Chapter 45: Fear of the Unknown

January 29, 1983, McKinley, Ohio

"These cookies are excellent!" I declared.

I took another bite and washed it down with a bit of hot cocoa.

"Believe it or not, it's just the 'Toll House' recipe!" Kristin said. "I'm glad you like them."

"You liked my songs?"

"Oh man, those love songs made me shiver! You must have really loved her."

"I did, and I still do, but it doesn't really matter now."

"I guess not," she said quietly. "Why pick me to sing to?"

"I saw a pretty girl who didn't have a guy with her," I replied lightly.

"I really liked it. Nobody has ever done anything like that for me before."

"I've never done anything like that before!" I chuckled. "My guitar teacher suggested it as a way to connect. She's had me sing to someone during our lessons occasionally."

"Who's your teacher?"

"Doctor Blahnik."

"Is she the pretty blonde professor who is on the side of the students at student government?"

"That's her."

"She's done a great job if you've only been playing and singing for a year."

"I'll let her know," I grinned.

"Want another cookie?" she asked.

"As many as you'll let me have!"

She held out the tin, and I took another cookie and ate it, then drained my mug of hot chocolate. Kristin took it from me, running her fingers along my hand in the process. She put the cup down, came over, and stood close in front of me. She looked into my eyes, and it was clear she wanted a kiss. I pressed my lips against hers and pulled her into my arms. She parted her lips, and the soft kiss turned into a deep French kiss as our tongues toyed with one another. Kristin squeezed her arms tightly around me and pressed her body into mine.

"Do you want to stay?" she asked quietly when we broke the kiss.

Did I? I was a bit surprised to find that the answer was 'yes'. I'd really only done it as an experiment, but once the experiment worked and the opportunity presented itself, I wanted to take advantage of it. The only problem was curfew, which was only fifteen minutes away. And as much as I wanted Kristin right at that moment, I had to think about the bigger picture.

"Curfew is in fifteen minutes," I said.

"Nobody pays attention to that," she replied.

"Did you know I put in an RA application? And that Dean Parker is on the evaluation committee?"

"You're afraid someone would find out, and you'd lose the position because of her?"

"Yes."

"That stinks," Kristin sighed, putting her head on my chest.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were going to ask me to stay, or I would have said something."

She laughed softly, "It's not your fault! I didn't know I was going to ask until after I kissed you, and I didn't know I was going to kiss you! I mean, I wanted to, but I wasn't sure I should, or you would, or whatever!"

"It's OK. Would you like another kiss?"

She didn't say anything but raised her head from my chest for another French kiss, which we held for quite some time. When we broke it, she put her head on my chest again and squeezed me tightly.

"Can I see you tomorrow?" she asked.

"I have church in the morning and study group in the evening, so it would have to be after lunch. Come find me, if you want."

She lifted her head, smiled, and we kissed again. When we broke the kiss, I said 'good night' and headed back to my room to find a VERY cross-looking Angie.

"Where were you?" she asked accusingly.

"Eating chocolate chip cookies," I replied. "Why?"

"Because I saw you sing to that girl, then go off with her!"

"That's true," I replied. "And now I'm here, and we can say our prayers."

"No. I'm going to bed."

"Angie," I replied, being careful to not sound angry, "you can't have things both ways. You have to either get past your hang-ups or accept that I'm going to see other girls."

"You have Sandy! What do you need other girls for?"

"Sandy and I aren't dating, which you know full well. I'm not steady with anyone, so I can date whoever I want! There is only one way you get a say in that matter! I don't know what you want from me."

"I told you!" she protested.

"You did. And at the same time, you told me about your aversion. As much as I love you, and as much as I enjoy spending time with you, that's a deal-breaker for marriage! Not before, but certainly after! I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but the only person who can change this is you! I've offered every possible concession. I simply CAN'T offer a concession of marrying someone who doesn't want to ever have sex!"

I saw tears stream down her face as she turned and bolted from the room. I considered going after her, but I had no idea what I could do or say that would help. And the last thing I wanted was for her to do something we'd both regret because she was so emotional. Instead of following her, I waited a bit, then went down the hall, past her room, to Clarissa's room, and knocked.

"What part of 'NO!' don't you understand?" she asked with a soft laugh.

"Drat!" I laughed. "But seriously, Angie needs a friend. Who can talk to her?"

"I could."

I shook my head, "It really can't be you, Sandy, or Sophia, for basically the same reasons."

"Excuse me?"

"Not that!" I laughed. "Angie is jealous of all three of you."

"What set this off?"

"Kristin," I said. "Angie confronted me and then left in tears before we said our prayers."

"That's serious," Clarissa said, but then a sly smile spread across her face, "If I hadn't seen that thing with Kristin with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it! Let me guess, she offered to fool around, but you turned her down because it was ten minutes to curfew?"

"Fifteen, but yeah!"

"Unreal! Maybe Fran? She's practically engaged to Jason."

"Would you ask her? I need to get out of 'girl territory' in two minutes, or I turn into a pumpkin.

"Sure. What's your end game?"

"Heck if I know," I sighed. "I'm afraid at this point that she's just too risky. But I'm not giving up completely."

"OK. Scoot before you get in trouble."

We exchanged a quick hug, and I hurried back to 'boy territory' before the clock struck 11:00pm. I got my kit and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and empty my bladder, then went back to my room and went to bed, wondering if Angie would accompany me to church.

January 30, 1983, McKinley, Ohio

I checked my watch for the fourth time, knowing I had to leave in less than a minute or I'd be late, and that wasn't acceptable given my duties at the reader's stand. Angie hadn't shown up at her usual time, and now she was four minutes late. I thought about going to her room, but the last thing I wanted was an early-morning confrontation.

When a full five minutes had passed, I had to leave. I went to the elevator, rode it down, then walked to my car for the drive to church. When I arrived, with basically no time to spare, I put on a cassock and set out all the books, then got Father's blessing and put on vestments. Three hours later, I reversed the process and joined the rest of the congregation in the parish hall.

"Where's Angie?" Katy asked after greeting me.

"She didn't meet me in my room this morning. I think she might have been feeling under the weather. How are you?"

"Good. I was happy to see you tonsured."

"Thanks."

"You aren't angry with me, are you?" she asked.

"No, I kind of knew it was coming; it just wasn't when I expected or what I expected."

"Mom and Dad really got on my case," she replied.

"Because of what we did?"

She smiled, "No, because I broke up with you. Remember, they thought we did that a long time ago."

"I hope they didn't give you too much grief."

"Just one lecture about how I treated you. I'm sorry about that."

"Katy, the issue really was that I was confused. But we shouldn't really talk about that here or now."

"Probably not. Is it OK to call you?"

"Sure. I was hoping we could find a way to at least be friends."

"Thanks for letting me off easily."

"You're welcome," I said with a smile.

"You can sit with us if you want."

"Sure."

I joined Katy and her parents for lunch and, after lunch, headed back to the dorm. The gang, minus Angie, was waiting for me and filed into my room when I opened the door.

"Do you hear confessions?" Robby asked with a silly grin.

"I don't think I want to hear YOUR sins!" I said with a laugh.

"He can confess HIS sins to US when that cute girl from last night comes by!" Lee laughed. "She had that look!"

Sandy smirked, "She did! Mike, save some for me, please!"

"Stop!" I laughed as I walked into my bedroom.

I put on my latest album purchase, Sweet Dreams by the Eurythmics, grabbed a bottle of Coke, then asked Clarissa to step in for a bit of privacy.

"Anything?" I asked after I closed the door.

"Fran tried to talk to her last night and again this morning, but Angie is a complete wreck."

"Wonderful. I don't know what to do for her."

"I'm not sure either. She wants to be with you, but she can't. In a way, it's worse than you and me."

"How so?"

"Hear me out completely before you get any stupid ideas, OK?"

I laughed, "Sure."

"With you and me, I COULD actually have sex with you. Remember what I said about wishing you were a girl? And how I would have sex with Mike, the person, but not Mike, the male of the species? Angie can't even say THAT."

"So, you COULD?" I grinned.

Clarissa smacked me hard on the arm, but she was laughing, "Did you even HEAR what I said, you idiot?"

"I did, but you know me — one-track mind!"

"So I should just undress, get on the bed, spread my legs, and let you do it? Would that make you happy?"

"No. I told you it wouldn't, and why."

"Do you see my point about Angie? How it's worse? You and I cuddle, but she's scared to do even that. You and I kissed once, and it was really nice, but kissing scares her to death. I guess she kisses you 'good night' and is freaked out about it, even though you don't kiss her back."

"That's what she said. So, what do I do?"

"I don't know what you can do unless you're going to be completely chaste and not be my cuddle buddy."

"To what end?" I asked. "I told Angie that sex after we married was a non-negotiable item because it is! It would be like marrying you! And as much as I like you, and as close as we are, and even being soulmates, as you said, I couldn't do that anymore than you could."

"What if we marry, you have your girl on the side, I have my girl on the side, and we live happily ever after?"

I laughed, "And kids?"

"We're anatomically compatible, and I COULD see us doing it for that very specific reason."

"This conversation suddenly turned VERY weird."

"I know," Clarissa said, shaking her head. "I didn't expect those words to come out of my mouth AT ALL! I surprised myself!"

"Hmm," I grinned. "So, in that scenario, could we have our wedding night and then maybe do it once a year on our anniversary?"

Clarissa laughed, "And it just got totally weird because that actually makes a stupid amount of sense in a very strange way. But doesn't that cause you problems for church?"

"More than you can imagine unless it were all kept completely under wraps. And I'm not sure that's even possible. And how do we find these girls who'll accept that kind of situation?"

"I guarantee they're out there. We just have a big house; they're our housemates, and nobody knows what goes on inside except us."

"You're actually considering this?" I asked.

"Aren't you?"

"We're both insane!"

"Was that ever even a question?" Clarissa asked with a laugh.

"No!"

"I think it's a pipe dream, really," she sighed.

"Probably. So, what should I do about Angie?"

"Talk to Fran, I guess. And take it from there."

"OK."

We hugged and went back out to sit with the gang, minus Angie. I figured I could talk to Fran while we worked on our lab reports during study time, and that would give me more time to think about what it was I wanted and how I should handle the situation.

"Is Angie OK?" Sophia asked.

"She's not feeling well," Clarissa said. "But I checked on her, and so did Fran."

"When are you going to sing again?" Lee asked.

"Maybe next month," I said. "I don't want to just do the same songs every time, so I need to learn a few more. If you have requests, let me know. And before I forget, I'm going home next weekend. I'll leave Friday after class and come back Sunday in time for study group."

"How does that work with church?" Lee asked.

"I let the priest know today. They have other people who can do what I do; they just aren't official readers. Not every church has a reader, and ours likely won't once I become a subdeacon. So lay people can do it with the blessing of the priest or bishop."

"Our church back home doesn't have a reader or a subdeacon," Sophia said. "You can deal with that. It's tough to not have a deacon, but that's doable. It just means the priest has to do everything."

"How come you don't go to church?" Sandy asked.

"I'll go for Palm Sunday, Unction, and Pascha. Well, this year, I'll go on Holy Saturday morning to see Mike ordained. I go on Christmas and a few other times, too. Going to church is not as important to me as it is to Mike, but I do believe. And I want an Orthodox wedding, and I want to have my kids baptized. We get a lot of married-in folks in our church, like Mike's dad."

"Mike?" Kristin called out from the door.

"Come on in," I said.

"And that's our cue to leave!" Sophia laughed. "Let's go to the boys' room. We'll see you later, Mike!"

They all filed out, with Robby pulling the door closed behind him.

"I didn't mean to chase away your friends," she said.

"You didn't. They guessed you'd come by at some point! Would you like a Coke, RC, 7-Up, Orange Crush, or Grape Crush?"

"Orange, please."

I got her a bottle, and then we sat on the couch, our hips, shoulders, and legs touching.

"You're pre-med, right?" she asked, then took a swig of her Orange Crush.

"Yes. You?"

"Computers. You're a Sophomore?"

"Yes. You?"

"Freshman. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"That girl, Angie, isn't she your girlfriend?"

"No. We run together, go to church together, and hang out, but we're not involved."

"That's weird because everyone thinks you guys are basically engaged. I wondered about that when you were singing to me, not her."

"I wouldn't have done that if she was my girlfriend."

"That's what I thought, which is why I offered you cookies!"

"They were really good!"

"I'm glad you liked them. And the kisses?"

"Those, too!"

The album side ended. I got up to change it, but Kristin stopped me.

"Sing something to me!" she begged.

I nodded and got up, then went into my room to get my guitar and folders of sheet music. I handed them to her to pick a song. She paged through them and pulled out a song.

"I didn't see Don't You Want Me," she laughed. "So how about Waiting For a Girl Like You?"

"I've only played that a few times, but I'll try."

I shifted so I could hold the guitar but also look at Kristin while I sang. I began playing, making an effort to look into her eyes, despite needing to pay more attention than usual to the sheet music. By the time I finished the song, Kristin's eyes showed a burning desire. I put the guitar down, took her in my arms, and we exchanged a very sexy French kiss.

I carefully slid my fingers up Kristin's side, just grazing the side of her sweater-clad breast. Our kiss continued, which I took as permission to gently cup her breast. I moved my hand and traced circles around her nipple with my forefinger, causing Kristin to moan into my mouth. She broke the kiss to take a deep breath.

"It's OK to keep going," she whispered.

Our lips met again, I dropped my hand to Kristin's waist, and pushed my fingers under her sweater. I felt warm skin and continued upwards until I touched satin and once again cupped her full breast, this time over her bra. Kristin's fingers traced along my inner thigh, seeking and finding my growing erection through my slacks. She squeezed gently, causing more blood to flow and my erection to grow.

I moved my hand to Kristin's back and used two fingers and my thumb to unhook her bra, then slid my hand around to cup her bare breast. I tweaked her nipple, and Kristin moaned softly into my mouth. She ran her hand up and down my shaft, squeezing as she did so. I allowed my hand to drop, trailing my fingers along her abdomen until I reached the waist of her loose-fitting jeans.