Chapter 34: A Work In Progress

December 27, 1982, West Monroe, Ohio

"I'm tempted, but not tonight," I said. "I'm not saying never, but not tonight."

Janey frowned, "Nothing I can do to change your mind?"

"Remember what I said about slow but sure."

"Can I see you again before you go back to Taft?"

"Maybe Friday?" I suggested.

"Sure."

"We'll talk at work. You work every day, right?"

"Yes," Janey replied. "How about another kiss?"

I smiled and pulled her closer again, and we exchanged another soft French kiss.

"Good night," I said when we broke the kiss a minute later.

"Good night," she sighed.

I waited until she went inside, then walked back to my car for the drive home. What I'd said to Janey was true — I was tempted. What I needed to sort out in my mind was how I actually felt about her. Despite her 'sex is just sex' attitude, my own feelings were different. Unless I was serious about exploring a relationship with her, sex was out of the question. And if I wasn't interested in exploring a relationship, going out on dates with her would be misleading her and giving her false hope.

I wondered if my plan to not be too serious with anyone was backfiring in the sense that it gave me too many options and created stress where I didn't really want it. But if I was going to get serious with someone, who would it be? Sandy and I still needed to talk, but I was reasonably certain from our previous conversation she wasn't at all interested in anything which smacked of commitment. That was weird enough by itself in my mind, but at the same time, she was saying she wasn't interested in sleeping with anyone but me.

Katy was leaving in about seven months for California, and the alternative with her was living together, which would, in effect, mean we were getting married. Similarly, asking Tasha to go steady, or anything like it, would amount to a permanent commitment in her mind. And there really weren't any other possibilities, as I was sure neither Melody nor Nancy was the right girl for me.

When I arrived home, I backed into the driveway as I usually did, shut off the engine, put the car in first gear, and set the parking brake. I got out of the car, locked the door, and headed into the house, which was dark except for a small lamp which lit the foyer. I went up to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, emptied my bladder, and then went into my room. I stripped off my clothes, turned off the lights, then slipped into bed and quickly fell asleep.

December 30, 1982, West Monroe, Ohio

"I don't know what to tell you," Dale said. "I'm at a total loss. I asked her why she returned your gift, and she changed the subject. I asked her to talk to you, and she flatly said 'no'. I talked to her mom briefly, and her mom thinks Jocelyn is suffering some kind of psychological after-effects from the accident, but because her grades are good and she's taking care of herself, there really isn't anything they can do."

"Tasha came to the same conclusion based on something she learned in her introductory psychology class — that it's related to what they call 'shell shock' or 'combat fatigue' and it's caused by any significant traumatic event, not just war."

"I could see that, I guess. I don't know anything about psychology. Do you have to take a class?"

"In medical school, and I'm pretty sure it's part of the required clinical rotations I have to do once I reach my third year of medical school. I just wish she'd talk to me so I knew how to help her. But I guess she doesn't want my help."

"Or anyone's, according to her mom."

"Yeah," I sighed.

I took a drink of my A&W root beer and finished the last bit of my double cheeseburger.

"So, what's going on in the female department?" Dale asked.

I shrugged, "A whole lot of confusion on my part. I'm trying to keep focused and not make any commitments."

"Confusion? That actually sounds exactly right to me! Keep your focus on getting your straight A's, don't make any long-term commitments, and get laid as often as possible!"

"I'm not sure that last one is the best strategy! Heck, even you have a steady girlfriend now!"

"There's a girl I like who regularly shares my bed. It's a college romance. I'm not even thinking past the end of the school year. Your focus, at least with girls, is WAY too far into the future. For me, if things fall apart with Clara, which there is a good chance they will, I'll be a free agent again. I still think you're doing college wrong, Mike."

"Because I don't take every opportunity to have casual, meaningless sex?"

Dale shook his head, "See, that's just it. That's what you're SUPPOSED to do in college! When we graduate, THEN we'll look for someone to settle down with. But here's the key — make damned sure you got it ALL out of your system by then because once you put a ring on some girl's finger, there's no freedom. Period."

"Obviously. I mean about the 'no freedom' part. I just don't think going your route is right for me."

"That's your Church talking. Or your dad."

"No, it's me. And before you say anything else, seven."

"Seven?! You?!"

"Gee, thanks," I said sarcastically.

"Come on, Mike. I'd NEVER have expected that. Two? Sure. MAYBE three. So what's the big deal then?"

"I just can't go around sleeping with anyone who asks."

"If there are girls asking and you're saying 'no', I repeat — you're doing college wrong!"

"You've never turned down a girl?"

"Who just wanted to fool around? No! Why?"

"Self-respect? Respect for the girls? Ethics? Morality? Not wanting to hurt someone? Not wanting to be hurt? Not wanting to complicate things."

"Unless they're expecting an engagement ring or some other kind of commitment, how could you be hurting them?"

"You don't think someone could end up regretting it? That it might not change you in ways you don't expect it to?"

"It's just sex. And how the heck can you know if someone will regret it? And how is that your problem?"

I shrugged, "I'd feel pretty low, actually."

"So stay away from virgins, and problem mostly solved!"

"I don't think that's quite true."

"Well, if YOU are the one who is going to regret it, then maybe you aren't thinking about it correctly. Obviously, if you've been with seven different girls, you didn't do it with the intent of marrying them! Well, unless you're going to be rich enough to become a sheikh or whatever in Saudi Arabia!"

"I think I'll pass on becoming a Muslim," I said. "Our church has a pretty negative view of them for obvious reasons."

"The Crusades?"

"Those were done by Roman Catholics, not Orthodox. Heck, one of the Crusades trashed Constantinople on orders from the Pope in an attempt to force us to become Roman! And that trashing of Constantinople helped the Muslims destroy the Roman Empire!"

"Wait! I thought it fell in AD476 or whatever."

I shook my head, "The city of Rome fell, but the capital of the Roman Empire was already in Constantinople at that point. It continued until 1453. Back in the 9th Century, when Charlemagne crowned himself Holy Roman Emperor, the reaction in the East was more or less, 'Hey, we already HAVE a Roman emperor, you dolts!'. But we're getting off topic."

"Well, my advice is to get the attitude you had as a Senior back. Getting laid was the priority. Just go for it. In fact, my advice is that you say 'yes' to the next three girls who ask, so long as they aren't nut jobs or expecting a roll in the hay to result in an engagement ring."

I chuckled, "Mindy would love you!"

Dale laughed, "She's over the age of consent, has GREAT tits, and wants you!"

"She's also crazy," I said.

"Crazy is GOOD, Mike! Pam was crazy! I meant avoid ones who are mentally unstable."

"Did you ever manage to get a date with her roommate? The cheerleader?"

"Not for lack of trying! But she was dating some dude on her dorm floor, and really, according to Pam, she's hung up on some guy in Chicago."

"You still talk to Pam?"

"Sure. It's not like we're close friends, but I see her in the dorm pretty often. She's dating some guy from her hometown. I guess she calmed down a bit after a crazy Freshman year."

"Just like you?" I grinned.

"Call it a temporary lull!" Dale laughed. "There is no upper limit, and Madison is full of hot girls who like to have fun."

"I don't know," I said. "That just doesn't seem right for me."

He shrugged, "Well, you asked."

"I did. When are you heading out?"

"First thing in the morning."

"Stop by the house. I don't leave for work until about 9:40am."

"6:00am OK?"

"Sure. I can make breakfast if you want."

"Yeah, 30 minutes won't cause me any real problems with getting to Indianapolis by lunchtime. Clara and I are going to a party tomorrow night. What are you doing?"

"Janey Riley and I are going to dinner after work. I wasn't planning on staying up for midnight."

"No parties?"

"April invited me to celebrate with her, but that's a bad idea."

"Instant family — just add ring."

"Pretty much, and she still has problems with the Church, even though she's mellowed a bit."

"She needs a husband and a father for her baby."

I nodded, "Yes, and I'm afraid once a commitment like that was made, she'd renege on the church thing, and then I'd be totally screwed."

"So, what's up with you and Janey? I thought you two were at each other's throats!"

I chuckled, "Guess what the issue is."

Dale shook his head and laughed, "She wants it. You don't."

"On the contrary, I DO want it. I just don't know that it's a good idea."

"Unless she's asking you for an engagement ring in exchange for putting out, you're overthinking it!"

"Is that ALL you think about?"

Dale laughed, "I seem to recall it was the basic topic of conversation between you and me for four years!"

"And you haven't changed your attitude? I mean, now that you've done it?"

"Why would I? It's even better than I imagined! When the time comes, I'll settle down and be with one girl for the rest of my life. But that time is NOT now. So, unless you plan to ask Tasha to marry you or move in with Katy, which is pretty much the same thing, just have fun."

"Maybe," I said.

Dale shrugged, "Do what you think is best."

"Do you plan to call Jocelyn at all?"

"You mean while she's at Purdue? I could, sure."

"I'd appreciate knowing she's doing OK. Don't make it about the situation between her and me, and don't say anything about her calling me or whatever. Just let me know she's doing OK."

"Sure."

"Thanks."

We finished our meal, and after I dropped Dale at his house, I headed home. It was still early enough that Mom and Dad were up, and they were sitting in the living room.

"Hi, Mike," Dad said. "Come sit with us."

"Hot cocoa?" Mom asked.

"Yes, please," I replied.

She got up and went to the kitchen, and returned with a mug, which she handed to me.

"I didn't like the way we left things the other night," Dad said. "And I wanted to talk to you before you went back to school."

"Before you start, I wanted to let you know Dale will be here at 6:00am tomorrow so we can have breakfast together before he heads out."

"He's going back to Madison tomorrow?"

"To Indianapolis to spend New Year's with his girlfriend. They'll drive up to Madison on Saturday afternoon."

"OK. We both have tomorrow off, so keep it to a dull roar, please."

I chuckled, "Because Dale and I were always so wild!"

"Jocelyn kept you two in line pretty well."

I sighed deeply, "Yes, she did."

"Sorry," Dad said quickly. "I didn't mean to make you morose."

"It's too late for that, and I don't mean because of what you just said. Dale spent some time with her, and she flat-out refused to even talk to him about it. At this point, there really isn't anything I can do about it except wait and hope."

"I know it's difficult and painful, but don't obsess," Mom said gently. "You have to stay focused."

I shook my head, "Which everyone seems to think is the source of many of my troubles."

"Not being focused?" Dad asked.

Mom laughed loudly, "Exactly backwards, Dear!"

"Ah, OK. The whole 'Doctor Mike' thing."

"And I thought relationship problems were supposed to come during medical school and Residency," I sighed.

"Problems besides Jocelyn?" Mom asked.

"Just confusion about the right way forward. But what did you want to talk about?"

"How we left things," Dad said. "I think I overreacted, at least a bit, and put you in the middle of a disagreement between your mother and me. I don't want you to ever feel you're not welcome here, Mike. Ever. I thought back to what happened last year, when you weren't allowed to come here, and how I felt. I don't want to feel that way again. I'm sorry."

"Me, too. I didn't take into account how what I was doing would affect you, Mom, and Liz. I was only thinking about what I wanted."

Mom laughed softly, "Oh no, you were thinking about what Becky wanted! You would have slept on the sofa in the basement if she hadn't insisted you share your bed."

"And I'm also capable of saying 'no', so I can't put it all on her."

"Sorry, that's not how I meant it. I was thinking more about what your dad was worried about."

"That I was somehow taking advantage of Becky?"

"More like you weren't considering her emotional state," Dad said. "But I realized that what happened to her family happened over a year ago, and Becky went through counseling, and while she was living here, I discovered a lovely young woman who had a good head on her shoulders. I think, perhaps, that first time she stayed with you, your judgment was poor. That wasn't true last week."

"I didn't take advantage of her back then, either," I said.

"I think, Mike, it's about whether she was emotionally ready to do what she did."

"Did Mom tell you she sat with us and had a long talk? And that was after Mom eavesdropped on our conversation?"

"I said I was sorry," Mom replied.

"That wasn't a complaint," I said. "Simply a statement of the facts. And, Dad, Mom said she was going to talk to you."

"Oh, she did," he replied. "I'm guessing she didn't tell you the result of that conversation."

"No."

"I was livid that she'd allowed such a thing to happen, especially given that we'd taken responsibility for Becky. I was disappointed in your poor judgment. I told your mom I never wanted something like that to happen in our house, ever again."

I turned to Mom, "Why didn't you tell me? In fact, why did you say he just shook his head and clammed up?"

"Because it was between us, Mike. As a married couple and as your parents. And actually, except for the 'never again' statement, which he made a day or two later, he DID clam up!"

"Ah, OK. But why not tell me that last part later?"

"You talked to your dad the next day, right?"

"Yes. Never mind. I suppose he DID tell me, and I just didn't listen. Or didn't want to hear what he was saying. I guess you two didn't actually talk about it until after my conversation with Dad."

"That's right. You told him that I had spoken with you and Becky. That made things a bit uncomfortable."

"I figured YOU would tell him. I was wrong, obviously."

"Mike, you're an adult," Dad said. "And your mom's view is that we shouldn't give you less freedom than you have at school. My view is that you're not setting a good example for your sister and not respecting your parents, yourself, or Becky. I know you don't agree with those last two, and your mom and I have been round and round on that topic from very early on. It's still unresolved."

"You can't change the past," I said. "Are you happy you're married to Mom?"

"Of course! What kind of question is that?"

"Then don't you think after almost twenty-four years, you should give up your grudge and let go of the anger?"

"Mike," Mom warned gently.

Dad shook his head and sighed, "No, Rachel, he's right. I've harbored that grudge for too long, and I've been taking it out on Mike."

"I'm no expert," I said. "But I'd say the fact she chose you says everything."

"I did choose him," Mom smiled. "And I'm very happy with my choice!"

Her eyes twinkled, and she and Dad exchanged a look.

"I think I'm going up to bed," I said lightly.

"What? The mere hint your parents are thinking about sex is THAT disgusting?" Mom teased.

"Does Clorox work on brains?" I asked with a silly grin.

"Get to bed, you turkey!" Mom laughed.

I hugged her, nodded to my dad, and then went up to bed.

December 31, 1982, West Monroe, Ohio

"Your parents are still in bed?" Dale asked when I ushered him into the kitchen.

"Yes. Liz, too. Breakfast is almost ready. I just need to get the food on the table and put the bread in the toaster."

Dale sat down, and I poured him coffee, as I knew he didn't prefer tea with breakfast. I put the plates with bacon and eggs on the table, and two minutes later, I put the plate with toast there as well.

"I guess this is it until next Fall, then," I said as we began eating.

"Unless you come up to Madison. You should, if you can. I can fix you up with a date for sure! Clara has lots of friends! Lots of cute friends who are fun to be around!"

"I have enough trouble HERE," I chuckled.

"What trouble? Come to Madison, have a great time, and go home with fond memories and no regrets!"

"I'll think about it, but you know I work all Summer. You do, too, right?"