Chapter 32: Gestures

December 18, 1982, West Monroe, Ohio

"Don't you want to give this to Jocelyn directly?" Mrs. Mills asked.

"Want to? Sure. But she made it clear she doesn't want to see me. I'm half-expecting her to return the gift unopened."

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" she replied firmly.

"Please don't force the issue," I pleaded. "Whatever is wrong with Jocelyn isn't going to change because you pressure her. In fact, that might actually make things worse.

"I'm not sure they could be worse between the two of you."

"I do not want to find out," I said. "Please just put the gift under the tree and let her open it on Christmas morning, if she wants."

"If you're sure."

"I'm not sure about anything, Mrs. Mills, except that I love Jocelyn and want to fix this."

"Do you want me to give her a message?"

I shook my head, "No. Just ensure the gift is under the tree as I asked."

"I'm sorry, Mike."

"Thanks."

I headed back home, where I found Liz sprawled out on the sofa.

"How are you doing, Liz?" I asked.

"OK."

"Mom said you and Mindy had a fight."

"I tried to do what you said. I had a fight with Emmy, too."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not really your fault. Emmy just has a big mouth."

"Is that what started this whole thing?"

Liz sat up, and I went to sit on the couch next to her.

"I think so. Emmy was bragging about how great you were, and Mindy got the idea she wanted the same thing. And Emmy just kind of egged her on."

"Great, huh?" I smirked.

"Don't be gross, Mikey!"

"What was Emmy's point?"

"I don't know, really. And she's pissed you're trying to interfere with her and Clark."

"There IS NO 'her and Clark'. There's Clark liking the idea of screwing the racist's daughter. And I guess Emmy is doing it to get back at her dad; though if he ever finds out..."

"Yeah."

"She's not going to stop, is she?"

"No."

"Nuts," I sighed. "If I don't get the RA position, I'm going to have to change roommates."

"That sucks."

"Have you heard from you know who?" I asked.

"Mom and Dad went to Grandpa's. It's safe to talk. Yes. You aren't upset anymore?"

"Would it change anything if I was?"

"No. I know what I want, Mikey. I know Mom and Dad will freak, and I'll need you."

"I love you, Liz. I think you're making a mistake, but it's your life, and you have to live it the way you want."

"Thank you. Can I ask you a serious question?"

"Sure."

"Most guys would just do what Mindy wants. She's cute, has great tits, and she's practically begging for it."

"Not practically," I said with a slight smile. "Actually. It just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. It's not because I'm hung up on Jocelyn or Angie or Tasha or Katy, either. There needs to be something more than just going to bed with anyone who asks. Maybe you don't agree, but that's my take. I'm not saying you have to be in a committed relationship, but sex just for the sake of sex doesn't make sense to me. And I'm not sure I COULD have sex just for the sake of having sex."

"You've never just wanted to fuck someone and done it?"

"I THINK the answer to that is 'no'. But I don't trust my understanding of my own motivations enough to say definitively."

"Too much church!"

"I don't think that's the whole answer. At first, it was, but now I've discovered that it's WAY more complicated."

"It's just sex!"

I shook my head, "Not for me. And that's my decision. Just as being with Paul is your decision."

"Well, at least you didn't pick up Dad's warped views, though Mom isn't a lot better."

"I think you haven't talked with either of them enough to know what they think. Part of the problem is how Mom found out you were having sex, but also with whom you were having sex. You blurting out you weren't a virgin probably wasn't the best way to start that conversation."

"It wouldn't have mattered, really. You're a guy, and they would have been WAY less upset about it if you were fifteen, even if I waited until I was eighteen."

I shook my head, "As I said, you haven't talked with them enough to know. And I haven't told you what they've said to me. But don't assume they approve or that they haven't let me know why they think I'm wrong."

"Think they'd EVER have let Paul sleep over the way they have Becky?"

"I think the circumstances are so different that there is no way to compare them! But you know what? Dialogue helps. I know you don't want to talk to them, but you should."

Liz shook her head, "They don't understand, and they never will."

"I think you have to give them a chance."

"Just like you gave Mindy?" Liz smirked.

"Totally different circumstances. Talk to Mom and Dad. Really talk. That means listening, too."

"I'll just cause bigger problems and make everyone mad. No."

I shrugged, "It's up to you, but I'd sure try it."

"Oh, I almost forgot. There's a note by the phone. April called and wondered if you would come to lunch today."

"I don't have plans, so maybe I will."

"She's reeling you in!" Liz laughed.

"No chance. There's example number one of why it's not 'just sex'. Or example number two if you consider how badly things went with Jocelyn once she had her accident. Let me go call April."

I got up and went to the kitchen, called April, and agreed to come by her house around noon for lunch. After I hung up, I went back to sit with Liz. We talked for another hour or so, mostly about school and friends, hers and mine, and then I changed clothes and drove to April's house.

Cassie was working, but Mr. Nash was home. He left us alone, though, and it was April, Chastity, and me in the kitchen. April was kind enough to have remembered that it was the Nativity Fast and served vegetarian vegetable soup and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. When we finished eating, she fed Chastity and then handed her to me to hold for a bit.

"You look like a natural," Mr. Nash observed as he walked through the living room.

"She's a cute little thing," I said. "But I don't think I'm ready for one of my own just yet!"

"Here's a tip for you, Mike, and I don't mean this in a way that's trying to pair you off with April, but you're never ready. Having a baby is life-changing in ways you wouldn't expect. Decide when is the best time to have your kids and have them. Don't wait until you're ready because you'll NEVER be ready if you get my meaning."

I nodded, "It's an awesome responsibility."

"And perhaps the most fulfilling thing I've done in my life," he said with a smile. "I'll leave you two kids alone now. I have a few hours of work to do in the garage."

He went out the front door, and I saw him walk past the front window to the detached garage.

"Let me put her down," April said.

I carefully handed Chastity to April, and April swaddled Chastity in a blanket, then put her in the playpen to sleep.

"If I wrap her arms like that, she sleeps better and doesn't startle herself awake."

"I'll file that tip away for much later," I chuckled.

April came back to sit next to me on the couch.

"Dad said he won't bother us for a couple of hours," she said quietly.

"April," I said gently. "That's a really bad idea."

"Why? He won't get angry. He likes you a lot, Mike. And it's not like he thinks I'm a virgin!"

"Obviously!" I laughed. "But I was more worried about YOU than about your dad. I can't make the kind of commitment you're looking for. And before you protest, I'm not even talking about marriage or engagement, but the idea that it might be possible. I don't think it is."

"Ever?" she asked.

I shrugged, "Never is a long time, but we have fundamental differences which would create serious long-term problems."

"Church?"

"That's a big one, yes. But there's also the challenge of supporting a wife and kid now or during medical school. You'd have to support the family at least until I became a Resident."

"And if I just wanted someone I cared about to make me feel good and make me feel loved?"

"Sex isn't love," I said gently. "They're related, obviously, but having sex doesn't mean you're being loved. There's a difference between making love and, well, pardon me, fucking."

April laughed, "You were always so proper!"

I nodded, "I know. But I think you're asking for the first, not the second, even if you say it's the second. I don't think it is. And I can't do that with you."

"Ever?"

"Again, 'ever' is a long time. I have no idea what's going to happen in the future, but you can't count on it even being a possibility. I like you a lot. But that's not enough."

"You know I never stopped loving you," she sighed.

I nodded, "I was sure that was the case when we broke up, and I'm sure it's the case now. But I've changed a lot since then."

"So have I!" she protested.

"Yes, of course you have. And in a sense, that's the key to the fact we can't go back to what we had before. Anything that might happen would have to be new and based on developing a relationship."

"But isn't that what we're doing?"

I nodded, "Yes, though neither of us knows where it's going to lead, but the one place it simply can't lead today is to your bed."

"You don't have to do it in bed!" April teased.

"I know," I chuckled. "But I'm sure you understand what I was trying to say."

"I do," she sighed and sagged back on the couch.

"We can be friends, April. I mean, if you want. If seeing me causes you to be upset, I understand."

She shook her head, "No. It's just, well, I'm lonely, and I really enjoyed being with you when we were dating. I was foolish and should have had more of an open mind. Now, I guess it's too late."

"I know I'm repeating myself, but I CAN commit to being your friend and seeing you when I come home. If you want."

She scooted close and put her head on my shoulder. I debated briefly if I should put my arm around her and decided I could. We sat for about ten minutes with her head on my shoulder and my arm around her, and then she sat up.

"Thanks," April said. "Will you come to see me again before you go back to school?"

"I'm working all next week, but I think I could manage an evening if that's OK."

"Sure. Just let me know which one."

"I will."

We got up, and she walked me to the door, where we exchanged a chaste hug, and then I headed home.

"How is April?" Mom asked when I walked in.

"Lonely, but otherwise OK."

"And her baby?"

"Chastity is REALLY cute, and she likes me. It's cool holding her, but I am SO not ready for one of my own anytime soon! This one I can give back whenever I want!"

Mom laughed, "Exactly what your grandfather says about grandkids! While I'm not saying anything about April, could you see yourself raising Chastity?"

"I guess so. Why do you ask?"

"Lord, have mercy!" Mom said with an exaggerated sigh. "My son is extremely intelligent and TOTALLY clueless!"

Doubly so, given we'd actually discussed the point in the not-too-distant past.

"Jocelyn," I said.

"Jocelyn."

I took a deep breath and let it out.

"She'd have to actually talk to me first," I said. "And that doesn't look as if it's going to happen."

"I didn't ask before you left this morning, but what did you buy her?"

"A pair of stuffed bunnies. They're each wearing a collar with a name tag. One says 'Jos', and one says 'Mik'."

Mom laughed, "I'm not sure rabbits send the right message!"

"Mom!" I protested. "It was totally innocent. Stuffed bears just seemed so clichéd. I'm not a big fan of dogs. Cats, sure, Jocelyn has a cat. But bunnies were available. So were dogs and bears. I didn't see cats."

"What message are you trying to send?"

I shrugged, "That I love her and I'm thinking about her. And before you say anything about giving the wrong message, I'll be happy if she gets ANY message and talks to me. I have no preconceived notions about where this leads, except I want to be 'Mik and Jos' again. Beyond that, we'll take it one day at a time. I have NO preconditions. None. And no limitations. I just want to fix things as best we can, whatever that means. But that means she needs to talk to me. And I'll do it on her terms, where she wants, how she wants. But one thing I won't do is let her push me around or abuse me."

Mom nodded, "I was just about to say something about that. There are lines you can't cross. You've drawn a few lately, with Mindy and April, for example."

"I have to draw one with Clark," I said. "I'm going to apply for the RA position, but if I don't get it, and he's still seeing Emmy, I have to get a new roommate. I don't want to even contemplate how bad things are going to be if Mr. Nelson ever finds out."

"I did my best to talk to Emmy, but she blew me off, just as she did Liz. Emmy is angry with her father, and this is her way of taking revenge."

"No kidding. I'm still trying to figure out what her game with Mindy is."

Mom laughed, "Seriously? If she were to get you and Mindy together, you'd quit complaining about her and Clark because Mindy would be, well, entertaining you."

I laughed, "Yeah, well, THAT is not happening. Having an underage girl in my room would run too many risks, even if I was interested. And underage for the University is eighteen, not sixteen, by the way."

"Which makes sense if you think about it from their perspective."

"Oh, I wasn't complaining. I was just pointing out one more reason to avoid Mindy. Unfortunately, if she comes to Taft again, I'm going to have to report it, and that will get both Emmy and Mindy banned from campus. That'll piss off the two of them and Clark, but I can't take any risks with that «сука» (suka), Dean Parker!" ("bitch")

"You've managed to dodge the problems so far."

"Barely," I said. "I didn't tell you about Clark being rousted by the McKinley cops because someone reported he was trading pot for stolen property. He's not, by the way. He drinks, but no drugs. Same as all my friends."

"That's not good. Not good at all."

"No kidding."

"So, who would you room with?"

I chuckled, "Angie, Sandy, Sophia, Clarissa..."

"Good luck getting that one past Housing!"

"I'm not sure. Maybe I'll just go for a random match if I don't get the RA spot. I have to put in the application as soon as I get back, and I already have the professors lined up for sponsorship. Dean Parker will oppose it, but if she does, she's likely to get in trouble because she's not permitted to say a word about what happened last year. She tried at a meeting earlier in the semester, and the Chancellor shut her down fast. So did the school's legal counsel."

"What is that woman's problem?"

"She's a radical feminist," I said. "And she hates men. She's divorced, and the rumors are her husband dumped her because she cheated on him with a woman. Fortunately, there is only a handful of professors and students who support her. Melody predicts that Dean Parker's position is going to gain traction and cause real trouble."

Mom shook her head, "I gave up on the women's movement when it became more about bashing men and wrecking society than ensuring equal treatment and equal opportunity. What do you think your chances are for the RA role?"

"Decent," I said. "With two tenured professors and Doctor Hart signing as sponsors and providing recommendation letters, as well as having top grades and not having any disciplinary issues, it'll come down to who else applies. There are eight male RA positions in our dorm."

"What would your duties be?"

"Making sure the dorm rules are enforced and being available if someone needs help. It doesn't take a lot of time, really, and the benefits are no dorm charges as well as a larger, single room. I'm willing to give up the time in exchange for adding to my financial reserves. I found out that in medical school, the RAs are interns from the hospital, but they have very limited housing. Most students live in apartments."

"Things seem to be going reasonably well."

I nodded, "Except with Jocelyn."

I left Mom and went up to my room. I stretched out on the bed with a book and read until it was time to head to Vespers. Tasha was waiting for me when I arrived, and after a quick hug, which was all we could get away with at church, we walked into the nave and stood together for the service. That was a rare thing, but obviously, her mom had agreed.

As I waited for the service to begin, I thought that this was Tasha's vision of the future, though I suspected that vision included three or four kids standing with us. I could certainly think of far worse scenarios, and honestly none better, though there were others which I felt might be equally good. But that was in the future. For now, I focused on the sights, sounds, and smells of a traditional Orthodox 'lamp-lighting' service.

"You make a lovely couple!" Mrs. Orlova said when Tasha and I walked out into the narthex following the service.

"You have to say that, Mrs. Orlova!" I grinned. "You matched us together!"

She laughed, "Of course! Because you make a lovely couple! A good faithful Orthodox boy who will become a doctor and a good faithful Orthodox girl who will be mother to many children!"

"I have a long way to go before becoming a doctor!" I said. "More than two years of college and then four years of medical school."

"And having a lovely wife at your side will encourage you!"

"Yes, that's true," I grinned, humoring her.

"Have a good evening, you two!" she said.

I took Tasha's hand and led her to where her father was standing so we could tell him we were leaving. He smiled and nodded, and Tasha and I left. We hurried to the car in the light rain, and I let her in first before getting into the driver's seat.