Chapter 17: ... Who\'ll Do Anything For You

September 14, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

"How did your parents fight?" Doctor Hart asked.

"They didn't," I replied. "Whenever my dad disagreed with my mom, he went to his workshop in the basement."

Doctor Hart smiled, "OK, perhaps I should have phrased that better. How did they resolve conflicts?"

"Just as I described."

"And after he hid in his workshop?"

"He basically stayed there until he accepted that my mom was right, then went to make up. Do NOT ask me how!"

Doctor Hart laughed, "The old cliché that make-up sex is the best."

"You don't happen to have any brain bleach in your desk drawer, do you?"

"Just Scotch."

"That would do in a pinch," I grinned.

"So you believe your mom won every conflict?"

"Not just with my dad, but with me, too. But, at least with me, she never 'won', per se. She just asked questions until I saw the point she was trying to make, and then she dropped it."

"Did you always agree with her?"

"Mostly; but not always. And she accepted that."

"Were you disciplined?"

"I didn't do very much wrong."

"But there must have been an occasion."

"Oh, there was," I chuckled. "When I was twelve, I used a particularly vulgar Russian phrase. It was all in jest with my friend Dale. Unfortunately, my mom heard it. The punishment was swift and severe. I had my mouth washed out with Ivory soap. I can still taste it! From that point on, I never said THAT phrase again."

"Do you mind if I ask?"

"Russian or English?" I grinned.

"Learning Russian is on my list of things to do right after a sex-change operation," Doctor Hart deadpanned.

"Who knew?" I smirked.

"English, please," he replied, laughing.

"M-F."

"I don't believe I've actually heard you swear."

"Only in Russian, and not very often. It doesn't feel right to swear in English. Though, as I said, I have to be careful around my mom."

"She ran the household?"

"Yes. Absolutely. We talked about that when all that craziness with Liz went down last year."

"But not with an iron fist?"

"No, absolutely not. Mom's punishments always seemed to fit the crime, so to speak. I actually got more grief from my confessor than I did from my mom. Of course, I understand more about that now than I did growing up."

"Because you discovered, by her admission, that she was a normal, red-blooded American girl if you'll pardon me saying that about someone who is fully Russian."

I grinned, "I'm pretty sure they have sex in Russia, too, Doc."

"You can be a real wise guy at times. That's very healthy. Do you think your parents have a good relationship?"

"If you're asking me about THAT, then officially, twice. Once to make me; once to make Liz. Beyond that, I don't even CARE to speculate!"

Doctor Hart laughed again, "This is a very different side I'm seeing of you. It seems college has done part of its job — to open your eyes to different ways of living your life. I was talking about how things were at home in general, not the bedroom."

"To me, as a kid, it seemed as if they loved each other and us, and now, as a nineteen-year-old, I'm sure they do. They were always there to help us with our homework or if we got into a difficult situation. The only time I ever doubted my parents was when I was being accused of abusing my little sister. Otherwise, I don't think I'd be willing to trade for anyone else's parents."

"Most kids, especially teenagers, complain about their parents."

I shrugged, "They never really gave me much to complain about. I suppose the one gripe I had was once I got my driving license, I was expected to chauffeur my sister around and take her places with me and my friends. Not always, but often enough to be annoying."

"Yet, you don't resent your sister."

"No," I grinned. "And it did have a nice side benefit — it got me laid! And I know where I can get laid just by making a phone call and a forty-five-minute drive!"

Doctor Hart shook his head, "I'd advise against that."

"Emmy and I are still friends, and there aren't any problems between us."

"But you knew her for quite some time before that. So you were comfortable enough with her to discuss everything beforehand, at least as I recall what you told me. This other girl would have been similar to picking up a girl in a bar or at a party, which is something I'd advise against in the general case but which, for you, might trigger some seriously negative feelings afterwards.

"Please don't take this the wrong way, as it's not an insult. Your approach to sex, and your emotional response to it, is more feminine than masculine. I suspect that's at least partly due to you growing up in a strongly matriarchal household and a strongly matriarchal church community. Without a strong father figure, you developed more feminine approaches by mimicking your mother."

I nodded, "I would agree. My dad always said my mom and I were very much the same person in many ways. I think like she does, mostly like the same things she does, mostly react the way she does, and I talk the way she does, minus her complete fluency in Russian."

"Let's talk about how you responded to conflict. What did you usually do?"

"Avoided it like the plague," I said.

"So, like your dad, you hid?"

"If it was at home. If it was outside the house, I mostly just avoided the person or place."

"Except with Liz."

"At the end, yes. But remember, she called me a coward for refusing to confront her. And she was right."

"But you still seek to avoid conflict, right?"

I nodded, "I won't even get into a political discussion, much to the consternation of a few of my friends. I just don't like disagreeing with people publicly."

"An admirable sentiment, but that's not going to serve you well, especially in medicine. There are going to be times when you're going to be the lone voice, crying in the wilderness, as an advocate for your patient. Whether it's your Attending, or the Chief of the ER, or an insurance company, or whomever, you can't simply shrug and walk away. You also can't throw a silent temper tantrum as you are about Jocelyn."

"So then what?"

"Conflict resolution is an essential part of counseling, and to be honest, of being a doctor. You are going to find yourself with relatives who disagree on treatment, and it will be your job, along with a staff psychologist or psychiatrist, to guide the relatives in their decision-making and help resolve conflicts.

"In an ER situation where you're tasked with making those decisions in a split second to save a life, you'll have conflicts with other doctors over the best course of action. At first, you'll be the junior person in the conversation, but that does not mean you're wrong, even if more senior people disagree with you. You need to be a forceful advocate for what you believe to be correct but without coming across as a know-it-all or as subversive. One thing you can't do is be 'Casper Milquetoast', or your patients will suffer.

"Obviously, these are things you are going to have to do yourself, but I can help you with techniques which will give you a better chance of success. I want you to think back to how you dealt with everything that happened with your sister and try to understand why you changed your usual behavior. Don't answer me today. What, specifically, was it that made you overcome what your sister called 'cowardice'? We'll discuss it in two weeks if that's OK with you. The other thing I want you to think about is whether you are, indeed, punishing yourself for what happened between you and Jocelyn."

I took a couple of deep breaths and let each one out slowly.

"No small task, Doc," I said.

"No, it's not. But you're a big enough man to do it, Mike. See you in two weeks."

"Thanks, Doc."

We shook hands, and I headed back to the dorm, where I was happy to see Clarissa in the hallway. I waved her over, and we went into my room and sat on one of the couches.

"What's up?"

"I just met with Doctor Hart, and I wanted to talk to someone about what he said."

"Why me?"

I smiled, "First, you're my friend. Second, you're the one girl I know on campus I can talk to about sex who won't think I'm hitting on her!"

Clarissa laughed, "True, though I do recall you saying 'Damn, Clarissa!' when you saw me dressed differently and with my hair done and wearing a hint of makeup."

"The Y chromosome knows nothing about sexual orientation," I grinned. "It sees 'pretty girl' and kicks into gear!"

"Of that, I have NO doubt," she replied with a smile. "Which is EXACTLY why I dress the way I do and don't fix my hair. So, what's up?"

"It's about Jocelyn," I sighed. "Is it OK to talk to you about her?"

"Sure. Anything. I figure if I can come out to you, the least I can do is listen to your troubles! If I didn't think you'd listen to mine, I wouldn't have told you about liking girls."

"See, we have that in common!" I grinned. "And I still enjoy kissing girls despite my current chaste lifestyle! And I highly, highly recommend it. You should try it sometime!"

Clarissa laughed, "Someday. So, tell me your troubles."

"Doctor Hart thinks I imposed chastity on myself as some sort of punishment for everything that happened with Jocelyn."

"And what do you think?"

"Before? That I decided to do that in order to get my head on straight. But now I'm not so sure."

"He sowed seeds of doubt?"

"And reasonably so, I think. I do feel guilty about everything that happened with her. Well, that's not quite true. I have no regrets and no guilt about being with her the first time. It's about what happened before and what's happened since."

"I know some of the story; will you tell me the rest?"

I nodded and spent the next ten minutes describing life from kindergarten until the previous Sunday.

"Well," Clarissa said when I finished, "as someone who has exactly zero experience with relationships, I'm not sure what to say. I can't really compare your confusion about biological children with my confusion about liking girls, but I can understand why it made you behave the way it did. Does that make sense?"

I nodded, "Sure. Two totally different things which caused confusion and affected our behavior."

"So, I guess my question to you is, why did you really decide to stop sleeping with Jocelyn?"

"It's complicated, and I've had second, third, and fourth thoughts about the whole thing. Part of it was because Melody pushed me, but part of it was because I kind of felt I was leading Jocelyn on. And I think, possibly, that's what caused her to react negatively in the first place. And then she decided she couldn't be around me. But saying it that way seems almost like I'm accusing her of using emotional blackmail to get sex."

"I'm not saying it was, but is it possible that's exactly what she was doing? I mean, if she tried to kill herself over this, maybe this is just a less extreme way of trying to get your attention."

"Seriously?" I asked.

Clarissa shrugged, "We haven't taken any psych classes, which I think maybe we should for electives next year, but I've always heard that suicide is mostly intended to call attention to the severity of the problems the person has. Do you think Jocelyn REALLY wanted to die? Or do you think she was at her wits' end for how to tell someone just how badly she was suffering?"

"At the time, I was sure she wanted to die, but after a year, I'm not so sure anymore."

"I guess the other question is about letting what happened with Jocelyn affect your other relationships. It already caused you to break up with Melody."

"I think that was coming, no matter what. Angie more or less predicted it because of how Melody views going to church. She'd tolerate it, but she'd do her best to pull me away from it."

"Well, I don't have much use for churches for obvious reasons, but it's so important to you that I think you need to find someone who is more like Angie than like Melody. At this point, Angie might as well be your wife for all intents and purposes."

"So the dorm rumor mill says. But you know she and I are just friends."

Clarissa nodded, "Sure. But aren't Tasha and Katy more like Angie than like Melody?"

"Yes."

"And Sophia?"

I chuckled, "She's typically Greek. Go to church occasionally, but make sure you hit the Great Feast days. It's as much a cultural association as it is a religious one. There are some people like that in our church, though it's not quite as pronounced as it is with the Greeks. Don't get me wrong — there are plenty of faithful Greek Orthodox people, but the stereotype has some basis in reality, as stereotypes often do. Why mention her?"

"Just an example, I guess. But also because she likes you. I'm not saying she's romantically interested in you, but she does like you a lot. So does Sandy. And so do I. But neither Sandy nor I are religious in any way. That probably wouldn't work for you."

"You also happen to be a lesbian, which is kind of a major impediment," I grinned.

"Well, yeah, obviously, but you understand my point, right? Jeannette and Marie like you, too, but they wouldn't be caught dead in church, except maybe at home to make their parents happy. They wouldn't be excellent choices for you to have a relationship. May I ask about Nancy?"

"She's Roman Catholic, but she's not anti-church. We didn't get too deeply into that topic, but she had no problem with eventually raising any potential kids Orthodox."

"Jumping the gun a bit?" Clarissa asked with a silly smile.

"Yes and no. That's always been a key concern for me and is why I ended up breaking up with my girlfriend from Senior year."

"Then I'd suggest, as someone who is inexperienced with stuff like this, that you only date girls who are at least in the same ballpark with regard to church. Well, unless you just want to get laid, which is a totally different thing!"

"Which you know about from your vast experience?" I asked with an arched eyebrow.

"Even I know there's a difference between getting laid and having a relationship! Allegedly, sex is a lot of fun and is something that doesn't require being 'in love'."

"Allegedly," I smirked.

"Smart ass!" she laughed. "But there is a difference, right?"

I nodded, "Absolutely. That's kind of what I was trying to sort out last year. Now I'm trying to focus on the here and now and let the future worry about itself, at least with regard to anything other than our medical training."

"Amen to that!" Clarissa said, then smirked. "So we both do our best to get laid, have fun, and not worry about long-term relationships!"

"I know some willing young women for me. Not so sure what to do for you."

"I was teasing. Well, at least somewhat. If I met the right girl, you know, then sure. But I'm not going to obsess about it. And neither should you."

"That's my goal — no obsessing about relationships."

"You should ask Sandy if she wants to engage in some mutual stress relief," Clarissa smirked.

"YOU'RE the one giving her neck and shoulder rubs!"

"She's straight, which is kind of too bad because she's very much someone I could get close to. She's fun to be around."

"Do you think you need a female friend?"

Clarissa shook her head, "No. I need a guy friend just like you. I can get as close as I want to you without any risks."

"Gee, thanks," I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Oh, give me a break!" Clarissa replied, laughing hard. "You know exactly what I mean by that."

I smiled, "I do. And I appreciate it. Maybe having that barrier is helpful because crossing that line with Jocelyn sent everything into a tailspin."

Clarissa shook her head, "No, it didn't. The accident did. And you and Jocelyn were deeply in love, which you and I aren't. It's different."

"True. It's almost time to meet Angie, Lee, and Robby for karate. Thanks for talking to me."

"Anytime, Mike. Trust me, you'll be on the receiving end soon enough. I have things I need to work through as well."

"Just let me know."

We got up, hugged, and I walked Clarissa to the door. I opened it, and she stepped through, then turned.

"I think Sandy would very much like to work off some stress with you. And I think you should ask her."

"THAT is your advice on therapy? Break my vow of chastity?"

"It was never that, Mike. I think Doctor Hart might be right."

"Maybe," I said.

She smiled and walked down the hall. I shut the door, quickly changed into my karate uniform, and went out to the common area of the floor, where I found my friends waiting.

After karate, we came back to the dorm for showers, then joined the gang for dinner. After dinner, we all spread out to our usual study groups. We'd had a fairly complicated lab, and not only did we have to do twice as many tests, we had to do some outside research as well. We worked on the basic report, leaving the research for our special Thursday study session.

As had become usual, when we finished, we ended up in my room with Clarissa massaging Sandy's neck and shoulders and the rest of us just relaxing, drinking soft drinks, and listening to Chronic Town by R.E.M. After about forty minutes, Angie and I said our evening prayers, and then I walked her to her room. When I arrived back at my room, Sophia was waiting.

"Three nights in a row?" I asked.

"Are you sending me away?"

I shook my head, "No. Let me brush my teeth, and I'll be right back."

I grabbed my bathroom kit and hurried down the hall. I was back in my room in just over five minutes.

"People are going to think we're a couple," I grinned.

"Nobody knows I'm here except you and me. Well, Angie knew about Sunday night, and she might assume. And besides, would that be so bad?"

I chuckled, "I didn't mean it would be bad; I was just pointing out how the rumor mill works."