider things with Jocelyn, then there isn't a chance for Becky."

"Despite my confidence, I'm not the one who has to decide. Neither is your mom. If YOU can't do it, then don't force the issue. Your mother and I have known Jocelyn for as long as you have; in fact, you insisted that we both meet her right away!"

I nodded, "I knew she was special that first day in kindergarten."

"We've watched the two of you grow up together and have seen for years that the two of you have something special. There are married couples who can only dream of having a relationship similar to the one you two have. We're biased in Jocelyn's favor, obviously, but we would never tell you what to do. We'll love whichever girl you marry as our own daughter. You have my word on that."

"Thanks," I said, then sighed. "So much has happened. I just don't know."

"And if you don't know, then you need to keep your options open. Don't force things, Mike. That will only make things worse and might ruin a beautiful friendship."

"Which is what our concern was before we went to Cincinnati last Summer. It almost happened when she had her accident. We've managed to get past all of that and get our friendship back to where it was."

"And now, in addition to being afraid of doing anything to mess up the friendship, there is the question of biological children."

"Yes," I said, nodding slowly. "But I don't know if I can get past that stumbling block."

"Only you can make that decision," Dad said. "Don't rush into it."

"I have no plans to rush into anything with anyone."

"Except bed with pretty young girls?"

I looked at my dad's face and suppressed a laugh.

"Are you jealous?" I asked with a silly smile.

"That, Son, is a question I dare not answer!"

"Because he values his life!" Mom laughed from behind me.

"How long have you been listening?" I asked.

"Just from your dad's question about pretty young girls!"

"And Dad saw you, didn't he?" I grinned.

"Of course!"

"I think I'm going to go upstairs," I said.

"Mike, do what's best for you," Mom said.

"As if that was an easy thing to figure out," I sighed.

"Mike, make your own decision," Dad said.

I nodded, "Good night."

They both said 'good night', and I headed up the stairs to find Becky waiting in the living room. I needed time to think, and I probably needed to talk more with Becky. There was something gnawing at me, but it was something I couldn't voice to anyone. I'd have to think it through for myself.

"Let's take a walk," I said.

Becky sagged back on the couch and looked sad. I walked over, took her hand, and led her out the front door. I remembered a walk taken just over a year previously where I was the one who was unhappy. Jocelyn, Dale, and I had walked into West Monroe and back after I'd blurted out my feelings for Jocelyn, and she'd shot me down. And it was Jocelyn who was foremost in my mind.

What was bugging me was that if my parents were correct, and Jocelyn felt the same way, why in the world would she suggest I be with Becky? I was making an assumption, but the more I thought about it, the more I was sure the assumption was correct. Everything fit. So why? To drive a wedge between me and Melody? That certainly fit both what she had been saying and what my parents were saying.

"What did your dad say?" Becky asked quietly.

"Actually, it was mostly about Jocelyn, not about you."

"Jocelyn? Why?"

"Because my parents believe she and I should be together. They both made some pretty strong arguments as to why."

"Are you thinking of doing that?"

I shrugged, "I have no idea what I'm going to do. Mostly, I'm trying to figure out what Jocelyn is thinking."

"Isn't she your best friend? Why not just ask her?"

I laughed, "If only it were that easy. She and I have talked it through, and I thought we'd come to a conclusion, but now I'm second-guessing myself."

"Why?"

"Because I could read what Jocelyn said in a couple of different ways, but there's one way which makes everything fit."

"You've lost me."

"Sorry. Basically, she encouraged me to date and just have fun rather than try to have a serious girlfriend, at least for the next few years. The rationale she gave was about Tasha and, to some extent, Angie, but I wonder if it wasn't really for her."

"But she can't have kids, right?"

"Which has been my hang-up ever since I found out about the hysterectomy following her accident. My dad said something today that really opened my eyes. He said being a parent isn't only about biology."

"No kidding," Becky said with a sad sigh.

She had a very good point, even though it wasn't uttered aloud. Her biological parents were downright evil, and her life at home had been nightmarish.

"I guess I'm just not sure about adopting. First of all, from everything I understand, it's expensive, and I wouldn't be able to afford it until after my Internship, if even then. Second, would an adoption agency put a baby with a family where the dad was working ninety-six hours a week? Or even eighty during my first year of Residency? Especially with my wife probably needing to work at least until I'm a Resident?

"It's funny because my mom said I had the relationship part worked out in my head but that the practical matters would be what drove my decisions. She was talking about marriage, but I think babies, whether biological or adopted, are just as much of a practical challenge, if not more. With biological kids, it's just making the decision for yourself. You don't have social services agencies deciding if and when you can have a kid. After my experience with Family Services, they are the LAST people I want to be involved in my decision to have kids.

"The other thing is, adoption takes a long time, from what I hear. And if I can't even start until I'm a Resident, and have to be approved, and then wait for a baby to be available, I'm not sure we could have the three or four kids I think I want by the time I'm thirty-five. I really don't want to be in my fifties with three or four teenagers!"

"So kids are more important to you than who your wife is?" Becky asked.

"I guess it sounded that way, didn't it?" I sighed. "That's not what I believe. I was just going over the practical issues. It's the same as figuring out my finances. I sometimes get locked into a mode of thinking when I'm trying to resolve what appears to be a blockade to what I want. Kind of like my focus on school."

"Maybe that's what Jocelyn is trying to get you to do — forget those practical issues which don't matter until much later and just enjoy being in college."

"That has to be tempered with ensuring I get straight A's. Right now, that has to take priority."

"Including over relationships, right?"

I nodded, "Yes."

"Sorry to go back to the issue of kids, but you know there are no guarantees you could have your own, and sometimes it takes a long time, too."

"I know, though April Nash and Jocelyn's parents might dispute that!"

"Liz told me your ex-girlfriend was pregnant. Do you think she was trying to trap you?"

"You mean because she asked to go out with me? I have no idea. Liz thought it might be possible, but I just don't think April would do something like that. That said, I do think if I'd slept with her, she would have taken it as a commitment to marry her, and THAT would have ended in disaster because she wouldn't marry in the Orthodox Church."

"So, back to the present ... what are you going to do?"

"The more I think about it, the more I'm sure Jocelyn is right and that I shouldn't be overly serious with anyone in the short term and not worry about it for a couple of years. That's when at least one situation will come to a head."

"Tasha?"

"Yes. Around the time she graduates or a bit before, she's going to expect to be my steady girlfriend. I can put off a decision until then, but no longer. And it will foreclose that possibility if I don't ask her by then."

"And you and me?"

"Actually, a couple of things we've talked about are relevant. You're Baptist; I'm Russian Orthodox. And there's the situation with my education and training. You said you wanted to explore a relationship, but those two things are pretty much not negotiable. There's a bit of wiggle room on going to church, but it's about how much, not what, if you get my drift."

"Church, I think I could deal with. It would be strange at first, but I'm pretty sure it would be OK. Despite the situation at home, I always felt I'd marry a good Christian man."

"I'm not sure I'm all that good!" I said with a silly smile.

Becky smiled, "We both sinned. Together!"

"A fair point," I chuckled. "Have you ever been to a service at a Catholic church?"

"Once, with my friend. I didn't find it all that weird, though my dad flipped out when he heard about it."

"And you saw our church last Summer, so you know we're kind of over the top compared to Roman Catholics."

"'Smells and bells,' as my dad called it? Obviously, I'd need to experience an actual service, but I think I'd be fine. It's not having significant time with you during your training part that is the real concern. I just have no idea how I'd feel. But we're apart most of the time now, so maybe that tells me something. But if you're not going to go steady with anyone for a couple of years, does that matter right now?"

"I suppose it doesn't, though if you come to the conclusion you can't handle either of those things, it would mean it could never get serious."