Chapter 30: So NOW what?

November 29, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

"Now that you've had a night to sleep on it, what do you think?" Sandy asked, snuggling close.

"Isn't that what I'm supposed to ask you?"

"Probably, but I thought you might have changed your mind or had more of an idea what you meant."

"I asked my mom if there was anything wrong with marrying a friend."

"Me?!" Sandy gasped. "Have you lost your mind?"

"A long time ago!" I chuckled. "Probably about the time the heavy doses of testosterone started coursing through my body around age twelve or thirteen!"

"OK, but seriously?"

"Is it that crazy of an idea? I'm just talking hypothetically."

"The sex is good, but it can't be THAT good!" Sandy laughed.

"Have I complained? Even once?"

"Well, no. But I suspect I'm not exactly the most exciting girl on the planet."

"There are books available that explain just about every possibility, but I don't feel anything is lacking in that department. Do you?"

"No."

"But it's not about sex, at least not just about sex. It was something that popped into my mind as I mulled over what was going on in my life. And in my usual way, I talked to my mom about it."

"Does she know we're..."

"No. At the moment, I think she believes I'm chaste because I broke up with Melody, and I turned down Katy's offer to live together. And she knows Angie and I aren't romantically involved."

"Crazy in love, but not romantically involved," Sandy said. "Why would you want me over her?"

"First of all, that wasn't the question. Second of all, answering that question seems really crass, and any answer I'd give could hurt someone."

"Me? We're screwing Mike. That's all."

"Is that all? REALLY? Or is this WAY more complicated than just 'stress relief'?"

"What? Because losing my virginity to you cast some magic spell on me? Because the awesome orgasms I have from screwing and your tongue addled my brain?"

"No. But seriously, can anyone 'just' have sex? I mean, OK, a one-night-stand or something, sure, but we've been doing this since mid-September. I think it's WAY more complicated than just a penis in a vagina or mouth or a tongue in a vagina."

"And that leads you to think about us getting married?"

"It led to the question I asked my mom. You know full well that somewhere between a third and half of all marriages fail at some point. And for doctors, it's worse. I bet you dollars to doughnuts that most of those divorced people married someone they were in love with. Fat lot of good THAT did! I don't want to be one of those statistics."

"Interesting," Sandy said, kissing my shoulder. "You're taking a coolly logical approach to selecting a spouse, just as you do everything else."

"Let's just say right now I'm establishing the criteria for selection. And I think I'd be a fool to rule you out, so to speak, despite the fact that we're not in love. Though I daresay we love each other."

"I suppose it depends on how you mean that word, but yeah, I could see that. Not as in 'I love you' but as in 'you are very dear and close to me, and I like being around you'. Something you might say about a close friend."

"Yes..." I prompted, as my mom often did.

"Shit," Sandy sighed. "I think I see your point. So NOW what?"

"I wasn't suggesting we change our relationship status, if you will, but I think it changes what the future might look like. For both of us."

"Jesus," Sandy said with a soft laugh. "There's a chance I might marry the first guy I ever fucked! And that was NOT what I expected to happen when I came to college!"

"What DID you expect to happen?"

"Two or three years of fun, then find a guy I could settle down with, at least for a time. Someone to provide the emotional support I needed in medical school, even if they didn't turn out to be 'Mr. Right'. But then I got here, and I was just as nervous and confused about the whole thing as I was in High School. Until you. Shit!"

"What?"

"I found what I told myself I was looking for and didn't even realize it! Now you're scaring me!"

"Being my girlfriend or marrying me is scary?"

Sandy laughed, "No, the fact that you're making sense!"

"Nice," I chuckled. "Don't I usually?"

"Not when it comes to your relationships, you don't. Otherwise, usually, yes."

"A not unreasonable observation."

"And you'd rather have me than Angie?"

"That's like asking for the 32nd flavor at Baskin-Robbins."

"They only have 31!"

"Exactly. An option which isn't available isn't REALLY an option."

"So what do we do?"

"Take off the blinders and see what happens," I said.

"Easier said than done. We still need to talk, but I think we need to get out of bed so you can pray and run with Mrs. Loucks!"

November 30, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

"That is a very astute observation," Doctor Hart said when we met early Tuesday afternoon. "And that was before your failed reunion with Jocelyn?"

"Yes. It was something that just kind of hit me. You know, that I have a relationship with Sandy even though I didn't think I did, if you know what I mean by that."

"You thought you could just engage in what amounted to recreational sex without developing feelings for her?"

"Not consciously, but probably subconsciously."

"And how did she react when you told her?"

"It kind of freaked her out, and I'd say once she internalized it, it was more fear than anything."

"Fear? Why do you say that?"

"Because it's the same reaction I had! I just sort of fell into something I wasn't expecting. And the revelation scared me."

"You don't seem frightened now," Doctor Hart observed.

"I had some time to get used to the idea, and it certainly isn't the craziest idea I've had."

"So you're considering her as a future mate?"

I shrugged, "I'm open to the idea. I have no intention of making any kind of permanent commitment, but that said, I'm not looking to end things with Sandy."

"How does this affect your other relationships? Is Sandy now expecting fidelity?"

"At this point, nothing has changed. Sandy asked for time to think about it."

"And if she decides you should be exclusive?"

"I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but she knows I made a commitment to Tasha not to make any long-term commitments before Tasha graduates."

"Trying to eat your cake and have it, too?"

"I suppose it could look that way, but no. I only promised not to do something before a certain date, and I haven't hidden that from anyone. Sandy knows I see Tasha when I go home and that I've been seeing Katy. And Tasha has come to visit. I also went on one date with Nancy, though I'm not sure I'll do that again."

"I thought you were just seeing her as a friend."

"She's interested in trying again, but I'm not sure our world views line up closely enough for that to happen."

"You might be surprised," Doctor Hart laughed. "I'm pretty much a dyed-in-the-wool Democrat, and my wife is a Republican. The debates can be lively, but we reach the necessary compromises on raising kids, giving to charity, and that kind of thing. I'm not saying it's for everyone, but it does work if you work at it."

I nodded, "My mom said marriage is hard work, and I believe her. I guess I'm looking for as much in common as possible to reduce the potential friction points."

Doctor Hart laughed softly, "This may sound odd, but if you have nothing big to fight about, you'll fight about trivial things. It's human nature. It's HOW you fight that matters. Conflict WILL arise over something. I believe you've seen that already in your relationships."

"True."

"You can't walk away from them in marriage. Well, you can, but you know what I mean by that."

"I do. And that's what bugs me the most about the situation with Jocelyn. Yes, it hurts that she and I are estranged, but it's her simply walking away that was like a dagger in my heart. I know there's no simple solution, but she won't even try after nearly fifteen years of being the closest of friends."

"I think you've discovered for yourself that sex changes things, and very often in unpredictable ways. You didn't expect it to drive you and Jocelyn apart any more than you expected it to bring you and Sandy together."

"Which makes me even more sure I was right to resist April's invitation to stay the night."

"When did that happen?"

"When I was home. I went to see her and her baby. That was a totally cool experience; the baby, I mean. I discovered several things about the world and about myself just seeing Chastity nurse and holding her. April invited me to stay, implying it was just casual, but the more I think about it, the combination of the baby and having sex would have changed things, and given April's views on religion, it would have turned out badly."

"That's an awfully complex situation to walk into as a college student. I would advise extreme caution."

"I have no intention of becoming involved with April. I'll stop in to see the baby from time to time, but I'm not going to let April draw me into a relationship."

"Just be careful with all your interactions. Young men often make judgment errors when young women make themselves available!"

I chuckled, "Which is something similar to what my grandfather said about it. He referred to it as a trap!"

"I'm not surprised to hear that, in jest, of course, from someone his age. On a different subject, are you having any issues with classes or professors?"

"No. Everything is fine in that regard. I'm just staying out of Dean Parker's line of fire as best I can."

"Wise. Do you still intend to apply for an RA position next year?"

"I do. I'll fill out the forms in January and have you, Doctor Blahnik and Doctor Stanton sign as we discussed."

"How are your music lessons?"

"Good. My guitar skills are passable, and I sing occasionally with Milena at parties, in addition to before or after lessons. It's good practice."

"Do you play in the dorm at all?"

"Occasionally, yes."

"And your karate?"

"I'm still a purple belt, though there's a good chance I'll test for my blue belt before next Summer. I just haven't really put as much effort into it as I ought to. Angie is going, and she's an orange belt now, and Robby and Lee started this year and are about to become yellow belts."

"I'd say you've adapted very well to college life. You aren't in any clubs, are you?"

"No. The only one I considered was chess club, but I honestly don't have anywhere near the time THAT requires. I used to play and study about fifteen hours a week during High School to be a decent Class B player. I play casually, but time is the one commodity I can't manufacture more of!"

"A problem which will get worse before it gets better, given your choice of careers."

"Something of which I'm acutely aware."

December 1, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

Sandy and I were cuddled in bed on Wednesday evening without intending to make love because she preferred not doing it during her period. She'd offered oral sex, but I felt it was better to just talk.

"I'm sorry I put you off again last night," she said. "I just needed more time to think about what you said. It has some pretty serious ramifications."

"You're telling me?" I chuckled.

"Can I tell you something that might be a bit weird but also might bother you?"

"Yes," I said warily.

"Do you remember what I said about thinking about marrying the first guy I fucked being surprising?"

"Yes."

"I was thinking more about that, and, shoot, I don't know..."

"You wanted to 'sow your wild oats', as it were, and now you think you can't? We're not exclusive, Sandy!"

She took a deep breath and let it out, "But see, I don't believe it's right for ME, and I mean ME, to sleep with two guys at the same time. I don't mean, like in the same bed, but you know, have two lovers. It just seems wrong for some reason."

I took a few breaths before responding, trying to keep myself on an even keel.

"Are you saying you want to stop what we're doing?"

"No! But ... shit! This is WAY too complicated!"

"I think I amped up your stress instead of reducing it," I said. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize for bringing something out in the open. Can you imagine if we just kind of fell into that without even thinking about it?"

"Didn't we?" I asked.

"Yeah, but we realized it before we did something permanent or irrevocable. I don't like the idea of divorce any more than you do. One husband. Period. For life. That's the plan."

"Me too. Well, wife, I mean!"

Sandy laughed, "I was about to ask if you were going to swap me out for Robby or Lee!"

"You know I have no claim on you," I said gently.

"Yeah, but I don't want to mess things up! And if what you're saying is a real possibility, is letting some other guy into my panties a good idea?"

"There are no guarantees either way."

Sandy was quiet for a moment.

"No, there aren't. But I'd rather we decide together if this is right or wrong before I do something that could mess it up."

"And me?"

"What did you say? I have no claims on you. I've sort of blocked Sophia, I guess."

"Yes, but that was for me, not for her. She was helping comfort me, if you will, but to be honest, I'm getting that from you, too."

"Jesus!" Sandy gasped. "You're serious, aren't you?"

"What? You thought this was some kind of put-on? I didn't bring it up on a lark."

"No, obviously, but it wasn't just hypothetical. You really feel that way about me."

"I'm as surprised as you are."

"I'm not sure how I feel about all of this. I mean, I absolutely do not want to stop sleeping with you, but it was never meant to be anything like this!"

"I've discovered that things don't always turn out the way I want or expect."

"Jocelyn?"

"Mainly, yes, but also how things went down with my sister. So, given how they HAVE turned out, what do you want to do?"

"Can we just keep doing what we're doing and worry about the future in the future?"

I wondered if that were possible, given that I'd spoken my feelings aloud. Could we really go back to how things were? I wasn't sure. But then again, there really were only two alternatives if Sandy felt that way — end things or continue on and see how they turned out.

"Sure," I replied.

"Good," she said, snuggling close.

December 4, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

"It's 60°F, and you're talking about skiing?" I asked.

"Yep!" Lee grinned. "Robby, Sophia, and I are going to Boyne Mountain over Christmas break. You should come with!"

"I'm working from the 27th to the 31st," I said.

"That's a bummer. It's a lot of fun."

"I've never skied before!" I protested.

"They have lessons, and honestly, a few hours is enough to learn to ski on the kinds of trails they have. We're not talking anything like the Matterhorn!"

"Maybe some other time," I said. "I'm committed to working, and I can use the extra money. Every little bit increases my safety net and makes it less of an issue when I go out with you guys."

"Don't suggest he lower his music budget!" Robby demanded. "Nobody else here always has the latest good albums! And he has them all!"

"Don't make plans for next Christmas," Lee said. "Come skiing with us."

"I'll think about it."

"Sophia needs a roommate," he said.

"That's an enticing sweetener, but don't you think SHE should make the offer?"

"She spends the night with you occasionally. Besides, I checked with her first!"

"Ask me again when school starts next Fall. I'll probably say yes."

"Cool! Shall we go find the rest of the gang?"

"Actually, Clark and I were going to the BMV. He needs to renew his license. We'll catch up with you afterwards."

"If the lines here are like they are back home, we won't see you two until dinner!"

"They close at noon on Saturdays."

Clark came out of his room, and he and I headed for the elevators, and once we reached the lobby, for my car.

"Thanks for the lift."

"I'd have let you borrow the car if you could drive stick shift."

"Never learned. My mom has an automatic," he answered. "And I heard from the sweet thing. She's coming to visit next Saturday."

"You are BOTH insane. Look, I have no problem with the relationship, but if her dad finds out..."

"How? She's sure as shit not going to tell him!"

"And Amy?"

"We have an agreement, and this doesn't violate it."

"Of course you do!" I said, shaking my head.

"Says the guy who has a couple of girls keeping him warm and happy, not to mention a pair of hot Russian chicks he's dating! You should nail that professor's daughter and her friends while you still can!"

"They're all yours," I chuckled.

"I have my hands full at the moment, so they'll have to wait!"

"Too many girls; too little time?"

"Something like that!" Clark laughed. "Seriously, though. That Milena chick is cute with really nice tits! And I bet she's a wildcat!"