Chapter 37: Surprising Realizations

January 1, 1983, West Monroe, Ohio

"Good afternoon, Father Deacon," I said.

"Good afternoon, Mikhail Petrovich. Sit down, please."

Tasha and I exchanged a look, and we sat down on the settee but with about a foot of empty cushion between us.

"I would like the truth, Mikhail Petrovich. Have you and Tasha been behaving inappropriately?"

That was a good question to which ONE answer was 'yes'; but another answer was 'no'. I was reasonably certain he was asking the second question, not the first. I was about to answer when Tasha spoke up.

"Father!" she said angrily. "How can you ask that question?! I have done no such thing with Mishka! I am still pure!"

"Is that the truth, Mikhail Petrovich?"

"Yes, Father Deacon," I replied, suppressing my own outrage at the notion that he wouldn't trust Tasha's answer.

"You could say that, in confession, before the icon of Our Lord?"

"Yes, Father Deacon," I said evenly, despite now being extremely offended at the repeated questions. "Tasha is, as she says, still pure, and that will remain true until such time as it would be appropriate for it not to be!"

"Natasha," Matushka Alexandra said gently, "your sister says otherwise."

"And how would she know anything about it?!" Tasha demanded angrily. "As if I would somehow invite her to watch? Or tell her I had done such a thing, which I have not!"

"«Не будьте некультурными» (Ne budte nekulturnymi)!" her mother replied firmly. ("Don't be unladylike")

"But Mother, who is being «некультурный» (nekulturny)? Me? Or Sasha with her baseless accusations!" ("unladylike")

"Tasha, she says you spent time alone with Mikhail Petrovich in his dorm room when you visited."

"With the door open!" Tasha protested. "And only because Sasha was trying to get Mishka to behave inappropriately with her! He and I wanted to speak privately without Sasha listening. But other than a few kisses, we did nothing like that the entire time I was there!"

"Is this true, Mikhail Petrovich?" Deacon Vasily asked.

"Father Deacon, I've told you the truth," I replied, hoping I didn't sound exasperated. "Tasha has told you the truth. All we can do is ask you to believe us and trust us."

"Sasha is angry because she got caught!" Tasha declared. "And so she tries to deflect the blame to me when SHE is the one who is playing the «шлюха» (shlyukha) with some boy from school!"

I was surprised to hear Tasha call her sister a 'harlot', a term which was patently offensive, and was the equivalent of calling Sasha a 'slut' in English.

"Natalya Vasilyevna!" Deacon Vasily reprimanded his daughter sternly. "Do not use such words about your sister! Or any woman, for that matter!"

"But you think I'm a «шлюха» (shlyukha) because Sasha makes a false accusation? This is not right, Father! Do you wish to take me to the doctor to be examined? Or perhaps Mishka and I should marry right away so you can see the bloody sheets from our marriage bed, like in the Old Country?!"

"Natalya Vasilyevna!" Deacon Vasily growled, his dander up. "That is enough! Mikhail Petrovich, I believe you should leave."

"No!" Tasha protested.

I stood up and, in as calm a voice as possible, said, "Yes, Father Deacon. Tasha, I'll see you at Vespers tonight."

"Don't go!" she pleaded, a tear dripping down her cheek.

I resisted the urge to take her in my arms because I felt that would only make things worse.

"Listen to your parents, please," I said gently. "I'll see you in a few hours at church."

Tears streamed down her face, but there was nothing I could do except slowly walk from the room. I stopped in the foyer to put on my jacket, hat, and gloves, then went out to my car. I considered my options and decided the best course of action was to go home. That way, if Tasha called, I was there for her. Not to mention, I needed to give my parents fair warning of the storm which was raging in the Antonov household.

"Mike?" Mom queried when I walked into the house. "I thought you were spending the afternoon at Tasha's."

"So did I. Do you have a moment?"

Dad gave me a 'look', which implied he was concerned that I'd done something wrong, but I ignored him for the moment. I needed my mom's advice, not the 'Dutch Reformed' reaction I'd likely get from my dad. Mom and I went to the kitchen, where she had a pot of tea on the warmer. We poured ourselves mugs, she put on a sweater which was hanging on a hook by the back door, and we went out onto the patio. It had warmed up since I'd opened my window at 5:00am, and the temperature was in the low 40s, so we wouldn't be cold.

"What's going on?"

"Sasha snuck out last night and came home about 2:00am. She was with a guy from school, apparently."

"I'm surprised we didn't see the mushroom cloud from the Antonovs' house when Deacon Vasily found out!"

"I thought I was outside the blast radius until he and Matushka confronted Tasha and me. It appears Sasha may have suggested Tasha and I were intimate."

"«Господи, помилуй (Gospodi, pomiluy)!»" Mom breathed.

"'Lord have mercy' is right," I agreed.

"What happened?"

"We denied it, of course. And truthfully, Mom. Other than a bit of making out, Tasha and I have behaved in a way which even Deacon Vasily would deem appropriate. He's not too fond of us kissing, but Matushka told Tasha it was OK, so long as we behaved, if you get my meaning."

"Oh, I get it all right. So what happened?"

"I also got caught in the blast radius when Tasha exploded with righteous indignation after repeated accusations, as well she should! Once she offered to marry me immediately and show Deacon Vasily the bloody sheet from the marriage bed, he suggested I leave."

"I can see that," Mom said, shaking her head. "Tasha is no shrinking violet!"

"No kidding!" I laughed. "And if she'd had HER way in the past, I probably wouldn't have walked out of that house alive. Or at least with my «яйца» (yaytsa) still attached." ("balls"; Lit. 'eggs')

"For someone who seems to be having a lot of sex, you've shown great restraint," Mom smirked.

I wondered what THAT crack meant, but it was entirely possible she was fishing, and I wasn't about to take the bait and respond in a way which would give her ANY clue that I'd been with Janey or Mindy! Or anyone else, for that matter.

"Do I LOOK like I have a death wish?"

"So now what?"

I shrugged, "I told Tasha I'd see her at church and came home. But even before the blow-up, I'd told her just to agree to whatever new rules her father put in place, and we'd find a way to work within them."

"When did YOU become so sly and cunning?" Mom asked with an arched eyebrow.

"Self-preservation, Mom! Seriously. There are some lines which may not be crossed, no matter what my view of pre-marital sex might be. And I know I can't win an argument with Deacon Vasily, no matter what. So, if I want to keep seeing Tasha, I have to work within whatever rules he sets. There isn't another way."

"If you're that serious about Tasha, why bed all those other girls?"

I chuckled, "Is that a SERIOUS question from the woman who, when she was fifteen and in High School, decided she wanted to fool around and picked a hunky guy to do it with?"

"Never mind!" Mom laughed. "I should NEVER have said anything about that to you."

"Not true," I replied. "It made you more real, more approachable."

"What? Your mom wasn't a real person before that?"

"Actually, no, you weren't. That revelation showed me a whole different side of you I never would have suspected. And that's not a bad thing, Mom. I'm not Dad. Who you were with before him is your business. It's no big deal in my book."

"Obviously."

"If you want to play it THAT way, we're both sinners in the same boat. And you freely admitted doing it several times with the first guy and then pretty regularly with the second. I know you aren't a hypocrite."

"I try not to be, but sometimes, with kids, it's a real struggle."

"Liz."

"Liz. I do have to say I'm very happy you and Liz are closer than you were. She needs you, Mike. She doesn't have much use for her parents at the moment."

"I know," I sighed. "I've tried to talk to her about that, but I don't want to push too hard for fear she'll turn against me."

"Just worry about your relationship with her. Don't worry about your dad and me. Liz will grow out of it, eventually. Kids usually do."

"And me?"

Mom laughed, "You were an aberration. If I hadn't listened to that idiot psychiatrist, you'd have gone your whole life with a good relationship with your parents, which is pretty rare for a teenager."

"Jocelyn and Dale didn't really have trouble."

"Because the three of you were such 'goody-two-shoes' that there was nothing to cause conflict!"

"Gee, thanks," I deadpanned.

"Name one thing, just one, besides that incident when you were twelve, where you got in REAL trouble. I bet you can't."

"I think you'd win that bet."

"And the same was true for Dale and Jocelyn, right?"

"Yes."

"Goody two-shoes!" mom laughed.

"I come home, and I get abused!" I protested. "It used to be Liz, now it's you!"

"Oh, please! If you can't take a bit of teasing..."

"I can."

"I take it Mindy was good last night?"

"Yes," I said, suppressing a smirk. "Very. No complaints."

"Good. I was a bit concerned when I had to remind her this morning."

"The day teenage girls don't say something silly is the day the world ends!"

"Or teenage boys do something dumb!" Mom countered.

"Yeah, well. It's testosterone poisoning, according to Jocelyn."

"How are you feeling?"

"Lousy about that, but what can I do? Mope around? Would you allow that?"

"Not if I could help it, no. I wish she would get whatever help she needs."

"She seems to believe the only help she needs is to be away from me. I don't agree, obviously, but it's not up to me, is it?"

"No, it's not. All you can do at this point is wait."

"Which is always the hardest part," I said. "Do you know the Tom Petty song from a couple of years ago? It hit number one on the charts."

Mom smiled, "You know my taste in music!"

I nodded, "I do. And I think Tom Petty hit the nail on the head: 'The waiting is the hardest part; Every day you see one more card; You take it on faith, you take it to the heart; The waiting is the hardest part'."

Mom nodded, "I think the next verse says exactly how you feel about Jocelyn: 'Then there were those that made me feel good; But never as good as I feel right now; Baby you're the only one that's ever known how; To make me wanna live like I wanna live now'."

"I thought so, at least," I said. "But now? I don't know."

"Is that Tasha now?" Mom asked casually.

"I have no idea," I sighed. "I said something to myself last night that made me wonder. I observed that Janey was like Melody but with a truly Orthodox mindset."

"Talk about coming out of left field!" Mom said, shaking her head. "You really liked Melody, but you two just couldn't get your worldviews aligned, if I understand correctly."

"That was a big part of it, yes, but I was also struggling with how to handle my relationship with Jocelyn at that point. And Melody pushed the issue a bit too hard."

"Don't you think she might have had a point? You were never going to commit to anyone else so long as you and Jocelyn were sexually active. You were just trying to figure out if you could marry Jocelyn and adopt kids."

"And I blew things completely apart when I decided to stop sleeping with her."

"That was always coming, Mike, unless you could get past her inability to have your children. May I be blunt?"

"Nothing's ever stopped you before," I grinned.

"On further consideration, I don't think you can do it. You were always leading Jocelyn on, hoping against hope you could handle it. I don't believe you can. YOU don't believe you can."

"I thought you suggested I could when we talked about April and Chastity."

"I thought it made you THINK about it. But you see, you and April could always have a child who would fulfill that innate desire you have to procreate. You'd treat Chastity as your own daughter, but you'd also have the chance to have your own biological son or daughter. And I don't think any amount of rational thought is going to change your mind on this. It's just who you are, Mike. You've been looking forward to having kids since you were little."

"Not exactly normal for a guy," I said.

"As your dad likes to say, you and I are very much alike. You have a lot of feminine qualities, Mike, and that's not a bad thing. You're compassionate, loving, gentle, and caring. And you love kids, as evidenced by your reaction to Chastity."

"I don't believe April and I could ever be a couple," I said.

"I wasn't suggesting that, Mike. Just pointing out how that situation helped clarify things."

"It's moot anyway," I sighed. "Jocelyn isn't speaking to me."

"I wish I could fix it for you."

"Me, too."

"So, what do you think the end result will be with Deacon Vasily?"

"I guess it depends on whether he believes Tasha and me. If he doesn't, I won't be allowed to see her. I've given him no reason not to trust me, but I don't think he's particularly rational at the moment."

"No, I can't imagine he is, especially if Sasha was behaving the way you suspect she was, and he knows about it."

I shrugged, "In the end, it doesn't matter if Sasha did anything inappropriate beyond sneaking out of the house or not. Just sneaking out was enough to make Deacon Vasily believe she was engaging in what he would consider inappropriate behavior with a boy. And really, what can she say? Denial won't get her very far because she's shown herself not to be trustworthy."

"But you have, and that's what SHOULD keep you on Deacon Vasily's good side."

"Sure, but he's not on Tasha's good side after accusing her of being a «шлюха» (shlyukha)!"

"I can't believe he said such a thing."

"He didn't, but he accused us of having sex, so Tasha used that word, saying Sasha was 'playing the harlot'."

"I think it's a good thing you left."

"Me, too."

"Mike, one word of advice."

I chuckled, "I know. If Tasha is REALLY angry with her dad, she's going to want to go to bed with me. Immediately. So she can, in effect, rub his nose in it. I promise you that will NOT happen."

"She's volatile when she gets upset, like any good Russian woman!" Mom laughed.

"And when she gets excited?" I smirked.

"Get inside before I DO share those details with you!" Mom laughed.

We went inside, and I went up to my room. I wasn't surprised when Liz came to the door a moment later.

"What happened?" she asked.

"Sasha Antonova snuck out last night."

Liz laughed hard, "So she got the same thing Mindy got!"

"Not from me!" I grinned. "I was otherwise occupied!"

"So Mindy said! What happened?"

"What you would expect. Deacon Vasily sort of lost his mind. And then accused me and Tasha of having sex."

"Holy shit!" Liz gasped. "And he threw you out?"

"No, he asked me to leave after Tasha asked him if we should get married immediately so he could see the blood on the sheets from our wedding night!"

Liz started laughing, "She's more awesome than I thought! Maybe I was wrong about her."

"Wrong?"

"That she'd be too much like Mom."

I chuckled, "There are things you don't know about Mom, Lizzy."

"Gross! First you? Then Mom? Who did I piss off to deserve this?"

"So you don't want details about me and Mindy?" I teased.

"I already got them! I couldn't make Mindy shut up about it!"

"I think she's enjoying teasing you."

"So, are you going to do it with her again?"

I shrugged, "We'll see. Obviously, if she's dating someone seriously, it can't happen. I won't cheat or be with someone who's cheating."

"Fuck you, Mikey," Liz growled.

"I'm not changing my opinion on that; not now, not ever. In the end, that's my REAL problem with you and Paul. Some lines I just can't cross. That's one of them. But what's done is done. As I said, whatever you decide in the future, I'll love you and won't abandon you. I promise."

Liz smiled, "Thanks. I'm sorry I reacted that way."

"I didn't think about what I was saying. I'm sorry, too."

I held my arms out, and we hugged. Liz put her head on my chest and sighed deeply, "Thanks, Mikey."

"You're welcome."

She broke the hug and left. I closed the door and lay down on the bed. I set my alarm to wake me in time for Vespers and closed my eyes.

I awoke before the alarm, got up, used the bathroom, washed my face, and ran my brush through my hair. I went downstairs, let Mom know I was leaving, and headed to church, wondering what I would find when I got there. What I found was Father Herman lighting the oil lamps, which was a rare occurrence and which told me something was amiss.

"Mikhail Petrovich," Father Herman said when I walked into the nave, "would you serve with me in the altar? Deacon Vasily isn't feeling well this evening. I have two middle school boys serving, and I need a senior acolyte."

"Yes, Father, of course," I replied.

I went into the altar through the right-handed deacon's door, knelt, kissed the floor, then stood and walked into the vesting room. I put on a cassock and took a properly sized robe from the rack, folded it, and carried it out for Father to bless. He did, I kissed his hand, and then put on the robe.