Chapter 23: I Wished You Were a Girl

October 16, 1982, West Monroe, Ohio

"I had the weirdest experience today."

"Oh?" Mom asked with an arched eyebrow.

"I stopped in to see April. She was nursing Chastity. Later, April let me hold her. I was just blown away by the whole experience."

"Babies change your life in many, many ways."

I nodded, "It was like scales fell from my eyes. You know, things I knew intellectually but didn't really understand."

"Care to share?"

"Let's just say my views on female anatomy changed a bit."

"That mammaries are primarily intended for feeding babies?"

I nodded, "Yes. It was really strange because I'd never seen April's breasts before this afternoon, and when I saw them today, I didn't think about sex."

"A revelation which has caused many a man to lose interest in his wife after she has a baby."

"Huh?"

"Some men can't see a woman as a sexual partner AND a mother to their children, and it causes problems in the relationship."

"You and Dad?" I asked.

Mom smirked, "I thought you didn't want details!"

I grimaced, "I don't!"

"Then I'll take pity on you. But no, your father didn't have that problem. But, like you, he was blown away by the little person he'd helped create. Of course, this is different for you because you aren't the baby's father."

"True, but holding her made me think about having my own kids and what it would be like to hold my own baby in my arms."

"May I ask a question?"

"If you can't, I don't know who can!"

"Could you love that baby as your own?"

"What do you mean? Like, I'm going to start dating April and marry her or something? That's not going to happen."

"Humor me."

"I suppose if I were to marry April, which, as I said, is not happening, I would love that baby just as much as if she were mine."

Mom smiled, "An interesting revelation, don't you think?"

Jocelyn! THAT was the key to my thoughts as I drove around before meeting Janey. I hadn't realized it before, but Mom's question had made the fog lift, as it were. Suddenly, things which had been murky were clear, but things which I thought had been clear, were now murky.

"You're referring to Jocelyn, aren't you?"

"If your mind went THERE with that simple question, then I daresay you can't complain that I was telling you what to do."

I smiled and laughed softly, "No, I can't. You asked the question that got right to the point. I think I understand what I am feeling now. Well, a little more, anyway."

"Did you spend the afternoon at April's? I know from the girls you didn't come home until it was time to get ready for Vespers."

"I had lunch with April and Cassie and then drove around for a bit. I picked up Janey at the hardware store when her shift ended. I had gone to see Mr. Orlov before I went to April's and ran into her. Oh, before I forget, I have forty hours between Christmas and New Year's because Sergei is going to be in Florida."

"That's good. What did you and Janey do?"

I smirked, "Wouldn't YOU like to know!"

"If you had that mind-blowing experience with April and Chastity and then had a casual fling with Janey Riley, I'm going to be sorely disappointed."

"I drove her home, and she asked me to come inside," I grinned. "Nobody else was home!"

Mom sighed, "If THAT happened, I think maybe I'd rather you had come home and been with Mindy."

"So," I chuckled, "now you're giving me permission to have sex with Mindy?"

"That is not what I said, and you know it!" Mom laughed.

"I let Janey walk into the house alone," I said. "Then I drove to Grant Park and sat in my car and listened to music until it was time to come home to get ready for Vespers."

"How was your date with Tasha?"

"They're pretty consistent — dinner, ice cream, a bit of making out, and then I take her home before Deacon Vasily sends out the National Guard to look for us!"

"You didn't say anything to her about Katy, did you?"

"No, of course not. Do I LOOK like a complete idiot?"

"No, but there are times you act like one!"

"Gee, thanks," I said sarcastically.

"It's part of growing up, Mike. You make mistakes and learn from them. Your decision-making is usually pretty good, but like most men, your brain is addled when pretty girls are around and available."

"I did make good decisions about Mindy and Janey!"

"One swallow does not a Summer make," Mom said.

My mind immediately went to a double meaning, and I couldn't help but burst out laughing.

"Mikhail Petrovich!" Mom reprimanded. "That is just crude!"

I fought to control my laughter, then said, "If your mind went THERE with that laugh, then I daresay you can't complain about me laughing about what you said! Honestly, what does that say about YOU?"

Mom smiled wryly, "That you are definitely my son."

"I'm going up to bed," I grinned. "See you in the morning for church."

"When will you be home again?"

"Probably not until Thanksgiving."

"Good night, Mike."

"Good night, Mom."

October 17, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

"Did you decide what to do?" Clarissa asked as we drank coffee on Sunday afternoon.

"No, but I think I have a clearer picture of things with Katy. But I also have something new to think about. I went to visit my ex-girlfriend, April, and her baby, Chastity. I saw April nurse Chastity, and April let me hold her, too. It was mind-blowing."

Clarissa's eyes narrowed, "She's not yours, is she?"

I shook my head, "No. April got pregnant about four months after we broke up."

"So what was so intense about it?"

"Just realizing things I knew but never REALLY knew, if you get my drift."

"And?"

"One of my problems with Jocelyn was that she couldn't have a baby with me. But my mom asked one simple question — if I married April, would I love the baby. I said, 'Yes, as my own'. And that's when it hit me that I might have been mistaken about my feelings on the matter."

"Let me update my scorecard with new odds," Clarissa laughed. "I'd kind of discounted Jocelyn for a bunch of reasons, but it seems like something really changed in your thinking."

"Don't increase the odds too much," I sighed. "She's still not talking to me."

"If you tell her about your changed feelings, don't you think that might help repair things?"

"I have no clue," I sighed. "And I honestly have serious qualms about getting involved romantically with her after everything that happened."

"That's a change. Why?"

"Because of the way she's acted and reacted over the past year. I guess I see a lot of me in her decision about college. In the past, my way of dealing with difficult situations was to avoid them. I'm not even close to good at dealing with them, but I'm at least trying. She ran away. I'm afraid if we had trouble in our relationship, she might run away again. And add in the terrible mood swings and all the other stuff, and I'm just not sure. And before I even think about that, I need to get 'Jos' back."

"I'm no genius at relationships, but it seems as if you can achieve one of two goals — either she's 'Jos' to your 'Mik', or she's Jocelyn, your girlfriend or fiancée or whatever. I don't think she can be both."

"Why? Wouldn't you want your spouse to be your best friend? I mean, take you and me. Forgetting about the whole 'orientation' problem, wouldn't we make a good couple?"

Clarissa laughed, "Do you know what I thought last night? I wished you were a girl."

"There's a wish I do NOT want to see fulfilled!" I grinned. "But why?"

"Because of what you just said. Being close friends with your spouse or lover or whatever seems like a really good thing. And you and I are really close and getting closer. But short of finding a magic lamp and a «djinn» to grant me wishes, AND you agreeing, that's not going to happen! As for Jocelyn, I just don't think you two can reconnect on both levels. Maybe you can, and I'm totally missing it, but I think you need to decide what your ultimate goal is and work towards THAT."

"I don't KNOW what my ultimate goal is. For now, I just want her to talk to me. THEN, we can see where things go. I have lots of time."

"Do you? You owe Katy an answer by the end of April. That's only six months away."

"I know. I'm leaning towards telling her she should go to Stanford, and we'll see what happens in the future."

"Which only pushes the decision point back a year," Clarissa declared.

"I know that, too," I sighed. "But I'm also pretty sure Tasha won't run off and find another guy if I'm not quite ready to make a commitment the day after she graduates. She'd only be just about to turn 20 when I start medical school. It's a risk, but I think I'm safer with that risk than with Katy."

"Interesting. Why?"

"Because they are two different people. I'm pretty sure Tasha will wait until she's sure I'm not available before she makes any other commitment. Katy most likely won't. She'll date and stuff, and if things change, then she'll have the decision to make rather than me. I mean, there's a chance I'm wrong about both of them, but I don't think so."

"Will you tell Katy right away?"

"No, because I want more time to think about it. But I also won't wait until April 30th because that wouldn't be fair to her. The key is not obsessing about it and just getting on with school and friends."

"I suppose that makes sense. Did you do anything else at home?"

I smirked, "Fended off the advances of multiple young women who wished to molest me!"

Clarissa laughed, "Now you sound like me talking about guys when I was a Freshman in High School! Mindy, for sure. Who was the other one?"

"Janey Riley. I worked with her sister over the Summer, and the three of us hung out. There was nothing really going on between any of us, you know, it was just friends. Then, right before I came back to McKinley, Janey asked me to take her out and suggested, strongly she wanted to go to bed with me."

"After one date?"

I shrugged, "Not really, if you think about it. We hung out. She decided I was fun to be around, that I was a nice guy, and that I'd be a good choice for some fun, so to speak."

"ARE you a good choice for fun?" Clarissa asked with a silly smile.

"I've had no complaints. But the only way to answer THAT question is direct experience! And that's off the table or bed or whatever! Well, short of a «djinn» and a lamp!"

Clarissa laughed, "You are a real goofball at times. I take it from what you said, you turned her down?"

"Yes. She was just, well, too aggressive, I guess. I had that problem with Melody. I told you about that when we talked about the breakup."

"I just don't get that," Clarissa said, shaking her head, "It's almost like she's trying on a bra to see if it's comfortable. I mean, OK, just screwing to feel good or relieve stress is one thing, but making having good sex a requirement for starting a relationship? That seems backwards to me."

"So you differentiate between the two kinds?"

"Don't you? I don't recall you agonizing over engaging in 'stress relief' with Sandy the way you said you did with Melody or the way you are with Katy."

"I suppose that's true," I said. "I was actually thinking about that in relation to some other girls I've dated in the past."

"I think it makes sense. If you're just going to screw for fun or whatever, it doesn't really mean anything. If you're in a relationship, it does."

"I guess that's where I've been confused — the 'not meaning anything' bit. Janey kept making the point that we're teenagers, and we're supposed to be fooling around now, and it doesn't mean anything. I'm not a hundred percent sure about that."

"What about you and Sandy?" Clarissa asked.

"I think it has a meaning within the context of our friendship. I don't think I would have agreed to be with her if we weren't good friends first."

"Which maybe explains Janey? And maybe even Mindy?"

I chuckled, "Mindy, at first, was because of my little sister, but also because she's in High School. I made the mistake of saying THAT to Janey, and she became really upset because I'm only about seventeen months older than she is. But I just didn't have the same feeling about Janey that I did Sandy. I guess, in the end, I do think what Sandy and I are doing has meaning, and I think she'd agree."

"Have you talked to her about it?"

"No. I think both of us are just sort of ignoring that to avoid complicating things. Why?"

"I guess I'm just wondering at which point she becomes your girlfriend, you know, de facto."

"I hadn't thought of it that way."

"Has she?"

"I have NO idea," I replied, suddenly concerned.

"I think you better find out before you wind up in a VERY bad place."

"I think you're right."

October 18, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

"I think we need to talk," I said to Sandy when she got into bed with me on Monday night.

"Uh-oh," she replied nervously.

"It's not that," I said gently, putting my arm around her and pulling her to cuddle me.

"Then what?"

"Clarissa asked me a question that really made me think about us. She wanted to know at what point in our relationship you would become my girlfriend, even if it was never officially stated that way."

"I hadn't even thought about it, really. I mean, I REALLY like what we do together, and we're friends, but I hadn't thought about it as boyfriend/girlfriend. I mean, I told you what it was that I had wanted when I asked."

I chuckled, "You were very clear that you wanted to screw and that you wanted to screw a lot more in the future."

"I said 'fuck', actually," Sandy replied with a smirk. "And that's what this is, isn't it? I mean, sometimes we do it slow and tender, but usually, we go at it like a couple of crazed bunny rabbits! Do YOU feel like we're making love or just fucking?"

"That's an excellent question," I said. "Is that the difference, then? Couples make love? And people who are like what we are, just screw? I mean, what would you call me?"

"Hmm. You know, that's a damned good question. I don't think anyone I knew in High School had a regular sex partner who wasn't their boyfriend. I knew girls who were with different guys, kind of the 'you took me to the dance, so you get to fuck me' thing, but nothing like this."

I chuckled, "Where were THOSE girls when I was in High School?"

"You either weren't looking in the right place or, more likely, from what I know about you, didn't really want them."

"You're right; I didn't."

"Can you do something for me? While I think about this?"

"Sure. What?"

"Fuck me unconscious. You made my stress meter max out!"

"Sorry."

"Just shut up and fuck me, OK?"

I did as she asked, but it took two very energetic rounds before she snuggled close and fell asleep. I didn't fall asleep right away, because my brain was turning over all the things which had happened since Katy basically asked me to marry her.

October 19, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

"Friends who have sex is all I can come up with," Sandy said when I got up to shut off the alarm on Tuesday morning.

"I was thinking, last night after you fell asleep, about what happens if I decide to start dating someone seriously."

"I thought that wasn't in the cards, at least not anytime soon."

I shrugged, "Probably not, but I'm curious."

"Well, if she won't let me fuck you, then I'll have to deal with it, I guess. I was kind of hoping this would last at least through our MCATs."

"Two more years?"

"I sure won't complain, and I don't think YOU have any complaints. Especially since you get some on the side with Sophia!"

I chuckled, "Now you sound like a girlfriend!"

"Shit!" Sandy swore. "Sorry."

I chuckled, "It's OK. But we need to get cleaned up before my wife gets home!"

Sandy laughed hard and climbed out of bed. She helped me change the sheets on the bed, then dressed. We kissed, and she went to her room, and I headed for the showers. Fifteen minutes later, Angie arrived, we said our prayers, and then we did our morning run. After another shower, I headed to breakfast with the other early risers, which was about a third of the gang when they didn't have class.

After lab and lunch, I went to see Doctor Hart.

"Well, THAT is an interesting development," Doctor Hart said.

"Which one?"

"Good point. There were several interesting developments. I suppose we should talk about Katy, then about your friend's baby, and then about Jocelyn."

My conversation with him about Katy didn't provide any new insights, and his questions were similar to the ones my mom had asked. I was reasonably convinced my best course of action was to tell her I couldn't make the commitment she wanted and have her go to Stanford. But I was still going to think about it. Then we talked about Chastity.

"I'd say you had some kind of revelation," Doctor Hart said.

I nodded, "My thought was that the scales fell from my eyes."

"Paul's experience on the Road to Damascus?"

I nodded, "Yeah, but I didn't fall off my pony ... car!"

Doctor Hart laughed, "You're developing a fairly quick wit and a good sense of humor, which will serve you well if nurtured properly. But, back to your revelation that you could love a baby who wasn't yours. I take it that has confused your thinking about Jocelyn."