Chapter 28: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

November 20, 1982, West Monroe, Ohio

"No bacon or eggs? Seriously?" April asked on Saturday morning.

"The general rule for fasting is no animal products of any kind."

"But you didn't do that when we were dating?"

"Because I wasn't interested in debating it with you," I replied. "That was probably a mistake on my part."

"So now what?"

"I'll eat what you're making," I said. "It falls under the 'hospitality' rule, which says you should eat what you're served. I'll eat waffles, eggs, and buttered toast, though I should really pass on the bacon."

"This is really weird. It's not even Lent."

"Except it is," I said gently. "We call it 'Little Lent' as opposed to 'Great Lent'. This is the Nativity Fast, as opposed to the main one, which you know as 'Lent', which comes before Pascha, or Easter."

"So you don't just like give up candy or something?"

"No. If you want to know what being married to me would be like, this is just a small taste."

"Why didn't you tell me when we were dating?"

"Because you wouldn't even set foot in church, so, in the end, it really didn't matter. From my perspective, if I could get you to go to church, we could ease into the fasting rules and come up with something that worked for us. The rules are a bit flexible, if you will because it's a rule like in 'ruler' or measuring stick, not like in 'law' or game rules."

"So you don't have to do it?"

"Yes and no," I said. "It's about spiritual discipline. So, not doing it is not taking advantage of all the tools God gives us to help us stay in union with Him. And fasting is a common thing in the Bible, in case you were wondering."

"Our church taught that it was not eating at all for a short period of time."

"That is one method, but the most ancient method is the one I'm describing. It goes back at least to the 4th Century, and likely before that."

Chastity started fussing, and April asked me to go get her. I did, putting a towel on my shoulder and holding her the way April had shown me.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" Cassie asked, coming into the kitchen.

"Hi, Cassie," I said.

"Husband, wife, and baby all in the kitchen for breakfast! And very early, too!"

"Cassie," I said firmly. "Mind your own business, please."

"Give me a break! You two finally did it, and it's about fucking time! I'm just teasing!"

"Lay off, OK?" I asked. "Please?"

"Whatever," she said, rolling her eyes. "I'm going to change. I need to get to work."

She left the kitchen.

"Sorry," April said.

"It's OK. When she asks you what happened, just tell her to mind her own business. It's between you and me and nobody else."

Fortunately, Cassie didn't bother us before she left for work, and April and I had a nice breakfast. Chastity demanded to be fed as soon as we finished eating, so I did the dishes while April nursed her. When everything was cleaned up, and Chastity was done eating, April walked me to the door.

"Thanks, Mike," she said, giving me a soft kiss. "I hope we can do this again."

"It was fun! I'll call you later in the week once I know what's going on with Dale and Jocelyn."

"Thanks."

I left April's house and headed home. I made myself some tea, then went to the basement to find my dad.

"Where's Mom?"

"She and Liz went shopping. You were up very early this morning."

"I promised April I'd have breakfast with her, and I figured spending the night there was a bad idea."

"I think that's a complication you definitely don't need right now."

"Oh, I know. And breakfast kind of proved me right. When I was dating April, I more or less ignored the fasting rules when I was with her to keep the peace. I mentioned them this morning, and April looked at me like I had two heads."

Dad laughed, "That was more or less my reaction when your mom told me about them! I thought she was nuts!"

"And now," I grinned.

"I believe I'll refrain from saying anything which might be misinterpreted!"

"Smart move," I nodded. "The walls have ears!"

"If it weren't for the differences over church, you and April might still be together."

"Maybe," I said. "But who knows what would have happened when I met my friends in McKinley. Not to mention how I felt about Tasha when Mrs. Orlova fixed me up with her."

"Felt? As in past tense?"

"Sorry, what I meant was given how I felt about Tasha at the time, it's entirely possible I would have broken up with April to see Tasha, even with the crazy restrictions Deacon Vasily put in place."

"Given even the little I know about your history, I'd say those rules made a lot of sense, wouldn't you?"

"What was it you said about not saying anything which might be misinterpreted?"

"I'm going to assume that means you're behaving like a gentleman and leave it at that. When is Dale coming home?"

"Tomorrow. He's staying in Indianapolis tonight with a friend. I have a date with Tasha tonight. I might, or might not, see Jocelyn. I have no idea what's going on there, except her mom said to call late in the afternoon."

"If you want my advice, for whatever it's worth, just listen to her, Mike. Let her say whatever it is she needs to say, and THEN decide how to respond. And take into account all the trauma she's faced."

I nodded, "I had similar advice from Clarissa and from Doctor Hart."

"I keep hearing that name a lot."

"She's my closest friend at Taft," I said.

"Someone you're interested in?"

"Our relationship isn't like that. She's a friend, a close one, but a friend."

"Nice try, but your mom said you asked her opinion on marrying a friend!"

"I can't say what I want to right now because it would reveal a confidence, but I was NOT talking about Clarissa. Trust me. She and I are friends and not friends who would marry."

"Don't be so sure! Life has ways of throwing us curveballs."

I had managed to get myself into a situation where he was going to mention Clarissa to Mom, and that idea would take on a life of its own. I had to put a stop to it before it started.

"Dad, it's not going to happen. Clarissa is a lesbian. OK? And you CAN NOT repeat that! To anyone. Not even Mom! I only told you to put a stop to the silly speculation which was going to start. I know how this family works!"

Dad put down his tools and turned towards me from the bookshelf he was making.

"I'm sorry, Mike," he said. "I should have listened to you."

"Yes, you should have. And please, please do not repeat what I said to Mom or anyone. I'm the only person in the world Clarissa has told."

"How did you wind up with a lesbian friend?"

I smiled, "She picked me. It was partly her wanting a good study partner, but also, she deduced I was someone she could talk to. Our little circle of friends is pretty tight-knit now, but she hasn't revealed her secret to anyone else. Robby and Lee have."

"You have gay friends, too?"

"So? They're good guys. I don't worry about their sex lives any more than they worry about mine. I have black friends, and that doesn't bother you. Why should this?"

"You can't pick your skin color, Mike!" Dad protested.

"And you think Clarissa decided at age twelve that she was going to be a lesbian and found girls to be sexually attractive and boys not to be? I don't see it. I think she was born that way."

"But the Church..."

"Objects to fornication of ANY kind. There's no 'straight' versus 'gay' distinction there. Now, it presents a serious problem for homosexuals because they have no legitimate outlet for sexual desire, but that's only a problem for them if they're in the Church."

"That's what they're teaching you at Taft?"

I shook my head, "No. That's what Father Herman taught us, if you pay close attention. I don't ever recall him giving a single homily on homosexuality. He talked about sexual purity and restricting the outlet of sexual expression to marriage as defined by the Church, but he didn't go off on gay people like the obviously Calvinist pastor who's preaching on campus. I bet you heard that stuff at your Calvinist church growing up, though."

Dad nodded, "Yes, and you have to agree that it's a sin."

"Of course it is. But then again, so was my sleeping with Jocelyn. And Becky. And any sex you or mom might or might not have had before you and mom married."

"She told you, didn't she?"

"Yes."

He took a deep breath and let it out, "So now you think I'm a hypocrite."

Which told me that he and Mom HAD gone to bed together before they married, but after they were engaged. It wasn't an issue in my book, either way, but it did give me more insight into my dad's thinking.

"No," I said gently. "I think you're human. Just as I am. And just as Mom is. Remember, 'sin' is missing the mark, a state from which we can recover by God's grace; not a permanent black mark which condemns us to Hell. This whole bit about the elect not committing grave sin is a lie from the pit of Hell! Who would tell you that sin could permanently separate you from God? Satan! That's who! It's one of his aces in the hole! It's never a message I heard from the Church! And I'm sure you haven't either because I can't imagine Father Herman saying something like that! Or the bishop."

"You sound just like your mom," Dad said with a smile. "I heard basically that same speech twenty-two years ago."

"Maybe it'll take this time," I said with a smile.

"It's very difficult to change things you've believed for your entire life."

I nodded, "I know, which is exactly why I broke up with April and why I didn't spend the night with her last night, despite it being very tempting. I KNOW it's highly unlikely I'll change certain core beliefs. And that meant being honest with myself and with April. And with others."

"Did you know the kid they arrested for selling drugs?"

"I knew who he was, but I hadn't the foggiest idea he was the supplier for the dorm. I've never even seen the stuff, let alone tried it."

"I can't imagine you would. You've given your grandfather grief about smoking since you were little."

"He has cut back to about half a pack a day," I said. "And he's probably healthier than we are!"

Dad laughed, "That's because he and his friends have pickled themselves with vodka! No self-respecting virus or bacterium would go near them!"

"So you're saying the prescription for a long life is hard drinking?" I grinned.

"You're only half Russian! The other half is Dutch Calvinist! And I don't think anyone in my family before me had a drink in the last hundred years, at least! Your great-grandmother was president of her local chapter of the WCTU."

I laughed, "I've seen those 'Lips which touch liquor shall not touch ours' pictures. Nobody would want to kiss any of those women anyway!"

"Mike!" Dad reprimanded, but he was laughing.

"You know as well as I do that the girls at the 'Pro-Life' rallies are WAY hotter than the ones at the 'Pro-Choice' rallies!"

"True. And thus proving that the Loucks men are pigs, just as your mother believes!"

"She does not!" I chuckled. "She accuses us, but she knows better. And frankly, observing and enjoying the beauty of God's creation can never be wrong!"

Dad laughed really hard, almost to the point of tears.

"Only you could use theology to defend staring at a pretty girl!"

I shrugged, "I use whatever ammunition I can find! And by the way, I heard THAT from Father Herman! Of course, he did go on to point out that if you KEPT looking, with improper intent, that's where the sin was."

"There's always a catch, isn't there?"

"Ain't that the truth!"

I heard the door upstairs and heard Mom and Liz call out hello, so I told Dad I'd see him later and went upstairs. Liz and I exchanged a hug, and I helped put the groceries away. Once we were done, Liz and I went to sit in my room to talk.

"Mom has let up on the reins a bit, I hear."

"A bit. Paul wrote back to me!"

"You're playing with fire, Elizaveta Petrovna," I said.

"You sound like Mom!"

"Two for two. Dad said the same thing earlier."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Why not spend the night with April? She wanted it, right? And you think she's hot? Why not just have fun?"

"Because, in the end, I believe she'd hope something could come of it, and it simply can't. She confirmed that at breakfast when we discussed fasting."

"Only my idiot brother would let stupid rules like that prevent him from banging a hot chick who wants him!"

"When's the last time you were in church?" I asked.

"OK, Mom, enough," Liz growled. "It's all bullshit, Mikey. Just another way to control people."

"Nobody controls me," I said. "I choose to do the things I do."

"I don't recall getting laid being approved by the Church," she said, sounding a bit snide.

"It's not," I agreed, "It's something I've discussed at length with Father Nicholas. It's something I struggle with."

"That hasn't stopped you!"

"Oh really? Ask April. Or Mindy. Look, I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't go around having sex with everyone who offers. And trust me, there have been a lot of offers."

"Then you're even dumber than I thought!"

"You aren't the only one who's said that, but you know what? I have to live my life in a way I'm comfortable living it. And having sex with any girl who asks is NOT something I'm comfortable with. How's school?"

"OK. The place is full of dweebs, but Mindy, Emmy, Kris, and Liesel, a German exchange student, are totally cool."

"And your grades are OK?"

"Yes, Mom!" Liz sighed.

"I care about you," I said. "Why give me a hard time?"

"Because you don't understand me and think I'm ruining my life."

"Do I think you're making a mistake? Yes. But it's your life. When does Paul get out?"

"Sometime around the end of next year or early '84. He gets time off for good behavior and that already adds up to close to a year reduction in his sentence. And they count the time he was in after he was arrested, too."

"And then what?"

"We move in together."

"Mom and Dad are going to completely lose their minds," I sighed. "You can't do that until you're eighteen, by the way."

"March of 1984."

"May I at least suggest you graduate from High School first?"

"I can do that living with Paul."

"Liz, you're not thinking straight," I protested weakly.

"Deal with it, Mikey. I love him. He loves me. That was true before I begged him to make love to me."

I shook my head, "Whatever happens, just remember I love you."

Liz rolled her eyes and didn't say anything in response. There really wasn't anything further I could say to her, and after a couple of minutes of silence, she got up and left. I seriously considered telling my parents, but I wasn't sure what that would accomplish, except to further alienate Liz. I wondered how much trouble Paul Reynolds would be in if it was discovered he was communicating with the girl on whose account he was in prison. The problem was, if something happened, Liz would blame me. And maybe that was OK.

My real dilemma was just how much I should interfere with her life. She was nearly seventeen, and except for the situation with Paul, she seemed to have her life in order. Was what I knew grounds for creating complete turmoil in her life? There would be plenty of it when Paul got out of prison, and she moved in with him, but maybe, just maybe, they DID love each other. And if that was true, then I'd be interfering in a way which would offend me if someone tried to interfere with me in that way.

I checked my watch and it was still too early for lunch, and I didn't really have anyone I wanted to see. I was sure Amelia was home, but Janie and I were not on the best of terms, and I really didn't want to run into her. It was going to be bad enough working with her at Christmas. It struck me as funny that I'd been home for a day and was already missing my friends. I shook my head, turned on the radio, and pulled a book from the shelf to read until lunch.

I had lunch, then read until 3:30pm, when, after checking my watch about two dozen times, it was finally time to call Jocelyn's house. Her mom answered and called Jocelyn to the phone.

"Hi," I said evenly.

"Hi, Mike."

"How are you?"

"Fine. Come to dinner tomorrow at 6:00pm."

"I'll be there," I said.

"OK."

"Bye."

I heard the phone click as she replaced the handset, so I hung up as well. The terseness of the conversation didn't fill me with confidence, but the dinner invitation implied that I wasn't going to get some kind of tongue lashing, though that could always occur after dinner. I read for another thirty minutes, then showered, dressed, and headed to church for Vespers.

I arrived early and spent time quietly standing in the nave, enjoying the calm peacefulness that I always felt in church. When the service began, I simply let the hymns, prayers, and incense bring my mind to the 'Throne Room of God'.

When the service ended, Tasha greeted me warmly with a hug and a quick kiss, and after saying 'goodbye' to her parents, we walked out to my car and headed for Marie's diner where we each ordered a salad.

"Did you speak to Jocelyn?"

"Only long enough for her to invite me to dinner at her house tomorrow."