Chapter 39: From Bad to Worse

January 5, 1983, Circleville, Ohio

I sat in stunned silence, completely unable to speak and barely able to breathe. Of all the things that could have happened or could have been said, that was the last thing I would have expected. That was doubly so after Katy had asked me to make love with her. I fought the urge to simply get up and walk out of the house. That was what I certainly would have done in the past, but I was resolved not to run away and not to be a coward. It took a few minutes for the mental short-circuit to clear so that I could speak.

"I don't understand," I said carefully.

"I know," she said quietly. "But after you decided you didn't want to live together, and I decided to go to Stanford, we were eventually going to break up."

"That's true," I agreed. "And we talked about it. But what confuses me is what happened tonight between us."

"Because I wanted you to be my first?"

"No, I think I understand that, after everything that's happened and everything we've talked about. It's the fact that we did it, and then you immediately broke up with me."

"I don't mean to sound flip, but if I had told you that first, would you have made love with me?"

"No, I don't think so."

"But you wanted to do it with me, right?"

"Well, yes, but ... sorry, I have no idea what to even say at this point. I guess it just doesn't make a lot of sense to me."

"I'm sorry if I hurt you. I didn't mean to."

"I don't even know if that's the right word for what I'm feeling right now."

"Do you regret doing it with me?"

I shook my head slowly, "No, I don't think so. But ... well, what next?"

"What do you mean?"

"How does this affect what we talked about? Seeing each other in the future? You know, on breaks or stuff."

"I don't know," she said quietly. "I'm not sure."

"Then I'm even more confused. And I really don't know what else to say at this point."

Katy took both my hands in hers.

"Mike, what we had was beautiful, but you did tell me to go away."

"But I didn't! I simply said I couldn't make a commitment to live together at this point. YOU decided to go to Stanford."

"You can't put all the blame on me!" she protested.

"I wasn't trying to," I replied. "It seemed as if you were trying to put it all on me! I was simply pointing out we both made decisions which led to this point. I just wish we had talked about it a couple of hours ago."

"But then it never would have happened!" she protested.

"Maybe not," I said. "But if it did, I wouldn't feel the way I do now."

"How?"

I shook my head, "I still can't describe it. It's like I'm falling in space, unable to control my trajectory. Or walking in a fog."

"Will you be OK to drive back to campus?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry you feel bad. That was never my intent."

"You didn't expect me to be upset?"

"I don't know," she said quietly. "What are you going to do?"

"Go back to Taft, say my evening prayers with Angie, and then go to bed. What else is there to do?"

"Nothing, I guess."

I stood up and moved towards the door. Katy followed me out of the room and down the stairs. I walked to the front hall and put on my coat, gloves, and hat, then walked out the front door. Katy walked with me, and when I got to the car, she touched my arm.

"Mike?"

"What?"

"I'm sorry."

"Me, too."

I got into the car without hugging or kissing her, started the engine, and pulled away, around the circle drive, and out into the street. As I drove back towards McKinley, I tried to sort out my feelings. It took most of the drive, but what I finally decided was that the problem wasn't having sex with Katy, but the fact that she'd decided to break up with me BEFORE we did it!

As I thought about it, really, breaking up hadn't been a surprise. In effect, that was what we'd agreed upon when I'd told her I wasn't ready to move in together. Her wanting to make love hadn't been a surprise, either. She'd wanted to do that before and, in fact, had almost done it without protection! It had been that 'near miss' that had caused her to start taking the Pill.

No, the surprise had been the sequence of events, and the fact that Katy had withheld information which I felt was material to my decision to have sex with her; information I felt she should have shared BEFORE asking me into her bed. I still couldn't quite put my finger on what I was feeling. 'Used' didn't quite describe it because I didn't think Katy had used me. 'Misled' was probably the best word because I felt she had been somewhat deceitful.

The question was, what to do about it if there was anything I COULD do about it. I didn't think there was, short of telling her I wanted to move in with her, which, at this point, I decidedly did not because she had misled me. And in the end, I knew THAT would stick in my craw for quite some time. Not as a grudge, but as a caution against anything Katy might say in the future.

As I pulled into the parking lot at Taft, I wondered if I'd done something similar with Jocelyn. Had I misled her? Had I not revealed essential information I'd had? Not told her of decisions I'd made? I tried to go over that in my mind, but so much of what had happened with her was a blur. It made me wonder if I shouldn't have kept an actual journal or diary so I could go back and review what had happened.

Of course, the problem with THAT idea was that anything I wrote would be highly suspect because it would reflect MY version of events, MY thinking, and MY understanding of what I'd said and what she'd said and what I'd done and what she'd done. And I knew I was an unreliable reporter in that regard.

January 5, 1983, McKinley, Ohio

I parked the Mustang in my spot, got out, locked the doors, and walked into the dorm. I took the elevator up to the eighth floor, found Angie so we could say our prayers, and after I brushed my teeth and used the bathroom, I went back to my room. I was VERY happy to find Sophia waiting for me, rather than Sandy. Not because I had changed my mind about Sandy but because I needed Sophia's special version of comforting.

Ten minutes later, we were spooned together, and my latex-covered shaft was also sheathed in her warm folds. I cupped Sophia's small breast and held her tightly.

"Katy broke up with me tonight," I said.

"What?! Why?"

"Maybe I should tell you what happened first."

I began gently thrusting in and out of Sophia's warm, tight tunnel as I described what had happened with Katy, starting with dinner and ending with her telling me she wanted to break up after we'd made love.

"Wow," Sophia said when I finished the tale. "She surrendered her virginity and then broke up with you!"

"I don't think that's how I'd characterize it," I said. "It wasn't a surrender at all. It wasn't something I was seeking, well, at least not directly. And she made love to me if you think about it."

"So what bugs you is that she didn't tell you beforehand she was planning to break up with you?"

"Exactly."

"I can see that," Sophia said. "But you said you had sort of expected it because she was going to California."

"Yes, but we'd agreed we'd see each other when she came home."

"I think she knew how things were going to end once you said you didn't want to live with her. I think, at that point, she was out of the running. And she knew it."

"Maybe," I said. "But then, why make love with me?"

"Because she wanted to? You guys had done just about everything else, right?"

"Yes."

"And you said she wanted to do it a long time ago, but you put the brakes on."

"Yes," I said.

"It all makes sense, I think. The relationship was over. She decided to end it by making love with you. And even though she didn't tell you, deep down, I think you knew."

"Probably," I sighed. "Sophia, will you do something for me?"

"What?"

"Let me make love to you properly. Please."

She was quiet for a moment, then pulled away. She turned to her back and held out her arms. I moved on top of her, and we exchanged a soft French kiss as I entered her. She wrapped her arms and legs around me, and we began the slow, ancient dance of lovers. Sophia reached the pinnacle of pleasure twice before I pushed deeply into her and filled the rubber with my cum.

"Thank you," I said, carefully withdrawing from her.

"That was beautiful," she sighed. "But we should never do that again."

"Why?"

"Because I don't think I could ever stop."

January 6, 1983, McKinley, Ohio

"Hi, Mike!" Milena said when I walked into the music room on Thursday afternoon.

"Hi!" I replied. "How was your break?"

"Good. Yours?"

"Good."

"Mom is running a few minutes late. She asked if I'd help you warm up."

I chuckled, "And you were quick to say 'yes'!"

"Well, if you're interested..."

"In singing? Yes. The other thing? Same answer as before."

"I can call Deb!" Milena teased as she took out her sheet music.

"Tempting, but no."

We sang a couple of songs before her mom came into the music room.

"Hi, Doctor Blahnik," I said.

"I'm sorry I'm late, Mike. When I set our lesson for 1:00pm this semester, I thought I could make it. Could we switch to 1:15pm? I have the next period free, so it won't be a problem."

"Sure."

"Thanks. Did you practice over break?"

"Some, yes, but probably not enough. I worked last week and was pretty busy otherwise."

"Well, a two-week break isn't terrible, especially if you practiced a bit. Shall we begin?"

I nodded and got out my guitar and sheet music, and after a bit of review, we began working on some new pieces. As always, Doctor Blahnik was patient in correcting me and gave me advice on how to adapt the music to my personal style and add my own flourishes. When the hour was up, I packed up my things and headed back to the dorm.

"Hey!" Clarissa said when I walked into my room.

"Hi, Lissa!" I grinned.

"Your mood seems to have improved from this morning."

"I wasn't really in a bad mood; I was just trying to sort out my feelings about what happened with Katy."

I hadn't told Clarissa and Angie about Katy and me making love, just about her breaking up with me. I'd tried to simply pass it off as no big deal, but they'd called me out on it, and then I'd told them about feeling confused because of what Katy and I had agreed about seeing each other.

"Yes, I know, but you still seemed a bit out of sorts. And you did try to pretend it was no big deal when Ang and I knew better."

"I know," I said, plopping down on the couch next to her.

Clarissa scooted slightly closer and leaned against me. I put my arm around her shoulder as we'd begun doing at the end of the last semester, and we sat quietly for a few minutes.

"Thanks," she said. "I really enjoy the cuddling. You're pretty cuddly for a guy!"

"Sorry," I chuckled.

"For what?"

"Having a Y chromosome!"

"No, you aren't! I know you better than that! Like every guy, that thing between your legs is of utmost importance to your being!"

"Well, I'm not going to part with it, if that's what you're getting at!"

"So you admit it's important?"

"Let's just say I like having it and leave it at that, shall we?"

"I think Sandy likes having it!" Clarissa laughed. "In fact, I KNOW she does!"

"If you think I'm going to apologize to you for THAT, you've seriously misjudged me!"

"I know better! It's your raison d'être!"

"Oh, it is not!" I chuckled.

"I meant evolution-wise! Women could get along just fine, making other women! It just takes a pair of X chromosomes, which we have! Well, plus a bit of technological advancement. That thing of yours is the only way to ensure Y chromosomes get where you want them so you can make more guys!"

"Well, when you put it THAT way, sure. But I don't THINK with it."

"Usually," Clarissa teased.

"OK. I'll admit that there are times!"

"Thank you."

"Hey, guys!" Sandy said, coming into the room. "Room for me?"

"The more, the merrier," I said, holding out my other arm.

"Fat chance!" Clarissa declared.

"You seem to have a one-track mind today," I teased.

"Clarissa," Sandy laughed, "Mike and I aren't steady. If you need that itch scratched, you might find him amenable!"

"I'd rather sleep with YOU!" Clarissa said with a laugh, nudging me slightly with her shoulder.

"Wow!" Sandy laughed. "Talk about being kicked to the curb!"

"I take no offense!" I replied with a grin, understanding the implication of Clarissa's statement in a way Sandy couldn't!

"Doesn't THAT look cozy!" Sophia laughed when she, Robby, and Lee came into the room.

"Find your OWN guy to cuddle!" Clarissa laughed. "This one is busy!"

"Mike, you're running low on Coke," Robby called from the bedroom as I heard change drop into the box on top of the fridge.

"Then I think we need a trip to the Quick Mart," I said.

"Nooooooo!" Sandy and Clarissa both whined in an exaggerated way.

"There will be time for cuddles later," I chuckled.

Everyone was laughing as we stood up and left the room, running into Angie, who put her books away and hurried to join us. We walked to the store, and when we went inside, I was surprised to see Mr. Sokolov at the register.

"Hi, Mr. Sokolov," I said. "No Paula or Nancy?"

"Hi, Mike. Nancy has a class this afternoon, and Paula took a new job as a secretary starting last Monday. I'm still looking for a full-time person to work days. If you know anyone, please let them know I'm hiring."

"I will," I said.

"If you wanted some hours, I could give them to you in the interim."

"Given my schedule and all the honors classwork, I don't think I could."

"I understand."

"Thanks for offering."

"You're welcome!"

I joined my friends and we picked up several cartons of pop. I picked some snacks to restock my shelf, and after I paid for my purchases, we all headed back to the dorm. We only had a short time there before Angie, Robby, Lee, and I headed to the dōjō for karate, and then afterwards, joined the gang for dinner and then study group.

January 7, 1983, McKinley, Ohio

"What are you doing tonight now that you aren't going to see Katy?" Angie asked as we rode the elevator down so we could walk to the gym for our morning run.

"I hadn't really thought about it," I said. "Want to go out?"

"Mike..." Angie sighed.

"Ang," I said playfully, "I didn't ask you to go to bed with me! I just asked if you wanted to go out!"

"But..."

One other thing I'd realized since Christmas was that the situation with Angie was growing weirder by the day. Not that things had changed, but that they hadn't. It wasn't that I was annoyed or bothered, but that I was a bit frustrated. Not because Angie wouldn't engage in physical intimacy but because she seemed to be stuck in a rut. And something had to jar her from it. I didn't know what her therapist was telling her, but I felt it was time to put my cards on the table, as it were.

What had finally made me decide to say something had been all the thinking I'd done about Jocelyn and about how she'd cut me off and, in effect, withdrawn from her entire past. I wondered if, at some point before she cut me off completely, a strong response on my part might have salvaged at least something. I'd been too afraid of confrontation, for the most part, and I felt that had contributed to the problem. I wasn't going to let that happen again.

"But what?" I demanded. "Going out together implies what, exactly? Clarissa and I go out occasionally, and I've never so much as kissed her romantically. I've had cups of coffee with Fran, and there is NO WAY she and I are doing anything because she's dating Jason."

"I think you're still interested."

"Of course I am!" I said, allowing my exasperation to show in my voice. "And that's not going to be news to anyone who's paying even the slightest bit of attention! But I told you a long time ago that I understand the situation. Look at what we do together as it is! What's the big deal about going out?"

"Because of how you feel."

"So going to church, praying, running, karate, hugs when I walk you to your room at night, all of those things don't imply YOU feel something?"

"Don't..." Angie sighed.

I stopped and took both her hands, "Angie, I think you need to finally be honest with yourself."

"About what?"

"That you're in love with me. And you're afraid that if you admit that to yourself or to me, it'll mean we HAVE to sleep together. It doesn't. Maybe that happens eventually; maybe it doesn't. But you have to stop lying to yourself and to me."

"Stop, please..." she begged.

"Angie, until you're honest with yourself, you'll never make any progress. And you'll never be happy."

"Why are you being this way?"

"Because I love you," I said.

I dropped her hands and continued walking towards the gym. Angie didn't start walking right away, but she caught up with me after I'd taken about ten steps. She didn't say anything, so I just let it go, hoping that I'd pushed her enough to help her get past whatever barrier was in her way. Now, it wasn't even about having a relationship with her but about helping her free herself from whatever mental or emotional shackles were restraining her.

We ran our usual distance, then walked back to the dorm in silence. After we showered and dressed, we joined the rest of the gang for breakfast, then headed to the dorm to hang out until it was time for our first class. After Genetics, Clarissa and I went for a cup of coffee.

"So, Sandy?" I smirked.

Clarissa laughed, "I knew she'd think I was being goofy."

"Are you attracted to her?" I asked.

"Does it matter? She's as straight as you are."

"That wasn't my question," I said gently.

"I suppose. But it's no different from you being attracted to me if you think about it."

"True. I was just curious. And in a way, it's like being attracted to Angie. I asked her if she wanted to go out tonight, you know because Katy and I broke up. She got kind of upset because she seems to equate going out with sex."