Chapter 47: Paging Doctor Hart...

February 1, 1983, McKinley, Ohio

"What the heck were you thinking?" Doctor Hart snapped. "That has to be about the dumbest thing you could possibly have done!"

"Funny thing," I said. "I agree with you."

"There is nothing funny about what you did! You're lucky as Hell that it turned out as well as it did!"

"Again, funny thing, I agree with you."

"Cut it out, Mike!"

"Sorry. I beat myself up enough about this that I'm not sure I need your help."

"So why tell me?"

"I thought I was supposed to tell you everything these days. In fact, you insisted on it."

"I did. Are you going to be able to control your newly discovered superpower?"

"I could have a lot of fun..." I smirked.

"Mike, if you aren't going to be serious..."

"Sorry. Fundamentally, I did it as an experiment, not expecting it to work."

"And when it did, you thought, 'why not?' and ran the risk of potentially scarring a young woman for life."

"Doc, whatever mistakes I made, Kristin came looking for me the next day. My bigger concern, as I said, was Angie's reaction to the whole thing."

"Setting aside the foolishness of your behavior, I think you know the answer to the situation with Angie. You know the risks involved in trying to walk down that path. And that makes your behavior with her almost as foolish as you deflowering a girl just because you could. Pushing Angie is NOT the right solution. You could easily push her to suicide by trying to force the issue."

"She's the one who's trying to force things!" I countered. "All I did was tell her the truth about how I felt and what the future would have to look like."

"Which brought about something which might have resulted in a disastrous course of action. The best choice would have been to simply say to Angie that she wasn't your girlfriend and that who you dated is up to you. Leave it at that and suggest she speak to her counselor about it. I would have thought you had learned something from what happened with Jocelyn."

"I pretty much came to that conclusion myself last night. What do I do if Angie makes another attempt?"

Doctor Hart sat back in his chair, and his face softened, "Hell if I know. From what you describe, it's very likely she does have the symptoms to support a diagnosis of Inhibited Sexual Desire, though obviously, I'd have to do my own workup to know for sure, and that might just be a symptom of something else. Your idea that you might talk to her counselor is probably a good one, but you can ONLY do that if Angie invites you to do so. You said you mentioned it to her, and you need to leave it at that. Don't push."

"And if she asks me to kiss her again?"

"Honestly? I think you have to say 'no'. The problem is, I have no idea how she'll react to that kind of rejection. Maybe her therapist does, but maybe even she's in the dark."

"So it's an impossible situation."

"Mike, she's not my patient, so I can't say anything definitively, but she has serious troubles, and even the slightest misstep on your part could have terrible consequences."

"So what am I supposed to do? You've just told me that pretty much anything I might do could create a situation that spirals out of control. And even if I manage to maintain the status quo, eventually, that has to end because I'll be involved with someone in a way that doesn't permit the kind of intimacy that Angie and I have."

"All I can tell you right now is that a long-term relationship with Angie is likely to end in tears or worse. This is one of those things which could lie dormant and rear up when you least expect it and wreck your relationship."

"I've thought about that — how do I ever know she's past her problems? And I'm not sure I know the answer."

"With most psychological problems, we don't know the answers. We work with a patient to ensure they can function properly in society, which doesn't mean they're cured. It's not a direct analogy, but we don't cure alcoholism; we help the alcoholic stop drinking."

"You're saying she might not be cured? Ever?"

"I can't say, but the goal of therapy would be to get her to a point where she could have a successful physical relationship if that's what she wants, which it clearly seems she does. Whether that's a cure or not is a complicated question. She might well struggle with this for the rest of her life. That's what you'd be signing up for, Mike. And this isn't like the situation with Jocelyn, where you could adopt kids to resolve the underlying issue of her not being able to conceive. A marriage to Angie, which became sexless, would be exactly that. Your options would be divorce or cheating."

"Neither of those is an attractive resolution," I said.

"Obviously. Which is why I'm telling you that if you walk down that path, even a short way, it has to be with your eyes wide open. You could easily find yourself in exactly the situation you were trying to avoid with Jocelyn — a marriage which could not produce biological children."

"I guess the fundamental problem is that just trying to live my life the way I wish could set her off."

"Yes, it could. But you only have two choices here — get on with your life or commit to Angie with the expectation of never having any physical intimacy. She might not even be able to sleep in the same bed as you."

"I can't make that commitment," I said.

"I wouldn't expect you to."

"So I guess then I could ask Kristin out."

Doctor Hart shook his head, "You could. But what's your point in doing that? To try to pretend there's a relationship in a one-night stand? To assuage your guilt for, in effect, tricking her into surrendering her virginity?"

"That is NOT how it happened!" I protested.

Doctor Hart smiled, "Then why do you feel so damned guilty about it?"

I smiled ruefully, "Because I DID, in effect, trick her into surrendering her virginity."

"And in the process, discovered that you can't handle casual sex."

"Sandy?"

"There's a world of difference between having a long-term sexual relationship with a friend and having what amounts to a one-night stand. And I think that's the reason you're considering a date with Kristin — to turn it into 'not a one-night stand' because you're feeling guilty as Hell for doing it!"

"Mindy?"

Doctor Hart smiled, "Again, there was something there to build on, and you didn't manipulate or trick her in any way, as best I can tell. In fact, you pushed back for a long time. Then you decided it was OK and did it. That's not what happened with Kristin. You don't feel guilty about Emmy, either, because you established a relationship in advance."

"I think you're probably right," I replied after a moment's thought. "But even a relationship isn't necessarily enough."

"I believe we've discussed this before. You're at that age where you're figuring out who you truly are and what you truly believe. In most cases, that can't happen until you move out of your parents' house. That means experimenting and making mistakes and learning from those mistakes. I remember our first talks, and at that point, I would never have expected what happened with Kristin. But your thinking evolved, and you became comfortable with your sexuality. Then you crossed a line, discovered you didn't like what you found, and are dealing with the after-effects.

"People in your current situation often run to two extremes — chastity or promiscuity. I'd advise strongly against either of those. Well, let me qualify that a bit. I absolutely recommend you do not simply go on a rampage, using your newly discovered superpower, to bed half the girls at Taft. Or any, for that matter. On the other hand, brief abstinence is not a bad thing. What you've done with Sandy probably hit the right note, so to speak — until you got your own thinking in order, you refrained from sexual activity."

"Which brings us to the real reason I think I'm here today — Clarissa."

"The young woman who seems to have become your absolute best friend in the world."

"And who, correctly, said we're soulmates, despite the impediment of her sexuality."

"Your soulmate doesn't HAVE to be someone you have sex with, Mike. You and Jocelyn were soulmates for a good thirteen years without it. And I think that, along with some of your more feminine qualities, has predisposed you to having a female best friend. And with Clarissa's sexuality, it allows a deep bond of friendship without the complications of sex."

I nodded, "I can see that. But even that complication is complicated. Clarissa and I were talking about the future. We already plan to go to medical school together, serve our Residency together, and practice in the same hospital. We were talking about that, and one thing led to another, and we were talking about a crazy scenario where we married, but each had our own female lovers. We'd have sex to make babies, and maybe even once a year on our anniversary, but it wouldn't be the norm."

"Have you both lost your minds?" Doctor Hart laughed.

"Obviously, and neither Clarissa nor I would deny that! We both agree it's crazy talk, but as Clarissa said, it does make a 'stupid amount of sense' in a weird way. Fundamentally, we're trying to define our relationship, and neither of us has a model from which to work. We talked about me helping her have a baby or two at some point, but obviously, there are complications to that if we don't get married. None of the girls I'm seeing would contemplate being mistress to a man married to a lesbian."

"Let's unpack that a bit," Doctor Hart said. "First, the whole idea of a heterosexual male helping a lesbian female conceive isn't crazy. It happens, sometimes via intercourse, sometimes via artificial insemination. That part actually makes a reasonable amount of sense, given your relationship and the fact that neither of you would seem to have a problem with jointly raising a child in that way.

"Obviously, your wife would have a say in the matter, as would any lesbian partner Clarissa might have. And given your chosen career, you'll likely be married by the time Clarissa is ready to conceive, which pretty much limits the solution to artificial insemination. Where your problem would arise would be your wife agreeing to the process, even if it's, well, indirect.

"If you and Clarissa are seriously considering that option, you need to make sure a potential spouse can handle it. And, as with Angie, you never know how things might change. Which means you run the risk of making plans, and when the time comes, your wife refuses to allow it to happen. Now you're in a situation of having to choose between a wife and your best friend. And there is only one choice there if you want to stay married."

"Obviously," I agreed. "Anyway, we more or less agreed it was all a pipe dream, and that all we could do is move forward as close friends and see what happens, with the most likely outcomes being nothing or having a kid or two together, one way or the other. Then Clarissa decided to up the ante on crazy."

"I'm not quite sure how that's possible."

"Oh, it's possible. I don't think I told you that before that last crazy conversation, Clarissa and I have joked about sex, teasing each other, knowing it wasn't going to happen. She said, a few times, she could have sex with me as her soulmate but not me as a man. And she suggested hormone therapy and a sex-change operation."

"If you're seriously considering that, I'm WAY out of my league."

I laughed, "Doc, the chances of anyone getting anywhere near that part of my body with a scalpel are zero. Not happening. Period. As I said to Clarissa, I'll pass. She's made jokes about how, in effect, I like my secondary sex characteristics more than I like her!"

Doctor Hart laughed, "Most men are unwilling to part with that particular organ!"

"You think?" I grinned.

"So, no sex-change operation."

"No. But Clarissa said that if we were serious in any way about what we were discussing, we needed to go to bed together to make sure she could handle it long-term."

"Are you a complete idiot?" he asked.

"I thought we'd already established that!"

"That's as risky as your relationship with Angie!"

I shook my head, "I don't think so. Clarissa and I have exchanged a single solitary soft kiss. And we've slept in the same bed several nights."

"When did that happen?"

"You're the one who wrote the prescription," I smirked.

"I did NOT tell her to get into bed with you!" he protested.

"Relax, Doc," I grinned. "We were both fully clothed, and there was no making out. That kiss was later. I did, while I was asleep, cup my hand on her breast over her sweatshirt. She wasn't offended. In fact, I'd say she was amused. But then she said she didn't mind because it was properly intimate. I teased about slipping my hand inside her sweatshirt, which is something I wouldn't have done, and she shot me down in her usual playful way. All of that tells me it's different from Angie."

"What was your response?"

"After I came to? I told her I needed to talk to you about it."

"You didn't literally pass out, did you?"

"No. I was just stunned because it was the last thing I expected her to say. In hindsight, though, it was the obvious thing to say. I just missed it."

"And?"

"And nothing. I'm sitting here talking to you about it."

"Your response to her tells me you understand the risks involved."

"That as a lesbian, she might have a very bad reaction to sexual intimacy with a man. Which is why I didn't give her a definitive answer and why I'm talking to you."

"You know, when we first started talking, I had the idea that my challenge with you was going to be one of getting you to consider a wider range of possibilities in life. Boy, was I ever wrong!"

"That WAS the concern back then," I said. "So you weren't wrong. What happened was I encountered situations I'd never encountered before and people I'd never encountered before. I had the same two friends from second grade onward, and it was from kindergarten with Jocelyn. I went to the same church in the same building for my entire life. We've had the same priest from about the time I was five and the same bishop from before I was born. I lived in the same house my entire life until I came to Taft. I have barely ever left the state, and when I did, it was usually to go to Pittsburgh or Naperville, outside Chicago. Well, one trip to Disney World years ago, but that's it."

Doctor Hart smiled, "I would never in a million years think about calling McKinley the 'whole, wide world', but given your rural upbringing and your self-limiting with regard to relationships, I suppose it is. Your reaction to it is the least common. Usually, it's along the lines of the World War I song, How Ya Gonna Keep 'em Down on the Farm (After They've Seen Paree?). Yours is more akin to the Amish kids following Rumschpringe."

"What's that?"

"It's a concept which varies between Amish sects, but generally, it refers to a time, usually during the late teens, when the Amish kids decide whether or not to accept baptism. In some cases, it involves literally leaving the community for a time; in others, simply a bit more freedom than they'd see as an adult member of the community. In the end, something akin to 90% of them elect to be baptized, including most of the ones who venture out into the 'English' world, as they call it."

"I knew a little bit about the Amish, but I didn't know about that."

"My point is that even this part of the 'wider world' is enough to convince you that you belong in Harding County, even if you work in McKinley or Columbus. In a sense, it was better for you to take this small step than go to someplace like Ohio State, or to be totally crazy, UW-Madison, or to be further afield, UCLA. In those places, the overload might have made you pull into your shell or might have given you the means, motive, and opportunity to be even crazier than you have here.

"What I'm trying to say, I think, is you're exploring your limits and finding out what they are. That's a good thing and something I was concerned you might not do. If you'll forgive me, Jocelyn's accident basically broke you out of your shell. It just took some time for your new thinking to evolve and manifest itself. And it has. But now, by your own admission, you think you've taken it too far."

"Oh, I could have taken it a lot further," I grinned. "A couple of fairly wild girls I know offered to fulfill my fantasies. Together."

"What made you turn them down?"

"Clarissa, of course! I asked her about fulfilling fantasies, and she told me to think about what might lead to greater regret — doing it or not doing it. In the end, I was sure I could live with myself not having done it, but not sure I could live with myself having done it."

"Very good. I'd suggest that while you might have enjoyed it, in the end, your conscience would have eaten you alive."

"Might?" I smirked.

"OK," Doctor Hart laughed. "You ARE a guy, and I have to admit I've had the same fantasy, though I never had the opportunity to fulfill it. I'm not sure I could have said 'no' had I had the chance. But, back to reality; what are you thinking with regard to Clarissa?"

"That I have plenty of time to think about it. And so does she. In the end, the bottom line is that Clarissa and I need to clearly define the terms of our relationship so that we can explain it to future partners before there are any misunderstandings."

"Very good. You need to be extremely careful."

"I know. Clarissa and I would never do anything to intentionally hurt each other."

"I'll point out the obvious — that didn't stop you and Jocelyn from hurting each other."

I took a deep breath and let it out, "No, I guess it didn't."

Our time was up, and I needed to get to biology lab, so Doctor Hart and I shook hands, and I left his office. My biggest concern now was how to deal with Angie. I felt Doctor Hart was right about Kristin — that I was trying to relieve my guilt by having a relationship, however brief and tenuous, with her. The situation with Clarissa was just a matter of the two of us working to define the terms of our relationship. Angie was the potential disaster.

When I reached the biology lab, I greeted Sandy and Clarissa, then sat on the stool between them and took out my lab notebook.

"Everything OK?" Sandy asked.

I nodded, "We can spend some quality time together this afternoon, if you want."

She laughed, "Are you kidding?"

February 2, 1983, McKinley, Ohio