Chapter 46: Clarissa Explains It All

January 30, 1983, McKinley, Ohio

"Well, isn't THIS a fine mess," I sighed.

"I didn't mean to depress you," Clarissa said. "I was trying to make a point."

"Besides the fact that we're in love, soulmates, and you're a lesbian, which kind of makes it all moot?"

"Oh, it most definitely does NOT!" Clarissa objected. "For someone who has been with at least half a dozen girls by my count, you sure have this really stupid mindset about sex! If it was so damned meaningful, you wouldn't be so free with it! Get your head out of your butt or out of the clouds, or wherever it is, and take a reality check!"

"I thought that's what I was doing!"

"Not if you don't understand that our love and intimacy isn't moot just because we don't have sex! And just because you have sex with someone doesn't mean you're intimate!"

"They are two different things," I said slowly, stroking my thickening beard. "And I keep equating them."

"That's what I don't understand, Petrovich! You have casual sex but still believe sex is always intimate!"

I laughed, "Who have you been talking to?"

"I might have asked Doctor Blahnik if she knew something about how Russian friends speak to each other. I heard Tasha use the 'cutesy' name for you when she was here the first time, and that didn't feel right.

"Mishka?"

"Yes."

"That means something like 'Mikey'. Mischa, without the 'k', is the equivalent of 'Mike'. Tasha uses the first one. My grandfather and his friends use the patronymics with each other!"

"So, Petrovich," Clarissa said with a smile, "back to the three things. There are other people you love and are intimate with. And I do NOT mean this in a gross way, but your mom is a perfect example of someone you love deeply and with whom you have a very intimate relationship."

I nodded slowly, "OK, I can see that, yes."

"And other girls you've been with, have you been intimate with them? Or loved them? Or did you just have sex?"

"I suppose there's a mix. There are a couple of girls with whom it was 'just sex'."

"And you don't feel bad about them, do you?"

Emmy and Mindy were the obvious ones, and I didn't feel bad about them at all. Emmy and I had stopped seeing each other because of her dad, not because either of us really wanted to stop dating. And Mindy, well, if I was honest, she was a lot of fun, and I certainly wouldn't mind being with her again. But those two situations were VERY different from what had happened with Kristin.

"No, I don't think I do. But I knew them and talked to them. With Kristin, we went from 'hello' to 'Oh, God!' in just over twelve hours, and it could have been an hour if it weren't for curfew."

Clarissa laughed, "That good, huh?"

"I'll be happy to demonstrate!"

"You just keep that thing safely tucked into your pants, Mister!"

"And our conversation yesterday?" I asked. "Suddenly, it's way more relevant than I realized."

"Because you're exceedingly, disastrously clueless at times! I had to explain it all to you! I swear, for someone who's brilliant, you can be a real dope at times!"

"I know," I agreed. "So what do I do about Kristin?"

"What do you WANT to do about Kristin? If I may be indelicate, do you want to fuck her again?"

"At the risk of sounding even more stupid than usual, I did, right up until I discovered she was a virgin."

"Yep, that's more stupid than usual," Clarissa said, shaking her head. "I could see the logic of saying 'no' and stopping because she was a virgin, but once the deed is done, that no longer makes sense. Didn't you tell me you had no problem with that?"

"Yeah, and I conveniently channeled my dad when I told you I felt I'd taken something that didn't belong to me."

"I sense some larger issue there."

"As my most intimate friend, I'll share because I think I need to in order to explain myself. My mom wasn't a virgin when she met my dad, and he reacted as if her first lover had taken something which my dad felt rightfully belonged to him. You know, as if it was his property. It really bugs me that I had that same feeling, only in reverse."

"Did you feel that way about Sandy?"

"No."

"You are a strange man, Petrovich!" Clarissa said, shaking her head. "I know Jocelyn was a virgin, from what you said. Did you feel that way about her?"

"No, of course not. I think my problem is HOW this happened. I seduced her because I could and for no other reason."

"She has as much responsibility for her actions as you do for yours. And I KNOW you don't think having sex creates a permanent relationship!"

"No, I don't. But she might! I know girls who have that attitude."

"Tasha, obviously."

"Obviously. But I know that, and I act appropriately in accordance with that knowledge."

"Did Kristin extract any promises from you? Insist on a profession of love?"

"No, but I'm not sure she was thinking straight."

Clarissa laughed softly, "Because horny teenagers always think rationally about having sex?"

"Well, no," I chuckled. "Can I ask you a question?"

Clarissa smirked, "Yes, I'm a horny teenager! But my fingers work as well as your hand did before your first time."

"So why not?"

"Because I'm not ready. Some day in the not TOO distant future, I'll meet her, and, as you said the other day, stick my tongue deep inside her, and she'll do the same for me, and I won't be a virgin anymore."

"You know, I hadn't thought about what not being a virgin meant in that context!"

"And Robby and Lee?"

"You'd have to ask them, and I'm not sure I want to know THOSE details!"

Clarissa shook her head, "You're going to be a doctor, for Pete's sake! You may not WANT to think about it, but you're going to have to think about it if you want to care for your patients the way you say you do. And who would be better to talk to than a couple of your best guy friends who won't get all freaked out by you asking general questions? Heck, knowing those two, they won't care if you ask specific questions!"

"Probably. But how do I talk to Kristin about this?"

"One word at a time, with appropriate pauses and inflections to indicate punctuation."

"Ha, ha! Very funny!"

"I'm actually serious. Just talk with her."

"And say what? 'Hey, sorry about taking your virginity without understanding what it might mean.'?"

"Don't be daft! If you DO want to hurt her, that would be a great way to do it! Do NOT start with an apology!"

"What about something along the lines of saying we should have talked first?"

"Try just asking her how she feels, you idiot! Find her later today or tomorrow, and say, 'Hi, how are you doing?' Just be your normal, friendly self. Then, take it from there. I can't write a script for you because I have no more idea what she's thinking than you do! And quit obsessing!"

"I am a complete idiot at times," I sighed. "And yes, I am obsessing. I'll do it your way."

"It's about time!"

"I also need to talk to Fran about Angie, and I should do that before the day is out. Maybe tonight when we write up our lab reports."

"If you want my opinion, and I'm assuming you do, but if you don't, you're going to get it anyway — that's your bigger concern."

"I know. But there's a bigger one."

"What?"

I smiled, "And you call ME clueless!"

"Us?"

"Us."

"Deal with Angie and Kristin first," Clarissa said. "Our conversation is going to be weird enough without you being preoccupied."

"And it wasn't weird before?" I asked.

"It's going to get weirder, I think."

"Yeah."

We got up off the bed, hugged, and went out of my room. I knew I needed to spend some time with Sandy, and I decided I needed to do that before I went to talk to Kristin, as I had no idea how long that conversation would take. I went out to the common area of the floor and didn't see our friends, so I walked down the hall to Sandy's room and knocked. When she opened the door, I took her hand, led her back to my room, and sat down on the couch.

"Have fun?" she asked.

"You're not jealous?" I asked.

Sandy laughed, "Of what? You and Sophia get together, and I know you have girls back home! We agreed this is just about enjoying each other's physical attention and having someone warm in our beds, right?"

"Yes."

"So, no, I'm not jealous. Contemplating the ways I could torture and kill Dean Parker because I can't sleep over, but not jealous!"

"Four weeks from tomorrow," I sighed. "I'm really sorry. I miss having you in my bed."

"And I miss being in your bed! And speaking of that, are we going to talk or fuck?"

"I'd prefer to talk," I replied.

"Uh-oh," Sandy said.

"Trust me, it isn't about you, and I'm not trying to send any subtle message to you."

"That thing with Angie is bugging you, isn't it?" Sandy asked.

"That's part of it," I replied. "I'm going to talk to Fran tonight to see if I can get some insights. I'm not sure I should go directly to Angie without doing that."

"Don't let it drag too long," Sandy said. "She may be waiting for you to come talk to her."

"I'm not sure about that," I said. "She didn't go to church this morning."

"Did you go knock on her door?"

"No. I didn't want a confrontation or to upset her."

"You don't know much about girls, do you?"

"Obviously not. What did I miss now?"

"She may have wanted you to come after her."

"After giving me grief about Kristin?"

"I don't know for sure, but I'd say she's jealous and feeling like you cheated on her."

"Uhm, what about you and me?"

"She knew about it and approved it in advance, right?"

"«Дерьмо» (dermo)," I sighed. "I hadn't thought about it that way. I felt it was more like she was saying I could do what I wanted, and if we ever got together, what happened before wouldn't matter. I guess I thought that was a general statement, not specifically about you." ("damn")

"I'm safe, Mike! Angie knows all I want is a good fucking and a warm bed! Kristin is a threat! So is Tasha, but the entire world knows you two aren't sleeping together."

"Except her dad," I groused.

"I think you're right in that his real concern is that Tasha's little sister is having sex, not that he really thinks Tasha is."

"Probably. I suppose I'll find out more when I go home next weekend and can speak with Tasha privately."

"He'll let you take her out?"

"I'll just take her out to dinner after Vespers at a diner close to the church, then take her home. Tasha won't be happy, but it'll show her dad I respect him. And her."

"I just can't imagine living under someone's thumb that way," Sandy said. "It would be stifling."

"A lot of it is cultural," I said. "Normally, you would expect someone who was as conservative as Tasha to be meek and mild, but she's Russian! And Russian women are NOT meek and mild!"

"The evangelical fundamentalist girls I knew back home who were under that kind of control would never think to talk back to their dad the way you said Tasha did. They'd be totally mortified."

"Fortunately, I haven't had much interaction with evangelical fundamentalists. Jocelyn was Lutheran, and Dale wasn't religious. Even April wasn't a fundamentalist, even though she objected to anything that was 'too Catholic'."

"Back to Angie, you agree with me?"

"I do. But I still think I need to talk to Fran before I talk to Angie."

"Are you and Kristin going to be a thing? Do I have to share?"

"I honestly don't know. It's actually the thing with Kristin that has us sitting on the couch instead of being in bed."

"Second thoughts?"

"Third and fourth, I think."

"What's the big deal? She came to you, right? No different from what I did."

"It's more complicated than that," I said. "It's difficult to discuss without violating confidences. But I'm not sure I did the right thing."

"Using your guitar to get laid like every lead singer of every band ever in the history of the world?" Sandy laughed. "The guys in my High School who were in a band could have banged half the student body! All of it if they were bi!"

"Including you?"

"I went to a concert once, and the guy had a voice not all that different from yours. If he'd shown the slightest bit of interest, he'd probably have had me years before you did. But he had his pick of the hottest girls in the class!"

"I think he missed out on something special," I said.

"That's sweet of you to say," she said softly, then leaned over and kissed my cheek.

"Even if it's a stereotype, should I have done it? I feel as if I manipulated her."

"Maybe because you did."

"Yes."

"But she's an adult and could have said 'no' if she'd wanted."

"Could you have? I mean, back in High School?"

"Uh, maybe you have a point. Kind of like the guy who tells a girl he loves her to get her into bed when he really doesn't."

"I need to talk to her."

"And Angie. I get the feeling you need to resolve those two things before you're going to want to fool around again."

"Sorry."

"Mike, I totally understand. The last thing I want is to mess things up between us before we're both ready to stop. A few days without it won't kill me."

"I appreciate it."

"Go talk to whoever you need to talk to."

I kissed her softly, and we got up and walked down the hall, with Sandy heading to her room and me going to Kristin's. I knocked on the door, and Kristin opened it.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi!" Kristin gushed. "Want to come in? I have more cookies, and there's hot water for cocoa."

"Sure."

I stepped inside and saw her roommate was gone, so we'd have some privacy. She poured two packets of hot cocoa mix into mugs, added hot water, and put coffee stirrers in them. She handed me a mug and then opened the tin of cookies. I stirred my cocoa, then took a cookie.

"How are you?" I asked.

She smiled ruefully, "You were right. I feel like someone took a cheese grater to my insides. You're kind of big, and I obviously still had my cherry."

"Sorry," I said.

"You made me feel really, really good! Don't apologize. It's just a bit uncomfortable now, but I guess that's normal."

"As long as you're OK."

"It was nice of you to come check on me."

"I was a bit worried about you."

"You mean because it was my first time?"

"Yes. And because of how it happened."

"Isn't that what you wanted? I mean, you spent the entire time singing to me and making eyes at me. It was like you were asking me to have sex with you!"

"I was, but I'm concerned that I manipulated you."

"Was I your first?" she asked, taking a sip of her cocoa.

I almost put my foot right into my mouth by speaking before thinking and was glad I realized she meant my first seduction, not that I was a virgin.

"Yes, and I guess that's why I feel weird about it."

"So you have your first groupie, and it bothers you?" she laughed.

"Is that what you are?"

"I think that's what you're worried about."

"I was seriously afraid I might have hurt you in some way. That I hadn't properly thought through what I was doing and what it might mean."

"You want to know why I did it?"

"I guess so, yes."

"About halfway through your first set, I realized I was excited by your attention, and as you kept singing, I got this weird feeling in my stomach. I was thinking you could have any girl there, but you wanted me, and that was exciting. By the time you got to your encores, I just had to have you. I've done lots of making out and stuff, but never went all the way, obviously; but at that point, right then, it was like I would die if I didn't do it."

"And then I walked away because of curfew."

"I was bummed, but I understood. I went to bed and thought about what it would be like and got even more determined to do it. In the morning, I went to your room, but you were gone. Your roommate told me you were at church, and that's when I remembered you told me about that. The feeling kind of wore off by the time I came back in the afternoon. That's why I had you sing to me. To see if I still felt the same way. I did."

"And now?" I asked warily.

"I told you I'd do it again with you. You said you don't have a girlfriend, so if you ask me out, I'll say 'yes'."

The fact I was going to be away meant I could put things off a bit to figure out how I felt and, if I was honest with myself, to assuage some of the guilt I felt by not casting her aside just a few hours after she'd had sex with me.

"I'm going home this weekend and leaving late Friday afternoon. I won't be back until Sunday evening. My study group meets every evening from 7:00pm to 11:00pm. Can we talk about it next week?"

"Sure."

I finished my hot chocolate, and Kristin and I hugged, and she gave me a quick peck on the lips. I left her room and went back to mine, feeling somewhat better. The gang was out doing something, and I wasn't sure where they were, so I took the opportunity to call home and talk with my mom and Liz and then to call Janey and let her know I'd be home on Friday night. We made a date, and then I called Tasha.