Chapter 32: Gestures

December 18, 1982, West Monroe, Ohio

"Don't you want to give this to Jocelyn directly?" Mrs. Mills asked.

"Want to? Absolutely. Despite that feeling, she made it clear she doesn't want to see me. I'm half-expecting her to return the gift unopened."

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" she replied firmly.

"Please don't force the issue," I pleaded. "Whatever is wrong with Jocelyn isn't going to change because you pressure her. In fact, that might actually make things worse.

"I'm not sure things could be worse between the two of you."

"I do not want to find out," I said. "Please just put the gift under the tree and let her open it on Christmas morning, if she wants."

"If you're sure."

"I'm not sure about anything, Mrs. Mills, except that I love Jocelyn and want to fix this."

"Do you want me to give her a message?"

I shook my head, "No. Just ensure the gift is under the tree as I asked."

"I'm sorry, Mike."

"Thanks."

I headed back home, where I found Liz sprawled out on the sofa.

"How are you doing, Liz?" I asked.

"OK."

"Mom said you and Mindy had a fight."

"I tried to do what you said. I had a fight with Emmy, too."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not really your fault. Emmy just has a big mouth."

"Is that what started this whole thing?"

Liz sat up, and I went to sit on the couch next to her.

"I think so. Emmy was bragging about how great you were, and Mindy got the idea she wanted the same thing. Emmy just kind of egged her on."

"Great, huh?" I smirked.

"Don't be gross, Mikey!" Liz said making a face.

"What was Emmy's point?"

"I don't know, really. She's pissed you're trying to interfere with her and Clark."

"There is no 'her and Clark'. There's Clark liking the idea of screwing the racist's daughter. That's it. End of story. I guess Emmy is doing it to get back at her dad. If he ever finds out..."

"Yeah."

"She's not going to stop, is she?"

"No."

"Nuts," I sighed. "If I don't get the RA position, I'm going to have to change roommates."

"That sucks."

"Have you heard from you know who?" I asked.

"Mom and Dad went to Grandpa's. It's safe to talk. Yes. You aren't upset anymore?"

"Would it change anything if I were?"

"No. I know what I want, Mikey. I know Mom and Dad will freak, and I'll need you."

"I love you, Liz. I think you're making a mistake, but it's your life, and you have to live it the way you want."

"Thank you. Can I ask you a serious question?"

"Sure."

"Most guys would just do what Mindy wants. She's cute, has great tits, and she's practically begging for it."

"Not practically," I said with a slight smile, "she is begging. It just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. It's not because I'm hung up on Jocelyn or Angie or Tasha or Katy, either. There needs to be something more than just going to bed with anyone who asks. Maybe you don't agree, but that's my take. I'm not saying you have to be in a committed relationship, but sex just for the sake of sex doesn't make sense to me. I'm not sure I actually could have sex just for the sake of having sex."

"You've never just wanted to fuck someone and done it?"

"I believe the answer to that is 'no', but I don't trust my understanding of my own motivations enough to say definitively."

"Too much church!" Liz declared disgustedly.

"I don't think that's the whole answer. At first, it was, sure, but now I've discovered that it's far more complicated."

"It's just fucking, Mikey!" Liz protested.

I shook my head, "Not for me. That's my decision, just as you say being with Paul was your decision."

"Well, at least you didn't pick up Dad's warped views, though Mom isn't a lot better."

"I suspect, quite strongly, you haven't talked with either of them enough to know what they think. Part of the problem is how Mom found out you were having sex, but also about with whom you were having sex. You blurting out you weren't a virgin probably wasn't the best way to start that conversation."

"It wouldn't have mattered, really," Liz said. "You're a guy, and they would have been far less upset about it if you were 15, even if I waited until I was 18."

I shook my head, "As I suspected, you haven't talked with them enough to know. I haven't told you what they've said to me, so don't assume they approve or assume they haven't let me know why they think I'm wrong."

"Do you think they'd ever have let Paul sleep over the way they have Becky?"

"I think the circumstances are so different that there is no way to compare! You know what? Dialogue helps. I know you don't want to talk to them, but you should."

Liz shook her head, "They don't understand, and they never will."

"I think you have to give them a chance."

"Just like you gave Mindy?" Liz smirked.

"Two totally different things. Talk to Mom and Dad. Really talk. That means listening, too."

"I'll just cause bigger problems and make everyone mad. No."

I shrugged, "It's up to you, but I'd sure try it if I were you."

"Oh, I almost forgot. There's a note by the phone. April called and wondered if you would come to lunch today."

"I don't have plans, so maybe I will."

"She's reeling you in!" Liz laughed.

"No chance!" I said firmly. "There's example number one of why it's not 'just sex'. Or example number two if you consider how badly things went with Jocelyn once she had her accident. Let me go call April."

I got up and went to the kitchen, called April, and agreed to come by her house around noon for lunch. After I hung up, I went back to sit with Liz. We talked for another hour or so, mostly about school and friends, hers and mine, then I changed clothes and drove to April's house.

Cassie was working, but Mr. Nash was home. He left us alone, though, and it was April, Chastity, and me in the kitchen. April was kind enough to have remembered that it was the Nativity Fast and served vegetarian vegetable soup and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. When we finished eating, she fed Chastity then handed her to me to hold for a bit.

"You look like a natural," Mr. Nash observed as he walked through the living room.

"She's a cute little thing," I said. "Even so, I don't think I'm ready for one of my own just yet!"

"Here's a tip for you, Mike, and I don't mean this in a way that's trying to pair you off with April, but you're never ready. Having a baby is life-changing in ways you wouldn't expect. Decide when is the best time to have your kids and have them. Don't wait until you're ready because you'll never actually be ready if you get my meaning."

I nodded, "It's an awesome responsibility."

"It's also perhaps the most fulfilling thing I've done in my life," he said with a smile. "I'll leave you two kids alone now. I have a few hours of work to do in the garage."

He went out the front door, and I saw him walk past the front window to the detached garage.

"Let me put her down," April said.

I carefully handed Chastity to April, and April swaddled Chastity in a blanket, then put her in the playpen to sleep. The soft scent of 'baby' — there was no other way to describe it — lingered briefly, reinforcing everything I'd observed about Chastity since I'd first seen her.

"If I wrap her arms like that, she sleeps better and doesn't startle herself awake."

"I'll file that tip away for much later," I chuckled.

April came back to sit next to me on the couch.

"Dad said he won't bother us for a couple of hours," she said quietly.

"April," I said gently. "That's a really bad idea."

"Why? He won't be angry. He likes you a lot, Mike. And it's not like he thinks I'm a virgin!"

"Obviously!" I chuckled. "I was more worried about you than about your dad. I can't make the kind of commitment you're looking for. Now, before you protest, I'm not even talking about marriage or engagement, but the idea that it might be possible. I don't think it is."

"Ever?" she asked.

I shrugged, "Never is a long time, but we have fundamental differences which would create serious long-term problems."

"Church?"

"That's a big one, yes. But there's also the challenge of supporting a wife and kid now or during medical school. You'd have to support the family at least until I became a Resident."

"And if I just wanted someone I cared about to make me feel good and make me feel loved?"

"Sex isn't love," I said gently. "They're related, obviously, but having sex doesn't mean you're being loved. There's a difference between making love and, well, pardon me, fucking."

April laughed, "You were always so proper!"

I nodded, "I know. I feel pretty strongly you're asking for the first, not the second, even if you say it's the second. I don't think it is, and I can't do that with you."

"Ever?"

"Again, never is a long time. I have no idea what's going to happen in the future, but you can't count on it even being a realistic possibility. I like you a lot, April, but that's not enough."

"You know I never stopped loving you," she sighed.

I nodded, "I was sure that was the case when we broke up, and I'm sure it's the case now. I've changed a lot since then."

"So have I!" she protested.

"Yes, of course you have. And in a sense, that's the key to the fact we can't go back to what we had before. Anything that might happen would have to be new and based on developing a relationship."

"But isn't that what we're doing?"

I nodded, "Yes, though neither of us knows where it's going to lead, but the one place it simply can't lead, at least today, is to your bed."