Chapter 36: Woolgathering

January 1, 1983, West Monroe, Ohio

Author's Note: This chapter has been modified to comply with site guidelines as of 2025-03-29

"It's open, Mindy!" I called out.

The door opened, and she came into the room.

"You were expecting me?"

"I'd have been seriously disappointed in my ability to predict your behavior if you hadn't shown up!"

"A little too obvious?"

"You might say that! May I give you a tip?"

"I'd rather have the whole thing!" Mindy smirked.

I laughed so hard I had to sit down on the bed so I wouldn't fall over. It took me a full minute to recover enough to be able to breathe, let alone speak.

"Now THAT was funny," I grinned when I was finally able to speak. "But what I MEANT was advice!"

"Duh!" Mindy laughed.

"Subtlety and light flirting are much more effective with some guys, including me. Coming right out and telling me you want to have sex is actually a turn-off."

"Oops."

"And getting into my bed unbidden, especially naked, actually upset me."

"You didn't like me?"

I smiled, "That's not what I said. When you turned on the lights, it was kind of tough to miss the gorgeous body! But that didn't make me any less upset."

"I guess I blew it," she replied.

"Not yet, you haven't!" I chuckled. "I think I'd remember THAT!"

Mindy laughed nearly as hard as I had before, but she leaned against the wall for support.

"You're funny, Mike! I guess I made a mistake in my approach. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"If I'd been less blunt, would I have had a chance?"

"I have no idea, really. It's kind of har ... uh, difficult, to remember what I thought before you were so blunt."

"Afraid I might make a smart-aleck comment?" Mindy asked with a silly smile.

"The thought did cross my mind. There was always the concern about Liz."

"She said it was OK for me to come up. She's going to her room, and she'll shut the door and turn off the lights in case your parents come home. But she said they told her 2:00am."

"And does she think I'm actually going to do it?"

"She said you were in a much better mood today than you've been in a long time, but she told me you would probably say 'no'."

"But you had to try once more?"

"What's the worst possible outcome? I go to Liz's room and go to sleep. On the other hand..."

"That is one way to look at it. Wouldn't you rather do it with your boyfriend or someone you love?"

"I don't have a boyfriend right now. I've gone out with some guys, but they all act like I owe them something or just want to paw me!"

"I think the legal term is 'attractive nuisance'," I teased.

"What?"

"It's like having a swimming pool in your backyard. You have to put up a fence to make sure little kids don't try to play in the pool and drown!"

"You mean my boobs?"

"They are attractive," I said with a grin. "But there has to be a nice guy in school."

"There was! He graduated! The one I've wanted to do it with for a long time!"

"But I can't be your boyfriend," I said. "And I'm not in love with you."

"Neither of those are important! I want my first time to be perfect like Emmy's was! And I don't have any REAL experience!"

"And yet you told me you'd be good!"

"There's only one way to prove me right or wrong!"

"You said that before, too!"

"What's the problem, Mike? I'm being serious now. I want to do it with you, even if we never do it again."

"I guess I don't understand why."

"It's my fantasy," she said quietly. "The one I think about when I'm in bed at night."

"And that's why you've seemed so desperate to do it with me," I said. "To fulfill your fantasy."

"Yes."

"What if it's not as good as you think it will be? How will you feel?"

"Uh, I hadn't really considered that. Why wouldn't it be?"

"Because our minds develop an idea of how it will be, and it might not turn out that way. Maybe it doesn't feel as good as you think it will; maybe it even hurts at first. Maybe you decide you don't like it or that you can't go through with it. Lots of things could happen."

"I absolutely want to do it! I mean, I got into bed naked with you!"

"You did, but that was months ago. Maybe something changed. And you took a big risk that night."

"Risk? What risk? Getting caught?"

"Getting pregnant. What if I didn't have any rubbers?"

"I started taking the Pill like three months before that! I'm still taking it."

"Because of me?"

"Partly, yes. But my aunt didn't want me to end up like she did — pregnant at sixteen — so she took me to the doctor to get the Pill. I'm religious about taking it, too. I saw what happened with April Nash. But that was after you broke up with her, right?"

"Absolutely! Chastity is awesome, but she's not mine, and as much as I like her, I do NOT want a baby now."

"Me neither! Will you do something for me?"

"What?"

"Kiss me? A really nice kiss. Then you can tell me to go back to Liz's room."

I chuckled, "You think you kiss that well, huh?"

"Too obvious?"

"By half!"

"All the guys I've kissed seriously have wanted to fool around with me!"

"High School boys will fool around with any girl who has a pulse and shows a bit of interest! Nice breasts only make it more likely!"

"And college boys won't?" she smirked.

"Well, some will."

"But not you?"

"Let's just say I've been a bit more selective."

"And I don't qualify?"

Did she? The funny thing was, had she tried the tactic of slipping into my bed naked, I'd have sent her away. But after the talk we just had, as brief as it was, I felt differently. I wasn't totally sure I should say 'yes', nor did I want to say 'no'. One thing I was reasonably sure of was that kissing her would make saying 'yes' much easier and saying 'no' much more difficult.

As I thought about it, if she had simply flirted and made it clear she was available, her behavior tonight would have inclined me to do what she asked. She really was gorgeous, and she had a fun personality. And certainly, after my talks with Becky, Dale, and most importantly, Janey, and what I'd been doing with Sandy and Sophia, my stated views on 'casual sex' simply didn't hold water.

I WAS having casual sex with Sandy, Sophia, and now Janey. There was no commitment of any kind and no assumptions about the future. In fact, Sophia had explicitly rejected them, and Sandy was likely to do the same when we talked after I went back to McKinley. It dawned on me that I was, in effect, lying to myself about what I was doing. Either I didn't have the courage of my convictions, or my convictions were something other than I'd thought they were.

Part of the problem, in fact perhaps the entire problem, was that I was totally unsure of myself with regard to ANYTHING except for wanting to be a doctor. That was true even about my singing, which everyone seemed to love but which I didn't want to do in public. Why? Perhaps if I figured out the answer to THAT question, I might understand myself better.

Liz's words came back to me again — 'You always run away! It's what you do best! and Coward!' — and ultimately, that did define me. I WAS a coward. Or perhaps it was better to say I lacked self-confidence and I hated confrontation. And in that realization, I wondered if I could actually do the RA job. I wanted it because of the financial advantage, but could I actually DO the job? Was I willing to step into confrontations and help resolve them? Did I have the self-confidence to provide advice? Did I have the empathy to listen to someone's troubles? The RAs all did those things. If I couldn't do them, I couldn't in good conscience apply for the RA role.

"Mike?" Mindy prompted. "Did you hear my question?"

"Sorry, I was, well, woolgathering, I guess. Your question just made me think about a bunch of things. Can I have another minute or two?"

"Take three if it means I can stay!" she laughed.

I smiled and put my mind back on the train of thought I'd been following. If all of what I was thinking was true, and I was being both dishonest with myself AND trying to avoid confrontation, I was in for a bunch of trouble. And maybe that had caused some, if not most, of my troubles in the past. Indecisiveness was a hallmark of my behavior except in one area — wanting to be a doctor.

My karate instructor had said as much when he had said I wasn't focused and didn't put in sufficient effort. Why? Did I question my own abilities? It wasn't just time; it was commitment. I actually practiced my guitar more than I practiced karate, but I didn't play for friends nearly as much as they wanted me to. Why? Doctor Blahnik had said I was good, but I wasn't sure I believed her. It was self-confidence again.

And maybe THAT was part of my issue with sex. I'd wanted to lose my virginity at fifteen or sixteen, but I hadn't succeeded. Why? Because I was sure I was going to be shot down by the girls. I wondered if it had become a self-fulfilling prophecy — I was sure they wouldn't want to be with me, so I'd behaved in ways that made them not want to be with me. As I mused over the change that had occurred after I'd been with Jocelyn, it really did come down to one thing — self-confidence. I KNEW at least one girl found me attractive and interesting enough to have sex with me. And once I'd known that, the proverbial dam had broken, and suddenly, girls were coming out of the woodwork who were interested in my big ... wallet, as Mom had teased.

So, what to do about Mindy? I thought about Janey's first encounters and what she'd said about them, and then what she'd said about why she wanted to be with me and how she felt after we'd done it. There was a HUGE difference between sex in the back seat of a car and sex in a bed. Between rushed, fumbling sex and patient, experienced sex. And a lightbulb went on. Mindy didn't want her first time to be fumbling, rushed, back-seat sex. And she'd come to me to ensure that didn't happen.

If I was honest with myself, and it was about time that I was, I had no legitimate excuses to not be with Mindy. But there was one important thing — my admission of erroneous thinking about casual sex couldn't be license to go completely crazy or off the deep end. I had to come up with SOME plan because I didn't want to end up like Dale.

I suppressed a laugh because who was I kidding? I WAS like Dale. I just hadn't admitted it. Dale's reaction to me having been with seven girls should have clued me in — I wasn't behaving the way he expected or the way I talked. So it wasn't about being like Dale; it was about understanding my motivations and keeping things reasonably under control, whatever that meant! At least in McKinley, there were a few built-in controls — Sandy was with me nearly every night, and when she wasn't, Sophia was. And otherwise, I was with Clarissa or Angie or studying.

I pulled myself out of my 'minute or two', which had, indeed, been closer to three, and smiled, looking at Mindy.

"Do you really want me to fulfill your fantasy?" I asked,

"Oh yes!" She nodded enthusiastically.

"And what's your fantasy?"

"What does the Prince song say? Let's pretend we're married and go all night? That."

I walked over, shut the door, and locked it. Mindy squealed with glee and leapt into my arms when I held them out.

...

"You OK?" I asked.

"Are you kidding?! I definitely want to do that all night."

...

"Fantasy fulfilled?" I asked.

"How it felt? Yes! But we have to do it all night to fulfill my fantasy!"

"You HAVE to be quiet. My parents will KILL me."

"I promise. Ready?"

...

"You have to go to Liz's room by 5:00am, which is in about twenty-five minutes," I said quietly. "Otherwise, we run the risk of running into my parents."

"But we heard them come in just after 2:00am. That's why we had to do it in the dark the last two times!"

"Yes, and that doesn't mean they won't wake up!"

"OK. I guess I can't sleep in your arms!"

I chuckled, "You wanted to fool around all night, so we did!"

"True! Do you think we could do this again sometime? I mean, if you want to."

"I don't come home very often," I said.

"I could come to McKinley with Emmy!"

"I think Emmy is taking too big a risk in doing that. You need to convince her not to come see Clark. If her dad were to ever find out, a lot of us would be in serious danger."

"Is he that bad?"

"According to my dad, yes."

"I'll talk to her, but she's pretty determined. So you won't be upset if I ask you to do it with me when you come home?"

"As long as you won't be upset if it doesn't work out. And besides, you might have a boyfriend."

"I would never cheat!" she protested.

"I wasn't saying you would. I was saying if you were seeing someone, we couldn't do it."

"OK. Are you glad we did this? Did you like it?"

"You were VERY good!" I grinned. "And I loved it!"

...

About fifteen minutes later, I got out of bed and carefully opened the door.

"The coast is clear," I said quietly. "Be VERY quiet going into Liz's room."

She nodded, slipped on her panties and bra, gathered her clothes, and then very quietly tiptoed across the hall, carefully opened the door to Liz's room, then closed it softly behind her. I stripped the soiled sheets from the bed and stuffed them in my laundry bag, then pulled the strings to close it. It was below freezing outside, but I was sure there was a lingering odor in my room, so I opened the window to let in some fresh air.

I decided my best course of action was to get a shower before my parents got up, though it was probably best if I waited until 6:00am so that if they HAD heard Mindy moving around somehow, they wouldn't put two and two together. I was certain I could handle Mom, but Dad would lose his mind. Despite the conversation I'd had with him, I was still considering whether it was a good idea to invite Becky to stay with me during the Summer.

As I had with Janey, I took stock of how I felt. Once again, there was no question of my physical satisfaction. And, given how Mindy had acted before she'd left and the things she said, I was sure she was very happy and had no regrets. As I examined my own feelings, I was very happy, and I had no regrets. I was mildly surprised at how good I felt and how happy I was, given the views I'd expressed to Dale only a few days earlier.

I put clean sheets on my bed, then picked up my clothes, which were scattered on the floor from when Mindy and I had hastily disrobed each other. I chuckled that the word 'disrobed' had come to mind because it sounded far too tame for what had actually happened — we'd nearly ripped the clothes from each other's bodies in an erotic frenzy.

My new thinking did have to be attenuated in at least one case — Tasha. As much as I wanted to be with her, taking THAT step would be an irrevocable commitment. She was the one girl on the planet with whom sex could never, ever be casual. Well, maybe one of two because it would be the same with Angie, though given Angie's hang-ups, I wasn't expecting that to ever be a possibility.