Chapter 16: The Joker Ain\'t The Only Fool...

September 12, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

"Hi, Jos," I said when her roommate called her to the phone.

"Hi. How are things?"

'Shitty!' I wanted to say, and not in Russian. I also wanted to tell her I missed her and wanted to see her, but saying that might only make things worse. At this point, though, I wondered what 'worse' might be.

"OK. How are you doing?"

"I'm getting used to the routine and how different things are here from West Monroe."

Her answer was flat, and she sounded disinterested. I didn't have a clue what to say next. I felt as if I was walking through a minefield where any misstep could blow up in my face. I wanted to scream that I loved her. But, it was better to just say it gently.

"Jos," I said softly.

"Don't, Mike. It'll just be harder."

"Why?"

"I need time. I'll see you at Thanksgiving."

It was ALREADY difficult, and saying it wasn't going to make it worse.

"I love you, Jos, no matter what."

"I know."

I let out a sigh, "Fine. I'll see you in November."

I replaced the handset in the cradle without waiting for a response and sagged down onto the couch. I had known in my heart of hearts this was going to happen. Angie had understood that as well and had gently suggested I work on deepening my friendship with Clarissa. Jocelyn didn't WANT to be 'Jos', which caused my heart to ache, and as much as I liked Clarissa, there was no possible substitute for Jos.

About ten minutes later, there was a knock on the door.

"Mike, it's Angie," I heard through the closed door.

"Come in," I called out sullenly.

She opened the door, took one look at me, then shut and locked it behind her. She came over to the couch, sat very close, and put her arms around me. I buried my head in her shoulder, and she held me as I sobbed. Angie stroked my hair and did her best to soothe me until I stopped crying a few minutes later. I stayed cuddled next to her, and perhaps two minutes later, she kissed the crown of my head.

"Mike?" she said softly. "If you need me..."

I sat up slowly and took both her hands in mine.

"Ang, if we do that, it has to be because of us, not because of Jocelyn."

"You're sure?"

I smiled and nodded, "Very. If it ever happens, it can't be about anyone except the two of us."

"Thank you," she whispered, sounding relieved.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"If Clarissa is supposed to be my new best friend, as it were, what does that make you?"

"According to me? Or according to the dorm?"

"The dorm?"

The corners of her lips turned up in just a hint of a smile, "They call me 'Mrs. Loucks' behind our backs. I think Sandy is the only one who actually has said it in your presence."

Despite my sadness, I laughed softly, "And that's why you offered?"

She shook her head, "No. I don't care what other people say. I just thought you needed to be very close to someone emotionally and physically."

"You're doing just fine without that. So, forget the dorm, then. What about you?"

"You, uhm, can talk about anything with Clarissa without it, uhm, being risky."

"What do you mean?"

"She's not attracted to you in that way, if you know what I mean. And you see her as, I don't know, a very, very close colleague, not someone you would want to date."

All of that was true, but Angie didn't know WHY it was true. In this instance, the 'why' wasn't important.

I nodded, "True. She's a pal, if you will. That's what she wants and needs, and that's what I want and need. And we have the same career path and basic life goals."

Including each of us finding a woman to love! But again, I couldn't say that to Angie.

"I notice you're careful with what you say around me and how you act when I'm around. It's just slightly different from when you don't know I'm there."

"Spying on me?" I grinned.

"No, but it happens. I've talked to Clarissa, Sandy, Sophia, and, last semester, Melody. You're a bit freer around them than around me."

"Is that a problem?" I asked.

"No. You know how conservative I am. Or, as my dad calls it, 'properly ladylike'. Probably about how Tasha's dad expects her to behave."

I nodded, "Yes. I act the same way around her parents as I do you, though I'm a bit freer with joking and teasing around you because you said it was OK."

Angie smiled impishly, "I suspect he doesn't know which girls you fool around with, either!"

"No. I'd be in REAL trouble with him if he did."

"Does Tasha know?"

"It depends on what you mean by 'know'. Does she know for a fact who I've been with? No. Does she know I've been with someone? Yes. I'm sure she suspects Melody. Beyond that, I have no idea. It's not something I talk about with her. You only know because of the way our friendship developed."

"Because I shut you down."

"Because you did what you needed to do for you. And I told you, if you remember, I could accept that kind of relationship if that's what you needed."

"And I told you 'no' because I had no idea if I'd ever want to do that with you."

"But today?"

"Maybe it was foolish, but I was pretty sure you'd say 'no'."

"And if I hadn't?"

"Then I would have."

"And that would have been supremely damaging to our relationship."

"I hadn't thought about that," Angie sighed. "Only about what you needed. But you thought about what I needed."

"And us?"

"I'm happy with where we are right now. I know you're seeing Tasha and Katy, and you'll probably date other girls. That's OK, Mike. I can't make any promises to you right now about the future."

"I know. Which is why you shouldn't have offered."

Angie nodded, "I know."

There was a knock at the door. I got up and opened it to find Clarissa, Sophia, and Sandy. I invited them in, shutting, but not locking, the door behind them.

"You don't look so hot," Clarissa observed.

"Jocelyn," I said.

Clarissa nodded, "We were afraid of that. When you closed your door after Angie came in, we figured you were upset. Are you doing OK?"

"No, but having my friends here is a big help."

"Is there anything we can do for you?" Sophia asked.

I shook my head, "Nobody can fix this except Jos and me if even we can."

"Sorry, I meant to help you not be depressed."

"Just what I said — be my friends."

"The guys were talking about going to the lake for a few hours. Are you interested?"

"You should go," Sandy said. "Sitting here and brooding won't help."

"She's right, Mike," Angie added.

"Sure; let's go."

The girls left to change. I put on my bathing suit and a T-shirt, then pulled on socks and tennis shoes and went out into the hall where the gang was assembling.

"You look like you need some serious cheering up," Tess said with a twinkle in her eye.

I forced a smile, "I'm OK. Just some trouble with a friend back home."

"That's tough," Gina said. "My best friend, who I've known since we were toddlers, is in Arizona, and I miss her something fierce. We did EVERYTHING together!"

"Everything?" Valerie smirked. "Interesting!"

Gina laughed, "Same night, different hotel rooms after Prom, and different guys, you pervert!"

"Perverts have WAY more fun!" Valerie laughed.

"And only the good die young," I added.

"Well, I guess we'll all come to your funeral, White Boy!" Clark said, laughing hard.

Larry, Carter, Pete, and Jason all joined in laughing, and I was surprised when I did as well.

"He's not THAT good," Melody smirked.

"Feel the burn!" Clark laughed. "Damn, girl!"

"I didn't mean it THAT way, you jerk!"

"Uh-huh," Clark nodded. "When you want it for real, you come see Clark."

"Yes, see Clark," Amy said fiercely. "And Clark will find out what ELSE I can use the biology dissection kits for!"

"Yes, Dear!" Clark smirked, which led to Amy smacking him on the arm.

"If you all are done with your foreplay, can we get going?" Robby asked.

There was general laughter, including from Angie, and the first group piled into the elevator. When everyone was in the lobby, we divided up, with Angie, Clarissa, and Sandy riding with me.

"You seem to have your pick of Freshmen girls if you want," Clarissa teased.

"All Tess did was say I needed some cheering up," I protested. "That's hardly an invitation."

Sandy laughed hard, "Seriously? Are you THAT dense? Girls don't say that to guys unless they want to at least get a little frisky! And usually, they mean seriously frisky!"

"Whatever," I said, shaking my head.

"OK. He's seriously down if he says 'whatever' to the offer of Freshman nookie!" Sandy teased.

"IT WASN'T OFFERED!" I protested.

"She's probably right, Mike," Angie said quietly. "You're a nice guy, and those three seem to be a bit free with their affection."

"Angie Stephens!" Clarissa laughed. "Did you just politely call them sluts?"

"No!" Angie gasped. "That is NOT what I meant! I just meant that they obviously aren't virgins and make lots of suggestive remarks."

"Which proves nothing," I said. "I knew someone who talked about it ALL the time and didn't lose their virginity until after I did. Heck, lots of guys in High School talk about it and even brag about it when they most likely haven't done anything."

"But not girls," Sandy said. "It's like a state secret with most girls. The ones who talk about it mostly HAVE done it and are interested in doing it again. At least from the girls I know."

"Can we drop this, please," I asked. "I have the three of you and Sophia to help cheer me up, not to mention the guys."

"You and Clark?" Sandy laughed. "Oh God, I would PAY to see that!"

"Ewww!" Angie gasped, turned bright red, and frowned.

"Oops," Sandy said. "Sorry, Ang. That was a bit over the top."

"Can we PLEASE drop it?" I asked, doing my best to sound firm but not exasperated.

The girls were all quiet for the rest of the short drive to the lake. I did my best to have a good time, but it was difficult not to think of Jocelyn. Sophia asked me to toss horseshoes with her, Robby, and Lee, and that helped because I was focused on the game, not to mention the fact that neither Robby nor Lee knew anything about the situation, which meant it didn't come up in the conversation.

"You're getting better," Robby said when we finished our fifth game. "Soon, we'll be able to pair you with Sophia occasionally, and you won't get completely smoked!"

"Where did you guys pick this up?" I asked.

"My dad is a member of the VFW," Lee said. "A bunch of the guys from World War II and Korea play horseshoes, and they invited us when we were about ten. Thank God they weren't into shuffleboard!"

"There are shuffleboard courts at the public swimming pool near where I live," I said. "But I never saw the point."

"What sport did you play?" Robby asked.

"Chess!" I laughed. "And you know about karate, obviously."

"No baseball or anything?"

I shook my head, "I was on a Little League team up through fifth grade, but I was only so-so. And I'm not exactly built to play football, nor tall enough for basketball. I wouldn't have minded trying to play ice hockey, but there isn't a rink close enough."

"You have to start that when you're like five if you want to be good," Lee said. "I have a cousin up in Minnesota who learned to skate when he was three and started playing hockey at five. He's on a scholarship to the University of Maine."

"Nice," I said. "Think he'll make the pros?"

"He's good, but not THAT good. He's just paying for college. He's going into sports management. His ultimate goal is to coach or work in the front office for an NHL team."

"That sounds like a fun career."

"And just about as bloody as yours!" Lee laughed. "Between the fights, the 'high sticks', and the cuts from skates, there's a lot of blood."

I nodded, "Yeah, but hockey players are all like, 'stitch me up so I can go back out and play'. I saw a game where a guy lost three teeth and was back on the ice five minutes later!"

"Boys are dumb," Sophia declared. "And men are just overgrown boys!"

"Ignore her," Lee laughed. "She's been ragging on us for six years!"

"Shall we make a list?" Sophia asked with a smirk. "I distinctly recall the barbecue at your house last Summer. You and your cousin? 'Hold my beer and watch this'? It's amazing what boys will do on a dare!"

"There is no need to get nasty!" he protested.

"Nasty? Me? I was just going to tell Mike about the trip to the emergency room!"

"Sophia!" he protested.

Undeterred, she continued, struggling mightily to hold in her laughter, "Let's just say trying to hurdle the charcoal barbecue grill did not end well for our friend here!"

"So THAT is how it's going to be?" Lee sneered with an evil glint in his eye. "Ask Sophia about the Senior class party!"

"No!" she shrieked. "Do NOT say it!"

Lee continued smoothly, ignoring her protest, "She went off into the woods with someone. When she came back, I offered her a tissue to remove what she claimed was mayonnaise from her cheek!"

"YOU! ARE! A! DEAD! MAN!" Sophia growled.

Robby and Lee both looked at each other and burst out laughing, with Robby doubling over and almost in tears. I couldn't think of anything silly or serious to say that wouldn't potentially land me in the doghouse with Sophia, so I simply kept my mouth shut and did my best to keep my visage neutral. Sophia turned on her heel and stalked off. I decided it was in my best interest to follow her rather than remain with her tormentors or go toss a frisbee or football with the guys. After a couple of minutes of walking next to Sophia, I mustered the courage to speak.

"Are they always that bad?" I asked.

Sophia sighed, "Usually, they're worse. But they promised to behave when anyone else is around. I guess from their perspective, you're close enough that they aren't going to hold back."

"And let me guess, in High School, you gave as good as you got."

"Yeah, but..."

"They asked you not to tell anyone they're gay," I said neutrally.

"I knew people would figure it out. They mostly managed in High School, though some people were suspicious. But they asked girls to dances as cover. They were kind of pissed at the double standard where girls dancing together is cool, but guys dancing together is automatically homosexual."

"What's the big deal?" I asked.

Sophia shook her head, "Seriously? You don't know how gay guys are treated?"

"I've never known one. Well, I mean, I'm sure I know someone from High School who is, but I don't know. If that even makes sense."

"It does. Getting a reputation as a lesbian isn't nearly as dangerous. Crude jokes, sure. But a gay guy? He'll get the shit beat out of him in the locker room or end up with a swirly, or worse. I'm sure you've heard about the murder of Harvey Milk by Dan White in San Francisco because Milk was gay."

I nodded, "I heard about that, yes."

"And the shooting in West Greenwich Village where some maniac shot up two gay bars, killing three people and wounding six more?"

"Yes."

"And the gay bar in New Orleans that was burned to the ground, killing over thirty men in 1973?"

"That one I don't know about. I would have been ten."

"Robby and Lee told me about it. I'm sure you can see how it's not exactly safe to let anyone know. Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," I replied.

"The Orthodox Church is adamant that homosexuality is a grave sin. As serious as you are, why are you OK with it."

"The Orthodox Church is opposed to all sex outside of marriage. I don't think God awards bonus points for it being a guy and a girl versus two girls or two guys! Sin is sin. Also, it's 'missing the mark', which is something we all do. My priest taught me that I should worry about my own sins, and when I am perfect, THEN I can worry about others. Well, once I deal with the sin of pride which comes from thinking I'm perfect!"

Sophia laughed, "Let me guess, you went to Sunday School every Sunday."

"Right up until I graduated. I considered going to adult Sunday School at Saint Michael the Archangel, but I feel I need that hour for other things. You didn't go?"

"I went to Greek school on Sunday so I could learn to speak Greek and learn Greek culture. Some of the kids went to Sunday School, but not me or my little sister."

"I hope your Greek is better than my Russian!"

Sophia laughed, "I doubt it; I promptly forgot most of it. My parents mostly speak English at home. The only ones who spoke Greek were my mom's parents, but they moved back to Greece when my grandfather retired about five years ago. How about you?"

"My dad is of Dutch heritage, but they were here long before the US was founded, so he only speaks English. My mom speaks fluent Russian, as do her parents, plus quite a few people at the church back home; not as many do at the church here. I judge my speaking skills as about equal to a retarded six-year-old."

"That would be me trying to speak Greek at this point!" Sophia laughed. "Now that we're alone, Clarissa and Angie told me you were pretty bummed about your friend from back home."

I shrugged, "I am, but there isn't much I can do about it."

"If you need someone to talk to, I'm here."

"Thanks. I really do appreciate it. And playing with you guys did help me keep this afternoon from being a total downer."

"Good. You're a good guy, Mike. Just be yourself, and things will work out."

"I wish I could be as sure as you are," I sighed.

"You look like you could use a hug. Would you like one?"

"Sure," I agreed.

Sophia laughed softly, "I don't know that I've ever had a guy sound so dejected when I offered to hug him!"

"Sorry."

We stopped walking, and Sophia wrapped her arms around me and gave me a very nice hug. I kept my arms loose around her so as not to do anything which might upset her. She held the hug for about fifteen seconds, then released me.

"Feel better?" she asked.

I smiled, "It helped. Thanks."

"You're not going to ask about the story?"

I shook my head, "It's none of my business."

Sophia laughed, "You are too funny, Michael Loucks!"

"Funny?"